SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For background, I stayed at uni with him when my family emigrated. We lived together a short while after, he moved away for another course, then a job. I ended up following him, and after 7 or so years we were living together in a rental. And, I thought, happy. Then he decided to join the navy, was away 90% of the time. I wrote every week, he less so. Although he was writing to a friend he was interested in , who he then had a PA with while away at naval college through the week. He ended it after deciding he didnt want to leave me after all. I was none the wiser. Fast forward 20 years, I've given up a team leader position because he wasn't there to look after the kids for the weeks training I'd need, and eventually gave up my time consuming (decent) career because he's away so much.

This morning, in the ongoing q/a that has arisen about why he cheated and continued with inappropriate behaviour with others right up to getting outed in 2018, he said that:

I didn't respect you enough because even though you hated me joining the Navy, you out up with it, so I thought you would put up with anything.

And then:

Yes. I remember when I was away in ** as being a.lot.of arguments, with you having a go a.tme because I was away. Instead of being sympathetic, I was resentful. Over many years that attitude led to me thinking that if I slipped up here or there, it didn't matter too much.

And:

I don't know. I'm stretching to come up with reasons. I know I didn't respect you as much as I should. I believe that was because I was often resentful when you would complain about me being away, or having a good time when I was away. That resentment probably fed an attitude that you were just out to stop me enjoying my work, and in response I didn't watch my boundaries as well as I should have done

So have I got this right? Because I loved him enough to stay with him even though I didn't like him being away so much, he didnt respect me for it, and that gave him the attitude he could be inappropriate with other women and it didn't matter?

That absolutely crushed me, because I've given up so much, and instead of appreciating me, he didn't respect me for it, and used it as an excuse for a W attitude. This feels too painful to get over right now. Even though he says he does respect me, I'm a fat, worn out sahm with no job or prospects now, so there's not a lot to respect!

Did you have a particularly soul crushing excuse made to you? Did it change your perception of things? Did you get over/come to terms with it, or was the truth just too painful?

Their perception is fucked up and twisted - we think we're part of a team - we've got their backs... yet they somehow twist it that they're the long suffering one. For years I slept on the couch - my husband had to get up early (4:00am) and was a light sleeper - so as not to disturb him, I'd sleep on the couch because I was waiting up to pick up the kids (teens) from various activities that often ran into late evening. Of course this was perfect fodder for sympathy from AP ("we don't sleep together anymore"). there were so many bullshit excuses (he thought I'd mourn the death of our 14 yr old DD "forever" ???? yeah I will and that's your reasoning to start an affair when she wasn't dead a year?? Selfish a**holes grasping for any excuse to do what they feel like. The excuses are meaningless - it boils down to being selfish. What hurts is your history is destroyed - you look back and remember thinking you were holding up your end of the marriage - only to realize you were all alone.

Did you have a particularly soul crushing excuse made to you? Did it change your perception of things? Did you get over/come to terms with it, or was the truth just too painful?

My now-XWW knew that when she was caught that there was no coming back. For that reason, she just tried to be cruel and told me it was all about sex: how I sucked, he was bigger, better, etc. The thing is, I just didn't care and she'd get no reaction from me which pissed her off even more.

Honestly...fuck their reasons.

used it as an excuse for a W attitude.

And, that's exactly what it is, an excuse. It's pretty obvious that he didn't rescept you. If he had, he wouldn't have cheated for any reason.

Man, do I know those marital dynamics! Once, in counseling, I told my fch that he left me, over and over. He was deployed 5 times in 7 years. Two of those deployments were for a year. That does not include all the trainings and such, a month here, two weeks there.

His response was that that was his job. He refused to see my POV, which was of him going off to only have to take care of himself while I was at home taking care of everyone and everything else so he could do what he did. It's like being a single parent except that you can't date because you're married.

I wasn't talking so much about his physical presence, though. I was talking about his emotional presence. Every deployment, he would emotionally detach a little more. I understand why he felt he needed to do that. It's hard to keep yourself alive in a war zone if you are worried about your family back home. But, he didn't make any effort to reconnect when he got home. Then, he'd deploy again and the detachment would grow.

Also, although it was his job, he chose that job, every day. He's an officer, so he can resign his commission whenever he wants. As long as he continued to choose to be in the military, he was choosing to leave me over and over.

As to your question, I can't think of any excuse my fch came up with that was soul crushing. They were all just stupid. Once he said, "Well, you were smoking and hid it from me." Really? That's a reason to get a girlfriend?! Not to mention that I didn't smoke when he was home. I only smoked when he was deployed. Hm...I wonder why I would feel so stressed during that time that I felt I needed to smoke?

I got excuses right out of the cheater's handbook. He didn't think I loved him. He thought I was cheating on him. Idk. Maybe it's a matter of perspective. I never saw any of that as a reflection of me. My self worth was not wrapped up in him in any way. There was nothing he could say that would crush my soul.

Even though he says he does respect me, I'm a fat, worn out sahm with no job or prospects now, so there's not a lot to respect!

Did he say these things about you, or is this what you are telling yourself? If this is you, just stop it! You don't need a job or prospects to deserve respect. Your appearance has absolutely nothing to do with your worth. You exist. You deserve respect.

You are an amazing woman and mother, an amazing person! You are doing the most important job that exists, keeping little humans alive. Many women could not live your life as a military spouse. Many try and don't make it. You are strong and resilient. You deserve all the respect.

If he said this to you, tell him to fuck off!

I know I didn't respect you as much as I should.

Sounds like this is what it boils down too. Otherwise his reasons are all just blaming you and not taking any accountability.

The one that bugs me the most with my WH is “I didn’t think you’d find out.” So it’s ok to do what you want as long as I don’t find out? Honestly, I find that attitude rather disturbing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that his reasons are because he’s a very broken man with broken boundaries and attitudes, that he doesn’t truly respect women but instead sees them as objects to fill his ego, that he’s extremely immature and banks on his boyish charm (he is no longer charming to me), and well, because he wanted too and felt he was entitled too.

He still needs to get to his whys of feeling this and having these attitudes, but that’s my non-clinical assessment. Lol

So many stupid reasons - but the most soul crushing was excusing the A because "the kids (young adults in their 20's) just want me to be happy and they know how you can be!"

When the kids rallied around me - refused to have anything to do with him - our daughter told him he was to never call or text her again - he realized how fucked up his reasoning was.

Seriously, how fucked up do you have to be to use your kids as an excuse for cheating?

To sum up his reason in a round about way, was his PTSD. He didn’t want to live anymore. He thought if I hated him it would make his death easier for me. So he set out to make me hate him. He wanted me to file for D, once it was finalized and he knew Daughter and I were ok, he was going to kill himself. I knew after a D that’s what he would do, I didn’t know he had a plan. Part ( not the only reason and not the biggest) of the reason I refused to give him one.

I do blame myself a little at times for not seeing how bad his PTSD was. But, he did a really good job of hiding it and I’m not a mind reader. He’s a medical provider for the military, he knew very well what resources were available and what he needed to do to help himself. And he didn’t. He failed himself.

I also got a variation on the “since you forgave me the first time, I figured you would again this time”, theme.

Kinda having a hard time coming to terms with that. BC If I stay and we move pass this, aren’t I just again being a freaking doormat? And since he had this horrible mindset (which of course he says he does t anymore), how can I ever believe in some level, he doesn’t really feel that way?

The cluster mind F that is infidelity.... the gift that keeps on giving. I’d rather stick with a Jelly of the Month club. 😜

[This message edited by sunkissed at 2:49 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

I understand that tolerating crappy behavior is done with love, but there is no doubt that when we tolerate crappy behavior without administering enough consequences or holding tight boundaries, we lose the respect of our partners. If I recall correctly, Lundy Bancroft makes this point in his books. When someone stays with their abuser, they lose the abuser's respect. And it's a cycle.

It's the catch 22: to keep the abuser's respect, you have to dump him or her. Do you lose the R? Yep. But you keep their respect. Nothing short of dumping them keeps their respect. Same with narcissists. I've seen this over and over irl.

For a certain number of WS (maybe over 50%), there is no other way to keep their respect than kicking them out. You have to be willing to lose the M to save it. If the WS earns their way back by working hard and jumping through hoops, the respect for the BS remains. But for those who R too quickly without making the WS work hard, the message has been sent through actions. The threats and words mean nothing: the BS prefers cheating to divorce. I know we hate this message, but actions always trump words. We teach people how to treat us.

As a codependent, I could not stomach my choice: lose the R or tolerate abuse. So I yelled, threatened, insulted, begged, cried, threatened suicide, created jealousy, and any other means of control I could muster to avoid enacting boundaries. I could not leave my cheater. I just couldn't. So I tried to control his behavior. It didn't work. I only made myself look totally bonkers for staying with such an untrustworthy partner. People pitied me. And everyone lost respect for me. That's just how it is. Instead of convincing everyone he was awful, I convinced everyone that I had no self-esteem whatsoever.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:00 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

he knew very well what resources were available and what he needed to do to help himself. And he didn’t. He failed himself.

Same here.

OIN, thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable experience.

Most cheaters use the “you didn’t love me” excuse to have an affair.

My H travelled extensively fir his job in corporate America. I did it all with no complaints.

He tried to blame me for his last affair. I did the pick me dance for a few months. And then I wised up. I stopped tolerating his disrespect and poor choices.

I stood up to him.

Apparently it’s ok that he tells me for six mi the he wants a D. But when I tell him the same thing - only I’m not waffling and I am moving forward - suddenly he’s a blubbering mess and he doesn’t want a Divorce. He’s begging me to Reconsider and Reconcile.

Once the BS starts the 180 and detaches - things can suddenly start to change. The cheater doesn’t know what to do.

If this were cheaters bingo, I'd have a pretty full card of the responses mentioned here. Not the kids or ptsd ones though - that's low. I'm so sorry about your dd pearl.

I know its been said before, but its amazing how similar the excuses are.

Thanks for all the responses. I'm so grateful every day I come on here, to be reminded that the pain is real and ongoing, but my reaction to it is not extreme nor unreasonable. Which is the feeling I get from him right now. (I think it mostly the embatrassment/shame factor.) So sad for all of us to be in tghis situation, but there is some comfort in shared experiences and knowing others are right where you are too.

Coco - what you said about your WSs job applies exactly to how it was for us. Except I'm obviously more co-d than you :). And no, he didnt say those things. They're true (I've had the opposite of the infidelity diet), but thx for the pep talk :). I did tell him to fuck off anyway.

That catch 22 is extremely real! Struggling with it big time right now...

[This message edited by Justgetitoverwith at 7:03 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Cocoplus5nuts,

I could have wrote everything you said. Military wife here and no they dont see it as they get to go and just take care of them. I have 3 kids, one who is autistic, and that is hard enough. I heard all his excuses.

My WS told me:

I didnt send packages off to him fast enough

He thought he lost me

He had the flu a month ago

He was getting fat

His back was bad

His mother was ill

He hated himself

He thought me and the kids didnt want him back home

I forgot to give him the license plates years ago for him to renew the tags on the car

I didnt know how to jump a car so he can instantly drive it when he got home

I wouldnt send him nude pics

The list goes on but he is full of dumb ass shit

Mine wasn't so much what was said because it was actually a pretty honest answer but it was how it was delivered.

During a heated argument about her needing to sit down and figure our her "whys" I made some comment about how she isn't a safe partner if she can't work on that. She said I have told you why, I replied with. bull-fucking-shit you have. Then I got this very direct and angry reply - I told you I did it because I like it, it's a turn on and I would've found any excuse to do it (she's a serial nude photo sender).

It was so raw, I didn't know what to say and just left the room. She immediately started to apologize and cry, I think it was a real answer, a worthy answer...but the honesty and emotion of it totaled me.

Sumofone,

I even told him he just wanted to do it. There is no other answer. And he mocklingly told me I had all the answers. He would rather use excuses then the raw truth. Something I would have hated and loved at the same time.

You were all right 😐 h is still Seeing her, actually loves her and is leaving me. I emailed he H with my evidence, he has kicked her out, she hadn’t told him, hasn’t been off from work it’s all been a farce, you were all right. Good riddance to bad rubbish! What away to end 25 years of marriage. Holding no head up high and moving on

Gosh, I missed a bunch of replies on here.

Except I'm obviously more co-d than you :). And no, he didnt say those things. They're true (I've had the opposite of the infidelity diet), but thx for the pep talk :). I did tell him to fuck off anyway.

My fch is the CoD one. I know, weird dynamic for the BP/CP, but it is what it is.

I'm glad he didn't say those things to you. You need to stop saying them to yourself! If you are unhappy with your weight, do something about it, but don't insult yourself for it. We all have that kind of shit. Doesn't make us any less.

I went on a major drinking binge after dday and gained a lot of weight. I've been working on and struggling with getting it off and keeping it off for about 2 years now. I've also been working on accepting myself as I am because I can't control all of it. Part of my weight gain is due to hormones/perimenopause. Happened to every woman on my mom's side of the family in their 40s. Nothing I can do about that.

DCHero, was your comment meant for another thread? Anyway, m so sorry. Go on with your bad self! Throw out the trash!

The excuse WH #1 gave where cruel.... I heard... bc you gained weight...if you would see what she looked like you’d understand 🙄... (she was a meth user)... bc you never let me buy a farm(he was a truck driver and was lazy when he was home. I would of been doing all the work plus we would of over extended ourselves financially) bc you never clean my truck out when I come in off the road.... I never thought you would leave. I had an affair to prove to myself I wasn’t gay..Also heard I just wanted to have a little fun... he never took responsibility for his actions.

#2 cheater boy...... she wasn’t a threat to you.... I cheated bc you were snooping and suspected we were cheating. She was never going to leave her husband.

I share those excuses to show you how ridiculous they are... and none of them show the cheater taking responsibility for their actions... it’s all about them.

Relationships that start as an affair are just fantasies. Reality will soon show up and pop their fantasy bubble.

I understand hearing something from a WS that crushes one's soul.

Remember, though, what WSes say usually comes from the effed-up-ness. What a WS says says way more about him/her than about you.

Jgiow (and others, including me),

Your WS's lack of respect for you says nothing about your respectability. You - all of us - are worthy of respect as a human being even if the person you love won't give you the respect due to you.

Never forget that.