I do have the attorney meeting this thursday - finding out what options and steps I need to take next to have paperwork ready to hand her as she walks out the door on the trip.
Infidelity is more than an addiction and requires a bigger catalyst. Your wife needs to know that if she continues there is no coming back. There is no quarter. There is no plan B. If she continues down the road she's on knowing her fate, then she's already gone and there's nothing you can do to stop her.
You can't deliver the proper catalyst if you're clinging to hopes of reconciliation. She can read your stance and will know that you're faking it. You have to whole heartedly commit to divorce and embrace being single. You have to be so committed that it will take her months to convince you to reconcile.
Yes, I've been clinging to hopes of reconciliation. However, I HAVE committed to serving her papers if she goes. What I'm still struggling with (and it's not helping according to what I'm reading from posts between last night and this morning) - is what to do UNTIL she goes to maine.
My point is this: She knows what she’s about to do is wrong. She has devised a plan to make her want come true. When I am tempted to steal something (for instance), not only do I have the temptation whispering in my left ear, I have morals/ethics yelling in the right ear. I have to make a choice – illegally take what I want, or back off and obey the law. This is where your W is. She knows this is wrong, and you have reminded her of her promise to you. Now, wait to see what she chooses. If she chooses to go ahead with her plan, then the consequences need to take place. If she chooses to stop, then you can consider R. But, it’s her choice. She’s been reminded, she has the information to make a decision, so just sit back and wait for a response. Don’t chase her or try to persuade her. In order to have R, she has to choose you. I know it’s hard to just sit and wait, but that’s where you are.
This is excellent, thank you. That is great advice and what I'm trying very hard to do. It's the hardest thing in my life and right now it's an acting job lol. Fake it till I make it.
If she is hesitant and feel helpless, you can help it by telling the POS who he is. Apparently you are reluctant to warn POS and you are letting him have a free hand.
A lot of what I read is you don't confront the OM, so that was one reason I had avoided it. A) I didn't know what to say (I'm not the type to be like, "I'll kick your ass!") B) I wasn't suer if it would get back to her (probably would) and end up backfiring and C) Whether it would actually do anything.
Filing for divorce does not end a marriage or preclude reconciliation. I think you should have her served with divorce papers BEFORE she goes to Maine and has sex with another man
I'm not leaving that option off the table.. One thing that is not helping is my parents advice, particularly my mom. She keeps harping on about how "she is in pain" and all this stuff, and it makes her sick to her stomach to "jump to divorce" with no hope of reconciliation. I'm trying to get that to have TRUE chance of R, I need to follow ya'lls advice but it does get conflicting.
She knows right from wrong, you telling her makes you look like you are groveling.
Problem is, he is actually groveling. He gave her "permission", then tried to appeal to her to do the right thing because it would "hurt him" and "their marriage". He talks about possible divorce here but then flops right back to trying to save his marriage.
He's doing the pick-me-dance, on top of groveling and trying to get her to feel bad for him. She clearly doesn't give a damn about his feelings on the matter. He needs to realize that.
(need to stop letting this control my life, I control my life).
Sorry Dave, but I disagree. Your wife does. The whole "stood your ground, wheels spinning, relationship saved!" part of your post pretty much shows that.
Thank you for the tough love, no apology needed. I'm obviously still projecting my lack of control, and doing the pick me dance. I need to act like (and believe) that because she did not say she would end it with him when I confronted her with the evidence, and then yesterday with the fact I'll serve her papers if she leaves, that I'm actually done. She has made her choice RIGHT NOW. Not just when she leaves.
I think for some it's easier to blame themselves because they don't want to see the reality of who their wayward spouse actually is.
So I want to strike a balance between an ultimatum I can feel confident in delivering, that might help wake her up and shock her system, gives me my power back, and also gives me an out if she is just 100% done and out of this.
I don't think you get it. She knows exactly what she's doing.
If anyone is in a fog it's you.
Yes - Im' trying to get out of this fog!
The truth is, whether or not you reconcile someday will have little to do with whether or or not she says today “you’re right, I’m hurting you, my true love, I will stop, I will do whatever it takes to help you heal from my hurtful choices”. That would be just a very first step. It’s the months and years that follow that is what is truly important.
...
Don’t immediately start forgiving at the first sign or even the 10th sign that she is coming around. If you are going to possibly rebuild this into a new relationship, you want to get it right. The chances are slim already. Don’t make them even worse in your favor.
Your whole post was excellent, thank you. Particularly that I was holding onto hope that she would instantly turn the corner and say just that, but you are right, even if she did it would barely scratch the surface.
I need to completely withdraw from this relationship with her. She already has. She is either confused, or more likely, just playing games so she can have the best of both worlds. Despite my "faults" that she thinks caused this, she certainly also knows my good qualities and what I provide. It's incredibly selfish of her to put her happiness above her families IN THIS WAY. Yes, I've put my happiness first in many ways, but I didn't threaten the very existance of the family.
If what she has done already, that you know of, isn’t enough to result in you filing for divorce, what would she have to do for you to file?
Good question - I have a deeply ingrained sense of forgiveness, and that's what Im fighting so hard, and I think what is showing through in my posts (what the "fog" is that marz mentions). This may shock a lot of people here, but I am more likely to forgive her than not for even sleeping with another man. Of course, I struggle with the willfully doing it under my nose at this point! Before, it was like "Oh she will go out there, might start to hang out with him and realize what she is doing is wrong and come back" - but then I read the messages and it was clear she was lying about her intentions to go out there (remember I just discovered this part of it a couple days ago, it's a lot to process in a really short time).
Then I read BeyondRage's post:
So you delivered a statement to her straightforward and you’re already thinking she gets it or is getting it
Sorry
There are only two things you need to hear from her
(1) the trip is cancelled
(2) she will cease all communication with him and prove it to you with total transparency
Anything short of that is a waste of your time
In my opinion you should tell her she needs to contact an attorney while she is in Maine fucking her boyfriend and you should start to put all her belongings in another room in bags while she sees you do it
There is absolutely no room for compromise here . You already know if she goes she will be banging him the entire time and then come back home and either lie her ass off to you or tell you she’s now declared your marriage open
You keep trying to steer the ship to R . Doe you want to R with her if that means sharing her openly ??
She does not believe you or doesn’t care . You need to stop telling her you are willing to forgive anything
as above, I was fighting that I WOULD forgive her for anything, and that I was steering the ship towards R. However, I need to F*&&ing GET IT that regardless of my willingness and level of forgiveness, Im' doing her, my family, and especially myself not ONE SINGLE FAVOR by projecting that or accepting things before they've happened. I've damaged things by showing that, laying down, playing the pick me game, etc. But as you said anything short of cancelling the trip and ceasing communication is a waste of time.
She kissed the OM, may have done more already (who knows?), plan to meet with him under your nose and you still have dinner with her?
We didn't talk to each other dinner, just asked the kids how their days went. Wasn't sure how to handle this - want the kids to not suffer... ugh
And yes I did split my bank account. Still have a bunch of credit cards and stuff I have to look at.
You could tell her
How would it feel to have your kids on their or your birthday, x-mas,New Year, Graduation etc only in the even or uneven years.
Do not waffle, do not try to nice her back.
If she has already decided, then actions are futile anyway.
Block credit cards, bank accounts, do not pay for her love weekends.
Good advice. I'm planning on getting a list from the attorney of all the things we would need to figure out (e.g. sell the house, split accounts, split bills, child care, child support, etc. etc. ), and showing that to her and pointing out what you said above. And that's it. As I'm working through my thoughts and feelings on this and understanding she has made up her mind, anything less than the two points is futile, and I need to be committed to the actions I'm taking, and "letting her go". Holding on to her is just making it worse, regardless of the outcome!
