SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I'm here again. It's been years since I have posted. If you are interested in my timeline check out my profile.

My wife WW and I have been in "R" since 2013. She did a lot of work on herself. I languished after DD#2 (caused by TT) in 2014. I never was able to grow and heal. I just tried to forget it and move along. The feeling was always there. I couldn't give her the love that I should have.

We have had our ups and downs. My career has finally taken of. Our kids are now mostly gone with the exception of the son we share who is now 12. Our marraige took a extreme dive in October of 2018. Her DD, who just turned 18, moved out of our house and in with her NPD dad. It absolutely crushed my wife. It wasn't her fault she left. It was DD's dad with alienation. She blamed all of us for it. Fast forward to my 40th birthday party in November.

We rented a cabin in my favorite place on Earth. Invited our closest couple friends and their kids to come celebrate. There was a lot of tension with my wife and her best friend (one of the couples) at the time. There was a big blow up that the couple caused when it came to transport of our kids back home. We were supposed to stay another day, just my wife and I. That didn't happen as I am in the middle of the battle that ensued. I was frozen on what to do, so I just figuratively curled up into a ball. It wasn't rational on either party. I lost my best friend and my wife that day. What a 40th.

My wife is now totally unhappy. Some days its good. Most days its bad. I love her. I don't know how to make her happy. I'm angry that my life is like this.

Now we are in June 2019. My DD (from first marriage, her mom has been gone since 2006) is graduating highschool. All the extended family (1st wifes family) is in town. That in itself is a point of conflict for my wife. Its a long story. Everyone is just trying to get along. The night of my daughters graduation, we were going to all go to dinner. My wife and I were later and started walking to the restaurant. She pulls me aside and says she wants to travel to Florida to visit her sister in July. She needs some space. Ugh.

She goes to Florida. She is acting strange while there. I'm going back and forth to Europe all month. The night before I fly back home, she drops it on me that she wants to move near her sister in Florida. That we need to possibly seperate only in name for a while. No paperwork or anything official. I'm devastated. I come home and break down crying when I see her. I don't want this. She is not herself. We patch things back together and she and her sister convince me to sign a lease so she could avoid winter this year. They are now living together. I visit on all my off days. I buy her a new convertible. I fix said convertible. I sold all my cars and we are debt free. Just so she could have her winter place. I just want her to find happiness.

She now fights with her sister. Thanksgiving is a disaster with her family there. I am at fault for not yelling at her parents in her eyes when she storms out on Thanksgiving day. In her defense her family is very toxic. The opposite of mine.

Now we are at where DD#3 starts. It is December 15th 2019 at 3am. She wakes up with a panic attack. I comfort her like I always do. I hate seeing her upset and sad. I hold her. She starts spewing all her hurts. Mentions that people want to "date" her. My heart starts to sink and pound. I start asking questions as kindly as I can. She then says this guy kissed her after drinking at a bar with her sister and her husband. They all went back to her sisters house. That is where this guy kissed her. She only told because her Ex husband sent an email to my daughter at college when he was upset with his daughter (another story). The email stated that my wife was having an affair. My daughter called my wife on Dec 14 to ask. She denied it all and my daughter said she wouldn't tell me. Her guilt caught up with her.

We didn't sleep that night. I kept asking questions. My wife said she was on Zooloft (new in the last month for her) and was drinking. It made her feel happy and numb. The guy and her talked for two hours. He asked to kiss her. She said I can't its complicated. He does. Her sister is passed out drunk in the house. They do shots (my wife never does this with me, ive never seen her really drunk). He kisses her again, she kissed back. It is probably 2 am. She said that is as far as it went (don't believe it unfortunately). The next week her DD-18 is in town. They go out to dinner with this guy. I guess she noticed the flirtyness. Thats how DD-18 told her NPD dad. What a mess.

This guy is a POS construction worker that is friends with my wife's sister. He doesn't even own a car! I'm an international pilot. Wow! My wife stopped all contact after that supposedly. This was at the exact time that she was talking to me about moving while I was in Europe at work.

I am now officially done. We are getting a divorce. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hate her. I love her. I always will. I am very sad. I hope we can love each other enough to get thru this as best we can for our son. She is a mess. I want nothing but the best for her and her happiness. I hope she can break the cycle this time from seeking male attention in all the wrong ways. That is my goal.

Thank you for listening. It feels good to let it out. Sorry for the jumping around.

[This message edited by Jt8d at 4:34 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Jt8d

This was painful to read, as was your bio, and your wife's meanderings.

1. I hope you are over the crying that you have done in the past. Women are drawn to strength, courage, & decisive action. It looks as if you have learned a painful lesson. Be that man.

2. As you know, she is a serial cheater, as in serial rapist, and serial murderer. They all accomplish about the same amount of devastation. They cannot change. It is their nature.

3. 180 religiously & NO mini-180's. I would have no communication with her except through your lawyer.

4. No sex with her ever again. Judges will look at that as "forgiveness".

5. Expose to everyone you know and she knows. She deserves to be shamed. I don't care how much you love her. She will make up stuff about you to justify the divorce.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 4:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Why are you making so many excuses for her?

There aren't any,

1. I am done crying over her. It's over. I do feel loss that I am never going to marry again. This is going to cost me a lot. I can't do that again. MGTOW.

2. Its a character flaw that she has. I hope she is able to change her worth. For her. I can't tolerate it anymore. I'm worth more than this.

3. I respectfully disagree with this. The relationship is now over. She has real issues with abandonment. I want to show her I am not her father or like other men. Even though she doesn't deserve it.

4. Done

5. All my family knows (except my dad). My friends know. I don't want my kids to know unless they ask. I don't want them to hate her. She has fear that her Ex husband "Won" by destroying us finally. I don't think she is the type to destroy me. Doesn't want to kill the golden goose per say.

[This message edited by Jt8d at 5:17 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

So you will divorce her?

And she blames her ex-husband for finally destroying your marriage? When will she ever take responsibility for her own actions? Never, apparently. Just like all serial cheaters.

I'm so sorry you are back.

A 41 year old successful faithful man capable of deep love. Umm, you'll only stay single if that's what YOU choose. And that's OK. Ifyou want to enter the dating pool after healing from this shit show, that's OK, too.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:12 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Agree with Marz. You need IC. International pilot or not, why do you let people treat you that way.

I'm glad you're finally done. Just rip the bandaid off man. She is not a good person, shes cheated on you multiple times. A good person doesnt do that.

Your goal is to get out, get the best settlement you can have with your child in tow. She is not a good parent. Maybe you're not around enough to see it, but shes not. She also a piss poor partner.

Your goal is not to save her. You should look up why you continue to want to save these problematic princesses. That is IC work you need to take on. Don't save anyone but yourself and your child. That shouldnt be your goal. Let her deal with her own issues.

I read your profile as well. Sorry you are back again. A character flaw is putting it nicely. Your WW is a serial cheater who manipulated you for her own advantage. So much drama. She does not seem mentally or emotionally stable. My go to: Always value yourself. You deserve so much better, and at age 41 and in a successful career, you will not have to be alone if you don’t want to be. Please move forward and complete the D process. Do not engage her. No contact. You are going to come through this and be fine. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:26 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Our therapy practice would do you a world of good.

We see two seperate IC there and the founder together

They work as a team and they all know everything we share

This is the first time I have ever read anything here in SI that made me wish I could refer someone

Not saying that your situation with your disturbed and damaged wife would improve ,but you certainly could

I am sorry that you are going through this

You will be happier some day when all this drama is behind you.

Do you see a pattern here? It doesn’t appear as though your wife really gets along with anyone.

Hmmmmm.........really see her for the drama causing elephant in the room so to speak.

Jt8d,

I am so sorry that you are back here and that this happened to you....

You sound like you have your wits about you and are doing as well as can be expected for the circumstances. Please take care of yourself!!!

In your profile, you mentioned wanting to stay together because you didn't want your daughter to feel the less of another mom. With her graduation, this has been accomplished in a way. So it wasn't a total loss on your part.

I wish you luck and happiness in the future. You're still very young. I'm gonna disagree about being friendly with her but that's your perogative. Whatever your next relationship is, I hope you put your happiness and your well being(financial, emotional) before that of your partner. Being too self sacrificing is never good.

Hi Jt,

You've tolerated a lot. You can certainly leave with a clear conscience that you gave her every opportunity to get it together. Some people can't. If she's character-disordered, having a well-off and accommodating partner was probably quite enabling - I know it was for my spouse.

I hope you see life through a clear lens again. As you ought to know, it's a great big world out there and anything can happen in the future. I hope your life is full of joy and love in whatever form.

Your story is the ghost of xmas future for me and I thank you for that. Take care.

But, Jt8d, your posts make me think you sell yourself out, and I hope you change that. A good therapist can help.

*****

International pilot - wow.

*****

** Posting as a member **

Women are drawn to strength, courage, & decisive action.

My bet is that human beings are drawn to either 1) people who are authentic, and/or 2) people with compatible neuroses.

Sure some women are drawn to men who pretend to be strong. Some women are drawn to men who react 'decisively' with ready - fire, instead of ready-aim-fire - but we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, and it's very hard to pretend otherwise.

Be yourself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:44 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

I'm not one to believe there is no hope of reconciliation in most cases. But your's is one of the exceptions. I don't think she'll break any cycle of seeking male attention. What you describe is someone who just wants whatever she wants and expects everyone else to bend their lives to accommodate her.

She allowed you to work your ass off, sell your cars, pay off all your debts, and give up your normal home life so you could unwittingly set her up in a place of her own to accommodate her affairs. This is not a cycle. It's an entitled way of life with no rules.

If I were you I'd get some help in figuring out why you are so unquestioningly giving. If you don't you are destined to repeat this with other relationships. I wish you well. You are clearly a terrific person who didn't deserve any of this.

(((Jt8d))) It is amazing the abuse disordered people dish out. I'm sorry you are back, but glad you are freeing yourself from your anchor. There is peace and freedom awaiting you on the other side.

My best to you and may you find your happiness!

Flaunting her new boyfriend with your step daughter who you raised is a callous and cruel thing to do. This is who she is. She will never find happiness and will continue to leave a wake of destruction.

You gave this your all and should be proud of that.

Sometimes you just can't redeem the unredeemable.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 3:35 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

Thanks for the reply's. They help, a lot.

I asked for a divorce the morning of DD#3. Packed my stuff in Florida and flew back home.

I know I've been a doormat for a while. I was not the perfect husband either. Emotionally unavailable at times. Mainly to not think about it all I suppose. She is not a bad person. Just very lost. Very traumatized by her dad and family. Her triggers are me not being perfectly supportive when she had problems with others. I just didn't know how to help. I hope she figures it out one day.

This last affair solidified what I already knew but couldn't bring myself say. Our marriage is dead.

She is a good mom. A little overbearing with #1 and #3, but a good mom. She cares deeply for my daughter. I'm thankful she was there for my daughter when she lost her biological mom.

I don't know what the future holds. Divorce is a certainty. I'd like to be amicable for our son. As well as her health. I will be as long as she is.

She is not a bad person. Just very lost. Very traumatized by her dad and family. Her triggers are me not being perfectly supportive when she had problems with others.

Cmon man, everyone has problems to deal with. Her cheating has nothing to do with it.

I hope you get off the Merry go round so you don't get thirds.

Jt I can see empathy and compassion for your wife just oozes out of your posts. You clearly sit on the empathic side of the spectrum and as such you married a cluster b nightmare.

Multiple affairs aside you just have to look at the number of fall outs she has had in the last few years, and you appear to place the blame at their door rather than your wife. I get that I do, but read your post objectively and you’ll see the common denominator here is ALWAYS your wife.

I see the best in people too, my friend, and it can be a blessing but it can also be a curse. These people know how to play to the empaths weak spots, and that makes us vulnerable.

I know that you’ll be defensive about my next point but and I’m saying this really GENTLY ‘good parents’ do not put the mental/sexual/physical health of the other parent at risk. Good parents do not fight and squabble with friends and family and create difficult situations for their children to navigate. Good parents do not spend time which could have been spent on the family chasing ego kibbles and cheap thrills, good parents do not nearly lose their family and then put the whole thing at risk again. Her behaviours create life long FOO issues, that is NOT good parenting.

I really think you need to take those rose tinted glasses off and see her for who she is. And then realise your role on provinding the sane, stable voice in their world.

Sometimes even though we love someone dearly and understand their behaviours almost better than they understand them themselves we have to self protect and recognise them as toxic for us. I’m glad you’re pursuing divorce as she is toxic for you.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:23 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

She has fear that her Ex husband "Won" by destroying us finally.

How did her XH destroy your marriage?

Did he force her to cheat?

What I see is a person who has issues who has not done very much to address them. Instead she allowed it to control her life. And she uses it as an excuse or justification in her life.

She has a problem with her friends on your 40th birthday. I assume there was a blow up. She’s upset you didn’t support her? Ok it happened. Then what? She’s unhappy. Again not an excuse to cheat but what did she do about it?

Itching that occurred in your marriage gives your wife permission to cheat. In her mind she may use these incidents or issues as an excuse. However in reality one has nothing to do with the other.