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I am a bit upset at the moment. I asked if I could contact her parents (my in-laws) to say that I have always appreciated them (I've been around since high school). She said not yet, and told me that she couldnt muster the courage to tell them the entire story. She told them it was an emotional affair and probably sold me down the river as a bad husband. I think they know that is not the case, but blood is thicker than water as they say.

You don’t need her permission. You’d be wise to stop letting her control this.

Like a lot you are treating her as your priority when you are just an option to her. Stop the “pick me dance”.

That just lowers your status and attraction to her which is a huge thing in these situations.

I hope you wake up. You need to.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:16 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

I asked if I could contact her parents

You don’t need her permission for anything.

Here on SI, it is often advised to expose the affair as much as possible. Exposure kills affair.

You are married to her.

What you don’t realize is she’s already made her choice.

She chose him over you.

Why on earth are you deferring to her and not calling her parents? You are letting her control the narrative. Start acting like the alpha male you claim to be. You have a relationship with her parents too. Let them know in no uncertain terms that she has fucked someone else and wants to leave the marriage even though you’ve offered to work on it. She needs to start seeing some consequences NOW. Blood may be thicker than water, but they will know and once they do, they can’t unknow it. Next, as many have said here, start a hard 180. Your ONLY chance of saving this M is to be willing to lose it. Be the alpha male!

Thank you all. You are right! Other than her professional world (I need her to keep her job when D happens), her world getting blown up after I get off work.

Appreciate the tough love.

[This message edited by Amanapart at 10:44 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Other than her professional world (I need her to keep her job when D happens)

Agreed.

Talk to a lawyer to know what D would look like. Maybe you are entitled to spousal support?

Your posts have a lot of "we agreed..." and "I asked permission from her to do..."

Why do you need to "agree" with her before you take action?

Why do you need her permission for anything at all?

As a grown man, a victim of infidelity, and a human being worthy of dignity and respect- YOU DO NOT NEED HER PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING.

There is no need for her consent to call anyone, tell anyone, or take action. You are your own man. Do what is right and never ask permission from those who betrayed you.

Did she ask your permission to have an affair? Stay in it afterwards, separate so she could be with her other man more?

Firstly sorry you are here. The early stages after Dday are the biggest and bumpiest, part of this never ending roller coaster ride that none of us wanted to be on.

guess its because I understand why this happened. Not justifying it. I realize that she was going through a hard time, she made a mistake, has been honest it. I am not ready to throw away the life we have built together.

Politely, for the marriage to be successful it's not important for YOU to figure out why this happened cause you are not the one that had the affair. It's important for your WW to figure this out.

Until SHE wants to do this, this will go NOWHERE.

I've seen the comment about the pick me dance. I would agree.

Good that you came to a resolution. Any WS who started living separately after Dday despite having the option of reconciliation is mentally very draining to BS. Now rather than getting angry and shouting, showing indifference is the best way

[This message edited by goalong at 11:41 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

The other thing you need to do is go hard no contact.

Just stop. You are getting and going nowhere with your current situation.

She’s got a full time boyfriend. Where is it written you have to answer her calls or texts?

[This message edited by Marz at 11:48 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

I'm sorry you're one of us but glad you reached out, there's help here.

I don't think you're a fool. Your wife is confused... in the fog. You're 5 days in and I can say the best thing for both of you is what you've already decided... don't make any big decisions now. Don't commit to R and don't go down the road of D yet. One thing that helped me early on (its still early for me) was to read the 180 which can be found in the articles section on this site. Read it and own it. You need to work on yourself and make yourself a better person. You will feel better about yourself. This AP sounds like a douche, my guess is it wont last any time at all. Once you work on the 180 she'll come around without you doing the pick me dance. By then you'll be in a much better position to make your decision to R or D... because it'll all be up to you. Hang in there Amanapart.

Thanks everyone. What's hard for me is that I already am the person that I want to be. I'm in great shape, finishing my graduate degree, etc...

There's not much I can improve on personally other than continuing my day to day activities, which I am doing.

I know this might sound conceited, but it's the truth. I might need to pick up a new hobby but frankly don't have much time for that.

Default Posted: 12:20 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. What's hard for me is that I already am the person that I want to be. I'm in great shape, finishing my graduate degree, etc...

There's not much I can improve on personally other than continuing my day to day activities, which I am doing.

I know this might sound conceited, but it's the truth. I might need to pick up a new hobby but frankly don't have much time for that.

The fact you're here and pining over your cheater is a clear sign you have plenty of room for improvement. Seems like your picker and self worth could use some improving.

Edit: clicked an emoji while submitting

[This message edited by Skadu at 12:46 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Appears you’re a crowd pleaser. And you’re wife is in to monkey branching.

Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

I might need to pick up a new hobby but frankly don't have much time for that.

NO, what you need to do is to pick up a new life partner (assuming your WW doesn't get her broken self fixed). After your divorce, you will have plenty of time. Still, a new hobby might provide an avenue to meet the right person.

From what you have posted, you doing you (world traveler, graduate degree, alpha personality, good career to come) seems more than adequate for just about any desirable, sane partner . You are right not to sell yourself short. Your WW is the one who needs to change.

Any idea what I should do about the AP? He's not married so nothing I can do there. I know where he works, but it's a locked down corporate campus.

Any ideas? I'm not going to do anything stupid (physical) but I'm not really cool with just letting him off the hook either.

What you're thinking is typical for the victim of infidelity. You're angry that adulterers appear to get off without consequences. IMO, broken people eventually pay a price (if not now then later).

Plus to some extent, you're subconsciously trying to spread the blame from your wife to the OM. Nope, she's an adult and is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.

Your wife is the only one that betrayed you.

And she's the only person responsible for your wife's decision to cheat.

Is there a roster of people in her club or group? Can you get access to it? You could always out them both to everyone in the group. This could be helpful if you choose R and insist she let her hobby go - it would be a lot easier for her to let it go if she felt embarrassed or shame.

Any idea what I should do about the AP? He's not married so nothing I can do there

Ignoring the POS is good advise especially if you are going to D. But sometime one cannot get peace of mind without doing something to POS. If that is true for you, you can go to his work place ask reception that you need to talk to him, and once he is in the reception area you can let your heart out and exit at your earliest(this cause of action depend on how thick headed you are). Normally receptionists are very good at gossip. I have seen it in action in my native country but I do not know how feasible it is in US. Since there is nothing in writing I do not think POS can sue you.

[This message edited by goalong at 3:29 PM, February 21st (Friday)]