SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will guess life of the party guy would dump her when she wants to become serious or is probably cheating on her. Once she finds out he's not husband material her tune of...I don't want to be married anymore will change to...Let's R, I now love you.

You are almost done with school and she gives you this present. I would not worry about life afterward. You need to focus on your Diploma and not your WW. Seriously, we hear this all the time here on SI, focus on yourself, drink water, Dude, you will graduate, that is one big present to yourself in self improvement and confidence.

I don't know your finances nor do I want details. My suggestion is if you two can keep separate living arrangements for the next 5 months. Maybe she can't afford the Airbnb but anywhere away from your studies.

Walking home says it perfectly. Very succinct. Print that and put it in your wallet. Read it several times a day.

Best short, to the point, info on this entire forum.

"Do you know for sure the OM is not married ?"

Yes

Google PTSD....that's what you are and will be experiencing for a long time. Your initial reaction is to go into denial (tell yourself it's not so bad and you can work through it). That's where you are now.

Give yourself more time to make a decision (+90 days) and extend as necessary. Read up on the 180 to protect yourself and to give you space so you can make a rational decision.

See your doctor for STD testing, help sleeping and anxiety.

If the hobby close to MMA and male oriented than you just found out what kind of alpha your wife prefers. She is wired this way.

Do not fall into the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Just because you spent an X amount of time with her, does not mean you need to spend another minute.

"If the hobby close to MMA and male oriented than you just found out what kind of alpha your wife prefers. She is wired this way."

I appreciate the sentiment but I promise that I alpha this Mother@#*@# in every way

Experience shows that the most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D.

First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary). If you immediately offer R, you loose (a cheater sees that as weakness and a free pass to continue the affair).

Second, do not accept any blame for her decision to cheat. Lots of spouses are unhappy but they don't cheat. Her decision to cheat is 100% her responsibility.

Third, don't try to nice her back or to compete with the attention she gets from the OM.

A spouse (and marriage life in general), can never compete with the emotional excitement of an AP, the high from the AP’s compliments, feeling young again, and the false mental image of the ‘perfect’ fantasy lover/partner created by your spouse.

Fourth, you can read all the books you want to but that won't bring her back. Why? because you can't control your wife's behavior and she's the one that's broken (and only she can fix herself).

This isn't about your marriage or the OM. She's broken and the OM was convenient. She's not a safe partner until 'she' recognizes that she's broken and implements a plan to fix herself.

Fifth, inform her that you are giving yourself 90 days (maybe longer) to decide whether to R or D. In the interim, you will observe her behavior and decide if she deserves a second chance.

Among other things you'll look for:

-100% NC (not even passing on the street);

-a letter explaining why she deserves a second chance and what your marriage & you mean to her;

-a written timeline of her affair (where, when, and what she was thinking)- subject to a polygraph;

-books to advise her on helping you to heal from her infidelity;

-and IC to identify why she cheated.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Hi. Kudos to you for holding it together after taking one of the hardest blows a man can take.

Have you read about the 180 in the healing library? Like you, I wanted to save my marriage, but I refused to tolerate any more wavering between me and the OM. Once the affair was outed by my decision to hire a PI, I was clear in my demands - it was the OM or me - and I wasn’t going to wait for an answer. She needed to choose and make a commitment. My guess is that if you took a very strong stance - even to the point of telling her to choose and that frankly you’re uncertain about any future with her - she may come around very quickly. Frankly I wish I had filed for divorce right off the bat - not necessarily to end the marriage but to bring reality crashing down. After reading accounts of many BHs on this site it seems the ones who took firm achieved the best results. Remember she’s immersed herself in a male dominated sport that prizes confidence and initiative. You must demonstrate those qualities. Also, if this guy has any sort of leadership role, staff or volunteer, with this group and it has any leadership I would recommend outing the OM to the group so they know one of their people is poaching on married women. This is absolute BS. Good luck and hang I there.

Not to be a D. But if you’re alpha why were/are you plan B?

You need to get to them bottom of this if you want to R.

But have a feeling you’re going to get “I don’t know” answers.

[This message edited by BBBD at 8:26 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

She must give up her hobby.

Read BeyondRage's story. His wife's hobby was athletic, and he did not participate with her.

She has a male-dominated hobby, in which you are not participating with her, requires time away from you, surrounded by other men. Too much risk for a repeat, IF you reconcile. You were right to have concerns about this hobby in the first place.

Others have mentioned it, and I do think it is a very important mindset you need to have right now, which is to take control of the situation.

At the moment, you are reacting to things your WW is doing. This puts you in a defensive position which is never good, as you can be easily unbalanced.

Set your direction (get out of Infidelity), by going to get legal counsel, setting up clear boundaries of what you can or cannot tolerate. Set up a list of requirements that you need from your WW (e.g. NC with her boyfriend, total transparency of all movements and comms, full written timeline). Then tell her that it is her choice to follow you are you will continue on with YOUR life. There is no US if she continues with her boyfriend.

You will know what direction to take when your WW answers you. If she gives a resounding YES!, then you have a chance at R, if she waffles, then you know that the D route would be the correct one to take.

The BS is ALWAYS the Prize to be won, not the WS.

but that she initiated the one night stand. She told me how she feels like a monster

You've been together 14 years, your love goggles are on tight, and the lenses are really thick.

TAKE THEM OFF.

Your wife isn't sure what she wants to do about the other guy? Don't let that count for shit to you... you make the decision, walk away. What kind of commitment is she making? Sounds like none. Leave. See if that crystallizes things for her.

You're only 31. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Think you can trust her, ever? Want to worry about her when she's "training" over the next 10 years.

She's keeping you in reserve as Plan B.

Never be anyone's backup plan.

I am truly sorry for your situation. You wrote “I am not ready to throw away the life we have built together.“ which sounds weak and to get a WW back you need to be strong and show her that you can be independent and move on. She was the one with all the courage to bring up the splitting option with all consciousness after your 14 years ! ıf you want to get out of this strong you need to man up and refrain from such conversations where you say you do not want to lose her and stuff like that. trying to continue to be understanding and romantic and trying to find and justify reasons why she did so will make you look weaker and more vulnerable and over the weeks or months when the anger stage kicks in you’ll know what I mean. she has boundary issues like every other wayward and you cannot be your old self with this unexpected new terrible situation.

I have been reading books that have given me a better understanding of why women cheat.

You don’t need a book for that. Here, at SI, we know exactly why women and men cheat:

Because they want to.

That’s it!

What probably happened is that she started some activity, a guy flirted with her, she liked it, planned to hook up with him at that outing, and hoping it would fly under the radar. This way, she can have a nice stable marriage and have fun hooking up with some other guy at the same time! What could possibly go wrong? And if she gets discovered, she can just cry a lot and ask for forgiveness because her husband is quite in love with her.

People cheat because they want to.

People cheat because they want to have the cake and eat it to.

People cheat because they don’t care how much hurt they cause to others, they only care about themselves.

And the reality is that your WW can hook up with whoever she wants! Just not as your wife. She can D you and go sleep with the whole running club (or whatever it is), but she wants to be single and married at the same time. It’s all about whatshe wants.

There, I hope that answers that question.

Pick this book up, "Leave A Cheater Gain A Life"

Please realize that the betrayed here, men and women, have gone through all of this and they are just trying to keep you out of Limbo say, 5 or 10 years down the road.

My Question is: Am I an idiot for thinking she’ll ever come around to the idea that our marriage was not perfect, but honestly pretty good?

She already knows this. If she had been unhappy with the marriage, she would have D you to go live a life of fun and giggles

She loves your marriage. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I truly believe that our lost connection was temporary due to seeing each other less.

The lost connection is due to your WW wanting a husband and a boyfriend. You’re not responsible for this.

Millions of couples are facing similar situation and they don’t cheat.

I am a bit upset at the moment. I asked if I could contact her parents (my in-laws) to say that I have always appreciated them (I've been around since high school). She said not yet, and told me that she couldnt muster the courage to tell them the entire story. She told them it was an emotional affair and probably sold me down the river as a bad husband. I think they know that is not the case, but blood is thicker than water as they say.

You may be an alpha, but as others have noted, your WW does not see you that way. I see this in a lot of relationships, now that I went through it myself. I believe that it is very easy for a WS to see the things done by the BS, which should be appreciated, but are taken for granted, and it makes BS look weak. In the case of a BH, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, all can make BH look weak as these are "wife jobs" in societies eyes.

Amanapart, you are now reinforcing that by your behavior AFTER D-day. She has shown no interest in R, yet you are telling her that you are willing to take her back, if...

You can't change her. You can't force her to change. You can only deal with her as she is. Right now, your WW doesn't want to be married to you and wants to have a relationship with another man. Is this the type of wife you want? If not, take steps to change it. You can file for D and if she begins to make positive changes in herself and shows you that she IS interested in R, you can stop it.

Start the 180 now. She is out of the house. Good first step. Don't communicate. Don't dwell on what SHE is doing, focus on yourself and what you want. Figure out what you want your future to look like and then go make it happen. If your WW changes and wants to be part of that future, then great. But don't wait on her.

I am a bit upset at the moment. I asked if I could contact her parents (my in-laws) to say that I have always appreciated them (I've been around since high school). She said not yet, and told me that she couldnt muster the courage to tell them the entire story. She told them it was an emotional affair and probably sold me down the river as a bad husband. I think they know that is not the case, but blood is thicker than water as they say.

Excuse me. WHY are you asking her permission to talk to her parents, now? You need some cold reality, chum. YOU WERE WRONGED. Your wife wronged you. She is not in a position of holding the moral high ground here. She doesn't get to destroy your marriage and dictate terms for recovering from her bad decisions. Yes, that woman you love, your spouse, is capable of harming you-- emotionally and spiritually. This was a betrayal, nothing less than that. What got you here wasn't anything YOU did. You got here because your wife decided it was suddenly okay to fuck a guy she barely knew outside the boundaries you both set when you said your wedding vows. I know that's jarring to read, but it really is that simple. Please explain why you get to ask HER permission for anything now?

Aren't you angry about this? You are, you know. It's just not caught up with you yet. When it does, hooo boy. None of this rewriting the narrative bullshit will be acceptable. Look. You weren't a bad spouse. You did the best you could, like we all do (and did). Your marriage encountered problems? Of course it did. They all do. What's unique is most marriages don't feature a partner working out their marriage problems on top of a stranger's genitals. I'm sorry, that sounds cheap and tawdry. You know, that's what affairs are.. kind of cheap.. and tawdry.