SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I understand that the forgiveness stage means a handful of different things. It is not only for the other person, but mainly for yourself. Forgiveness is not seeking revenge, it is not forgetting, it is more than just saying that its water under the bridge.

7 weeks into dday, I have not forgiven my spouse as I do not want to give the gift of forgiveness to someone on a topic that I still randomly get triggered / angry about. I have never wished her ill-will, nor is it something that I would even want to hold over her head if we were to R. But is there ever a time in the overall process which is inappropriate to issue forgiveness? If I am randomly getting angry at her out of left field, I feel that a "I forgive you" is the wrong thing to be saying at the present moment.

IMHO, forgiveness - true forgiveness - can take years. Don't put any sort of timeline on yourself for doing so.

And 7 weeks out is WAY too soon to even be trying I think.

I am 1 year, 4 months, and two days out from dday1, divorce was final 2 months and 25 days ago. I am nowhere near forgiveness yet. And that's ok.

I agree 7 weeks out feels way too soon. Reading all of this material, it made forgiveness sound like it would be a possibility this early on since I was checking a lot of the boxes.

Couple that with a Marriage counselor which is sounding more and more surprised that I am dwelling on her A and not what we can do for our future has be quite perplexed. Its not that shes a bad counselor or anything, but she does tell me to focus on what I can control, not what I cannot.

Ohhhh fugly - be careful. If an MC is trying to get you "forgive" 7 weeks out, then IMHO they are encouraging rampant rugsweeping and you need to either quit MC and go with a good IC, or let the MC have it with both barrels.

Infidelity is TRAUMA. You wouldn't tell someone who had their leg amputated less than 2 months ago to walk it off, and that is akin to what is being asked of you by your MC. You get to "dwell on the A" for as long as it takes you to process things, and that will take YEARS. As you get further out from dday, it will hopefully take up less headspace, but 7 weeks out you are still shocky and in wtf mode... and that is NORMAL. Fuuuuck, 7 weeks out I was an unholy fucking mess still - not able to sleep, barely able to eat, really barely functioning.

You worry right now about processing the A, whatever that looks like. Worry about forgiveness a year or two from now.

Just my 0.02.

FuglyUnicorn,

The decision to grant forgiveness, like the decision to try to R or D, should not be taken lightly.

You are right in that forgiving is not forgetting.

Presidents throughout our Nations history have commuted prison sentences or have pardoned people of their crimes.

When a person has their sentence commuted it means that they are viewed as having paid an adequate price for their crime and will no longer be punished for that crime.

When a person is pardoned they have normally severed the entirety of their sentence and their actions have been deemed to accept their responsibility and their consequences for there crime.

While a pardon reinstates a person's full rights neither eliminate the fact that they have been found guilty of committing the crime.

I assume your statement of

I have never wished her ill-will, nor is it something that I would even want to hold over her head

would mean that you might be open to one day commuting her sentence.

When, and if, that time comes for you is yet to be seen.

Couple that with a Marriage counselor which is sounding more and more surprised that I am dwelling on her A and not what we can do for our future has be quite perplexed.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!! It's really early on for you to have MC. Your partner needs to figure out their shit first and foremost. Your M didn't cause her to cheat. She caused her to cheat. She needs to fix that. You cannot do it for her.

Its not that shes a bad counselor or anything, but she does tell me to focus on what I can control, not what I cannot.

I'm not going to judge if she is good or not, but make sure you choose a therapist that has experience in infidelity.

Additionally I do have to agree to let go of the things you cannot control. Your wife's choices and actions are definitely something you cannot control. However you do need to go through figuring out the impact of it on you and your M before you can start to rebuild. A lof of us here will tell you to hold off on MC for at least 6 months. Until some work is done at an individual level it's crazy talk to work to rebuild together.

Bud, MC can equal rugsweep

Beware

She made a conscious and willing decision to have an affair.

The marriage isn’t broken she is. No marriage is perfect. Did that cause you to have an affair?

She doesn’t fix that you can get a repeat.

It is still early for you, there may still be a lot of ups and downs, anger, sadness,etc. Agree with others, you might want to skip MC for now, not sure the one you have now is good. Get IC for you and if the first one doesn't seem a good fit, try another.

It took me a long time to forgive, but I will never forget.

I agree that you are too soon in the process to be worried about or offering forgiveness, and possibly not ready for MC yet, until your wife's issues have been sorted out. I am 2 years out, and have not put pressure on myself to forgive. I don't know what I'd be forgiving at this point, as I am still processing what happened to us. I'm not sure I will ever completely understand the how, the what or the why, so I don't know how to entertain forgiveness as a concept. What I have offered my WH is my best ability to understand the terrible place he let himself get to and the terrible choices he made when things got tough for him. I have achieved a level of empathy for the lonely, desperate place he found himself. But. I'm not sure I can ever truly forgive his shutting me and us out of his life and turning to someone else for support and happiness. Sure, forgiveness is a gift. But I think my staying and fighting for us, believing him worth another chance to be quite the gift. Maybe someday I can put a bow of forgiveness on that, but it's not even a concern for me at this point in our reconciliation.

Your counselor should be offering you guidance on these magical techniques to leave the past in the past, and should be helping you process and put into perspective your wife's affair, not making you feel even the least bit worse about yourself or your ability to heal quickly. Wishing you the support you need and deserve, and patience for the process. Be kind to yourself, and be prepared for this to take more time that you expect, especially if you are an overachiever and think you should be a infidelity recovering rockstar. Many of us have learned the hard way that this process takes its own time and cares not a bit about our timelines or capabilities.

Best of luck to you.

I understand what is being communicated here. One of my biggest fears is that she has had no real consequences and in turn this has only showed her how much she loves be because I have only been calm and rational. I did have to have her committed a few weeks ago due to suicidal ideations. I personally believe this is because I was not yelling at her and she felt she wasnt properly being punished. In turn, she wanted to punish herself by cutting and hitting a bottom of her own.

I should mention that we had actually been seeing this MC since last September. My wife was having the affair by then (claims to have broken it off before counseling which I am not sure I believe) and had been lying to our counselor about the AP whenever his name was mentioned (downplaying interactions).

That being said, she starts her first round of "Adult Intensive Outpatient Program" tonight here in the next hour. This program is to last 4-6 weeks at three days a week. I know that this isnt a miracle cure, but she is trying to better herself.

and yes- 7 weeks in, and I am still in wtf mode as every day is a roller coaster of emotions. I hate this so much. I can see why couples cannot get through it, especially when the anger stage sets in.

I think I have gone through the bargaining stage of grief and trying to make sense of it all. Honestly the more I search for sense in her actions, the more I have realized that there is no answer, and she just plain was selfish and cold. Not a one time fuck up, but an ongoing fuckup for months and months jeopardizing her own family. I never thought I would be in a position where I would love someone as much as I do, and come to the fact that I may not be able to handle the sheer amount of damage done. Its impossible for me to not think about her affair at least once a minute, and its pure mental torcher for the last 7 weeks.

In a way, I can see that she was actively trying to end the affair in November of last year. I can at least rest knowing that she chose me, but realistically the damage has been dealt. She cheated, she lied for 3 months. She cheated again. Then it took her 5 months to come clean and tell me which she only did because she knew that it was going to come out one way or another.

Unicorn(sorry don't want to call you fugly)

My background is faith-based and what I can tell you from my perspective which made things work for me:

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision. And it is a choice for YOU, and (what Jesus would do) so that you can find peace and not carry the albatross of bitterness in your heart and mind (heavy and exhausting). You do not have to FEEL forgiveness,though it often follows afterward - sometimes soon, sometimes far away in the future.

I found this to be tremendously helpful and freeing. It means you are not obligated to feel it. You can practice the mantra and excercise of giving yourself peace by understanding they are broken humans and you can't fix them. Not to feel sorry for them, but to release yourself from the burden.

You don't even have to say word one to WS.

Hope that helps.

I haven’t forgiven my wh and it’s been almost 6 years. I have no worries about forgiveness as all. We are in r but there will likely never be forgiveness. Why is it something that concerns you. Especially this soon. At 7 weeks your anger probably hasn’t even hit yet.

FU,

You wrote, Couple that with a Marriage counselor which is sounding more and more surprised that I am dwelling on her A

Fire the counselor and demand your money back or you will write damming reviews.

A few weeks and it's time to forgive??? Or does the counselor want to prolong your recovery and her increase her fee collection.

Was the counselor chosen by your WW?

FU,

I was on that roller coaster for a year. I begged and pleaded with myself trying to find forgiveness so I could quit hurting so much.

The pain didn't go away until I found who I was now that this new reality was forced upon me. I found strength in figuring out that my worth was not defined by my WW or her lack of fidelity. Forgiveness came when I realized how broken she is and it has nothing to do with me other than how it affected me. Forgiveness is letting go of what you can't change. You can't change the past nor can you control the future. I finally found forgiveness and it brought me peace but I'm still divorcing my WW. I still love her but not enough to torture myself in the future. I hope you find peace brother. Keep looking for it but don't rush it.

Forgiveness IMO isn't something that can be chosen anymore than grief can be controlled by choice

Both are powerful emotions and I personally don't think that pressuring an injured party to forgive is appropriate

I am kind of annoyed by the cliches that I read about them on social media such as :

" Refusing to forgive, they say, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die "

I am two years , four months and 3 days post Dday and although a lot of work has been done and progress made with my fWH, I still don't forgive him

Not sure when or even IF I ever will...but that doesn't mean that I don't love him and want to have a stronger marriage

I know without a doubt that I will never forgive his AP. Many here will disagree with me , but that is who I am

Please give yourself time and also, having gone through a bad MC and a few other IC for us both, I would seriously reconsider your therapist

Forgiveness is letting go of what you can't change. You can't change the past nor can you control the future. I finally found forgiveness and it brought me peace but I'm still divorcing my WW. I still love her but not enough to torture myself in the future. I hope you find peace brother. Keep looking for it but don't rush it.

This.

Don’t even utter that word until 6 months have elapsed since DDay!

The WSs continue to lie, to cover their butts

Dump MC, only IC.

I would never have been able to forgive my ex-WW, as the degree to which she got me to hate her made that literally impossible.

It’s too soon for forgiveness.

Now at this point you should be concentrating on you. As should he.

Don’t make any major decisions for at least 6 months. At that point you could consider if one day maybe you could possibly forgive him. Then go from there.

That’s what I did.

AP reached out to my MIL about a year after A and told her everything.

I asked her what I should do. She asked if one day I could forgive him and if I still loved him still forsaking all others and the answer to both questions, after I thought about it for a couple days, is yes. I still love him. I still want him to be my one and only and one day with lots of work I could and want to eventually forgive him.