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Bud, lay-off the alcohol. It’s a depressant and will just make your situation worse.

You still want the marriage? Expose it to the company HR manager. It’s her job or your marriage. And I might add. Your choice.

She doesn’t get to decide anymore or you’ll just ge5 more of what you’ve been getting.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:24 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

I don't know what I want right now. This revelation may be even more difficult than the initial one. She had so many opportunities to do the right thing and couldn't

She had so many opportunities to do the right thing and couldn't

Nope, she made the decision not too. Her ongoing affair is more important. Affairs trump everything. Marriage, family, etc

Know where you are in this.

You still want the marriage? Expose it to the company HR manager. It’s her job or your marriage. And I might add. Your choice.

She doesn’t get to decide anymore or you’ll just ge5 more of what you’ve been getting.

Seconded.

Also seconding the alcohol thing. You need to be at your best right now.

Really don't care about my best right now. This is worse than the initial disclosure

Marz I guess that is what hurts so much. It trumped everything. A dumpy, married POS took my wife

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 10:52 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

I'm really sorry your W has built a life of lies.

Even if you decide you want R, remember that you need a full partner to actually R. That means you need a partner who is honest, and it's hard to see your W being honest at this point.

I still advise figuring out what you want first. If it turns out that you actually want D now, your path is a lot simpler than if you want R. You'll save yourself a lot of anguish and effort by going straight to D - if that's waht you want.

Your W has been guilty of TT (trickle truth), refusing to commit to changing from betrayer to good partner, refusing to change jobs, etc., etc., etc. TT is particularly damaging.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:55 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

I thought I wanted R. now I don't know what I want. How do you rebuild a life after years of lies? How do you ever trust again? What kind of foundation do you have? This new revelation has rocked me again to my core. But this is even worse since she had an opportunity to come clean and rebuild and she couldn't

The key basics of R

Truth

Transparency

No Contact with AP

You don’t have a single one at this time. You can want R but that would take 2. Currently her actions tell you she could care less.

You can’t trust her and her words are meaningless.

Shes protecting herself and affair at your expense. What are you getting out of this?

You’re only gonna get what you allow.

But this is even worse since she had an opportunity to come clean and rebuild and she couldn't

Not couldn't but wouldn’t.

Big difference. She made a choice.

At this time you’re still in a bit of shock and confused. Understandable under the circumstances.

You’re and honest upstanding guy so it’s harder to comprehend someone that isn’t.

Really don't care about my best right now.

I understand that. But remember that she has a great capacity to hurt you, and has proved that she totally will.

It has been seen countless times on SI; BS can easily end up with a criminal charge from WS...alcohol intensifies that possibility. As much as this hurts, you need to be careful, on point, and keep your eyes open. Seriously. Imagine what could happen. You cannot trust her.

At the very least you need to stay completely away from her if you're drinking.

~

There are actions you can take from here.

Only I can hurt me.I choose what happens. I control what happens

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:43 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

With alcohol in the mix you may not make the best decisions.

Be smart and cut that out.

I am not going to take any actions right now. I need to think and weigh my options.

I am

m still in a back and forth with WS om text about what happened. That is messing with my head and I need to think straight

Nothing wrong with thinking it through as long as you don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis.

This is a lot simpler than you think.

no my decision isn't just about me . I have two kids still at home and adopted a nephew during this mess,

I don't care about her (not true but give me my lie)

But I still have bills to pay and the like

Sir,

I am not trying to be hard here...but go back to the first post in your topic.

Had you followed the advice of the more aggressive responders, what would have gone differently and where would you be?

What is you had fully blown up the affair publicly and notified HR, family, friends, OBS on day 1?

What if you had set hard ground rules like NC, full open access to all devices, and a full timeline in writing?

What if you had handed her D papers and told her to GTFO of your house...even if you can't legally force her out?

Look, this is hard...no doubt about it. It isn't easier by trying to go soft. It's better to hurt a lot for a short time than hurt a little forever.

You are at a point where a concrete decision is needed. Either swallow the A and accept it as is...or pull the ejection handle. It is fully your call...but you do yourself no favors by living in limbo with all that pain and none of the egress.

Good luck.

You guys got me to see the light. Whats the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. That's where I am right now,

I don't know what I want and I hurt worse than ever

knowing what I know, I would have told OBS sooner

Start preparing for more -

You are now chomping on the Scheiße Sandwich and finding the mustard doesn't kill the taste.

Something is broken in your spouse head - speaking that as relative to "normal" people.

Does she blame you for "making her" bond with dumpy?

Time to play hardball - see the lawyer and get moving - get out of your infidelity situation - time will provide the rest.