SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Trust me. You will know when she gets it because she listens and backs up her understanding with positive actions, shows you empathy, and strives every day to make it better and prove to you that she is worth it. She's not doing that and if you not forcing her to give a crap will result in her stopping then it's a clear sign she was never going to get it. If you have to ask if she gets it, she doesn't get it. The difference between regret and remorse is like night and day. You know it when you experience it.

Truthfully, while IC, books, and SI are a great road map to remorse and R, a WS can do all of them and still be unremorseful, unwilling to R, and cheat again. Read around. You will see a bunch of WSes who will do it all and then cheat again. You will see WSes who post on SI and then abuse their poor BS behind the scenes. You will see WSes lie until they can't lie no more even when they seem more remorseful than your WW. In the grand scheme of things, she isn't proving to you that she has what it takes to R.

Why are you so afraid of D? And what are you doing to change that?

Because I already did it once. I just want to be at peace. Just let me be at peace for once.

Peace will not come until you create the space for it. Peace certainly won't come if your WW continues the path that she is on.

What are you doing to work on yourself?

How do you create the space for it? How do you get rid of the clutter?

I have always tried to be a good husband, a good person. I have been burned twice, but I keep sticking my hand in the fire. I guess I am a hard learner.

I understand WW has a long way to go and that frustrates me, which doesn't help.

I have actually found someone who has walked in my shoes and is willing to talk to me in person. No panacea, but a help. Connecting to them, even though the ended up doing the opposite of what I hope for, has helped me.

So I am trying to help myself.

Sorry - 2 X 4 time - You don't need to talk with someone who has walked in your shoes.

You need someone who can help you separate the contradictory streams of thought and feeling that keep you stuck, someone who will confront the barriers to action that are controlling what you do. IOW, your best bet is to find a good IC.

If you disagree, you tell us what will get you to take the action that will give you peace.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:56 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

It really doesn't matter any more. I don't care, she doesn't care. I tried, because I loved her. She can't do what she needs to do. I can't do what I need to do, so it is what it is, I tried

I am stuck. I can't get out. I am starting to see that D maybe is the only way out

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 7:53 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

Sometimes letting go is an act of strength, not weakness.

I know that my holding on hasn't protected me from pain. Sometimes it causes it. I held on too long now I have to save myself. It's so hard. Peace to you.

(((achilles1101)))

Part of the problem is I don't know what is strength or weakness. I'm not sure if that really matters.

That is the problem, I am not sure.

How do you make any decision, let alone one that is influenced by love, if you don't know what you are doing in your own life?

You love someone and they betray you, for a long time. You still love them even with the betrayal.

Everything hurts, you have no clue how to deal with it. You try to deal with it alone for almost a year. You really don't deal with it, you live with it. She lies to you and you hurt.

You hurt. She can't take that away, no one can. So you try and bury that because you know nothing else. It doesn't work, Nothing seems to work. You try and see some progress and the rug gets pulled out from underneath you.

Here is the rant, People call you codependent. From a post. Really? I get trying to help, but psycho analyzing on line. I get there are common BS and WS behaviors but how the fuck do you know me?

Anyways, I had to get it out as I am hurting

People call you codependent.

It's not a disease, mental illness, or crime. It's also something that can be worked on and fixed, like being controlling or jealous. And if that's the worst label you have to face in life, you're doing pretty well!

I don't know what is strength or weakness.

Yes, that's a problem. When I feel stuck and faced with two choices, doing the thing I really, really do not want to do is almost always the strong decision. Which is why I find it so incredibly difficult to do.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:05 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

How do you make any decision, let alone one that is influenced by love, if you don't know what you are doing in your own life?

Through logic....take the emotion out of the equation of your relationship and assess it clearly, then plan a course of action...calmly.

She can't do what she needs to do.

Poppycock, she has chosen not to do...

Look: you can't predict the future. You can't predict the consequences of most actions. You certainly can't predict the unintended consequences. Fear is always a part of decision-making because nothing in life is certain.

But the choice you're facing isn't between D & R. YIt's a much more significant choice. Your choice is between taking choosing to live this life on one hand and staying stuck on the the other.

What help are you looking for? What help are you expecting from SIers? There's no magic, achilles. You've set yourself on a path. You'll stay on that path until you act to get yourself onto another path or something knocks you off your chosen path.

I hope you human up, take responsibility for yourself, and act on your own behalf to get IRL help. No one can do that except you.

Here is the rant, People call you codependent. From a post. Really? I get trying to help, but psycho analyzing on line.

Most of the co-d comments have been along the lines of '_____ is something a co-d person would say/do.' That's far from a diagnosis.

Sisoon is right. This is exactly why you would benefit from an IC and taking some time to reflect deeply on your biggest fears, your convictions, and your points of confusion. Once you work those out, your next steps in how to stop being stuck will be made clear. I also don't think talking to people IRL who have been in your shoes is a bad thing either but it's not a cure if you're too afraid to implement their advice due to your own personal issues that aren't being addressed.

So staying in your bad M with your WW, who is not doing the work to help you heal or re-establish your relationship is not working, and you feel stuck.

You have the ability to unstick yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take charge of your life. Will ending your M hurt? Yes. Will leaving a relationship with a liar and a cheater who doesn't love you help improve your mood? YES!

You are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else. Think about how you want your life to look and go make it happen.

That's true, I can unstick myself, but I would never know if she could unfuck herself if I did. A Little more time might let me figure out that

I actually know what I would like my life to look like, I just don't know if it is possible

I actually know what I would like my life to look like, I just don't know if it is possible

I'm assuming you mean that your WW would be remorseful and you'd have a happy M?

I will not tell you that you can only control yourself. I will not tell you that CoD people always think the other person is the problem and cause of their unhappiness and cannot see their own role. And I will not tell you that this misery ends when you decide it ends. I will not.

OIN ,

that is some serious B.S. Thanks for that. Glad you are in a place that allows you to say that, I am not, so thanks, for nothing

I will not tell you that CoD people always think the other person is the problem and cause of their unhappiness and cannot see their own role.

Wow...so OP just absolutely COULDN'T be unhappy bc his wife cheated and doesn't show remorse?

You've been on a roll lately, OIN.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:18 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

Well, GR, what can a BS do if one's WS is unremorseful and if the BS is going to heal?