SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know. you know more than mr

Achilles,

1.

I am just trying to be a good man.

2.

I hate that I can't be what I need to be for her.

3.

I know I am not to blame for what happened, but I can't help but sometimes think I could have been a better husband.

I broke your first sentence up into three, because it illustrates the turmoil you are in.

1. You know you are a good man, and we all agree to that.

2. Then you hate yourself for not being able to change yourself to suit your abuser. Why must you change to suit your abuser? It should be the abuser bending over backwards to change themselves if they are truly remorseful and want to help you heal.

3. Then you go back to making yourself crazier by thinking about a time machine (i.e. going back in time to be a 'better husband'). Fundamentally, you know (but cannot seem to accept) that you could not have done anything stop your WW from cheating. The only thing that you might have been able to do to stop her form cheating was to put her into solitary confinement. Apart form that extreme measure, there was nothing, zilch, nada, that you could do.

You keep wanting to 'fix' things. Problem here, you cannot fix your WW. She has to 'fix' herself. You concentrate on healing yourself. You cannot be her Knight In Shining Armour at this point in time, as you are too damaged.

At this point in time, you will probably break yourself first before you can 'fix' your WW.

An analogy here; in airline flight safety briefings, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you try helping someone else with theirs. Why? If you pass out because you are helping someone else to put on their mask, then you will fail yourself and that other person. There will be two casualties rather than none.

Even though you say you are not trying to be Superman, everyone else sees otherwise. We see that you are trying to do everything for everyone first, before you do anything for yourself.

You get yourself even more confused because of this. You need to focus, and that focus must be on your own healing first. Do not attempt to help others yet.

Rocket makes some very good points.

achilles, you still seem to be stuck in blaming yourself for your WW's choices.

You wanted to be the rock your WW could cling to. You were, but she CHOSE to let go. That is not your fault.

All indications are that you need to switch your focus to yourself. Focus on your own healing and detach from your WW. Let her focus on herself. Right now, you are only causing yourself more grief.

Brother you are a strong man, you need to do what you need to do.

I am in favour of R if both parties are on board for the ride and willing to do the hard yards. But that is up to both parties.

The both of you have been marking time, or not really moving fwd. Running a race track. But can be done together, but it is a shit show. Yes you are you and she is she. But it is time to make that move.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:51 AM, July 18th (Saturday)]

so tonight the rock is crushed. She has finally destroyed me. I give up, no matter the love, I can't see how this works out.

What happened to cast you into this state of mind?

Today is the anniversary of my moms death, next month my dad. They loved her like the daughter they never had. Took her in and loved her. She was in the affair during both deaths. I feel like she betrayed them as much as me. Especially my mom, she really loved her.

So this time is really rough for me. Sorry, I hope this explains a little. Hyper sensitive I guess.

She was in the affair during both deaths.

Achilles,

My D-day was over 10 years ago. To this day, the affair has been my calendar-of-reference.

We got our dog on this date? Oh yeah---that was a year and one month after I discovered the affair. Our younger son graduated high school in what year? That's easy--it was six years after the affair. And so on.....

And like you mentioned---EV.ER.Y.THING that occurred in your life during the affair years will take on added meaning. My father was in the hospital telling me that he didn't want to continue the cancer treatment path, and not to have us fight to change his mind the very same night that my WW was fucking her AP for the first time. Kind of difficult not to have some sort of parallel in my thought process. These sort of references are going to be a part of your 'new' normal. But it won't always be a painful reminder, because over time as the pain lessens(and it will) you can use this new date-keeping hypervigilance to your advantage. For a guy like me who was TERRIBLE with remembering dates, it has helped in that aspect....as the hurt diminished.

I have the same way of thinking about dates as JB3199. Always have.

It hasn’t gone away, but it does get better. Processing that crap the first time absofuckinglutely sucks. Bad. It’s part of the special hell that that comes with a LTA.

And I too feel my WH betrayed my family- parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, etc. All the holidays and group Skype calls and vacations we went on (and the funerals)....all the memories of love and togetherness are clouded by his living a secret sexual life. Always presenting as the nice guy, our family KISA.

And.... that gets better too.

Jb,

So how did you deal with that?

GMC,

Does it really get better, I have a hard time seeing that.

I don’t think I could even see a shadow of the light at the end of that date tunnel for the first year. The 2nd year was better - I think bc I wasn’t so surprised at it... I’d already cycled thru it once. And year 3 is better still. Don’t get me wrong- it’s not as if it disappears. Not as if it doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel anger.

But for me it has gone from feeling lost in the Grand Canyon of pain & anger to something more manageable. Something that may be hard, but I know I can climb.

I really do believe our brains have to somehow process it. And it takes as long as it takes. And there are a bunch of cogs all spinning at once, that interact with each other. So we are processing things like all those memories of moments (happy & bad/painful) when we thought our WS has our backs. And at the same time we are processing who our WS is, how they changed, what we missed, etc And we are also looking at ourselves, learning coping strategies to handle getting thru the day (or maybe only the hour or minute or second). And one by one, those (and the myriad other) cogs slow down a bit, get into a rhythm we can understand.

I remember sooooooo many times in the first months/year when a SIer would say “it takes time”. I thought they were crazy and didn’t know me or my WH or how different we were, etc. I could not even imagine it ever feeling better. But for me, turned out they were all correct.

Godspeed

I whiteknuckled it as you say. Did it for years. I thought there was something virtuous in my sacrificing for my family. I sacrificed myself right into being an angry person that has a shit relationship with one of my children because of it. I think in my head I thought that eventually my WW would understand the tremendous prize she had in me because I stayed with her even though I knew it was only because the OM had tossed her aside when I told his wife. You know what? She never did. All I did was make myself miserable for years and give her license to check in every now and then over the years to see if the AP had left his wife yet or perhaps by some miracle she had died. I finally left as my last child left the home but the damage to my self-esteem and my confidence was profound and I still struggle with issues related to it.

achilles,

You're drifting. You may drift in a healing direction; you may not.

Your life can get better, but your best bet is to take the actions you think will make it better.

Otherwise you leave yourself at the mercy of wind and currents.

Brother we all some sort of Co dep regardless. Specially ex military and LE. Thrive in structure etc.

It does get better but it takes time.

Just keep on looking at what you need and communicate this. She also needs to step up. You have weathered the hard yards there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

She feels different cause she is. Like she has lost that lustre or shine.

Just strength to you

Buffer

I had to take a break, I felt like I was drowning and needed to breathe.

GMC,

Does the year between DDay 1 and DDay 2 count> I feel that was a wasted year and I started all over again in a deeper hole than before.

Beenthere,

So no, I guess whiteknuckling it doesn't work. I am so close to retiring to the country out of state. Doesn't happen if this doesn't work.

sisson,

I don't know if I am drifting so much as whiplashing back and forth. The goal remains the same, but between the struggles of both of us, I am not sure we can get there.

Buffer,

You are so right, I need structure and this whole thing has thrown structure out the window. Maybe that is why I am struggling so much.

I have weathered a lot, with more to come I fear. She is different, she has killed that innocence that we had in our marriage.

Trying to work this all out, but I find myself doubting whether I can forgive her.

Fair enough when you feel it is better let go, have her served.

Buffer

achilles

One thing. I don’t know if your wife still professes her desire in wanting to fix this. But I felt the need to point this out. She has only posted 20 times since joining and nothing since July. Just my opinion but I think that speaks volumes about her “remorse” and “commitment” to the marriage.

You can not fix your marriage all by yourself. One handed people can’t clap their hands. It takes TWO. Two hands to clap. TWO people to fix a marriage.

What you CAN do is fix yourself...that is, to begin healing your wounds.

I am so very sorry for your pain, achilles1101. Please know that it is possible to heal and to be happier than you can even imagine yourself being right now.

I had to take another break from the forum, I was driving myself crazy.

We are still working on things and have not thrown in the towel just yet.

I worry she is not able to handle all my issues regarding the affair and triggers that remain. She still gets angry and defensive. That is no to say she has not made any progress, she has. I also worry that I will become a bigger impediment to R and wonder if I will ever be able to forgive her.

She has IC once a week and it seems to be helping her. I have told her I will give her a chance if she changes what made her susceptible to the affair. I will not be put through this again.

She has not posted on the forum since she got upset with people posting on my thread who were recommending D. Not sure why she has not gotten back to posting and asking for help. I think she may still read on the forum. I know she PM's at least one person here but I don't know how frequent that is. She has a journal that she wrote the timeline and other things to me in, but she hasn't written in it for some time. She also has a lot of books and as far as I know hasn't been reading them. We also go to MC which has been good. I have managed to keep that focused on the causes and effects of the affair.

She says she still wants to R.I get that it would seem she could / should be doing more. Can't disagree with that. Our youngest has one more year left in High School. That would seem to be plenty of time to see whether or not we are in a position to R.

I am trying to get my stuff together and fix myself. Sometimes I think I am doing better and other times not so much. A work in progress.

She has not posted on the forum since she got upset with people posting on my thread who were recommending D. Not sure why she has not gotten back to posting and asking for help. I think she may still read on the forum. I know she PM's at least one person here but I don't know how frequent that is. She has a journal that she wrote the timeline and other things to me in, but she hasn't written in it for some time. She also has a lot of books and as far as I know hasn't been reading them. We also go to MC which has been good. I have managed to keep that focused on the causes and effects of the affair.

Because she doesn't want to deal with the uncomfortable. She isn't willing to fully look in the mirror.

Regardless of where you try to keep the focus, MC is a 'safe' place for her. There is no way that she will be called to the mat like she would on an infidelity forum. She didn't like that some members were encouraging divorce? Boo fucking hoo. Many, and I mean MANY of those posters had very valid arguments as to why divorce made sense....primarily because they felt that it was the best thing FOR YOU, when from your posts it seemed obvious that your wife isn't remorseful. And in my opinion she still isn't. Maybe when she stops being so defensive, and shows some contrition, people will think otherwise.

But you still have to do what you feel is right for YOU, and no one is going to know that better than the author of this thread.

She says she still wants to R.I get that it would seem she could / should be doing more.

Agreed.

jb,

I believe this to be accurate;

Because she doesn't want to deal with the uncomfortable. She isn't willing to fully look in the mirror.

Seems to be something she is struggling with.

I think MC has been good. We focus a lot on my feelings and then her reaction to my feelings. I don't consider it a safe space for her. I think we both get something out of it.

She also has IC which seems to help her.

We have a long way to go. Lots of people here say it takes a long time. Maybe the journey will be worth it. We will have to see.