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Is she doing anything that is helping R?

She is Doing IC and has started a new job. She is working at both jobs and leaves her old job for good in a week. She has been more open with talking about the affair lately. It seems she is actually making progress.

Two weeks ago AP showed up at her job site so stressor for me. Last week AP showed up again and waited until she was alone at her desk and approached her. He spoke to her and she says she ignored him until he went away. I didn't deal with that very well. Then two days later her father had a stroke and subsequently passed. Not a good time for either of us. I am very close to her family and they have been supportive of me during the affair revelation. I need to be supportive of them in their time of need.

She has a going away party at her old job this Friday. We are both confident AP will be there and try something again.

So that is why I am having difficulty with everything right now.

You don't have to stay home and suffer.

It's not unusual for the spouse to attend a going away party. You don't need an invitation - just show up with your wife on your arm.

I guess I should have clarified. The party is an informal affair at work during work hours. Just food and gifts and the like as people gather throughout the day and at lunch time.

She is having a party and the AP is going to come? WTF?

I headed a fairly large office. We naturally had people leave. Depending on how long they were there would dictate what kind of part or send off. The thing is, I would say about half of the people opted for nothing at all. They wanted to keep working until their last day and leave without a lot of fanfare. Wasn’t unusual.

Why would she be having a party where he could be there? You need to quash this thing. She will obviously feel bad that she didn’t have one, but do you think she will feel as bad as you did when you found out your wife was fu*king someone for years? In a month the pain for her will be gone for missing a party. Did your pain go away in a month? She wants this party because she needs the validation and attention of others. If she were truly remorseful she would put your need to be safe ahead of hers. My guess is she won’t.

As to the stop bys he has been doing. Again, another WTF. He comes to her office and she ignored him because that what she said? The same person who had a multi year affair under your nose, lied to you for a year, probably swearing on her dead grandmothers life she was telling the truth, but she ignored him and it’s true cause that’s what she told you.

How do you know he didn’t spend 45 minutes in the office reminiscing about the great times they had, or even worse planning future get togethers. Why wasn’t HR notified so they never had to deal with each other again. Probably the same reason that it might be embarrassing and painful. Again, like finding your wife has been screwing someone for years, isn’t.

She might be talking a good game, and it’s a positive she left the job even if it took a long time, but she needs to step up her game and put your feelings and needs ahead of hers.

As a supervisor, I've given a lot of talks at going away luncheons (formal and informal). The spouse is usually present at that time and stays for about 30-40 minutes, sometimes less & sometimes more.

Within the first 10 minutes, someone from the office (probably her boss) will give a little speech/talk and wish her well.

If it starts at Noon, swing by the office to join them all for lunch and to catch the speech. It makes a strong statement to your wife that you support her career, appreciate her effort to find another job, and are her life partner.

Force the OM to stand in your shadow.

Do not allow the OM to take your place in any way. You should be by her side.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:52 AM, November 5th (Thursday)]

I didn't provide enough details. The party is for WW and her and AP's boss who are leaving at the same time. That is why I am sure he will be present. Due to corona, I can't attend. I would not go anyways. I am not so stupid to think you could have a years long affair at the office and no-one would know. I also know he was probably unable to keep his mouth shut and had to brag to someone. I would not be able to face those people. Plus there is the very real risk of me not being able to maintain myself around him.

How do you know he didn’t spend 45 minutes in the office reminiscing about the great times they had, or even worse planning future get togethers.

I don't. Maybe she is just telling me just enough to make it look like she is being honest with me. I have no way of verifying anything either way.

Why wasn’t HR notified so they never had to deal with each other again.

I needed her health insurance while I figured this all out. Plus she would have been fired and that means loss of income if we stayed together or more alimony if we didn't.

So not exactly clean or easy decision.

I get now why you didn’t blow things up if you needed the insurance. People need to do what they need to survive

Still, she is leaving the job. 100% her AP will be there. You can’t attend. Still doesn’t answer why she is going. My EX gave up almost everything to try to salvage our marriage. You see other WS here doing the same. The fact she is having and attending this party is a slap in the face to you. I get where her not attending is awkward. Still a small price to pay for the years of fun she got to have with him. Let it be awkward. She is out of there anyway. Unless of course she will still be tied to her friends and the AP who remain

Seriously, the fact she didn’t on her own offer to give this up, speaks volumes.

She can call in sick on her last day.

No party. No seeing AP again. No weirdness. And,most importantly, her husband won't have to deal with that stress. She actually puts him first. Seems simple enough, and surely a very small sacrifice she can make for the good of her marriage, and her husband's piece of mind.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:10 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]

I didn't even think about her calling in sick. Shows how far I have my head up my rear end. She has three more days next week at the current job. The stress of this party has been a major obstacle in me supporting her and her family over the death of her father.

While I knew AP would try at least one last time, it still caused a lot of grief for me.

I am trying to put me second for a while and support her and her family. I am just failing at that

I am trying to put me second for a while and support her and her family. I am just failing at that

It's okay if you're not successfully putting you second. Sounds like she's doing it for you.

She didn’t leave her job cause she thought you would get over it. She has continued contact with him knowing how much it hursts you. She knows how much this party is going to hurt you, but once again it’s her needs over yours.

You are reaching the limit of your thread. This is going to end the same way it started. Her putting herself first, and you not standing up for yourself while she walks all over you. It’s this type of insensitivity on her part that leads me to believe their really hasn’t been true NC. Why should she? She will give you an explanation and you will believe it. My guess is the affair probably started up again.

What will it take for you to realize it will always be about her?

And BTW, you can still be there for her grief over her MIL, without subjugating you dignity.

You obviously are going to let her go, and she is selfish enough not to volunteer to call in sick or whatever.

She will most likely have a great time at the party while you stare at the clock. I feel for you.

It's okay if you're not successfully putting you second. Sounds like she's doing it for you.

She has been and will continue to do so....

Have you by chance ever heard the story of the frog and scorpion? If not google it, I hope it provides clarity.

You are staying in a prison cell with the keys in your hand hoping she’ll change.

She doesn’t have to. You’ve shown her that.

I am impressed that she looked for and got a new job. We were all insistent that she do this early in this thread, and we've forgotten that she had a lot of excuses. But she did it. That is nice progress, although there is much more work to do. Do you think she is making good progress, Achilles? That's what is important here.

I didn't provide enough details.

Something about the wording of this sentence seems off. Is she still stalking you thread, and getting mad when she doesn't like the advice? Is she still getting mad at you for not wording your feelings the way she thinks you should? Did she tell you to add things you hadn't originally?

This is supposed to be your safe place. Its a shame she won't let you have it.

Regardless, she read the suggestion that she call in sick, to help you through this. Did she call in sick?

Frogs and scorpions, prison cells and keys and people trying to help me, what more could I ask for?

What will it take for you to realize it will always be about her?

I don't know, this has been the most brutal thing I have gone though. Maybe nothing will, maybe I will have an epiphany. Maybe she will change. Who knows? Certainly not me.

No she didn't call in sick, yes it caused me grief and to top it off, he came in this week also. Not only that but a coworker she flirted with was at the party and then skyped her twice on her last day of work. So maybe I am an idiot. I don't know, but everyone seems to think so.

Do you think she is making good progress, Achilles?

I don't know, sometimes I think she is really reaching down into her soul and other times she doesn't do things like call in sick to the party. I guess a mixed bag and I don't know how to read it. She has opened up to me a lot, if it is the truth. That is the problem, I can't verify anything. Isn't that always the issue? You want to believe but don't trust yet.

How do you resolve that?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 12:57 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

If I understand it correctly, she has given notice to her job that she's leaving the job, and has a new, different job secured that will start.

This party is being thrown by some co-workers. It's a little social event to say goodbye to your WW and her boss who by coincidence is also leaving the workplace around the same time.

In other words, this isn't an official work event, your WW has no business reason to be there, and there is nothing about her job stability that could be impacted by her absence. On the other hand, the AP and at least one other man she has flirted with will be present. And you are excluded.

So here you are, something like a year later, your wife is still partying openly with her AP, and yet you are trying to defend this as okay to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I can't verify anything.

Yes you can.

You can verify that she knows she is continuing to hurt you.

You can verify that she puts herself first.

You can verify that she knows what she needs to do, and she doesn't do it.

You can verify that she is not safe.

She reads your posts. She knows how much it was hurting you,that she was going to be partying with her boyfriend. She was given an easy out. She chose herself. She wanted to make sure she could see him again. In a social setting.

Its been a year. Nothing has changed.

So what if she has supposedly opened up lately. Words mean shit. Her actions matter. And its very clear what those actions mean.

you are trying to defend this as okay to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

No I am not defending anything to anybody, just looking for help with my particular problem. If I had all the answers, I would not be here. I look to this forum for help in dealing with my particular problem, from people who have been in similar positions. That's it. Help, there will be some who say the only solution is to divorce the b. I get that. That is not productive in my case. I may well end up doing that but I have to weigh all options and nobody knows what she is doing, including me totally.

I get there are certain things that are common across the cheating world. I am trying to deal with my cheating wife with my own perspective.

So I guess, if you call me a dumbass, and maybe I am, I am less likely to listen to your advice. People respond to things all different ways. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass, sometimes I don't.

Anyway, it is what it is and I will make my own decisions. I get she totally screwed me over, I live with the hurt every day. I get it. What I need to do is way all my options and come to a decision.

She is just a bad person, it is obvious to most people and to you too, I understand you want it to be different, but that is just not who she is....she is the scorpion.

She is just a bad person....protect yourself in whatever decisions you make....