SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is just a bad person

I get that. I really do. I also love her and am having trouble reconciling the two

When I read your update this morning I just shook my head in sadness and decided not to craft any kind of reply. You have been asking and getting help for 40 pages here. Not all of it has been divorce her, but it’s been pretty consistent that you need to stand up for yourself, and she for once has to put you first. Neither ever seems to happen.

She just doesn’t care about anything other than her getting her needs fulfilled. She has a 4 and a half year affair, doesn’t quit her job as you should just get over it and learn to accept it. Her affair gets found out by the other BS, and instead of showing any kind of humanity for that poor women, starts the thing back up again. Why? Because her sexual needs came before his wife’s and yours

She reads here. She knows how much this whole party thing and now with the AP in town, it wasn’t just a party day, but party week was going to destroy you. I’m sure you were told they didn’t barely see each other. I stated before,,my guess is this thing started back up, and leaving the job probably now makes it easier to see him. Now we know he is free to spend a lot of time in your town.

No one, or at least I don’t think you are stupid. I think you are just so beaten down that you will now just tolerate anything.

Did you even ask her not to go? What was her reason for putting her needs once again before yours? She knew exactly how much this was going to hurt you. I couldn’t reconcile with my EX for various reasons, but I can guarantee she never would have done anything like this. On D Day she vowed to do anything to keep me. Missing a going away party would have been done in a blink of an eye.

Do you think she felt anything while you watched the clock while she was saying good bye to this guy that has such a hold on her?

This will be my last post on this. You need to look inward to find some strength and try to regain any dignity that you might have left after she trampled all over you.

Again, what could she have said to you that made it ok for this to happen. And if it wasn’t ok that is even worse.

I feel for you.

I get that. I really do. I also love her and am having trouble reconciling the two

That is the problem we all have had, how to reconcile who they ARE with you we BELIEVE they are/were in our MIND.

What helped me, was when I thought about love, I asked myself LOVED WHAT ABOUT HER EXACTLY. I didn't allow myself to romanticize memories I just thought about her actions, who she was, and where it would inevitably lead me.

I asked myself what would she do if I faltered, if I became ill, if I failed?

The answers gave such clarity in those moments. It did not erase all the feelings but it brought logic where only emotions once reigned. It was painful, perhaps the most painful moment in my life to realize how little I must mean to someone whom I would sacrifice/d so much for, but in the end, it was needed.

Love is a choice, I decided the moments with the scorpion just simply did not outweigh the venom of her sting.

Waited,

It wasn't about sexual needs for her, it was about feeling good about herself. He made her feel good about herself and she sold her soul to keep it going. She used sex to keep the " feel goods coming" not to excuse anything, just for clarity.

You are right, I have a long post asking for help. I am apparently one who doesn't get things easily.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I think you are frustrated with me not cutting and running. That is you, not me. I am trying to do the best for me and my kids. Do I always do that? No of course not. I am human and am trying to do the best that I can

I’m not upset that you are not cutting and running, although I think you should. That is an individual decision and other factors come in so I understand how some don’t leave.

What is upsetting is that she after a LTA, massive TT, and making you watch her interact with her AP, she still has no respect for you and always puts herself first. You will never be able to R if she doesn’t change. We will be at 50 pages or 100 and you will still be plan b. Maybe not plan b to the AP, but plan b to her need for as you describe self validation.

She had a chance here to stand up and do the right thing and skip the party. For once to put you first. She failed miserably.

I will ask one more time. Did you have the discussion about the party? Did she even consider not going? Describe her thinking to us?

My guess is because she reads here this question will never be told to us as you want to protect her.

If she really had guts, she would activate her account and post on the Wayward side and ask what they think. Of course she won’t as she left here cause she wasn’t getting the answers that fit her narrative.

Achilles,

It is so hard to post on your thread without giving the impression that we are just 'piling it on'. It's not our intent. But if your ultimate goal here is to seek advice to get yourself out of this torture, then unfortunately, there is going to be a continuation of difficult to read posts.

Personally, I am exactly on WWTL's wavelength. All we can do is point out where your WW, or you, are missing big time on actions that can get you out of this disaster. Not once did I say that you have to divorce your wife. Nor have I said that she is anywhere near reconciliation material. You can wait as long as you wish until one of those choices is clear, but understand that it will continue to take a massive toll on you. One way that will speed up this decision, either way, is to stop taking the disrespect that she is giving you in such a passive way. There is no way on Earth that it should have ever registered that it was even in the slightest way OK that she be at ANY event where the OM would be. NONE. I am in no way trying to act like a tough guy, but if my WW tried to do something like that, she would know in no uncertain terms that only one of us would be living in this house when it was over. And if she wouldn't be the one to GTFO, there is no way that I would be staying there.

I know.....much easier said than done. I don't have the personal finances to support two dwellings, but I would stay in a tent before accepting that sort of disrespect.

I'm sorry, Achilles. It sounds like more piling on, but it's not. It's a hope for you to find some righteous anger, and put it to good use. She may be making headway through therapy, but SO WHAT when it comes to a total disregard to direct pain that she has caused you? If you want to give her credit for starting to dig down, quitting her job, etc.---then that is fine. It is good to see her make some progress in these fields. But for whatever credit she deserves, she also deserves the discredit for the continued poor decisions. And some of these poor decisions are monumental.

It still comes down to a deficit of personal accountability from your WW. And a total lack of respect for your pain. These last events show that in spades.

I apologise as it’s my first time on this thread,

I read the last page then I went back to read ALL 40 pages of your story,

You said the 180 didn’t work for you...how so? If used in the correct way it can be a tool for you to detach, to take a step back, it can help you untangle yourself from all the bullshit, it can help you gain strength & conviction in whatever direction you want to go, as well as many other things.

As an outsider looking in. It really seems your WW has had no consequences for her LTA, no recourse for all of her behaviour & her treatment of you.

Why would she do any work on herself or her marriage when there doesn’t seem to be any line in the sand?

Just my 0.2p worth.

We all know she is glued to your thread. We all know she monitors what you write,and you have to be very careful to not make her mad by sharing your complete frustration and pain. So we know she read the suggestion that she call in sick the day of the party. Why didn't she?

We often say here on SI that a BS has only two choices: R or D. But that's not really accurate. A BS that actually wishes to get out of infidelity is faced with that binary world, but a BS can choose the third path of remaining in infidelity, in a unreconciled marriage. Clearly that is what AH is choosing here. My belief is that this choice is made primarily out of fear of the unknown (the devil you know vs the devil you don't), but I could be wrong.

What keep people glued to this thread, I think, is the fairly high degree of shit and abuse AH's WW continues to heap upon his head, and he continues to endure. It's the sort of "you can't turn away" thing, like a car accident or such.

Achilles, what is stopping you from going to her right this minute and saying:

"WW, I am disappointed in how your last day of work was handled. I am hurt that it was spent with 2 men you have betrayed me with whether you spoke with them or not. Why didn't you call out sick? How can I trust that you won't be flirting or finding a new OM at your new job?"

You are in a prison of your own mind, that you have built.

Ok, here goes.

We did have a discussion about the party. I didn't think about her calling in sick until it was suggested here. By then it was to late. So I dropped the ball. My mind is muddled and I often think of things to late. We talked about her response to anything. The man she flirted with being there threw me for a loop as I was so focused on AP.

It really seems your WW has had no consequences for her LTA

Maybe, maybe not, she did have to tell her whole family about it and had to leave her job, all be it later rather than earlier.

Now we know he is free to spend a lot of time in your town.

Not sure where this came from, He lives and works east of my house and even farther from her new job,

She had a chance here to stand up and do the right thing and skip the party. For once to put you first. She failed miserably.

I agree, it turned into a fiasco.

Achilles, what is stopping you from going to her right this minute and saying:

All ready did.

We are penning, I am old, a response to OBS regarding his failing to abide by the no contact letter.

Both of us are communicating with people from the forum in private messages and are trying to figure this out.

57 yo male here. the last few years have been rough. Work was bad, back and neck pain bad (finally got a spinal fusion), mother died, retired to take care of my declining father. Became his primary care giver. Was unable to help him as he just gave up, major guilt for me that I could not help him.

Achilles, Is there something other than love for your WW that is keeping you in this state of affairs? There’s a comment you made in your opening post that made me wonder about your situation, your physical condition (your spinal fusion) and your ability to execute-decisively, a plan towards wellness.

Standing your ground, with the prospect of D, hiring an attorney, legal fees, splitting up the family, splitting the finances, splitting the property, splitting friends, setting out on your own, living independently, starting all over again, potentially being alone for an undetermined length of time, perhaps even forever, all this, managing all this, while pushing 60 and coping with a wrecked spine...

All that, managing all that while leaving 18 plus years of good memories in the rear view?

Managing all that while feeling an overwhelming desire to not give up, to not let go of the woman you still love and the life you had...

Managing all that while still grappling with the loss of your father and the guilt associated with that loss...

Is the contemplation of all that I just mentioned just absolutely overwhelming, frightening and depressing as hell?

Because it is. It’s so overwhelming it’s difficult to see past it. To see any light at the end of this tunnel. To see anything good come of all your efforts and expense except loneliness, despair and hardship.

It’s easier and more convenient for some of us to be more decisive and aggressively protect our marital rights and personal dignities. Some of us are in a much better position financially and better condition physically to rebound and recover wholistically. Then, there are many of us who have much more to contend with.

I don’t know but, if this is you, if this is your situation, there are many on this board who have been where you are now, or worse, and can guide you to a better place. Give you hope. Help keep the difficulties in proper perspective.

I will ask one more time. Did you have the discussion about the party? Did she even consider not going? Describe her thinking to us?

So you talked about it. What did she say that made you ok with her going, and if you weren’t why did she go anyway.

This is what is so frustrating about this thread. You are so scared of her that we just get the minimum of answers like the one above where your answer that “you talked with her” with no background about the discussion leaves us in a position where we can’t really help. I’m thinking at this point you are ok with things. Not happy, but ok. And that may be good enough for you. No judgement

As to the being in town comment, I was confused. I thought after they were caught he moved to a more remote satellite office. The fact that they never really had much distance apart isn’t that great.

This also stuck out to me on page 22 as I went back through your posts to see if I missed anything.

She also said OBS and AP brought their baby to work shortly after the physical part of the affair started. I asked her how she felt about that. She replied she felt guilty and thought it would end the affair, uh, no. Anyways she tells me she held the baby. I utter a short exclamation of disbelief. She says what is she supposed to do, say I can't hold your baby because I am having an affair with your husband? Besides she likes babies.

This says about everything we need to know about her character. Who holds the BS spouse baby and then goes and fu*ks or sucks off their husband for years.

Both of us are communicating with people from the forum in private messages and are trying to figure this out.

Good. You are addressing things in your own way, and that's what's needed.

I feel that many posters, particularly male BSs, are way harsh toward you, but that is a common pattern here. I know they are frustrated and protective, but I'm not a fan of this approach. There is more than one path through infidelity, and the path zig zags and even reverses course at times. But divorce is not a guaranteed straight line either. I know plenty of people who easily transitioned into being happily single, and I know plenty who did not.

You do you, Achilles. Just remember not to compromise on your needs in this relationship, not to back off due to relationship fatigue. It will eat at you inside. We need to fix the accountability and respect inside the M, or we need to eventually let it go. You can take your time, but don't let up the pressure until you feel peaceful and respected in your gut. You'll know.

I didn't think about her calling in sick until it was suggested here. By then it was to late. So I dropped the ball.

The party was on the 6th. I suggested she call in sick on the 5th. You responded to that suggestion on the 5th.

How in the world was it "too late" for her to call in sick?? People almost always call in sick the morning they wake up sick,and can't go to work that day.

And it was her last day. What consequences would she have had if she simply didn't come in?? Regardless, it was suggested the day before. So I'm having trouble understanding how it was too late to call in sick..

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:11 AM, November 15th (Sunday)]

Both of us are communicating with people from the forum in private messages

This could be good,or it could be bad,depending on who she is talking to.

We did have a discussion about the party. I didn't think about her calling in sick until it was suggested here. By then it was to late. So I dropped the ball.

My God man. "I dropped the ball". WTF? If I'm understanding this, she fucked another man for years, even after his wife found out, even after promising you it was done. But you are the one who "dropped the ball" by not thinking of a way for her to avoid attending a party with this man, at an event that she is not required to attend, for a job she is leaving?

Dude. You don't have a ball (and I mean that metaphorically, as in this is not your job).

It wasn't about sexual needs for her, it was about feeling good about herself. He made her feel good about herself and she sold her soul to keep it going. She used sex to keep the " feel goods coming" not to excuse anything, just for clarity.

I know that theme is commonly discussed here on SI, but in this case, I don't buy it. The way she kept going back for more sex with him even after his wife discovered and hated her, even after you discovered and were crushed. She was going back for the sex. I think that's pretty clear.

There can be an endless circular discussion that I suspect she has a talent for but in the end, in the most basic form she prefers the rush of being someone's concubine to that of being someone's wife and mother.

She is not repulsed by who she is, or her actions, or the harm it causes when she reflects upon herself, how pray tell would there be anything to motivate core changes if it is EVEN possible.

I find myself recalling an episode of a very old television show "House", where the was a female patient who was a true narcissist, I wonder how close it is to what Midlyfewife really is at the core.