SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting here. Sorry this is going to be so long. I recently discovered that my husband and my bestfriend were having a sexual affair years ago and continued the emotional affair for the last 7 years or so. I am on an emotional roller coaster. With this Covid-19 stuff going on I feel ever more "trapped". I have been a stay at home mom and do not have my own income. We have 3 kids together 15, 11 and 4 years old. I have been with my husband for 15 years. My friend and I were friends for over 25 years. We've been through everything together. I feel like I am grieving the death of the two of them.

Here is the back story... Back in 2013 I saw a few messages between the two of them. I confronted my husband and he said they were planning something nice for me. I stupidly believed him and brushed it off. I never confronted my friend about the messages. I know her and knew I had to have proof before confronting her or it would go nowhere. I took pictures of the messages because I was deciding if I wanted to take them to my friends husband to see his opinion. I decided not to. He has always been a very jealous man and has caused her harm at times. So, for the safety of her and their kids I kept it to myself. My husband has NEVER given me any indication that he has ever cheated. When I say I trusted this man with everything, I mean exactly that. He has always been amazing to me and our kids. Never missed things with the kids and I. He is truly my bestfriend and we always enjoy eachother (so I thought). He never hid his phone or anything. We both had eachothers passwords to everything. He NEVER gave me any reason to not trust him. I never felt or wanted to go through his things. Especially with MY bestfriend. Well, over the years I didn't think much of them. We've done all our family vacations together. All our holidays, just literally everything together. At times I would get weird feelings from her but I (again) brushed them off.

Fast forward to recently. The pictures of their messages from 2013 popped up on my Google photo memories and it didn't sit right this time. I questioned him AGAIN. I pretty much pleaded with him to tell me the truth. He swore up and down nothing had happened and he has never had any interest in her. Well, I decided to go into his emails and do a search for her name. I found messages going all the way back to 2008 between the two of them. He deleted A LOT but enough was still there. It started off with them planning my babyshower. She got pregnant around the same time as me. After she had her child she would message him telling him she's bord. They'd talk about random stuff. Eventually she started flirting with him. Then later confessed to starting to like him. To later on saying she has fallen in love with him. They started meeting in a parking near the highway (on his way to work) in the morning. A quick stop. They had sex or she would give him a blow job and he went on his way to work. She was also a stay at home mom. Going by the messages it seems like she was getting upset that it seemed like he was using her for sex so she started to pull back on meeting up for sex and told him she didn't want to be used for that. That's when all the emotional affair started. He started telling her he loves her too and she is all he has. This went on from about 2011-2013. Eventually she told him if he wasn't going to leave me then she has to end their sexual affair. During that whole time he constantly begged me for a 3rd child. Finally, in 2014 I agreed to trying for a 3rd child. I got pregnant later in 2014. I could tell she wasn't excited for me like my last two but I let it go and didn't question her on it. So, from 2013-recently they communicated through email. We took separate family vacations last year and they were both still communicating with eachother while away. They never spoke on the phone or through texts. She didn't want any of it on her phone bill. It was all through emails. This wasn't the 1st married man she had an affair with. She has cheated twice before, one was married and another in a relationship. That is her thing I guess.

I confronted him with what I found. He instantly started crying (eye roll). Then he decided to open up the flood gates and told me "everything". I then confronted her. She denied the whole thing. Told me I was crazy. Then she ran and told her husband and told him I was accusing her of these awful things that she didn't do (another eye roll) Well, her husband called me. I told him everything I knew and what was told by my husband. He cried, hung up. He spoke to my husband. I offered to show him the emails. He never wanted to see them. Fast forward a couple weeks and he started threatening my husband. Which made me angry because I was not threatening his wife at all. I was taking it up with the person that committed to ME. Him and I had some words. I think I made him realize he was going about it wrong and at least my husband had come clean with the both of us. Finally, she admitted it all. Then threw my husband under the bus like it was all him. I corrected her on lies because I had facts in the emails.

Needless to say we are no longer friends. I have not spoke to her or plan on it. As for him, I'm not really sure where we stand...or where I stand, I should say. I had to tell our children that we are no longer friends and will not see them or do any family events with them any longer. They cried, I cried again. It's just awful. I did not tell them the reason why we are no longer friends. I do not want them feeling that pain or looking at him differently. He has got himself into individual counseling, which led him into also sex addiction therapy and now marriage counseling. A lot of trauma that he didn't even know he had has come out, including he might have been molested as a young child. Just so much that I can't even wrap my head around the whole thing. I love this man so much. I honestly could never see myself without him. But now I'm just so lost and don't know how I can, if ever, get over all this. I have been doing my own individual therapy long before this happened. I have my own struggles that I dealt with from my own child hood trauma. A huge part in this betrayal that really hurts is, he did all this during my lowest time. I was severely depressed and on multiple medications. We weren't intimate. I was struggling with my kids and just my own basic needs. So, I just don't know how I can continue on with us. He is literally doing EVERYTHING possible to try to keep us together but my feelings are just not there like they should be. I see him doing everything possible but I just feel that it is not enough. I feel like I want more but I can't even pinpoint what more I even want. I just don'tfeel fulfilled anymore with him. But also still can't see myself with anyone else. It's so hard to explain. I'm just lost and broken.

If you've read this far, thank you. Anyone that has been through anything remotely close to this, please tell me anything that helped you through it. It's not the "typical" affair. I wish it was a stranger rather than my own best friend, that was like a sister to me. The two people that would have been my rock through this awful time, are the two people that caused ALL this pain. I miss my friend at times (who I thought was a friend) I feel so lonely and lost. Nowhere to go. I have nobody to talk to about this.

[This message edited by PerfectStorm222 at 12:37 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

PS,

Sorry this happened to you, so much loss.

Have your WH write out a detailed timeline for the affair.

Then take his butt to get a polygraph.

Ask him what gifts they gave each other, destroy them

Advise OWH to get a timeline, polygraph, STD testing and DNA his kids, give him the names and numbers.

The OWH threatening your WH that's a risk all cheaters take.

Thank you for your response.

They both claim they never exchanged any gifts. She said she'd be afraid to take anything home that her husband would question and he said he'd never spend a penny on her. It was strictly for sex. Just stop on the side of the road, get off real quick and continue to work. For her it seemed so much more. By the emails it was clear she was really in love with him and wanted him to leave me but couldnt act on anything because of her husband and kids. He told her he loved her and gave her hope of something in the future for them. He claims it was lies to get what he wanted. He has his statement of truth written up for a polygraph test. We just haven't gone with the pandemic going on. Not sure if that's even going to help much. O guess maybe prove of he was really in love with her or not.

Oh my goodness. I’m sorry your are having to go through this. It is a double betrayal! And you are absolutely right you will be going through a grieving process. Grieving for the lost of your best friend, the family unit your thought you had, your marriage. Let yourself go through the grieving stages. Don’t think about the future and being with him or anyone else, you are in no rush to chose. You and your children come first.

Do not make any decisions until you are ready.

It sounds like your H has started working on himself, which is a good.

What are you doing to work on you? Are you eating/drinking/exercising/sleeping? Are you ok still living in the same house as him? If possible I would contact a solicitor and see where you stand if you do divorce. Also you need to have a STD test....this is so important. I’m not saying all, but a lot of cheaters don’t think about protection.

Also read the healing library on here, it’s so helpful.

Wishing you all the luck getting through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Double blind-sided. Just a reminder while you sort things out. You said he communicated in emails to her that he loved her and and she was all he had when she emailed that she felt she was being used for sex and wanted to cut it off. It was his reaction and communication that lead her to believe (however stupidly) that it was more than sex.

Now he tells you it was just sex. (in the end it doesn't matter, just that it is more lies). I just wanted to make sure you had that part solid as opposed to just focusing on her coming on to him as an innocent sex addict.

It is also worth re examining just how much he truly is/was your best friend from HIS perspective over the years. That is A LOT of direct deceit to be coming from a best friend. Hundreds/ thousands of little lies. I have no doubt from what you say that you are a best friend to him and it is natural to feel a reciprication from a husband of 15 years that may not completely be there.

Take care as you navigate this and once again, I am so very sorry. You will get through this.

I’m so sorry you are here, Sadly you are among friends who have gone/going through this heartache.

You don’t have to decide anything atm,

Take care of yourself first & foremost, eat little bits, drink plenty of water & try & get as much rest as possible, I really didn’t understand the point of this in the beginning but trust me I soon caught up.

I went through DB (double betrayal) twice in my marriage, it takes special kinds of people to inflict this heart wrenching pain on someone they’re meant to love.

Don’t be hard on yourself, post as often as you need,

grieve, get angry, cry, don’t hide your pain or feelings, your cheating husband deserves to see just what he’s done to you.

In the forum under ‘I can relate’ is a thread for ‘double betrayal’ you may find extra advice there.

I’m sure others will be along shortly with more words of wisdom.

((((Hugs & strength PS ))))

Sometimes when we know someone is cheating, we act out, and don't handle it in the best way. Understandably so. When it comes to her husband, and considering his reaction, I think that you might want to consider that he might have have a reason to feel jealous with her and did not express himself well. Just some food for thought.

I'm curious about what his IC's rationale was for sex addiction therapy. Did he struggle with porn too? Could there be more OW that you don't know about? Maybe some BSes with sex addicted WSes can chime in but I'm pretty sure the bar is set a little higher than what his A warrants.

..similar story..except the asshole best friend did me a huge favour and died from a guilt and shame induced brain tumour... 14 years ago April 18th

Thanks again Steve!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:53 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

Your husband has been cheating for half your marriage. That’s unforgivable to me. It’s your marriage, however.

I have no advice. Just sending a hug. You don’t deserve this.

Btw, she was never your friend. She is a lying, cheating weasel. I can’t write what I think he is.

Please find yourself your own counselor. To support you from this double betrayal.

I have a good friend. She married her HS sweetheart. Married 10 years. Found out he was a serial cheater. He had another child with a co-worker, a girlfriend or two AND a fiancée. Everyone knew except her friends and family. Her neighbors knew. His co workers knew. Their wives knew. Everyone knew. But her.

She was humiliated. Beyond words.

Counseling saved her sanity and helped her to come back from the darkest hole. I suggest you strongly consider it.

As for your cheating H, every single thing he said is an excuse. Sex addict. Family trauma. Bad childhood. None of those caused him to cheat. He chose to cheat. Period. He found a willing partner and engaged in an affair. Period.

He needs to own up to that 100%. None of this is your fault. It is his fault. Period.

Thank you for your responses...

@Masa I have been working with my own individual therapist. I've lost 30lbs so far just from being so sick to my stomach over all of this. Now that the weather has been better I've been able to take the kids out for walks around the neighborhood. It's so hard with this Covid-19 stuff going on. Some days I want to be here, other days I want to be far far away.

First thing I did was get checked up at the doctor. If he caught anything from her I would have got it years ago but I figured if he'd do it with her then nobody else is off limits. I don't trust anything anymore.

@Anna Yes it's hard to believe what is real and what isn't. But like you said, doesn't matter. It was done and it doesn't change the hurt. You made a really good point about re evaluating the friend part. So true.

@BigBlueEyes Thank you. I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this twice. I can't imagine the pain. I don't think I could survive going through it again. This has absolutely crushed me.

@Babbu Her husband had every right to the way he reacted. Her past cheating made him the way he was in the past. I kept it to myself because of how physical he would get, especially in front of their kids.

@Nekonamida I always knew he watched porn everyday. It never bothered me. But I didn't know it was as much as he was. When he started his IC a lot of trauma from his childhood came out and then they figured out that he was using masturbation for coping

@Nekonamida i found out he was doing it about 3 times a day. I just thought only when we weren't having sex. He never realized how much of a problem he had until actually working on himself. And also surfaced things that happened in his childhood that he blocked out and is now starting to remember. A lot is still cloudy for him.

@somanyyears I'm so sorry you went through this as well. I can't lie, I do wish Karma will catch up sooner than later but the love I have for her kids i don't want them going through pain too. Such a shitty situation.

@Cooley2here you're right. More than half. 2 years of physically cheating and then 10 years of emotionally cheating. It really sucks. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him. And as for her, I'm just done. Which is also sad

@The1stWife Thank you for your response. That is awful to hear about your friend. The betrayal is enough but then adding in the embarrassment doesn't help either. I do have my own therapist that I have been working with. She has been great with doing double sessions to try to help pull me out of such a dark time for me. Sometimes it's just not enough but having the kids helps me a lot too. One thing he has taken full responsibility. He hasn't blamed anything on anything but himself. He even took all the blame when he told me. I already knew a lot just from the countless emails but he took all the blame. His therapist is the one that I feel is giving him excuses. I guess to help make him feel better, I don't know. These are all the things she is saying. He said he knew what he was doing and went with it. Curious and succeeded.

PS,

Are you saying that your WH claims no intercourse?

Because the thing is that if your WH impregnated the OW he may be on the hook for child support.

If this comes to pass it may be better for you to divorce your WH and get a child support judgement before the OW does.

Typically cheaters lie about the extent of the affair hoping you will forgive and rugsweep the affair.

@survrus He admitted to intercourse and her giving him oral sex as well. She also admitted the same. Luckily she never got pregnant during there time being sexual. I definitely can't rugsweep this. It is was too hurtful.

Posting quickly so I can find this later. My H’s affairs were short and over by his own choice. But it was double betrayal. Story in my bio page. I can relate SO much to mourning the loss of two relationships. It is a valid feeling despite how horrendously she hurt you. I’ll be back to share more and follow along.

Meanwhile embrace all the amazing advice you will get here, even that which feels hard to follow. ((((Hugs!))))

If your H is truly remorseful and making changes - maybe you can reconcile.

However it is up to you to decide if you can forgive and still be happily married to him. You deserve nothing less.

Sometimes cheating is a deal breaker. Something the cheater never considers.

@GTeamRoboot I just read your whole story. It sounds a lot like mine. It's so hard. I completely understand that part of missing your friend. I mow look at it as she was never my friend to allow things to go as they did. But, I do miss us. How we were with eachother. Over 25 years of friendship. Us growing together. Having kids together. Doing all our family stuff together and then just one day stopping it all. I don't know how she could be in love with my man and then go on family outings with us and look me in my face. We would have girl talk about our husbands and all that. It's just insane to me. They had sex multiple times over a 2 year period and she gave him more oral sex. She didn't even do that to her own husband which blows my mind that she'd go out of her way to do that to mine. I asked her why and what was she getting out of it all and she just said she got nothing in return and was so stupid. She balled her eyes out crying to me apologizing but she knows me. She knows I'd never look at her the same. We'd never be able to do family things again. There's no repairing what we had. The emails she wrote to him were so descriptive of her feelings towards him. Plus she tried to make him think I was cheating on him for years and she knew damn well I wasn't cheating. She was very manipulating. He knew better but went along with it for his own pleasure. Now he is trying EVERYTHING possible to keep us together but I just don't know how I feel.

@The1stWife He seems extremely remorseful. But I feel like it might just be too late. I don't trust anything with him anymore. He has been making every effort to work on him and us to make us better. I used to feel so safe with him. Everything was home with him but now it's like I don't even know him. He's not the man I thought he was.

PerfectStorm.

I don’t know if you can recover and still stay married to him. The double betrayal and length of time the affair occurred may just be a dealbreaker for you. I feel for you in your position. My friend who married the serial cheater H -none of the OW were people she knew. None were her best friend.

I can tell you that you need to keep on a path of healing. For you. Right now you need to be your only priority (and your kids). Not your marriage. Not him.

I can share that my H had an EA that resulted in him deciding to D me. First he admits the affair. Like it’s nothing. Ten days later he wants a D. He doesn’t want to be married anymore.

I spent the next 6 months trying to fix everything. I also spent the next 6 months getting my plan B together just in case. Fast forward to Dday2 when I learned he was still cheating but believing we were reconciling, I was left with no choice. I had enough.

In a calm rational manner I told him I was D him. And then I left the room. It wasn’t a discussion it was a statement of fact. He no longer had any control over me or had any decision making ability.

I restored my power and control in my life. I was no longer a doormat. I had $ in the bank saved over 6 months, a mediator, therapist, plan and support team. He was blindsided but I no longer cared. He was not my problem.

Long story short he somehow managed to prove he had changed. He showed true remorse. He was begging me to R. but I refused. I demanded a post nup which I still have. He willingly signed it. He managed to prove by his actions that he was worth another chance.

I finally stopped thinking I was going to D him after one year. I thought about D every day for 12 months.

You may be able to R. Or not. It is your choice. Just know that cheating can be a dealbreaker and it’s something the Cheater NEVER considered unfortunately.

Do not let him decide anything right now. You need to be the driver for your benefit and the benefit of your children. He should consider it a privilege if you even speak to him.