SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

PerfectStorm,

I don't have anything really to add. Only that I am sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine having to deal with a double betrayal.

Not to be pessimistic, but some things are simply deal breakers. Your marital history has changed forever. 15 years? 15 years of living a lie? How does one unpack all of that? These are rhetorical questions, of course.

Only time will tell. 2-5 years is the usual timeline. Even longer when dealing with a LTA (long-term affair). Or so I've heard.

You may well still realize in 5 years that there is nothing he can do to fix this for you. No guarantees.

As to your wondering if he's being real or just going through the emotions... It's hard to ever tell. You already know he's a consummate liar. I am sure he knows he stands to lose a lot if he gets divorced. He is in self-preservation mode.

You're looking at your marriage through rose-colored glasses.

Definitely DO NOT offer R just yet. Consult an attorney. Protect yourself and your kids first. Again, not being pessimistic. But I haven't seen a WS suddenly become a safe partner overnight. Time and consistent actions are what will help get you to R.

Good luck.

I believe we all play a role in our marriages, good and bad.

You said that you were experiencing depression which trickled down to intimacy issues? Your WH decided to step out on your marriage because he wasn't getting his needs met. This could definitely become a topic of discussion between the two of you. Unfortunately though, he chose a path that may very well end the marriage.

I think he took it personally though as if you didn't have an interest in him. He couldn't see outside himself long enough to see that your depression wasn't about him, it was about you.

Why were you depressed, PerfectStorm? Can you elaborate on this?

It's okay that you made bad decisions with your ex friends infidelity and turned a blind eye. At least today you can see clearly. Sometimes it takes a wakeup call to see things we thought were okay to ignore.

What went on in your family life growing up. Try to give us some details.

Yes, I am sad. Just feels like another blow to my head and heart.

None of this is easy to deal with. I'm sure you're having pretty hard time struggling to understand your new reality.

Was it recent when you found out?

Honestly, I should have left my WH to deal with his alcoholism and his poor behaviors a long time ago. Should had left and let him figure things out on his own. But I was afraid of being alone and afraid that he would die from all the drinking he was doing in that time frame. I also depended on him financially. This is all I knew.

Squid,

Yup, pretty much. The last 9 or 10 years of cheating. 2 years of PA and the rest an EA. All while I was here thinking everything was great and not suspecting a damn thing, like a fool. Raising our kids thinking we are good and happy. Of course not all peaches cream all the time. We had bumps as any couple would but we always worked them out. He never gave me any feeling of him having an affair or anything close to it. Always home with us. No unaccounted time away. Their PA was so quick. She literally would meet him right off the high way on his way to work. A quickie and then off to work he went. I really don't want to waste more time being with a man I'm so uncertain about but I also don't want to regret down the line not staying and trying. Either way, right now I'm stuck here with this whole lockdown of the world anyway. Just sucks even more that this all came out at this time.

I think your husband and this woman are truly POS.

I lost all respect for my XWW. That is why I divorced her. I wonder if you can ever respect this guy.

I have definitely found that whatever state of mind you were in just before the lock down began, the lock down will only amplify it.

Healing will be nearly impossible because you are confined with the person that violated you, aka, you can't kick him out. Getting head space will be that much harder.

In whatever way you can, practice the 180. Set up and claim a safe space in your home (bedroom, office, garage) and shutter there when things get too much. In fact, make him sleep on the couch for a while. Seeing him 24/7 may make things unbearable. Stop being his wife. You don't owe him anything.

Hurtmyheart,

I'm so sorry you're going through pain and heartache again. Life just isn't fair. Do you live alone? And have people to talk to? Especially during this whole isolation thing we all have to do. It can really make us go nuts. I have one close friend that has helped me through this mess. But I feel bad always yaking her ear off with my problems. I'm really glad I found this site.

During our couples therapy, the therapist did have him admit that he felt entitled to it all. Not sure of it was totally due to me not giving him the time or day at that moment but my ex friend definitely caught us at our weakest and low time of our relationship. She knew exactly what I was going through. It was after our 2nd child that I was having Postpartum depression extremely bad. I was in a very dark place. I always struggled with depression. Even as a child, all the way through my teen years and into adulthood. I was on a bunch of random medications, experimenting what would work and what wasn't. Also I was trying to navigate life with a new baby and a 4 year old. My father had a stroke while I was pregnant and had been released from rehab right before I had my daughter and I had to take care of him as well. He was parazilzed on his left side from the storke. So I honesly could have cared less about his sexual needs. I do take blame in that. But doesn't give him a reason to go screw my friend during a time I needed him the most. He has always had issues with expressing himself so if I'm not paying attention (which I sure as hell wasn't at that time) then I don't know if something is wrong with him. That is something he has been working on himself with in his own therapy. And over the last few months he has been much better with communicating which I guess is good.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. So I know what you mean when you said the "monster". My parents both having infidelity problems and just a whole lot of fighting and drugs in our family. Which has made me stay away from alcohol and drugs. I even struggle with medications the doctors want to prescribe me due to all the things I've seen growing up. I try to handle things on my own and then they end up building up to where I've lost control.

Have you shared this site with him?

Hellfire - I saw what you saw. Wondering the same thing.

Squid Stinger,

POS definitely describes them lol. The state of mind I had before the lockdown was fuck him and all this. Honestly what makes me want to try to work it out is our kids. I do love him. I can't deny or stop that overnight. I would like to be able to split peacefully. But I also don't want to hurt my kids. They have no idea what he did. They would be devastated. I couldn't tell them. So, if I decide to split i look like the asshole parent that split their family up. They adore him. He's a great dad to them. I couldn't stay in the house. I don't want to be here with all our memories in here. I'd also not want to take the kids out of their home either. So, if I left I'd still have to be around for everything. I can't just leave them. It's so hard with the kids and all the uncertainty. I thought about leaving and staying with a friend. Going to the house before they get up for school, get them ready and fed and off to school. Then get them after school, make dinner, Feed them. Then when he arrived home from work, leave and go back to my friends and then do it all over again Mon-Fri. Then do their weekend activities with their sports and stuff. That was a thought before the lockdown and school closings.

[This message edited by PerfectStorm222 at 4:15 PM, April 17th (Friday)]

Hellfire and Emergent8,

I told him I found this site. And showed him the section for the WS. Told him if he wanted to go on there it's fine but stay out of this forum and I'll stay out of that one. That way we can have our privacy and feel open to talk to people going through similar situations. He agreed he wont look in this forum and I won't go in the WS. I'm guessing he has posted...

Kids complicate things. I have 5. I told them. Did not bad mouth or editorialize and did it age appropriately.

2 schools of thought on telling. I felt I had to for a few reasons.

To avoid bewilderment.

To not have them hate me.

To protect them from the OM who she moved in with.

Your husband should tell the himself, unless he is a spineless coward( which he may well be in light of his actions).

Stinger,

If I told him I wanted him to tell them then I think he would. He is pretty coward when it comes to expressing himself, confronting things or any type of conflict he avoids but I think due to the circumstances (that he created) if I felt it was time to tell the kids, then I believe he would... I Hope. I think if it was a woman they didn't know I would be more comfortable with telling them. But my Ex Friend was like family. They spent weekends staying at her house with her kids and the same with them coming here. We were all always together. It would really crush them, especially our daughter. She's the one having the hardest time now not having them in our lives. I think when they get older I'll feel more comfortable telling them. I'm sure they are wondering what is going on. I didn't give them a reason as to why they are no longer in our lives. I just told them that I made the decision and it's what's best for the family right now.

In your situation I can totally see why you told them. It was pretty much going to be in their face. If he was going to live with her then we'd definitely have to have that discussion with them. The whole thing just sucks and is so damn hard to deal with.

PerfectStorm, my daughter still lives with me and is very supportive. I also have a son who has been helpful. I have family members who check in on me on a regular basis, a couple other people I talk to and I see a therapist weekly. I have my dogs and a horse. And once everything opens back up again will find a grieving support group and more things to do; go back to the gym, or maybe yoga, dog park, etc. Anything to make my day a little brighter.

Although my WH death is so painful to deal with, I still feel there is hope. And if I can't find it for me then I will have to find it for the others in my life. Everyone wants me to stay here. Just as in your case, I am hoping time will help you to feel better.

We both are experiencing death, you know. In my case, the death of my WH and in your situation, the death of a friendship and the death of a marriage you thought was good.

I'm so sorry to hear about your upbringing, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Maybe consider Alanon? I'm glad at least you came here and am seeking advice from others who have walked a similar path and have found a way forward.

I suggest you not make any decisions right away about your situation and just allow your emotions to settle for awhile. This advice goes for me too.

I hope you find the answers that you are looking for.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 9:58 PM, April 17th (Friday)]

We typically don't recommend a BS share this site with their WS this close to dday. For a variety of reasons.

You know you can't trust him, so you have to know he will be reading your posts.

It takes a while for a WS to reach real remorse. Unfortunately, he will now know what he should be doing, so he will seem remorseful. Now you have no way of knowing if he is genuine.

We understand why you showed him this site. We really do. Had you asked first, the overwhelming response would have been not to share. Now that he knows, you will need to be extra careful in believing his actions. Hopefully he doesn't take advantage of your vulnerable state, and doesn't misuse what should have been your safe place.

The former waywards are pretty good at smelling bullshit. They will call him on his crap. Hopefully he listens.

He is not a great dad. Nope. No way. Many BS say this after dday. And it's just not true

A good dad doesn't devastate the mother of his children.

A good dad doesn't risk his children's security, happiness, and family, for a side piece.

A good dad doesn't expose his spouse to deadly stds.

A good dad certainly doesn't bring his side piece around his kids.

A good dad doesn't get a blow job in the kitchen, by his girlfriend, while mommy and kids are outside.

A good dad doesn't steal time from his kids to email, text, meet, etc, his side piece.

He has betrayed those kids every bit as much as he has betrayed you.

A good dad protects his wife and kids.

A good dad doesn't betray his entire family for nearly a decade

A good dad is a good example.

He may love them. He may have the potential to be a good dad. But he has not been a good father. Not even close.

Based on everything I have read I suggest EMDR for anyone who has chaos and traumas in their childhoods. You think you are operating from adult emotions and feelings but you are not. Chaos does not allow a child to mature emotionally. Every time you are faced with ANYTHING stressful or sad you revert right back to reacting like a child. This type of therapy can only be done by an expert because it brings all the old bad memories up. It works because it takes the sting out of them. It’s also is a quick way to get to the heart of things so that your therapy can then give you tools to strengthen your positive reactions.

You need to put yourself first.

You cannot stay in a marriage for the kids. You will be unhappy. The kids will see you are unhappy. You will regret your decision to stay with him at some point.

You should only decide to reconcile if you can one day forgive him AND be happy. Period. For no other reasons IMO.

You didn’t ruin your marriage. He did with his poor choices.

You just have to make the hard decisions going forward. And give yourself permission to make whatever choice YOU deem best.

Everything else falls into place thereafter.

Hellfire,

You made some really good points and now I feel stupid (again) for even telling him about the site. I didn't even think about all that. I saw the WS and thought he could benefit from it. I don't even know what his name is on here. Don't really care to even look but I'm sure I can figure it out quickly. We promised to not go looking for eachothers names and posts but his word doesn't really mean much these days. I don't think he'd go looking to read my stuff. I hope not anyway. I was really grateful for finding this site and now I'm thinking twice about it since he now knows and is obviously active on here. I've had a few messages to me about his post from people worrying since he posted. So, I can't even imagine what he is saying. I honestly don't even want to know. More shit for me to process I'm sure. He does therapy 3X a week but I figured talking to people that have been through it would help him. Help him for his own reasons and then also help him understand what I'm going through. Big mistake on my part...

As for the great dad comment, it was more so how my kids see him. He's everything to them. Especially my daughter. But I completely understand what you mean by that. Thank you

Hurtmyheart,

That's really good that you have the support and things to keep you busy during this time. I'm still working on that part. There definitely has to be brighter days coming.

I tried the Alnon when I was younger but I'm not sure what happened with it. When this stuff clears up that is a good idea of looking into again.

I can't even make any decisions right now because of the world we are living in currently. So for the time being I'm stuck here anyway. To just think of everything....