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Looking for advice or stories on how to rebuild trust in your WH during reconciliation. What helped betrayed spouses start to trust what their husbands are saying when there has been so many lies and secret's.

UB, a week ago your WH was still bouncing back and forth between you and the OW, some times begging you not to move on and sometimes asking for D. What changed?

The responsibility IS NOT on you to trust him. It is entirely on your WH to build trust by giving you access to his phone, devices, accounts, and whatever else he has used to talk to OW. He needs to write a NC message to OW and send it in front of you. He needs to STOP lying of any kind for any reason. He needs to be kind and patient when you're triggered, open and honest when you ask questions, and fully commit himself to R. And even if he does all of the above, it takes months, even years, for your trust to build. Every time he breaks NC, lies, or acts secretive, your trust breaks all over again.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 5:50 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

Sorry to say that I believe genuine trust is gone forever.

What is trust & faith in a marriage? They're facts. When two people marry trust & faith appear as if by magic. Those facts are that in my heart (faith) and in my mind (trust), I know you will never betray me. You will talk to me, or work it out with me. But never betray me/us.

Now, you have a new set of never changing facts. They are that you have been betrayed and can even more easily be betrayed again. Also, these new facts include the probability you're still being lied to.

Now, some people build a faux trust. Things like, 'I will always call you if gone for so long or traveling', or ' you can see my texts and emails whenever you want to'.... But each and every one of these has an easy work around. betrayers know this. It works to their advantage for you to think they're being trustworthy.

So what do you do? Or, what does your WH do?

Were I to advise him, I would say to never ask if you are trusted again. You aren't and never will be. What you can do is to be trustworthy. Each and every day, be the person you need to be so you can look at yourself in the mirror at night and see someone trustworthy. I really believe if a person can do that, it translates to their spouse in little ways so as to diffuse things. And that should be the best a betrayer can hope for.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 5:55 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

I simply told him that it was up to him to figure out how to rebuild trust. After all, he figured out how to cheat.

I simply told him that it was up to him to figure out how to rebuild trust.

I did not help my H either. He had to prove to me he wanted this marriage.

Stop babysitting the cheater. Right now the cheater either puts on his big boy pants and gets his act together OR you will repeat this cycle of hand holding and telling him what to do.

Honestly, he can’t be that stupid that he can’t figure it out. Has he heard of Google or YouTube? Tons of info on infidelity he can access.

Seriously shaking my head.

@utterlybaffled

This is such a long road to recovery. It takes time and baby steps. Full access to phones, social media accounts, etc. Also, just showing love and remorse everyday builds trust and commitment. In the end no one should ever be trusted 100%, not even someone who has been faithful their whole life. We are all broken people living in a broken world and none of us are capable of being perfect. Blessings to you.

I simply told him that it was up to him to figure out how to rebuild trust. After all, he figured out how to cheat.

^^^Northeastern Nailed It ^^^^

That said what does it look like?

Clear consistent actions.

No lying, no cheating, no hiding, no anger over your pain.

Self work, realization of what is broken w/in and working hard to fix it.

As you heal yourself you will see that trust isn't needed to move forward. Heal yourself heal your heart, learn that the only person you ever need to truly have blind trust in is yourself.

Being cautious and not trusting is the sane and reasonable thing here.

If he is pushing you to trust. Tell him it is off the table for discussion for now. Trust is not even a reasonable or sane thing to discuss at this point. Make him do some real work.

I am not too sure how to rebuild trust other than I know what creates distrust of my wife. It is when she lies by omission. It is when she tells me a reason not to do something and a year later the reason has changed...

Our MC says this.....It's WS job to be trustworthy. That plus time may lead to trust. But, that trust will be different than before.

It also helped for us to list other ways that we trusted each other, outside of the infidelity. We trust each other to care for our son. We trust each other in most of our finances. I think you can build from there a little bit, by recognizing areas where you have some trust - however minima it may feel. . But, bottomline, WS has to be all-in in being trustworthy.

I did not help my H either. He had to prove to me he wanted this marriage.

Stop babysitting the cheater. Right now the cheater either puts on his big boy pants and gets his act together OR you will repeat this cycle of hand holding and telling him what to do.

Yes. At the beginning, I had him install “find my friends” and had me check in the rare times he went some place without me. But then i got tired of always checking to see where he was and he hated it as well.

Now I realize even with all that, he can still cheat if he wanted to. I have to trust him that he knows if he does again, I’m done. He wants this marriage to work now and shows me in many little ways. For example, one way that is important to me is that he isn’t hiding his phone anymore. That thing went *everywhere* with him during the affair. Now I know his passcode and he isn’t afraid to leave his phone with me or our daughters. He’d never do that during the affair in case she texted him.

I would love to be able to do this...

My STBX WH thinks that I need to provide evidence that he has or still cheating before he admits to anything. This buys him time to come up with an excuse.

I am still being told that I am interrogating him if I ask a simple question that requires a YES OR NO answer or response.

So, why have a second phone and keep changing your number? This worst was when he gave our sons his private number and had them deny that he had it.

There are too many messaging APPS to keep track of now.

I trust my instincts and this serves me well...

T/J - LadyG, if he's your STBX, why are you asking him questions? Wouldn't the 180 - talk only about kids and finances - be better for you?

That blind faith trust is forever gone.

Any new trust that may come will have to be earned.

I simply told him that it was up to him to figure out how to rebuild trust. After all, he figured out how to cheat.

northeasternarea nailed it right there.