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We've been together for 12 years and married for 3. I just found out that my husband is having an affair with a younger co worker of his just months after our first baby was born. He said it was because it was getting too much for him then said it was because I wasn't listening to him and said I was too busy. He keeps changing his story. I suffered from post partum anxiety and he knew that and had always told me that “he is there for me.” I didn't realize it was too much for him as he never communicated that with me. When I found out about the affair, he said he needed time, but during this time, he kept talking to the AP. We went to couples counseling after I begged him because I wanted to try to work it out, but he was talking to the AP the whole time. Now he has gotten his own apartment and has continued to talk to her and wants to pursue a relationship with her. We are separated and awaiting on divorce. This took me completely by surprise! One day he is saying I love you and I'm all he needs (The day before DDAY was the last time he said this), and the next day when I find out about everything, he is mean to me and refuses to work it out with me. He doesn’t want to talk and needs “space”. He completely changed into a new person in front of my eyes with no warning. I feel like it's so unfair because he never even let me know that there was a problem, and now that I want to fix it, he won't let me. I'm depressed, trying to take care of a baby on my own except for the few days that he has him, and I can't believe he became a total stranger. He might be in complete limerence with this younger AP because he can't seem to see how terrible she is for him. Nobody knows who he is anymore and he is doing whatever he has to to pursue her. I've seen couples heal from infidelity, but how come I'm not worth a shot? I am literally so broken inside, I don't know how to move past the pain. Will it ever go away? I can't stop thinking that he is getting to live out his limerent fantasy with his 14 years younger AP, while I'm here left to pick up the pieces of the broken home he left. I'm trying to focus on myself and go to therapy, but it's not enough. The Pain is too real and I need a lot of help. Is he a hopeless cause? Will he finally wake up from the limerence one day and realize all that he has lost? or will he just go on and think this was all justified? I tried begging, but it just gets him more upset. How do I move on from something like this? It seems like I can never get past this. I wasn't ready to have my last day of happiness before I found out?! We had the PERFECT relationship that everybody wanted. We had everything, perfect relationship, house, jobs, child. How could he just leave it all because we had a rough first year with a new baby? Is there any hope? or is he really just going to leave everything for his much younger limerent AP? Please help me, please help me with how I can move on from this incredible pain.

[This message edited by ResilientSoul at 9:07 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's a kick in the teeth and everywhere else that hurts.

First, please take care of yourself. Worry about yourself and what YOU Need. Drink water. Get sleep when you can. There are some links to some helpful things in that yellow field up to the top left of this screen.

Please try to understand, - at least on the surface- that this isn't about you. He's a broken person with some coping skills that are really hurtful. I don't know anything about him besides what you have written, and I try not to talk trash about someone's Wayward. I'm really sorry he has gone down this road. I can't tell you that he'll figure out his shit or if he'll stay gone. It depends a lot on who he is. And you can't control it. You can only control yourself. So do things for yourself and your baby. Do things that you need to take care of yourself. And your baby. Eat. Sleep. Drink. Go on walks. Visit with a friend. Get what you need.

And if you can, don't worry about him. He's going to make his choices and get the consequences of those choices. And the question isn't whether YOU'RE worth it. The question is whether or not HE'S worth it. And yes. You will get past this. It's going to hurt like a SOB for a while. We call it a roller coaster. There are ups and downs and a lot out of your control. It sucks and it isn't fair. And you just have to ride it the best you can. But you are not alone. We are here with you. We've all been through it. We all have survived. It isn't easy and I'm not going to tell you it is. It's probably the hardest thing I ever went through. But no matter what happens, we're with you and we support you. You can share your story as much as you want. And you can read other's stories.

I'll say again. I'm so sorry you're here. But we are with you. You're not alone.

Hey ResilientSoul,

I'm so sorry you are here. This is a very supportive and informative place and the folks here will provide you all kinds of great advice as to how to help yourself during this awful time.

I don't have too much advice of my own to provide as I'm in the middle of this kind of shitshow myself, but I will say that as an immediate action, make sure you are looking after yourself. You and your baby are now your ONLY priority. Drink water. Eat, even if only small meals. Back in the initial days after my own DDay, I barely ate anything - lost about 20lbs in 3 weeks. Someone on this board recommended drinking protein shakes, as I couldn't stomach anything solid, so that I was at least getting something in me. It really helped. Have you got close friends / family who you can talk to, who can be there for you when the feelings become overwhelming?

More seasoned folks will be along to give you some really good, sage advice.

(((ResilientSoul)))

(((HUGS)))

You have been heard. Hang in there...things WILL get better...I promise! I was in your shoes...and I will write out my story...but i wanted to let you know you have come to the right place and HELP is on the way .

ResilientSoul

We've been together for 12 years and married for 3. I just found out that my husband is having an affair with a younger co worker of his just months after our first baby was born.

First, I'm sorry you are going through this. You've come to the right board - there are a lot of people here with a lot of experience who can help you through this monumentally painful period.

Second, what an asshole he is.

He said it was because it was getting too much for him then said it was because I wasn't listening to him and said I was too busy. He keeps changing his story.

He's changing his story because he's lying. He's trying to come up with the best reasoning for why he's doing a morally shitty thing. My guess is that he will continue to blame you and change his story.

I suffered from post partum anxiety and he knew that and always told me he is there for me. I didn't realize it was too much for him as he never communicated it with him.

His affair is not a result of your actions. He's just blaming you for his shitty actions. It's like a dude blaming his wife's meatloaf for his robbing a bank. If you had talked to him about your post partum anxiety OR you didn't have PPA, he would be telling you something else.

When I found out about the affair, he said he needed time, but during this time, he kept talking to the AP. We went to couples counseling after I begged him because I wanted to try to work it out, but he was talking to the AP the whole time. Now he has gotten his own apartment and has continued to talk to her and wants to pursue a relationship with her.

Sounds like my STBXW who said that if I made her stop talking to her AP she would resent me. I'm divorcing her. You don't have to take that kind of abuse.

We are separated and awaiting on divorce. This took me completely by surprise! One day he is saying I love you and I'm all he needs, the next day, he is mean to me and refuses to work it out with him. I feel like it's so unfair because he never even let me know that there was a problem, and now that I want to fix it, he won't let me.

It is unfair and he's showing you who he truly is.

I'm depressed, trying to take care of a baby on my own except for the few days that he has him, and I can't believe he became a total stranger.

You need to talk to a lawyer. That should be priority number one.

He might be in complete limerence with this younger AP because he can't seem to see how terrible she is for him. Nobody knows who he is anymore and he is doing whatever he has to to pursue her. I've seen couples heal from infidelity, but how come I'm not worth a shot?

I know it hurts and it's a complete blow to your self esteem, your trust, and the pain is unreal. I went through almost the exact same thing. If he's the type of person who is going to abandon you when times are tough then you need to ditch him. He's not a good person.

I am literally so broken inside, I don't know how to move past the pain. Will it ever go away?

Yes. It will lessen. What has helped is to talk to family, friends, and online people. I talked and talked and I still talk when I get low. It helps. That and time. Also, you might want to pick up some reading materials.

I can't stop thinking that he is getting to live out his limerent fantasy with his 14 years younger AP, while I'm here left to pick up the pieces of the broken home he left. I'm trying to focus on myself and go to therapy, but it's not enough. The Pain is too real and I need a lot of help. Is he a hopeless cause?

By the time he comes out of limerence you will have processed all of this. You need to do the 180 and talk to a lawyer. Start healing and stop concentrating on him.

Will he finally wake up from the limerence one day and realize all that he has lost? or will he just go on and think this was all justified?

If he has any integrity or principles he will look back at all he has lost, yes. That said, I wouldn't count on it. What he's done shows that he has very little regard for people.

I tried begging, but it just gets him more upset. How do I move on from something like this? It seems like I can never get past this. I wasn't ready to have my last day of happiness before I found out?! We had the PERFECT relationship that everybody wanted. We had everything, perfect relationship, house, jobs, child. How could he just leave it all because we had a rough first year with a new baby? Is there any hope? or is he really just going to leave everything for his much younger limerent AP? Please help me, please help me with how I can move on from this incredible pain.

You have to process this. This type of pain takes time to get through. You will get through it though. Your last day of happiness is ahead of you, not behind you.

Also, you will never understand how he could do this, bc his behavior is insane, and you are a caring, kind, REAL person. He might have faked who he was to you all these years, that’s what happened in my case.

Well crap ResilientSoul. I'm really really sorry you found yourself in this place. It's horribly unfair and on the heels of having a baby? That is a lot to have to manage.

he never even let me know that there was a problem, and now that I want to fix it, he won't let me.

As others in your post have said and (you'll find all around SI) is that no marital issue - spoken or unspoken - is ever a reason to have an affair. Since that's the case, you couldn't have magically fixed anything that would have made him do or not do this. You also can't magically fix anything now to make him stop seeing his AP. I know it really stinks to take that in because it leaves you feeling even more helpless to do something to clean up this mess *he* made. But it is his to own - as stinky as it is.

So maybe we can let him sit in it for now and do whatever crappy thing he's doing and focus on taking care of you right now. Whether he is a hopeless cause unfortunately depends on whether he ends his affair.

So a few questions for you:

1. How is this working with him having the baby for a few days? Is there a schedule? Do you have a written agreement on how this is going to work? Do you trust that your child is being well-cared for when with your husband?

2. Who do you have besides him who can help? Do you have family or trusted friends who can give you support and breaks even just for a few hours?

3. So glad you're going to therapy - but can you find ways to take other time for self-care that doesn't focus on this crap? Take advantage of #2 and go for walks, do a hobby, make a spa bath - something like that.

4. Does his family know about the affair? Does yours?

5.

The Pain is too real and I need a lot of help.

We hear you. This stuff is just awful. We have posters here who have had life kick them around in all kinds of ways and they describe the pain of being a BS as just about the worst. (I'm in that group too). So with that being said - can you explain what kind of help you're needing? Lots of us have gone to our regular doctors for a little bit of prescriptive help to support us through the worst days. I don't know how that might impact your situation with a new baby, but it's something to consider. Posting here was also really helpful for me - especially during those lonely moments at night when I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Posting vents is always encouraged.

Keep reaching out - there are a ton of voices here and some will really resonate with you.

He left after you had a baby. His reasons were that everything is your fault.

Be thankful you found out he was not cut out for parenthood and incapable of being a team player with you. Because this was bound to happen given his behavior and Choice to cheat.

Gee the stress of a new baby is too much for him. Poor wittle pumpkin.

He’s a jerk - no “man” up and leaves his wife and newborn like that.

You have been given a lot of great advice . I was in your shoes over 30 years ago and I can PROMISE you that things will get better!

My H left me for the 2nd adultery co-conspirator I caught him with when our child was less than a year old. Their LURVE affair lasted about 2 weeks . Although we never lived together again...my H would want to be with us UNTIL he found a new shiny. I was left with ALL of the bills and NO monetary support at all. It was a devastating time for me and I didn't have a place like this to try and find help. Slowly but surely I was able to get a hold on things...and you will too .

I then met an amazing man who stepped up and became a Dad to our child and a wonderful husband to me . After 28 years of M though...HE cheated on me too . This time though...as soon as he confessed...I told him the M was OVER. There was NO emotion...I had lived through infidelity before and it made me stronger...and I was NOT going to go through it again! However...THIS time...my H was completely different than how my XWH was. I am very HAPPILY in R now .

It looks like things are never going to get better...but please KNOW that better days are coming !! Take care of yourself...and that precious baby of yours. That is ALL your have to do . Your H may come back...or he may not. My XWH didn't decide that I was THE ONE until after I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H . By then it was too little too late...I had moved on. GOOD riddance to BAD rubbish!!!

The MAIN thing I learned from my 1st M is that the "Pick Me Dance" NEVER works. NEVER. My XWH kind of got a weird kick out of having me pining for him. It just made me disgusted with myself when I finally got strong enough to STOP it. But I have the experience to be able to help others avoid this!!! I have NEVER regretted divorcing my 1st H...and I have NEVER regretted reconciling with my 2nd H .

As much as it sucks right now, focus on yourself and your precious baby. As is often said on SI, he has shown you who he really is. Believe him.

For what it's worth, when I kicked Xhole out he immediately shacked up with his last OW and their almost year old OC. OW was close to 20 years younger. They proceeded to ride off into the sunset to live in another state. Their new little happy family.

Unicorn and flower land lasted about six months. Xhole went to work one day and when he got home OW had cleaned out the house and took off with the OC to yet another state (where her parents live). Guess once they actually lived together the magical glitter of twu lurve started to go away, and she didn't like the real Xhole. She has been chasing him down for child support ever since.

The point of my story being that yes, it does suck, but don't think everything is necessarily sunshine and roses behind the scenes. It's amazing how quickly the allure of the A wanes once they no longer have to sneak around. But sometimes you have to be patient.

It hurts like hell now, but it DOES get better in time. YOU are the prize here, not him, and you deserve so much better! Keep reminding yourself that as you snuggle with your precious wee one.

You're husband is a dick. Never beg someone to love you or not to leave you. Right now, you're so traumatized you cannot see what a waste of oxygen he is. He did you a HUGE favor. He showed you who he really is.

For now, take care of you and that baby. It's going to take a lot of time, but one day you will be so grateful that you disnt waste 2 or 3 more decades on his worthless ass.

In the meantime, try to eat properly and sleep when you can. There is zero shame if you need a doctor for prescription medication to help with this. That beautiful child needs you. And it's going to be hard for a while, but do your beat to be there for your child and yourself. Do not let him take the joy of new motherhood completely away. Take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time if that's all you can do.

Post often, it's cathartic.

Everyone here has been through the crushing pain of betrayal, we get it.

How could he just leave it all because we had a rough first year with a new baby?

Sweetie, you have to reframe the narrative. Your WH was NOT the other half of a perfect couple. He's an inferior specimen. This is a guy who is blaming his own child for creating so much stress that he had to cheat and abandon his family dynamic.

Do you think that he was going to be able to handle REAL LIFE when he couldn't even handle a newborn?

What he showed you is that he's not fit to be your lifelong partner, that he was never going to be there for you during the tough times, and believe me, I'm at an age where I can assure you.. there will be tough times. This is Mr. Wrong showing you that he's incapable and irresolute.

I know it hurts and I know it sucks, but it's so much better when you find out early in life that you're with the wrong person. You still have time to make a wonderful life with someone who is much more deserving of you.

((big hugs))

ETA: Make sure you get what you need out of the divorce settlement and that he's paying enough for child support. A good attorney can help you design a settlement which will pay for your child through college. And there's a lot to think about; childcare, medical expenses, activities, orthodontics, insurance beneficiaries, etc. You are not always going to feel this raw and sympathetic to your WS. And your child will still have expenses and needs long past the point at which your tolerance runs out. Get a good enough deal to see your child all the way through.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:27 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]

Wow, thank you so much for helping me through this. I am so thankful to have everyone's support here. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends, but even when speaking with them, I don't feel like they know the magnitude of pain I am truly in. It really helps to hear from people on SI because they have personally been through it. I know a lot of people say that it will get better, but WOW does it feel sooooo painful and soooo hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

To answer the questions above:

1. How is this working with him having the baby for a few days? Is there a schedule? Do you have a written agreement on how this is going to work? Do you trust that your child is being well-cared for when with your husband?

Yes, we have a schedule, written via text. Currently it seems that he is taking good care of him because he watches him at his parents house. However, I'm a little more concerned now that he has his own apartment and I've never been there to see it?

2. Who do you have besides him who can help? Do you have family or trusted friends who can give you support and breaks even just for a few hours?

Yes, my family and friends are VERY good with helping me out.

3. So glad you're going to therapy - but can you find ways to take other time for self-care that doesn't focus on this crap? Take advantage of #2 and go for walks, do a hobby, make a spa bath - something like that.

It's really hard for me to make time for that, even when I have free time, I just sit and cry and feel so depressed. I have gone to a doctor for some prescription medication to help. However, it's really hard for me to have some ME time without thinking about it. Even when I'm with friends, I can't stop talking about the situation. It is debilitating and overtakes everything.

4. Does his family know about the affair? Does yours? Yes, my family and direct friends know about the whole situation. His family and all my friends support me and know that he is wrong.

how come I'm not worth a shot?

YOU are. He is not. Consider - you are talking about a man who started an A while his wife was pregnant and left shortly after his first child was born. Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Your situation is very hard, but your WH showed you who he is now, rather than in 10 years. Or spending years hiding it.

I don't know how to move past the pain. Will it ever go away?

Yes, it does. Time will help. Also, you should not have any contact with your WH unless it has to do with the D or your child. You need to disengage. This is the BEST way to help yourself heal. It will allow you to see that the world is not ending and you can make it.

Sweetie, you have to reframe the narrative. Your WH was NOT the other half of a perfect couple. He's an inferior specimen.

^^^This

(((ResilientSoul))) your WS has shitty coping skills and probably is a soul sucking vampire in need of validation. My M started to unravel after having my first child. That's when my WS started going out with friends staying out late while I was caring for a really colicky baby. I believe my WS felt the same as yours just didn't voice it. He said other rotten things like "You can drop the baby off at a hospital and leave it." like who the fuck says shit like that. These kinds of WS's are sick. Don't even try to understand him. He is a FLAWED human being who doesn't seem to be capable of any empathy.

He may wake up, but the question is do you really want to stay with a man who treated you this way?

He inflicted a trauma on you of the worst kind. Many say this is worse than a relative dying. It also takes approximately 2-5 years to heal from whether you R or D. So please give yourself the gift of healing at your own pace and talk about it as much as you need to, whoever is willing to listen. Journaling also helps and keeping busy. A book I would like to recommend that really helped me is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." If you can squeeze in a therapist find one that specializes in infidelity trauma.

I'm so sorry you are here going through this. We all know the pain and have walked through fire. I am still going through this 8 years later but am a lot stronger and more aware of the abuses my STBX has inflicted. It does get better even though none of us deserved any of this.

I am reading all of this and definitely understand now that he is showing me his true self. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to see it. I am so stuck on the memory of him and I am literally still in shock that someone could change so drastically after so many years together. I've also read that it took some of you years to get over this. How did you get through the days in those years? The anniversaries, the holidays? I feel like I"m so depressed and can't imagine going through this for longer. It's so hard and so painful and I am trying my best to get through each day. How long do these things take to get over? When you "move on" from this, can you speak to the WS civilly? Are you able to ever be OKAY from this especially if they are with the AP? I just can't see myself getting past this especially because he left his family for this person and I don't think he deserves me being his friend or even having me be there civilly for him.

It takes time to truly process who they really were all along with who we made them out to be. Don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself that time so necessary to process. You're going to go through so many stages, and your going to recycle through them too. And that's normal. You're going to have more bad days than good in the beginning. That's also normal. I remember wondering how in the hell could my heart still be beating when I was literally in so much emotional AND physical pain. I promise, it gets better.

How do you get through it? One day at a time. Give yourself permission to be miserable and heartbroken. But also give yourself permission to be happy when joy comes into your life. Embrace the good moments when you can.

Practical stuff: go complete NC. Only finances and childcare arrangements. Let your attorney do all other communication. Get a great family law attorney who knows how to deal with personality disordered. Start journaling. Pick up new hobbies and engage with friends and loved ones. This one you won't be able to do at first with an infant and while so new to the trauma, but incorporate it where you can. Give yourself permission to be sad and crying. Forgive yourself in the future when you start to have those "aha" moments; those moments of clarity when you remember something he said or did that was so clearly an asinine action. You're going to be sitting there wondering, "How in the ever loving F did I not SEE that and him for the asswhole he truly was?" Because you WILL have those moments once your brain starts processing what a selfish entitled dickhead he really was all along. On special dates, make plans for activities that will take your mind off of the date. I was utterly broken on the first anniversary after he left. By the second anniversary and ever since, I've completely forgotten what the date was until after the fact.

Get physical. Pack up baby and go for jogs or walks. Go to the park.

Try new foods. Plan a trip. Obviously not much you can do until we have a vaccine for COVID-19, but I'm sure there are great hiking places. And, you can start getting ideas for when you can travel again. What country have you always wanted to visit. Start a dream book of places youd like to see.

Others will come along with even more great strategies. But,just remember, there are no shortcuts if you want to heal properly. You're just going to have to gut through those awful days and months where all you want to do is curl up and die. There's no getting out of it. I wish there were.

One day, he will be just someone you used to know. I cannot stress enough NC NC NC NC.

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling with having a new baby. To go from "happy expanding family" to "scumbag cheating husband leaves for younger woman" in a day... whoa.

There are certain men who just can't handle the responsibility of fatherhood, or the prospect of no longer being the sole focus of their wife's attention. Your husband sounds like that kind of guy. If he's the type of man who could cheat on you while you're pregnant and leave you shortly after childbirth, he is not and never will be a good person. Period. Point blank. Do not attempt reconciliation, do not do the pick me dance. Go no contact as much as humanly possible (I know there are visitation issues). You do not have to be "civil." Go gray rock, make sure everyone in his circle knows what he did, cut him out of your life completely. If he wants to be in your child's life, that's up to him. You have zero obligation to include him in anything.

I know the memories of what you thought you had are like knives in your brain and heart, but that was an illusion, a lie perpetrated by an infantile man-boy.

I hope you have a shark lawyer. Glad to hear you have a good support network around you. I am so, so sorry.

If god-forbid, he ever comes to his senses and comes crawling back, tell him to fuck right off. He's shown you he can't handle even the good kind of life changes - what about something traumatic like sickness or an accident? Don't ever trust him again.

ResilientSoul: Some of the things you said about your happy life, marriage, jobs, house.... are familiar with me. In fact, her dad use to brag to his friends about how great his daughter and son in law were, how we just built the perfect life together. But guess what, when his daughter was caught cheating, he sided with her. None of that matters.

Its still early days for you. Things will improve, but right now, you're at a pain level of 10, that slowly goes down. It takes a long time, and every moment of every day is consumed with the affair thoughts at the beginning. I'm sorry you're going thru this, but there is no way around it. You will have to walk thru this fire to get to the other end. The people here were a tremendous help to me, and I can assure you that they will all be a tremendous resource for you as well.

At first, you'll question everyone and what they all say. Going no contact and cutting your exH off if you want to save the marriage. Its all true, but you also need to know that sometimes there is nothing left to save, or worth saving. He may never wake up. The only path for you, and for all BS is to continue to move forward and out of infidelity. That is the only way to heal. Don't be like others, who don't take the advice, they hold onto hope, rugsweep and then find themselves back on here again 5 yrs later when their spouse cheats again. Do it right the first time.

I ended up divorcing my wife. She cheated on me with her POS boss, and his wife was 7 months pregnant at the time that they got together. What women, willingly cheats with a man whose wife is pregnant? Ask yourself that question. Your husband is in a similar boat. Who does shit like that? Abandons their baby, and baby momma? The further out you get, you'll see that your marriage wasn't perfect as you claimed. Your husband had secrets, he never cared to share with you. He is not the man you think he is. I"m much happier being away from my ex and her family now, but its taken time. Be kind to yourself, and please please listen to the people on this forum. They will help you navigate this path that your family and friends try as they might, will not be as good helping you thru to the other side.

ResilientSoul - I'm typing your username out again because there's so much wisdom in the name you chose. You ARE resilient - you are doing what needs to be done after having the rug yanked out from underneath you and that is testament right there to your strength.

I bet a lot of people here are reading what you are writing and remembering feeling just like that. Yep - it's pretty awful. Like you can't shut your mind off because it's looking for a way to make something crazy make some sort of sense.

Phoenix bumped something I wrote about 6 months after my Dday - it's about working hard to Detach yourself from someone when you *know* you have to be done with that relationship. It was so difficult for me to start thinking for just myself. And I can only imagine what that must be like with a baby. I encourage you to try and look at what you have to work with - in your case not a whole lot I'm afraid if he's with AP - and do what you need to do for yourself within that framework.