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My wh is the biggest flirt ever. He doesnt even realize just how much he does it and it drives me mad.

In his opinion hes just being "friendly"...

So I need perspective from you amazing SI peeps.

My BIL has a gf. Apparently they are planning to get married. GF texts wh ALL THE TIME... he texts her more than he ever text me...hell more than he even talks to me.

This girl started dating BIL when wh and I were dating. The relationship caused alot of tension in the house. Firstly she began calling my in laws "mom & dad" right away which pissed wh off. His parents weren't HER parents. (I dont even call them mom and dad and I'm their dil) There was and still is tension between my SIL and MIL and gf. I know for a time bil and gf broke up but I dont know how long that lasted.

Being my normal nosey self I check out the messages between wh and gf. The conversation goes back as far as the loss of their dog and goes up to her asking for HIS help picking out dresses...

He says the following stuff.

"You got me here"

"I am here for yea"...

Ok maybe hes trying to be all supportive of them getting married and wants to help.

But....when they are talking about rings he says:

Hes lucky because "DragnHeart is not into jewellery".

Omg. No. OMFG. :

For anyone who doesnt remember about 5 years ago there was a big issue with a necklace. I found a receipt for one he bought hidden in the car. My birthday came. Nothing. Christmas, still nothing. Valentines day...zip. I end up asking about the receipt and he says hes "misplaced" the necklace.. not long afterward he presents me with a necklace. It's still sitting in the kitchen cupboard. pretty sure he bought it for ow2 then went and got me one when I confronted. So no I dont like wearing jewelry. Haven't worn my wedding band in years. Nor other things that actually have meaning to me because of the bad memories. I keep my earrings in cause i dont think i could get them done again if they closed.

The two quotes probably are in the friendly category instead of the flirty but it's still rubbing me the wrong way.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

Ii dont want to cause anymore family feuds Lord knows we've had our fair share but at the same time I dont want this almost daily chatting to continue. Wh has no damn boundaries!

GF texts wh ALL THE TIME... he texts her more than he ever text me...hell more than he even talks to me.

Ummmmm, hell to the fucking NO with this shit. That's just weird and wh is NOT practicing good boundaries AT ALL. I would also seriously consider pulling BIL into this discussion, cus he should not like his brother openly flirting and being inappropriate with his wife to-be.... I know I'm maybe a tad over-sensitive but this is just off.

So weird. I've known my BIL (sister's husband) since I was 12 (I'm 40) and the only time I ever text with him is on our family group chat.

He's inappropriate AF.

This is just weird in my book and would be way out of bounds for either me or my wife.

Red flag.

I would suggest chloroformimg them both and taking a poo on their foreheads.

If you were being considerate, you could leave some rags and a bucket next to them for when they wake.

Of course, if you wanted it to more fun, you could leave only ONE rag and bucket.

Sorry not getting email notifications of replies.

Thank you. I feel better knowing others see this as an issue.

Now BIL is very passive. He goes along with anything suggested. Gf is kinda bossy. Fits nicely with my SIL actually, youd think they would get along lol

I dont think BIL would say anything if it bothered him and just call me paranoid if I brought it up. We loved with wh family during affairs 1 and 2 (possible 3 and 4...) so they all know and actually knew before me. I dont have much if a leg to stand on in that department.

I'm indifferent to gf. She got all high and mighty going for her nursing degree then quit cause ewe blood...

I know if I say anything to wh he will pull the "I'm just being friendly" crap.

Ntv if I allow myself thoughts like that I'll end up.. wearing orange.

There are days I just want to rip him apart. And other days hes a totally different person. Like the man I first met and fell in love with.

Hes a bit more humble since the atv accident. But still looking at pics of woman online and saving videos of them dancing. Yuck. So I've just insisted we watch alot of movies with The Rock and movies with hot guys and I lay there and stare at them lol. He hates that. Feed him what hes feeding me

Yeah, it's hard to get away with kidnapping folks with chloroform and trapping them in a shed to get pooped on these days. <sigh>. Ten years ago it was SOOOOO easy. Now everyone had a gps on their phone, and gets all uppity about it thinking they can escape and don't warrant it.

It's like the folks that can learn to behave in a way that means they shouldn't get poo'ed are the ones that are most opposed to the learning process.

One stipulation for possible R for me was that my WS do IC--really work it, and not cursory like 17 years ago--and part of the IC is a thorough investigation of S's personal vulnerabilities, along with establishing protective measures/boundary maitenance to avoid emotional pitfalls while he figures himself out.

Texting any other female "ALL THE TIME" short of his mother would not be allowed under these conditions. Whether he's "flirting" or not, his limits on certain behaviors are in place because he has shown not to be trustworthy to entertain them otherwise. At some point, this could change, but I'm only focused on now until I feel otherwise. And that's OK.

JMO/YMMV

Oh uts easy to get wh covered in shit. Hand jim one of the ducklings or better yet goslings. My Moose and Goose are really good at having a crap when being held.

Oh I had very strict conditions for R back in the day. I'm an oldie. He seems to think it's been long enough, he should be able to text friends. Caught him texting a former female co worker. The only good thing was that as much as hes fishing she isnt biting. Shes been polite but pretty much shut him down. It was actually amusing for me to see happen lol.

The texts to Gf arent long or in depth like with his ows. He may not be fishing with her. But he does come across as flirty. He sends out that vibe. So he might think it's all innocent and she might be thinking hey now hes interested.

I know wh gets frustrated that what I see as flirty he sees as friendly. I dont know how to make him see this from my point of view.

I know wh gets frustrated that what I see as flirty he sees as friendly. I dont know how to make him see this from my point of view.

Color me crazy, but after being caught cheating, IMHO he really shouldn't be texting other women (with exceptions of HIS sister/mom/grandma/daughter) period. Since he still doesn't have appropriate boundaries and apparently hasn't even tried to develop them this would be an absolute hard no for me.

Caught him texting a former female co worker. The only good thing was that as much as hes fishing she isnt biting.

Also this... UNACCEPTABLE. So she turned him down. What happens when the next one doesn't?

I have to go pick him up from work now (and I'm frustrated with the kids ....) I'll respond later after dinner.

You have a point. This woman turned him down. I know the next might not and the next could be his sil.

We saw advice somewhere that texts with other women (other than blood relatives) should only be group texts.

My bad he and BIL gf messenge through fb messenger. He texts his dad sister and occasionally mom.

Shes going to eventually be "family" that's why I've let it go. But it's just been getting to me lately with all the wedding talk and how hes commented on the dresses shes sent pictures of. He wasnt this involved in our own wedding.

Our WSs have problems observing boundaries.

Your WS doesn’t observe healthy boundaries with the gf.

For us BSs, after DDay, we need to establish and enforce boundaries. It helps us feel safe. Your husband isn’t helping you feel safe.

Granted, I speak from experience because I didn’t think it felt right having to guide WH towards observing my boundaries. Of course he still violates them, because it hasn’t cost him enough yet

I was hoping to discuss things with him tonight but we went for a walk to the front fence to check on the horses. Him in sandals managed to find a small board in the grass with a nail. Nail through sandal into foot. It was a bloody hobble back to the house. Good thing he had a tetanus shot two weeks ago after the atv accident.

I think I'll just have a general discussion about boundaries with him afyer he stops whimpering about his foot. Lol

My question is why do you feel like you have to let it go? IMHO this is an inappropriate relationship and a ws who's still not observing good boundaries should not get a pass on an inappropriate relationship.

My question is why do you feel like you have to let it go? IMHO this is an inappropriate relationship and a ws who's still not observing good boundaries should not get a pass on an inappropriate relationship.

I think hes trying to be nice, perhaps moreso than I'm comfortable with without realizing it because he disliked her as much as his mother in the beginning.

Knowing that his younger brother is going to marry her maybe he just wants to show support when her family doesnt approve of them getting married. Pretty sure my mil doesnt either.

Of course the support should go to his brother.

Hes never hidden the fact gf messages him. And I'm free to look at his phone any time.

Now the former co worker. I made it clear texts to her were not acceptable. She had been on his fb friends list. She had apparently sent him a happy birthday message. Along with everyone else on his fb list. That said why he has her phone number and is texting her a happy birthday back is beyond me. I have easier access to the phone bill than I do his fb.

My problem is that he has had this "friendly " personality from the beginning. I never had a problem with it until his affairs. Now I see it all as flirting. Even though he says hes not flirting. Just being friendly. Of course I'm bias. I'd prefer he never speak to another woman ever again lol.

Is it unreasonable to expect him never to interact with other woman? It has been many years since his last PA. With his friendly/flirty personality it's hard to know what I should keep as boundaries.