SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whats up SI

My story is in my bio if you are interested in the details but basically I am a BS whose WW had an A with her CoW between Feb-April this year. We had been dating for about 8 years but recently got married last October.

I am positive that this comes up alot on here but my 1 year anniversary is coming up and I don't know how to handle it. She is doing all the planning and such as I don't even have the energy to plan meals these days.

I am still is sbock that we didn't even make it 1 year in marriage before this happened. I know that nothing you guys say will make me feel better or worse. I just need to vent. I had to get rid of my social medias because I kept getting "memories" of me planning the wedding and such. Its beginning to hurt more and more seeing that stuff.

I was truly happy to be getting married to her. Though I was stressed out during the process, I was happy af once it was done and over with. Now I am faced with a reality that not only while I was doing all this planning my fiancé was daydreaming of the office hunk but once we were married she gave herself to him like nothing.

I am angry and wanna quit sometimes and other times I feel so lost... I started to ramble there. I dont get to vent to much. I am trying to be a good about the whole thing but man is it triggering af

Venting is good.

Vent as much as needed, it helped me a bunch to get my thoughts down — even if sometimes I felt like I was only screaming into the void.

It’s really early in your recovery, and to me, it still sounds like you’re trying to figure out your path forward.

Infidelity happened just after our fourth anniversary for me, but we had been together six years before getting hitched. Then, the A was kept a secret for a long time. But it still bothered me it happened so ‘early’ in our marriage.

No helpful info here, just sayin’, I hear you.

It’s early enough you need to set the boundary for how this anniversary thing is observed. Whatever you need now, tell her what you want and don’t want. And tell her why it bothers you or why you’re triggered. If all else fails, she should get familiar with the damage she caused.

Most of our anniversaries have been very different, we tend to get in the family jeep and head to the mountains. Quiet reflection and introspective deals instead of fancy dinners and balloons.

You should do what you want. This is not a time to be passive. Frankly I think it’s too early to be celebrating something she trashed so soon after the wedding, but that’s just my opinion

Most definitely I would find out the plans before they happen. You should not be put in a position that will trigger you and end up with you feeling like crap.

Are you ok with skipping it for this year? Happens in many cases. I canceled our 25th which was a huge 3 week trip. I couldn’t imagine putting on a happy face after being betrayed like I was

I think you'll feel angry with yourself if you go through with it and become even more resentful than you are now. I'd put the brakes on it and consider it an opportunity for her to show you how important you are with her actions.

What I'm saying here is if you're not ready for recognizing the anniversary (many aren't even 5 years out or more) then you should speak your mind. Her ability to gracefully abide by your wishes may reveal the degree of her remorsefulness, which can be determined by acts of selflessness.

Jaybee have you followed through on the Poly?

If not why??

As for your upcoming anniversary all I can say is what I would do. There is NO way that I would be celebrating it!!!

I mean what would you be celebrating??? That she cheated and was lying to you a few months into the marriage?

Because why....she was unhappy and had the opportunity?

I wouldn't be getting her anything for the anniversary nor would I want anything from her and there would be no celebration (going out to dinner etc).

I know you're in a bad place. You should be VERY proud of yourself for losing all that weight (80#s is a lot). Keep taking care of yourself and I think it would behoove you to follow through on the poly.

(((Jaybee)))

Sorry you are hurting. But I want to tell you it's ok to hurt, and it's ok to embrace the feelings, and feel them, and heal yourself.

As far as the Anniversary goes, you don't really have one. She cheated in the first year of your M. You don't have anything to celebrate, and if some reason you both make it through this, together and heal, I would suggest making the date your M an non-date. It will fade into memory, and when she starts doing all the right things and owning her shit, then you can have a new date.

I would urge you to tell her that you don't want to celebrate or acknowledge it. It will be too difficult and triggery for you. Then on that day I would urge you to do something completely for you. Go fishing w/ some buddies, or go for a hike, or watch sunday football with the guys.... whatever, but do not put any pressure on yourself to "celebrate" that would just be adding to the lies. There is no M to celebrate at this point.

Its not the least bit fair but choosing R means the BS has to do alot of “ work” .

1. Put your own needs first even at the expense of the other persons affection and approval

2. Minimize emotional expressions ( both anger and affection )

3. Learn to negotiate verbally in a fair but strict and consistent way

She probably wants to have her big anniversary because in her mind the marriage was all about her anyway and you were just a prop. It hurts to know this but its usually true . Dont hold back from telling her unemotionally what it says about you her and the marriage at this point .

Stay honest with yourself - Make other plans for that day and let her do whatever she wants . You have absolutely nothing to celebrate and she is essentially asking you to participate in your own abuse here

[This message edited by siracha at 10:01 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

You really need to talk about the date and associated activities with your W. You need to make plain what you want to do and work together to decide how to mark the day.

If your W won't listen to what you want and adjust her ideas, that says a lot about what kind of partner she will be.

WRT my first post-d-day anniversary, I told my W she should figure out what she wanted to do and invite me to join her. If I liked what she wanted, I'd agree to go with her.

I am still is sbock that we didn't even make it 1 year in marriage before this happened.

Wow, I'm very sorry. I hope that an attempt at reconciliation is going well for you.

That said, I don't think you should feel any pressure at all to:

-Renew vows

-Wear a wedding ring

-Honor an anniversary of something she already shattered

I threw those other two on the list just to make the point. Your newlywed WW must understand the gravity of the situation and the trauma and pain she has caused.

I don't know your whole story, but if your WW was so quick to give herself to another man within less than a year of marriage, that seems like a very feeble commitment indeed. Why would you want to honor or memorialize that with what is really just now another date on the calendar?

Have you read:

-No Mr. Nice Guy (this will help stop being trapped in a nice guy feedback loop, and it sounds like you may be stuck inside one)

-How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald (this one will help you see whether your WW even measures up to the rebuilder that is needed)

-The Way of the Superior Man (this will help you assert your needs and your life mission, rather than focusing on her; she needs to be a secondary focus for a long time ahead)

-Cheating in a Nutshell (this will help you understand the significant traumatic experience you are undergoing, backed with significant footnotes and research)

Jaybee,

The fact that you feel like this...

She is doing all the planning and such as I don't even have the energy to plan meals these days.

and this...

I am trying to be a good about the whole thing

...suggests to me that you should tell your wife to stop planning and do nothing whatsoever this year. It is too soon to be 'celebrating' a marriage that she trashed so quickly. No doubt that is her major motivation to stage some kind of event, but she should respect your feelings, not push her agenda.

You have every right to not feel like there is anything to celebrate, and she should be sensitive enough to understand that after what she did.

Seriously, just tell your wife to stop. It sounds like you are being pushed into something you neither want nor feel, just so your wife can pretend that nothing happened. Stop pretending, stop faking it.

If your heart is not in it, do nothing this year, and tell your wife you will see how you feel next year, if you are still together.

Whats up SI

So quick update,

WW and I ended up taking a trip up North with the kiddo. Did some sight seeing and relaxed a bit. Had an "honest" talk with her where she admitted to having more sex than her "1 time" she stuck by. She said that they had sex twice, then stopped and continued to "mess" around other ways.

From everything I read online, from many of you, even the councilor all said that no matter what number my WW would say I would not be able to accept it. Eaxample- if she said 5 times ild be like, well why not 6, o 10 times. I'm sure this phenomenon has a name but for now I'll chalk it up my trust issues lol.

Knowing that this could happen I decided to just be content with the fact that she admitted to me that it was more than once. I know a follow up statement to this is gonna be about the lie detector test. I already told her that I am not letting that go and that if she feels inclined to buy me anything to just put it away for the cost of the test.

All in all the get away was nice, didn't really talk too much about the wedding and such. Its hard to maneuver around people who don't know whats going on with us and having them congratulate you.

Ild say for now things are OK.

Jaybee- It’s not the number of times IMO that matters, it’s the WS continuing to minimize and TT that’s a big deal.

My WH has claimed from the beginning they had sex 6 times. The OW gave another account, but she lied about so much, it’s hard to believe her either. It’s not that it would make much of a difference if it was actually 10 times or 20 times, I don’t want to be lied to anymore. I’ve had a bit of a hang up with this aspect for the entire 10 months now. I’m thinking a poly will be the only way to truly satisfy me.

Anyways the concerning thing here is that she minimized the amount of times (it’s typical but damaging) and you’ve just experienced another discovery. It’s new information for you to process.

Maybe now you have the full truth. Maybe she’s still not being fully transparent. That’s why TT is so damaging. You can’t trust what they’ve told you, and are just waiting for more to come out. It’s such an awful thing to experience.

Even though I’ve yet to do it myself, I do think a poly would be a good idea. We should have the funds here in a couple of weeks and I believe I’ll follow my own advice. :)