SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking to hear from other betrayed spouses and partners (sorry W and MH).

I read something on another post and it really hit home for me. One thing that still bothers me is the loss of innocence in my marriage. The loss of having something that’s untainted. Since 2007, I’ve only shared my romantic love, body and intimate details of my life with my WH. He at this point is my last first kiss. That’s not the case with him though. He shared love, intimate details, his body (as far as I know only self pleasure with the exception of one kiss), with others. So I’m not his last first kiss. I’m not even his last falling in love (though I know that love was BS, he only knew her via phone and email, it still sucks).

I never realized before I found out about his cheating ways how much this meant to me in a relationship. Knowing it’s gone really sucks. I keep getting hung up on it. We are trying to R, and mostly it’s going well, but I have trouble moving off this point. This loss of innocence.

Can anybody else relate to this? Does anybody else have this issue? How do you deal with it? Have you gotten that feeling of just you and them back, without the influence of everything that they did? Or did you just accept that it’s never going to be the same?

Divorce and revenge affairs are not an option at this point. :)

Would love to hear any thoughts you’re willing to share. Thanks!

..Good morning landclark

Sorry, there can never be a second 'FIRST' kiss.

We can never be virgins a second time.

No one can go back to 'believing in Santa Claus.'

...or the Tooth Fairy.

With 52 years invested, I've moved on from 'make believe'..

I know now what 'innocent' looks like.

My 3 month old first grandchild is it!

smy

Here is the beginning of a thread I was working on.

It’s been a down week on the R roller coaster ride. I’m aware of all the emotions that go with being betrayed but grief has really hit this week. I greave the loss of trust, purity, and innocence in our relationship.

I write them in notes and sometimes I never have to post because someone is thinking the same thing.

The loss of innocence and the purity of my marriage is what I miss most and it will never come back. I was my wifes one and only until her affair. She had a one year physical affair after 14 years or marriage. It was 20 years later that I found out. So to me the last 20 years have been a big lie. I thought we had a perfect marriage, boy was I wrong. The innocence is gone for me and there is no way for me to get it back. I believe that I would have a easier time getting over this if I had not been her one and only. If she had several lovers before we met I think it would less difficult for me to get over.

If she had several lovers before we met I think it would less difficult for me to get over.

I agree with this my W was a virgin, I was her only. The grief is also knowing she took something so precious and sacred to me and handed it over so easily.

I don’t think that’s possible. I also don’t think cheating is the only way we lose that innocence. The first time we see our loved one doing or saying something cruel is disheartening. The first time we see our loved one being selfish it’s disheartening. It’s like water on a stone. It drips and drips and changes things. I guess the one thing I’ve learned is that it’s much better to speak your mind when you think someone is being unfair, cruel, or disinterested. It’s self protection. A major thing for you to learn from this site is that it’s much better to speak up and look after yourself in the beginning of a relationship rather than try to prostrate yourself and catch up later. By then everyone’s role is established and it’s hard to change. Just saying no to someone who is being careless with your love will free you to have a good relationship or allow you to move on. It took me a long time to understand that I had the right to take up for myself. Now my opinions pop out any time I feel someone is treating me badly. My H cheated when we were young but I pretended I didn’t know. I was a sahm and no way to be financially independent. I got my education and now I provide my own health insurance and retirement. My H and I get along pretty well. I am comfortable in my marriage. I stopped thinking he was perfect years ago. Actually that was a burden. It’s hard to live up to an ideal.

One thing that still bothers me is the loss of innocence in my marriage.

For a while, I couldn’t figure out why I was grieving so much in between sadness and anger phases the first couple of years. Then that tremendous sense of loss came into focus — it was that lost sense of innocence. For me, it was as much about losing the “her and me against the world” feeling. There was one person on the planet who had my back, until she didn’t.

Our pre-A intimacy was a huge part of that.

The answer for us was, we knew we couldn’t get that back. We mourned that loss together.

While our new re-build can’t include innocent lost, it does include a new respect of our relentless effort.

We’re always free to go our own way, but we didn’t. She could have weaponized her behavior to make me feel less than, but she didn’t — she never blamed me for any of her choices. I could have punished and shamed her for her behavior, but I didn’t.

We are glad we never gave up on the other.

I didn’t owe her this last chance. None of us ever owe anyone who hurt us another shot.

Yet, we’re still standing despite or because of the tremendous trauma.

Not many of us make through this Hell with the person who caused it.

It takes more than love to make something horrible into something worth staying together. Seeing someone on their worst days and loving them anyway, is unique. It’s not innocence, but thriving in the face of this kind of adversity is a different kind of evolution. It seems rare, based on the number of stories that don’t up well here.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:41 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

Cooley, I never thought of my WH as perfect. He definitely had flaws. I didn’t realize how badly flawed, but I didn’t expect perfection then and I don’t expect it now.

I do stand up for myself. Always have really. I do own that there are times I could have or should have drawn a much harder line, not really around his cheating, but other stuff.

You make a good point about the loss of innocence though. There are definitely other reasons it can be lost. I’m talking about infidelity though.

[This message edited by landclark at 11:40 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

I agree with Cooley...

Your thread is entitled “Getting the innocence back”.

IMHO, it is not possible.

If we choose to stay, we must let go of that hope. You can’t unring a bell.

But there are other things to work toward. Like the expression, “You shouldn’t want your old marriage back...that was a marriage in which infidelity occurred”.

We have to make a better marriage. Work together to do it. And in the process, hopefully you can acquire something different that is very special, just as “innocence “ used to be.

Like...working your way out of infidelity; making a stronger bond; working together to overcome the mother of all obstacles.

I believe it is possible. There are too many good people (BS & WS) on this site that have done so.

If you ever figure out how — please share.

So sorry for your sadness.

For me, it was as much about losing the “her and me against the world” feeling. There was one person on the planet who had my back, until she didn’t.

Yes, exactly, and I appreciate how you describe it as mourning or grieving. That is very much how I feel, and it’s the major feeling that keeps bubbling up for me. We have days where we get a long great, where things are really great, but there is always this sadness for me. The getting along honestly makes it worse I think. We could have had that all along had he not retreated into a fantasy world and instead focused on us.

Seeing someone on their worst days and loving them anyway, is unique. It’s not innocence, but thriving in the face of this kind of adversity is a different kind of evolution. It seems rare, based on the number of stories that don’t up well here.

I’m not sure I’ll get here, but I’m always glad to see it is possible. Thank you for your feedback.

But there are other things to work toward. Like the expression, “You shouldn’t want your old marriage back...that was a marriage in which infidelity occurred”.

Another really good point. I guess I need to figure out how to let that old relationship go in totality, not just pieces of it. Easier said than done though.

I never believed in the perfect marriage - I've seen too many marriages rocked by other issues besides infidelity - abuse - emotional and/or physical - financial abuse - health issues.

Our marriage had issues - just never thought he would use cheating as a way to deal with them. I also felt he got to experience what I never would again - that first kiss - the excitement of that first sexual encounter.

As we continue our R journey and our commitment to each other continues to grow stronger - I've come to realize it not the first kiss that matters - as long as I am his last.

I greave the loss of trust, purity, and innocence in our relationship.

Yes, all of this. My WH was no virgin, but I did think our relationship was special and that I could trust him. That no matter what, we’d face life’s obstacles hand in hand. Obviously not. Now he wants to prove that he can be my person, but he already failed.

I've come to realize it not the first kiss that matters - as long as I am his last.

I love that. Thank you. 💕

I've come to realize it not the first kiss that matters - as long as I am his last.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to keep my eyes forward.

I needed this “glass half full” example

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:05 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

You put this grief into words so well landclark. I have definitely been feeling that - mourning the loss of what I thought was true love and a good solid marriage.

I had breast cancer at the age of 40. After a mastectomy and reconstruction from tissue in my stomach, I resented the scars on my chest and stomach for a long time. Couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I felt like Frankenstein. With clothes on I look totally normal and nobody would ever guess what it looks like underneath. Made me feel like a fraud. But 10 years later, as time has gone by, I find that I'm not bothered by the scars at all. I've felt proud that I made it through something so hard and find myself more appreciative of good health than I did before the cancer. I can look at myself in the mirror after a shower and say "you are one tough B"!

I'm hopeful that may be what happens in R as the years pass. Do I wish I'd never had a mastectomy? Of course. Do I wish my H had never had an A? Uh yeah. But man if we can make it through this …

Best wishes to you landclark.

The getting along honestly makes it worse I think. We could have had that all along had he not retreated into a fantasy world and instead focused on us.

I felt the same — for quite a while.

And then I recall a post I made here on SI, when I mentioned that the “A didn’t HAVE to happen” for us to improve our M.

I think it was Unhinged who basically answered, “What if it did have to happen, in that my wife needed to fall, in order to make the improvements to herself to be a better partner?”

Until my wife was able to love herself enough — to not need validation from outside sources — there’s a chance she never would be safe enough to be with.

In other words, she’s a much stronger person now all the way around. There have to be better ways to gain inner strength in my mind, but maybe my wife did have to fail herself and me. Maybe. It’s easy to get lost in that spiral.

I try my best to focus on who she is now, and where we are now, versus being haunted by what could have been.

It’s uphill for sure.

Can anybody else relate to this?

Oh gosh...YES!

You have gotten some really GREAT answers here...some I would have written...but here is another take I have .

ACCEPT. This was something I read often on here...that I HAD to accept what happened. I prayed the Serenity Prayer over and over again...one right after the other...asking God to PLEASE allow me to accept what happened. This was so very hard for me to accept...that loss of being in a monogamous marriage...where WE were the only ones in it . This PRECIOUS thing we built TOGETHER...so pure...so fragile...and ever so innocent...just thrown away so cruelly .

I was reading an article one day about evolution. It stated that those who didn't adapt didn't survive. AHA !!!

NOW...I don't ACCEPT a damn thing about my H's affair...but I can ADAPT to it ! YES...we lost our beautiful monogamous M. But we are building a NEW one...even more beautiful and very much monogamous . Only this time...we have experience to know how to navigate THIS precious thing we are rebuilding together .

Life is FULL of things that we can never get back...our childhood...virginity...adult teeth to name a few. But it doesn't mean we can't strive to be better from what we have learned from being young...innocent...and toothful . Can you imagine how it would have felt if...when you turned 18...you kept lamenting about losing your childhood because you were now an adult??? You would have missed out on so much FUN being an adult!!!

PLEASE don't lose out on what you are experiencing NOW because of something that is gone. There is so much MORE to experience Dear Lady...just like moving from childhood to adulthood .

Wow! This group is really rocking the feedback today. I honestly think this has been the most helpful thread I’ve had here. Thank you all.

NOW...I don't ACCEPT a damn thing about my H's affair...but I can ADAPT to it ! YES...we lost our beautiful monogamous M. But we are building a NEW one...even more beautiful and very much monogamous . Only this time...we have experience to know how to navigate THIS precious thing we are rebuilding together

I struggle a lot with the idea of accepting the affairs. Calling it acceptance almost feels like defeat to me. Like “oh well, it happened, nothing to be done about it”. I definitely prefer what you’ve outline here. Adapt. Adapt to a new reality. It may be semantics to some, but it feels less like defeat or concession to me.

Life is FULL of things that we can never get back...

PLEASE don't lose out on what you are experiencing NOW because of something that is gone. There is so much MORE to experience Dear Lady...just like moving from childhood to adulthood .

More good advice and a good reminder. I am having a hard time being in the now. Appreciating the good things that have come post dday (and there have been some good things). As somebody else said, it definitely feels like an uphill battle.

maybe my wife did have to fail herself and me

This hits home. I have said to my WH that he never would have stopped had he not gotten caught, and I believe that to be true. I think he would have kept going and it likely would have escalated. He says he is glad he got caught because it forced him to get his out of his ass and realize the damage he was causing to himself and his family. He truly did have to fail in a big way in order to get better. He wouldn’t have gotten there otherwise.

Kind of a tangent, but this got me thinking about feelings, about what he thought he felt for the first AP, and what she thought she felt for him. With me, I want him to be the best person he can be. Not just for me or our family, but for him. I care enough about him to want him to love himself and he proud of himself, even if that’s not ultimately with me. The first AP who supposedly loved him didn’t want that for him. She just wanted what she was getting from him, but didn’t really care about bettering him in any way. Otherwise she would have turned him toward the light instead of the walking hand in hand into the darkness. That works both ways. He didn’t care about her being a better person either. Being a better person would have meant losing the ego boosts. That’s not love. Or at least it’s certainly not healthy love.

[This message edited by landclark at 2:49 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

One thing that really does help is time. I never could have imagined I would be where I am now in my marriage. So much has happened since he started his affair, since I found out, etc.

I don’t believe he would be capable of the changes he has made without that catalyst. I don’t know that our marriage would have grown the way it has. It sucks and I still have triggers every now and then, but I am mostly at peace. If we are married for the next forty years, I can only imagine the obstacles that we will go through. For us to overcome this - I feel like we can overcome just about anything.

Before dday, I loved the idea of who I thought my WH was. Now I actually love him - the flawed imperfect person that he is. I believe he didn’t love me before, probably wasn’t even capable of it. I do believe he loves me now. It may have taken him losing me to figure that out.

It is so incredibly hard, especially in the first couple of years to deal with all of the various aspects of the betrayal including the loss of innocence. The further out you get, the more changes you see in a remorseful spouse, the easier it gets.

Good luck landclark.