SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me and my wife have been married for 25 years. Have three kids, two that are grown and moved out and one that is not.

For the last couple of years things have been off and I've had my suspicions. But Here recently the last five months I've noticed that her messenger online offline times Match someone else's. I could understand if it was once twice a week. I mean I get that there's a lot of people that uses messenger and times are going to match up regardless from time to time. But when times are matching up anywhere from 3 to 10 times a day. Something don't sit right with me with that.

And it just happens to be the other person is an old high school boyfriend he actually was her first. And when I actually brought this to her attention and ask her about it, I noticed the very next day that messenger account for work X started matching up with his as well . And to me in my gut that was The Smoking Gun . That was really The Tell-Tale sign for me that sealed the deal.

I've also had all the red flags over the past couple years. Like her being distance from me, not wanting to go nowhere with me, feeling disconnected. A few years back it got so bad I asked her did she want to split up, and she immediately started squalling, tears started pouring down her face. And now when I mention of anything it's automatically she's done this wrong, she can't do this right and it's a big ass argument right off the bat and all I did was just mention about something being suspicious or not feeling right. And she makes me try to think that it's all in my head that I'm paranoid and I need to go to the doctor find out why I'm so paranoid.

My question is to the others on here, has anyone else had incidents like this with messenger or another type of app like WhatsApp?

Yes I had the same.. But WhatsApp.. A guy who played the same game as us.. I soon noticed her behaviour.. Asking for holiday alone.. Pulling away.. Etc.. The biggest flag was she would be online in the middle of the night... As he was 5hrs back time wise from us..

To a certain extent trust your gut.. I know alot might advise against it.. But can you gain access to her messenger account discretely??

I only found out the truth by getting lucky.. But my gut was screaming at me for months before then..

It’s time to go full detective mode. If you can afford it, a PI would be best. Otherwise, multiple VAR’s, get access to your wife’s phone, search history, etc. Use the resources here like in the “Investigative Tips” forum.

Do no confront until you have irrefutable evidence.

So basically, you think your wife and her lover have some bat-signal to let each other know when they should be active on Messenger so they can be online together at the very same time.

Yep. You will get your share of posters telling you this is definite proof of infidelity. No questions asked, dna your kids and file.

But I find this very thin.

What you do know however is that IF there is an affair and IF it’s this OM then your WW and OM probably use Messenger to communicate. Therefore the smoking gun will be in the messages. Does she use messenger with her keyboard or does she converse with people?

A VAR if vocal, if typing then use google to find ways of monitoring Messenger traffic. Or even better: monitor when she is active and sneak up on her.

But frankly – what you have is pretty thin IMHO.

Your gut is usually screaming at you for a reason. Not necessarily because your wife is cheating, understand, but something is setting your gut off with respect to your wife.

Something isn't right or you wouldn't be telling us about it. It sounds like it has been gnawing at you for awhile.

Most spouses in reasonably good marriages are pretty tuned into one another and know when something isn't right.

Unfortunately, affairs can go on for a long while before a betrayed spouse actually even begins to suspect infidelity.

Playing the "Spy vs Spy" game with your wife can get pretty exhausting and anxiety-inducing. Sudden pop ins, drive bys, trying to read the tea leaves, trying to figure out which app she is using among the dozens of possible messenger and encrypted apps.

It's a lot. Too much.

Shortcuts around all that nonsense are better.

There are ways to monitor phone, track GPS, VAR, and run recovery software for deleted information.

These are still "spy vs spy" a little bit. But they go more right at the target and get information a lot more quickly.

X HS boyfriends are very high risk. Among other things, they trigger the feeling of being young again which becomes addictive.

Is the X local?

Is he married?

Does she have any opportunity to meet him without you knowing?

Does she guard her phone (never leave it unattended).

Personally I don’t think being on messenger at the same time is very strong proof tbh. Some people practically live online and I know one person who uses it for work communication ( gym trainer so I see him on it almost all day) so I’m these cases it’s not surprising if they are on at the same time often.

That said other stuff (I.e getting distant, not wanting to do things with you etc) are more common so it may be that your gut suspicion is worth more investigation.

I don't have experience with messenger apps so I can't help there. However, this is what caught my attention:

And she makes me try to think that it's all in my head that I'm paranoid and I need to go to the doctor find out why I'm so paranoid.

xWH did the same thing to me over and over. It was almost a relief when the affair was discovered because it was then that I knew I wasn't crazy or paranoid. Trust your gut! Always!

Ex HS BF firsts are the worst scenario. My experience says put an immediate end to it and continually verify it’s over. No good comes from this contact. It may be nothing now but it will develop... I’ve lived it so please take care.

I think there are at least 3 levels including:

1) Allowing inappropriate boundaries to be crossed. This could happen to anyone, but it is important that they recognize it and put an end to it.

2) What most call an Emotional affair. I don't know if this is really always true emotional involvement as opposed to getting your jollies without "crossing the line"

Getting jollies can be simply bitching about one's spouse all the way to sexy talk and more.

3) Physical cheating - Or as I think of it, the "line you cannot uncross".

***

So my question to you is what do you think your wife is engaging in, based on the evidence you have, which I think is most likely in category 1, maybe 2, unless you have left something out.

@Robert22205https - yes he is local and he has no wife. And yes she has opportunities to meet up with him at work with out me knowing. Take for instance this one time her co worker told me, Dont you have a white truck? I said no ma'am, just this silver one. And she said i swear ive seen you picking her up at lunch in a white one. Just so happens, he drives a white truck. And she dont gaurd her phone, she'll leave it out on purpose. She even dont mind if i go through it. Which leads me to think there is another phone, probably kept at her work.

@jambomo and bigger - its not that theyre online at the same time. Its the times when they get off messenger. When they are both getting off messenger at the same time or if not exactly the same, then only 2 to 5 mins different.

this one time her co worker told me, Dont you have a white truck? I said no ma'am, just this silver one. And she said i swear ive seen you picking her up at lunch in a white one. Just so happens, he drives a white truck.

Here is the proof you need. Did she tell you about these lunch dates? If not she’s lying by omission and most likely cheating.

People who have nothing to hide don’t behave this way.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:12 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

Brother you have all the red flags you need, just pull the cord. You don't need to find anything out. Close this chapter in your life.

PI is the fastest way to find out. But, they cost a bit. Otherwise, employ the techniques mentioned by Thumos.

Definitely red flags, but you will want proof for your own peace of mind.

I'm with @Stinger on this. A PI is a must at this time. It can be costly but you will get to the truth very quickly.

You knowing that she is being picked up by him needs to be checked out fully.

Make no mention that you know this detail and keep your poker face on.

Keep strong.

Oh, definitely, never tip your hand about any of your suspicions. This ain't Perry Mason. A cheater does not just roll over and confess when confronted.

Play dumb and keep mum.

Is it possible for you to take time to watch her when she's at work, I mean if someone is picking her up for lunch? I used to look for xWH at the local bars til one night I found his truck; sat out there for about two hours until I saw him finally leave with OW1. Hurt like hell but it was what I needed to see to confront him.

25yearsin

And she makes me try to think that it's all in my head that I'm paranoid and I need to go to the doctor find out why I'm so paranoid

You should consider reading the "Now she is so sorry" thread from DoneGone.

His ExWW tried to convince him that everything was in his imagination going so far as to accusing him of having Othello Syndrome.

Everything his gut told him turned out to be true.

That gaslighting and letting you twist in the wind questioning your sanity is not uncommon. It is pretty profoundly abusive.

Plus, it is a pretty good sign you are onto something.

Contrary to what some think would be a normal reaction to being falsely accused, this type of defensive reaction is just not normal for a truly innocent spouse.

A loving, faithful spouse would surely be puzzled,,concerned about you having doubts. But, this type of spouse, a loyal, loving one, would want to talk about it, allaying your fears etc.

Whenever I see anger or allegations of jealousy and paranoia as a response, I think you are on yo something.

25yearsin look for a burner phone.

Also, if you can afford one, get an P.I. I hired one and it was definitely money well spent, because they have the tools and the knowledge to find stuff in ways you could never dream of. In less than three weeks my P.I. uncovered a dozen affairs over a four year period and provided me with a dossier documenting all my WW's shenanigans.

But then also, you need to figure out what you will do IF or WHEN the evidence against her is uncovered. If you do confirm she is cheating do you have a plan in place? You need a plan.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:40 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]