SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the end, I don't feel like I accomplished anything of note.

I don't know if it's an accomplishment, but you became a giant in my eyes posting that. And she's right, you don't know who else is lurking and reading and now maybe feels like he can address something that happened to him.

What you did by sharing was something almost sacred.

I'm very sorry for my miscommunication, 36.

In no way do I mean to minimize the pain of being raped, especially as a child. In no way do I mean to minimize the trauma of CSA.

Obviously I did not communicate support to and for you in my post, but rest assured that you do have my support in your pain and in recovery. I have some idea of how difficult it is to recover from CSA, and I'm sorry my words added to your pain.

I wish I could say something to take some of your pain away.

36, I think you were very brave to post your story. I read that and was filled with a mixture of agony and awe. I think it's damned near heroic to open up like that and share something so hard to relive and talk about. My respect for you is so high. That took so much strength. If you decide to take it down, I will understand why, but I feel honored to have witnessed your courage in that moment.

I'm with Dee on this.

I said to someone recently that it is a big problem that people don't talk about it.

It triggers something in people - but the fact is - a lot of rapes go unreported because of that fear of not being believed or being blamed. We need to stop being quiet about it the same way we need to break the silence that comes with domestic violence. It's a double-edged sword, because it will always upset someone...but if we stay quiet - nothing changes. I know the silence too well from the shame I felt from both.

It takes a lot of courage to share something like what you did.

Also I agree with tushnurse...she's a wise one too.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 5:25 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

I hope that you can reach out to him and get to the bottom of the reasoning behind his post, and reach a mutual understanding

I am very confused by everyone else's confusion here. Sisoon was very clear. He wrote, after 36yearsgone was questioned by several other members about his intent:

Then post about being triggered

Why did your initial post not share your personal struggle with infidelity triggering past sexual trauma, 36yearsgone?

I've lived with the consequences of CSA for over 50 years, and your 'question' triggered a lot of anger in me.

Sisoon has explained that acting as if this was some philosophical pondering about something (two somethings!) so traumatic is disrespectful to those reading your title, almost as if you chose to provoke rather than share. I think you should ask yourself honestly why you chose that path. Other people have emotions and triggers, too. Maybe stick to sharing as your lead, especially with your media background. You triggered a heck of a lot of people with this thread, not just Sisoon.

Sisoon never disrespected your topic; he disrespected your tactics. And you have not properly answered for them, in my view. Why exactly was it necessary to begin the thread as you did? Felt like you were intentionally provoking your audience and pushing their buttons. Not cool.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:07 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

I saw nothing provocative in the original post. Why it pissed some off is beyond me. It merely asserted that both were traumatic. Others writing on this subject have said the same. Willard Harley has, for sure.

It was not a which is worse contest or anything that should offend someone, IMO. I was not offended by the observation. I have been through both.

Why it pissed some off is beyond me

Idk. But it's rape, you know? Are we really going to tell them, "Suck it up, buttercup"? I mean, it's rape. Let's maybe assume it's a very delicate subject? Geeze.

I'm thinking about starting a thread called: Maybe all women should leave for better? Let's see how people feel about triggery topics then. If you start a thread because of triggery event, then share the hurt. Don't just push buttons or play provocateur.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:20 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

Like I said, the discussion re commonalities is all over the place in the literature and in some threads here. It is not provocative, IMO.

Sisoon never disrespected your topic; he disrespected your tactics. And you have not properly answered for them, in my view. Why exactly was it necessary to begin the thread as you did? Felt like you were intentionally provoking your audience and pushing their buttons. Not cool.

I have the feeling you failed to read it all. I want to respond with certain derogatory comments, but I won't. Thank you for continuing the crap. Hurl; further abuse without reading but in the meantime stay the hell away from me.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 7:53 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

Idk. But it's rape, you know? Are we really going to tell them, "Suck it up, buttercup"? I mean, it's rape. Let's maybe assume it's a very delicate subject? Geeze.

Further proof you failed to read the entire thread. I never implied that I or any other rape victim should suck it up. Quite the contrary.

Owningitnow let it be for crying out loud!!

Sisoon has apologized to 36 and it made me smile seeing this. Says a lot about you sisoon!!!

36 it took a lot of courage to share your story. Please do NOT delete it.

I wanted to ask you 36....how is your brother doing with all of this?

I wanted to ask you 36....how is your brother doing with all of this?

My brother grew up and has become quite successful. But he will not talk about this with anybody else but me.

I cannot understand how anyone with even the bare minimum of reading comprehension ability could interpret anything in the original post, or those that followed,as containing a message to " suck it up butter cup". What an absurd, moronic interpretation.

My rape victim self didn't find it triggering in the least as I was aware pretty much from DDay on that they do have a lot in common. A lot. It's just true. Rape is a painful subject, but if it's taboo, so is infidelity.

I cannot understand how anyone with even the bare minimum of reading comprehension ability could interpret anything in the original post, or those that followed, as containing a message to " suck it up butter cup". What an absurd, moronic interpretation.

I concur. As I think about this I imagine that some people come to a thread, read a couple of comments and immediately go into their agenda, respond through their individual paradigm and experience, don't have the ability to read comprehensively or are just downright cruel.

This I know, I will never share something so personal and traumatic for me in the future. Some stories are better left inside. I believe this is one of them.

I also think some people approached this thread with the following bias: sexual assault/rape only happens to women; therefore how dare a man talk about something he can't possibly understand...

Well, I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do.

Yep, me, too. Got attacked a couple times by women thinking they had a monopoly on having been sexually assaulted. Happens to males a lot, too.

As far as dealing with it, 36, I just buried it for a long, long time. Made me question my own sexuality. I finally opened up and let someone get close, my XW. Then, she betrayed me. Pretty tough stuff.

I finally opened up and let someone get close, my XW. Then, she betrayed me. Pretty tough stuff.

We have a fair amount in common, Stinger. I let down all my walls with my XWH too and got betrayed in return. That's the extra damage for someone who has been raped or assaulted. Rape teaches you that there are safe and unsafe people. You work on identifying who is which. Then you find your safest person and allow yourself to relax into it only to find out that your #1 person is also unsafe. It sends you for a loop. Really screws with your worldview.

Only consolation, Dee, is I got my kids out of the deal. We are all close. Only one of the 5 has much to do with my XW.

As far as dealing with it, 36, I just buried it for a long, long time. Made me question my own sexuality. I finally opened up and let someone get close, my XW. Then, she betrayed me. Pretty tough stuff.

Stinger, I am terribly sorry that your trauma was made worse by a further betrayal.

As one of the original responders who was triggered by the post, I want to clarify and respond to a couple of things.

First of all, 36, I want to reiterate what has been said by several others. Your sharing about the horrific assault you experienced is one of the strongest and bravest things I've ever seen. Please, please don't regret sharing. And please don't be deterred from sharing something personal in the future. As survivors of CSA, we feel SO MUCH shame that is not, never has been ours to bear. And the only way, IMO, past that pain is through sharing the truth. When you share that pain and the listener/reader does not run away pointing at you and instead validates your pain and shows you respect/admiration, you begin to drop the awful burden of shame.

That said, (and I'm going to comment in your other thread about this too) you have, from time to time, started posts that seem rhetorical or theoretical in purpose. Sometimes you even state in the post that you are just wondering about XYZ. Unless I've confused you with another poster, I think you posted that you wanted to write a book and were seeking input and opinions about certain topics. So, for me, that was where the knee-jerk reaction came from. It wasn't at all a sense that a man couldn't possibly understand being raped/sexually assaulted/abused, but more of "I can't believe anyone would just throw this out as a conversation starter!". Which now, of course, I understand that you weren't.

This:

I saw nothing provocative in the original post. Why it pissed some off is beyond me. It merely asserted that both were traumatic. Others writing on this subject have said the same. Willard Harley has, for sure.

It was not a which is worse contest or anything that should offend someone, IMO. I was not offended by the observation. I have been through both.

is exactly what OwningItNow was responding to. Just because you, Stinger, or any other member were not triggered or offended by the original post, doesn't make anyone else's reaction invalid or stupid. Which is absolutely what is being communicated in the quote above. Maybe it's not what you intended to communicate, but it's certainly how I perceive it. No 2 people react to any stimulus or trauma exactly the same way. We are all in various stages of healing (or non-healing). We all process things differently. So whether something personally offends or triggers you or me is not a really great measure of the validity of anyone else's response.

36 I really don't think OIN was suggesting that you had the "Suck it up, Buttercup" attitude but was responding to the tone of Stinger's reply.

36 I really don't think OIN was suggesting that you had the "Suck it up, Buttercup" attitude but was responding to the tone of Stinger's reply.

I can't speak for OIN. My response was based on hyper-emotionalism at the time. And to be fair to OIN, I should've asked for clarification. But, being beaten up during a post that was incredibly difficult, painful and traumatic for me at the time set me off.

I learned that my reticence to ever talk about the rape and assault was well founded. I never wanted to talk about that event. Thinking about doing so always evoked the memories and the fear of being further shamed and ridiculed. No one should have to go through that.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 12:23 PM, November 13th (Friday)]