SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been raped, and agree with all of this. In fact, I couldn’t have put it into better words. Infidelity triggered my past rape experiences hard. I felt physically violated and wanted to crawl out of my body if it were possible. Nothing felt worse than to have to sit in that and know there was nothing I could do to get out of that disgusting, violating feeling.

Yeah, you put that well. I kind of did mentally crawl out of my body on DDay. It was weird as hell, like I was outside it. I guess we both had to go through feeling safe in our own bodies again and I'm really sorry you had that experience too.

I remember laying on the floor and feeling like I could melt into it. I had never felt so low. There was no safe space for me to be. My bed, my home, my body, all of it had been tainted with violations of me and I just had to sit in it. I remember feeling so angry that I couldn’t escape it. It felt like I had to admit defeat. It makes me cry to think of it. I’m so sorry for your experiences too Dee, for everyone that’s been here. Healing my sexual abuse has been the hardest for me to take on. What would u say has helped you most with this? I have a tendency to disassociate from my physical self when it comes to the emotional aspects of this. I get what you mean by walking outside of yourself in that way. Most times that was my default, the times when I couldn’t I experienced what I described in the first parts of this. Honestly with feelings like that it’s no wonder disassociation tends to be my go to. But I do want to heal it. I want to feel safe and love my body again.

Nothing felt worse than to have to sit in that and know there was nothing I could do to get out of that disgusting, violating feeling.

I was sexually abused by a well-respected adult male relative over a course of 2 years. It started when I was five. He attempted penetration. but always stopped short, I'm assuming because he was afraid of doing damage that would leave evidence. He used all the techniques that perverts do to insure my silence, which I kept for more years than I care to admit.

Husband #1 was a master manipulator, who wanted his wife and family, but wanted the OW too. His gaslighting, lies, and manipulations triggered it all and I literally crawled into a closet and hid. I came as close to having a nervous breakdown as I believe you can come without actually having one.

But I believe it's not really the memories that are triggered. It's the memories of the FEELINGS that are triggered, and I believe, 36, that this is what you are describing. Our minds replay the emotions, the feelings...this feels like that...

Bear in mind that I have been betrayed in marriage twice. Both betrayals triggered the sexual abuse. But they triggered different memories--different feelings.

The first time I was overwhelmed with the sadness, the helplessness, the inability to do anything to stop it. Just like with my abuser.

By the time I got to a place in my life that I was strong enough and old enough to stop keeping my abusers' secrets, he had died. There were family members who knew and covered for him.

Husband #2 died before I knew his secrets. The discovery of his unfaithfulness triggered the memories of how my abuser blackmailed a small child into keeping his secrets; the undeserved guilt, the shame, and the anger at being forced to protect him.

I felt totally defeated and helpless with #1. A blind fury descended on me with #2 that has been kind of scary at times: I did not know I was capable of the rage that I have experienced.

In my humble opinion, 36, your description of your horrific rape as a child (and I am so sorry) describes the way you FEEL here and now. You were dragged into a hellacious situation, against your will and have had to deal with the aftermath. Your description of how emasculated you felt holds true here too. Your mind is trying to process the feelings.

I'm so sorry. Spouses are not supposed to do the kind of damage that we see on this site, but then again, children are supposed to be safe and free to be children. I can absolutely agree that infidelity did me more harm, was more traumatic than anything else I have ever experienced.

Powerful words Jehuretired.

Thank you.

Again, what is the point of making this comparison?

The point is, something triggered me this morning.

Then post about being triggered instead of posting some pseudo-intellectual question about being raped.

I'm really sorry you were raped. I was not, but I've lived with the consequences of CSA for over 50 years, and your 'question' triggered a lot of anger in me.

Then post about being triggered instead of posting some pseudo-intellectual question about being raped.

I'm really sorry you were raped. I was not, but I've lived with the consequences of CSA for over 50 years, and your 'question' triggered a lot of anger in me.

I've always respected and appreciated your input Sisoon. That is until you posted your comments above.

I did not post some pseudo-intellectual question about being raped. Did you actually read my post? You're jumping to a conclusion without any evidence.

As for being a pseudo-intellectual, gee thanks. Glad my suffering could provide you with some condescending fodder.

I am sorry you were triggered. Your trigger was obviously more important than mine.

I am more than willing to be subject to abusive comments as people on SI come from many different paradigms, with many different experiences.

At times it is very difficult to relay our deepest pains and hurts because people are not in our heads.

Again, I am sorry that you were triggered or offended by my inadequacies as a writer, speaker, pseudo-intellectual or someone in enough pain to reach out.

I've been mildly offended by some posters, but have never felt the anger that your comments created inside me.

If you believe your experiences are more important than mine or anyone else's, then I will exercise more caution in sharing my sorrows, perhaps choosing instead to start some private comment threads instead of allowing me to be subject to your insults.

Again, I am sorry that I caused you any triggers or if I caused you to feel slighted in anyway. This is a forum where lots of painful circumstances are relayed and shared among people with similar experiences.

My rape caused me severe trauma. But I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have to apologize to you for me being raped.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 10:53 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

I remember laying on the floor and feeling like I could melt into it. I had never felt so low. There was no safe space for me to be. My bed, my home, my body, all of it had been tainted with violations of me and I just had to sit in it. I remember feeling so angry that I couldn’t escape it. It felt like I had to admit defeat. It makes me cry to think of it. I’m so sorry for your experiences too Dee, for everyone that’s been here. Healing my sexual abuse has been the hardest for me to take on. What would u say has helped you most with this? I have a tendency to disassociate from my physical self when it comes to the emotional aspects of this. I get what you mean by walking outside of yourself in that way. Most times that was my default, the times when I couldn’t I experienced what I described in the first parts of this. Honestly with feelings like that it’s no wonder disassociation tends to be my go to. But I do want to heal it. I want to feel safe and love my body again.

I relate so much to that. Ugh, this nonsense sucks so much. It took medication for me in the first year after DDay to not just want to die. After I left and bought my house, I made a point of using my body to do good things. Planting, landscaping, painting, making things. I made a point of appreciating everything I could do with it to make things better. I concentrated on the muscles in my legs helping me lift things, the dexterity of my fingers to fix things, and so on. I started volunteering at an animal shelter and appreciated that I could use my body and heart in that way to improve the world a tiny bit. I had to learn to value so much all over again. I never thought I'd have to heal from the same trauma twice, but I'm sure you didn't expect that either.

Sisoon, it's a legitimate comparison in my and many other's experiences. It's ugly that it is and it's disgusting that anything that awful can be similar to something one's spouse does to them, but that doesn't make it not so. Nothing about it is pleasant, but I think it is helpful for some of us to talk to one another about it.

Sisoon, it's a legitimate comparison in my and many other's experiences. It's ugly that it is and it's disgusting that anything that awful can be similar to something one's spouse does to them, but that doesn't make it not so. Nothing about it is pleasant, but I think it is helpful for some of us to talk to one another about it.

I agree with you DevastatedDee.

But, where I am right at this very moment is feeling like opening up and being vulnerable was a risk I should not have taken. Sisoon's comments made me feel like the rape was my fault, but still unimportant, that my feelings about being raped cannot possibly be real.

I can certainly understand that he went through years of dealing with CSA. I've gone through 53 years of dealing with being raped as a child. But in finally opening up about it and trying to communicate, I am now a pseudo-intellectual? It's like being raped all over again.

I hate sounding like this, but his comments were the most condescending and abusive comments I have ever received on SI. No wonder rape victims feel shame when trying to talk about it.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:03 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

At this point, I don't now what else to add.

Unless you have been raped you probably wouldn't know how similar the out of body experience, inner rage and disgust at oneself, and dissociation felt at D-Day. The rage was intense and I was violent from it. I threw my STBX's phone right at his head while he was sleeping. I wanted him out of the house and away from me. It was all consuming and I couldn't get away from myself or calm my emotions. It triggered a tsunami of past abuse feelings and reactions.

Unless you have been raped you probably wouldn't know how similar the out of body experience, inner rage and disgust at oneself, and dissociation felt at D-Day. The rage was intense and I was violent from it. I threw my STBX's phone right at his head while he was sleeping. I wanted him out of the house and away from me. It was all consuming and I couldn't get away from myself or calm my emotions. It triggered a tsunami of past abuse feelings and reactions.

I fully agree with what you are saying. For years I have been dealing with my history of being raped. But it has never been able to be put away and ignored. Many of the feelings I've felt about it were similar to those I felt when discovery day rolled around.

Apparently the very thought the there may be shared feelings among those who have been raped and cheated on, is insulting to some. But remember, each of us has unique experiences and traumas. In addressing these we use our best intentions when we start to disclose our traumas. Anything we say or do can trigger someone else, but that doesn't mean we are pseudo-intellectuals, it may simply mean we are trying to do the best with the crap show someone else thrust upon us.

Pseudo intellectual? What tripe.

My initial response to original starting post was a bit wtf, but with the added context I get it and I get the point you are making 36.

I (thank god) have never been raped or been a victim of SA, but I do remember telling my xwh about 2 weeks after dday that I have to imagine that I have a small understanding of how victims must feel - specifically from reading through the sexts he and his 18 yo hooch had regarding me and sexual acts they both wanted me involved in and wanted to do to me (I still, even 2 years later, can't write that out without my skin crawling). It made me feel like a thing. Like I wasn't even a person. Like he thought he owned me and had a right to trade my being away for his own sick gratification. That thought and that feeling of violation took me a long long time to come to grips with, and I still struggle with it.

I do think there are a lot of parallels between the two just from that feeling of having your humanity be so devalued. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone because it is truly soul shattering.

But infidelity… I actually think we betrayed spouses are victims, but we are a victim of the byproduct. The WS does not cheat to hurt us. That is not the goal or the purpose of the affair.

Reckless indifference is not relevantly distinguishable from intention.

Reckless indifference is not relevantly distinguishable from intention.

In some ways, it's worse. You didn't matter enough for it to be intentional. But really, rapists aren't out to harm you either. You just don't matter. You are a thing, not a person. A huge part of the damage comes from having your body used and your humanity not meaning anything.

But really, rapists aren't out to harm you either. You just don't matter. You are a thing, not a person. A huge part of the damage comes from having your body used and your humanity not meaning anything.

I don't fully agree with this. My rapist was definitely out to cause great bodily harm. I was something that gets thrown away. I felt the same way on D-day.

But, I am thinking of removing all my posts from this thread. It did me no good to be open and vulnerable. In fact, it wasn't the personal breakthrough I hoped for; it's become more of a living hell for me to see it in print and offend a pseudo-guide.

Sometimes SI is a very safe place to post. Then there are times where it is completely unsafe. This is one of them. No one to blame but myself.

36 I'm just now reading your thread.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you experienced this (especially as a child). I can't imagine how you dealt with this!!

How it changed you and carrying the weight of it through your life??

Than losing your son and then the betrayal of your wife.

My friend you have been through a great deal. More then most people could handle.

I understand what you're feeling here in that it took a great deal of courage to reveal this about yourself and then to be attacked about it.

Sometimes things are lost in translation when we email or text or post on an Internet forum. You put it out there the best that you could and again it took a great deal of courage to do so.

I understand your anger and now wanting to delete all your posts on this thread. I hope you'll reconsider because hopefully someone else will see this down the line and to see your courage to put your story out there.

That boy that was raped is still inside of you and my heart goes out to him.

36 this has certainly made me think about your situation with your wife and how you've chosen to deal with it and at the end of the day you're doing the best that you can. One day at a time. You do you!!

Again 36 I am so sorry that after everything you've been through you had to go through that as a child.

Praying that today is a good day for you my friend!!

But really, rapists aren't out to harm you either. You just don't matter. You are a thing, not a person. A huge part of the damage comes from having your body used and your humanity not meaning anything.

Yes, Dee, I think it’s objectification. I think people who commit violence of really any kind have objectified the people they victimize. We all generally do this to some extent but like everything else it exists on a spectrum. Checking out Jason Momoa <———> violent sexual crime.

My initial response to original starting post was a bit wtf, but with the added context I get it and I get the point you are making 36.

Same. And I am very sorry that I had that reaction.