SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Booyah:

Thank you for your very kind response.

I am still considering removing everything in this thread, or maybe having the entire post removed (don't know if that can be done).

I had an uncle who spent much of his time as a marine in the jungles of Viet Nam. The only time he will ever speak of what he saw and experienced in Viet Nam is when he is stumbling drunk. Without booze he can't/won't talk about it.

I feel the same way about what happened to me; for those who want to jump on me for comparing my sexual assault with those who saw horrors in Viet Nam, don't. I am not equating the two, other than to say trauma can stick with a person who experiences trauma, regardless of the source. It can shatter the mind, ruin the heart, and cause all future experiences to be filtered the eyes of that trauma.

I made at least two mistakes in the post. The first is that the title and original post were worded poorly. Sometimes I cam to SI to listen, learn, share and pray for recovery. It is much like group therapy. I didn't really intend to share what I shared. But it was troubling me so much that I thought SI is a safe place, people who know me will hear me out and not jump to conclusions. But some did jump to conclusions. I guess they don't know me as well as I originally thought.

The second mistake was sharing the event that destroyed a young boy's mind, wounded his soul and affected so much of his life.

I felt that, as my post was being misunderstood, I needed to give the context that no one here could possibly know. Providing that context cost me dearly. I wish I had taken the abuse, accepted being referred to as faux-intellectual, and kept my mouth shut.

I haven't felt so naked, vulnerable and in emotional and mental danger as I did when I shared what happened to me. It was not easy. Now I regret that I told anyone about it. The last time I really spoke about it was when I saw counselors my parents sent me to after it happened. I hated talking about it then and I hate talking about it now.

I also hate the thought that the 8-year-old that I once was, still exists in my mind. I hate the thought that I risked being vulnerable.

36, I think you were very brave to post your story. I read that and was filled with a mixture of agony and awe. I think it's damned near heroic to open up like that and share something so hard to relive and talk about. My respect for you is so high. That took so much strength. If you decide to take it down, I will understand why, but I feel honored to have witnessed your courage in that moment.

My heart goes out to you.

I don't understand the harshness in this thread. If something does not agree with you then move along.

You never know who might be helped by different discussions. Over the years I have been more of a reader than a poster and I have learned a great deal. Somebody posted something the other day and explained a problem that I deal with as if they were in my head. Just knowing that somebody understands without judgement brought me to tears.

I feel awful that you opened up and let yourself be vulnerable and we let you down. That is not okay.

Personally i think this is a great example of how we can all leap to conclusions and how we can all talk it out and realize that we have alot to learn from each other .

I cant imagine the strength it took to post your story and i find this thread downright inspiring .

Whatever you do next with this thread please know everyone is on your side here .

[This message edited by siracha at 10:29 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

36 I understand the dilemma you were in on this thread.

You didn't have to share something that was so traumatizing to you but you also wanted people to understand where you were coming from.

In order to do that you had to go to a place that you've stuffed way down inside you and having done so brought up a whirlwind of painful emotions and more than likely made you have to replay that horrible experience all of over again.

You mentioned this because as you said you've felt SI was a safe place and now you've found that it isn't.

That little boy was stuffed inside of you, deep in a place where you could protect him, so he would NOT have to EVER relive that painful event ever again.

Unfortunately he poked his head out to explain himself and in doing so he left his safe haven and is now reliving all of the pain from that HORRIBLE experience.

All I can say is I'm sorry for that 36.

In my humble opinion that experience is worse than losing your son and your wife's betrayal. Why I say this is you were a young boy when you experienced it (trying to make sense of it with a young child's mental capacity) as compared to the other two when you were a grown man. Please don't misunderstand me as I can NOT imagine the pain you experienced losing your son.

36 please be gentle with yourself and especially that young boy inside of you who is reliving that pain all over again.

Have you (or would you) consider getting some counseling again to hopefully give that young boy inside of you some peace?

If I was there with you I would be more than happy to have a beer with you and to just listen (if that was something you were open to).

Given I'm not all I can say is hang in there and do what you have to do to find peace.

I TRULY appreciate you sharing your story and I know that you know the peace you're seeking lies in the Lord.

God bless my friend and if you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me and I will be more than happy to talk to you (or just listen).

36years - first I am truly sorry you went through that as a child, and as a boy it was even more traumatic for you as when you were a boy it wasn't something that was recognized near to the level of what it is today.

Secondly I have often thought that Rape and Infidelity have a lot of commonality, and have never made the comparison because I have never been down that path thankfully, but it is true that choice to protect yourself is taken away, it is true that it is a giant trauma, it is true that it does damage beyond just the normal run of the mill trauma that we all have to deal with in life.

I do often say it is a double whammy of betrayal causing that trauma to be deeper, and for many that are raped as children by a family member, or are raped by someone they know it too is that double whammy. You no longer are able to trust people at a visceral level, you are also losing a relationship that was "safe". There is a grief that accompanies that loss. There is also a trauma and grief that accompanies infidelity.

That said, I am so sorry that you found Sisoon's post so offensive, I honestly had to look at the poster 2 times to be sure it was him. But the one piece of old timer advice I have to offer you is what we tell newbies here. Take what you need, and leave the rest. I hope that you can reach out to him and get to the bottom of the reasoning behind his post, and reach a mutual understanding, as Sisoon tends to be very empathetic and kind. But there are always exceptions.

((((( And Strength )))))

36 FWIW, I think that your story, hard as it was to read, is REALLY important. Women share their stories about sexual assault a lot more than men do, but I think there are quite a few men that have experienced this kind of trauma and that speaking up about it should be encouraged.

Like I said my initial reaction was not the best, but once you shared your story it made a lot of sense what you were driving at with your original post. Sometimes internet forums are a blessing, but it is easy to lose context in them too, which can lead to less understanding.

I for one do hope that you leave your story up - I think once you shared further, it seems that most people are understanding where your thoughts were coming from a lot more.

Booyah:

I would love to have a beer with you, but I would make mine club soda or a Diet Pepsi

Like I said my initial reaction was not the best, but once you shared your story it made a lot of sense what you were driving at with your original post. Sometimes internet forums are a blessing, but it is easy to lose context in them too, which can lead to less understanding.

EllieKMAS:

I can't hold your initial reaction against you. Your reaction was completely understandable due to the lack of context. I apologize for that. Sometimes the things I want to say are clearer in my mind than my mouth.

That said, I am so sorry that you found Sisoon's post so offensive, I honestly had to look at the poster 2 times to be sure it was him. But the one piece of old timer advice I have to offer you is what we tell newbies here. Take what you need, and leave the rest. I hope that you can reach out to him and get to the bottom of the reasoning behind his post, and reach a mutual understanding, as Sisoon tends to be very empathetic and kind. But there are always exceptions.

tushnurse:

Thank you for responding. I found Sisoon's post horribly offensive and hurtful. My years in the media taught me to have very thick skin. His comment skinned me.

I have always respected, appreciated and admired Sisoon. But all that vanished upon reading what he had to say. Am I missing more of the context behind his words? Possibly. But if so, he can provide the necessary context. In the meantime I am stepping back and away from him in order to avoid saying something I can't take back.

Sometimes the things I want to say are clearer in my mind than my mouth.

Meeee tooooo. I gotta check myself regularly to make sure that I'm communicating things how I intend to. And I am still a work in progress on that and probably always will be!

It's completely understandable given that this came from a place of great pain and trauma for you and I am so grateful that you were willing to share that for clarification.

(((36)))

(((36yearsgone))) I think you should keep the thread and I honestly thank you for it. It is theraputic and healing to get this out. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your experience.

(((36yearsgone))) I think you should keep the thread and I honestly thank you for it. It is theraputic and healing to get this out. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your experience.

crazyblindsided:

It doesn't feel like bravery, it feels more like foolishness on my part. But, I do hope that it may help others even if it doesn't end up helping me.

Some of those remarks insulting you were way out of line. Consider their source.

I finally talked about my experiences ( 3 times it happened) with a therapist. I guess it helped.

Dee,

Thank you SO MUCH for this. 💗

I made a point of using my body to do good things. Planting, landscaping, painting, making things. I made a point of appreciating everything I could do with it to make things better. I concentrated on the muscles in my legs helping me lift things, the dexterity of my fingers to fix things, and so on. I started volunteering at an animal shelter and appreciated that I could use my body and heart in that way to improve the world a tiny bit. I had to learn to value so much all over again.

Dee,

Thank you SO MUCH for this. 💗

You are so beyond welcome! Huge virtual hugs!

I survived rape AND am married to a Cheater

I was also molested by my father for years. It stopped once I learned what it was he was doing to me. When he tried, I’d threaten to scream and he’d run away.

I absolutely agree with your line of thinking 36. I am not offended at all.

They are both acts of depravity that steal a person’s agency

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 2:52 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

And 36, never, ever regret telling what happened.

Like Rape and Infidelity, child molestation thrives in the dark.

Shine the spotlight on it and watch the demons scurry for cover

^5

And 36, never, ever regret telling what happened.

Like Rape and Infidelity, child molestation thrives in the dark.

You're right and I wish it was that easy. unfortunately, disclosure often comes with a price tag attached to it: humiliation, shame, ridicule.

I don't know what good I possibly did with my disclosure. The man who did that to me was never caught nor identified. He seemed like an older man to me at the time, so it is highly likely that he is long dead and rotting in hell.

In the end, I don't feel like I accomplished anything of note.

In the end, I don't feel like I accomplished anything of note.

What if what you did was to help another man step up and deal with a childhood trauma? You never know what impact your words have on others.

Like I said earlier, a lot of SA for men goes unreported. It isn't spoken about. I think we need more men like you that are willing to disclose and be open about their trauma to remove the stigma around it.