SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We "all" do not.

No, it doesn’t sound silly to me. If your wife had any kind of trauma history, particularly CSA, what you’re describing could be indicative of that. Did she ever do IC? Because I would more than understand frustration with her explanation without any deeper digging.

If she hasn’t, that would be my personal line in the sand but everyone is different. Again, the why is for her. So she did this, felt these - does it change it for you? What do you want?

Lots of people have FOO and CSA and abuse issues and are faithful loyal people. I’m one of those people. It is a cop out. In any case she could start with stopping from continuing to bullshit him, regardless of any screwed up personal history she has.

She invites him up to her hotel room after spending the day with him (she's already lied to you that this "friend" was her ex).

She goes to take a shower in the hotel room and this guy goes and sits on the bed.

She's done with her shower and instead of getting dressed to go out she puts on only a robe and goes and sits next to him on the bed.

They start to kiss.

Things start to heat up in bed and he gets up and goes to get a condom in his backpack.

She claims that having sex with him was so "traumatic"???

It was SO "traumatic" that after he finished, instead of saying to him "please leave" or he left eventually on his own, she was SO SHAKEN by this horrible "traumatic" act that instead of distancing herself from him she then got dressed and went to have dinner with him???????

I call total BULLSHIT on this!!!

It's one thing with the intentional MULTIPLE lies and cheating but now instead of owning her bullshit she's going to double down and tell you it was "traumatic" for her?

The sex might not have been as enjoyable as she would have liked but her evil fantasy played out just as she planned before she got on that plane.

As others have pointed out sounds more like regret.

No wonder you're having a hard time with this.

Instead of taking ownership of her betrayal she's now a victim???

I'd look her in the eyes and say "you sure are taking me for a fool".

Poor princess.

the why is for her. So she did this, felt these - does it change it for you? What do you want?

I think that's the heart of it.

And to me it doesn't matter if the actual sex was awful and she hated it - she either fully intended for it to happen consciously, or she's so intellectually dishonest with herself that she's not a trustworthy partner.

I fully admit a huge anti-reconcilliation bias, due to years of needless anguish trying to carry R on my shoulders alone with a gold-medal mental gymnast. I just can't with people who live in an alternate reality. Which I think she is, unless she's just lying outright.

Lots of people have FOO and CSA and abuse issues and are faithful loyal people. I’m one of those people. It is a cop out. In any case she could start with stopping from continuing to bullshit him, regardless of any screwed up personal history she has.

I don’t think everyone processes trauma the same way, Thumos. Not everyone has the same toolkit. And, it’s an explanation, not an excuse. It would be up to OP to decide what his measuring stick is, and he asked for insight re: trauma.

Exactly, Jana, is she addressing this mental leap in IC? Are you good with that possibility, OP? That’s my point.

I can see being alone in a room with a man without sex being on your mind. But, if you're in a robe on the bed of a motel room with your ex-boyfriend...yeah. Unless some emergency brought you both there randomly because the zombie apocalypse hit and you snuck in to wash blood off yourselves and you don't have other clothes...nah. The problem is that she wanted to sleep with him. The sex might have been bad, but she shouldn't have ever been in a position to find that out.

Still, the "the sex was bad" thing is such a common trope that I don't know what you can believe. I heard that a foursome with three other women was bad sex and my XWH felt raped despite paying for this experience. Let's all shed a tear.

Women aren't delicate fainting woodland creatures, but some will certainly use that stereotype when cheating is involved. Hell, even men try to use that.

There’s a difference between possibility and probability that can often clear up things like this. Is it possible she found the whole experience of sex with her AP that she planned and arranged from the jump akin to being trapped in an Arctic hellscape? Sure it’s possible. Is it probable. No it isn’t. Spotting the difference often susses out the truth.

Occam’s razor suggests the simplest explanation usually fits. The simplest explanation is that she wanted it, planned it, enjoyed It.

She is now telling you a story that is a version of “little lost girl in the woods” and masking it with the usual drivel that she has such has such complicated intriguing mystical feminine thoughts you would not understand.

Nonsense.

So the issue is whether or not you believe she enjoyed it after penetration? From what I gather from OP, it is settled that she was very much into it and wanted it to happen up and until penetration. At that point, she says she didn't enjoy it and wanted it over?

Is that correct?

If so, is it believable that she regretted it after she fully intended to have sex and realized her intention in the plans and steps she made? Absolutely. Is it true? I have no idea.

I think this is getting sidetracked into her regret somehow mitigating her culpability in the act. If she intended to do it, did it, and then hated it, none of that mitigates the betrayal. The betrayal happened long before the penetration. However, I can understand how it is important in knowing the truth so you feel that you can trust her.

[This message edited by KingRat at 11:48 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

I don’t think everyone processes trauma the same way, Thumos. Not everyone has the same toolkit. And, it’s an explanation, not an excuse. It would be up to OP to decide what his measuring stick is, and he asked for insight re: trauma.

In any case this is 100 percent hypothetical and offering up an easy narrative for her to fall back if she happened to read this thread.

The sex might have been bad, but she shouldn't have ever been in a position to find that out.

Exactly!!!

can see being alone in a room with a man without sex being on your mind

This would be considered completely crossing a major boundary in most marriages

I heard that a foursome with three other women was bad sex and my XWH felt raped despite paying for this experience. Let's all shed a tear.

thanks for bringing a truth bomb, DevastatedDee! This made me laugh. What a complete tool! 😂

I am just saying that women in general are a little more complicated to get off

I don't think "getting there" has much to do with the conundrum that the OP is facing. And his description of how his cheater wife described it, doesn't suggest one of "I didn't get off" and therefore is sucked. It seems it she was saying, I hated the whole experience. Getting off or not seems to be secondary to lying about it. That makes her not safe.

But even on the "getting off" thing, we have read many accounts of cheated on men here that have exactly that problem. I will admit that I need more than a willing receptacle to be satisfied, and I am a man.

This would be considered completely crossing a major boundary in most marriages

I've been alone in rooms with my boss more times than I can count and never was there anything sexual about it. Never could I work a job where I couldn't collaborate with male coworkers and bosses. That's more what I was thinking, not that I went to a hotel room with some dude I used to have sex with.

I wonder if perhaps the issue is a proxy issue for the OP. Whether the sex was good/bad, whether she had fucker's remorse mid-stroke or post-coitus, the course of events involved dozens of individual decisions to lie to her BH, hang out with the ex, and intentionally get to a highly compromising place with him. Up to that point, it was all carefully planned and clearly desired and, in every case, done dishonestly, behind his back, in contravention of their marriage vows.

So often we see betrayed spouses grasping for straws ("if I could only believe his dick was limp/small/ugly, somehow that might make it okay") when the big picture reality is really the issue.

So often we see betrayed spouses grasping for straws ("if I could only believe his dick was limp/small/ugly, somehow that might make it okay") when the big picture reality is really the issue.

Yep. That.

You know that her infidelity was premeditated. The fact that she finds the ONS traumatic is probably a function of the fact that it threatens the marriage. I think you both know this to be true. BTW, how was the ONS revealed to you? The claim of traumatization is irrelevant in the scheme of things. She knowingly diminished you and the marriage to have the ONS. That is part of the reason you can't get over it. BTW, I couldn't get over something like that, but that is just me. It has been eight years and it keeps haunting you. What are the chances that it will diminish its hold on you? My guess is that it is not good. You will have to weigh the alternatives on how to proceed. Follow your heart and your gut. Don't let others talk you into something that doesn't feel right. Maybe a trial separation might be in order. Maybe not. The fact that it has such a hold on you and that you struggle each day is no way to live. What are your feelings toward her? If they have evaporated, you should probably move on. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself and your children. One last thought. I wouldn't be so quick to believe this is the only time she strayed and that this was just a ONS. A polygraph exam is in order which should be standard procedure in all such instances.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:26 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

So let me get this straight:

The OP states that over several years since his dday he has had trouble accepting his WW’s description of her ONS, in which she clearly was the initiator, that the night was traumatic and horrible, and she didn’t enjoy the sex. The OP asks for insights how his WW saying she felt traumatized and horrible could be accurate, she being the one that initiated the whole thing. In response we have several women, both BW’s and WW’s giving witness from their own personal sexual experiences, as women, that it is “POSSIBLE” (not a certainty. Not exculpatory) that his WW is telling the truth. Period. Only that it is possible she is telling the truth.

And then in response to women relating their actual sexual experiences, we have men telling the OP, nah! It’s not possible she is telling the truth. She is absolutely lying!

That is frickin’ hilarious!

[This message edited by fareast at 12:11 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

So, I need some help making sense of this.

It sounds as if your fWW planned to meet her XBF (including potentially sleeping with him), spent the day with him (the date), went to the hotel room with him, purposefully took a shower and sit beside him just with the robe on for the next step to happen.

Did it ever happened to you that you remember fondly of an old movie, watch it again, then found out it wasn’t that good the second time you watch it, years later?

Maybe your fWW, once the sex started, realized that the emotional and physical connection she anticipated (what she thought it would be) wasn’t there and had a “oh shit” moment.

The subsequent dinner was just to go along with her imaginary one day Affair with her ex BF.

It sounds to me like you need to ask more questions to your fWW. If she keep on insisting that it all happened by accident, then she is not your fWW, she is your WW.