SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am looking for advice and possible answers to my many questions.

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married 10 years. We were high school sweethearts.

Timeline of our relationship

1999- started dating in high school

2000-had our first child

2001 fall to 2005- I left to go to college on a athletic scholarship to play football about 2 hours away. I was home every summer from mid May to late August. This is when our relationship got rocky as we are used to being with each other all the time. I would say I came home Each year from September through May 2x during the week and every weekend when I wasn’t out of town playing football. There were times when I would come home on the weekend and some Saturday nights I would go hang out with the fellas, not to cheat or talk to girls but to hang out and drink. There were times I would hang out and do things with my girlfriend on the weekends as well. We would argue about this as she didn’t want me to go out and hang out with the fellas as she wanted me home. I admit I should have stayed home more often. We stayed together the whole time.

2007- had twin girls.

2010- Got married

2011- My life changes. I found out from a friend that my wife cheated on me when I was in college before we were married. It slip up through Our conversation one day watching a basketball game. I continued to ask him a lot of questions as I was livid. Then I confronted Wife and she denied it. I was adamant over the next few day’s to get her to confess. I never told her my source. She finally broke down Crying and confessed as I kept asking. She said, “Yes we had sex one time and I regret it.” “I was upset with you as you were not here, I was lonely, the other guy gave me attention and affection, I knew it was wrong, it was new and different being with another guy.” “I was being selfish and didn’t mean to hurt you.” That’s what they always say.

At this moment I was crushed, angry, rage, hurt and all the other words you can think about. I didn’t know who this person was . Brought him around my child and everything.

I wanted to know all the details, when, what, where? I asked my friend to tell me everything he knows. This friend is the cousin of the person my girlfriend at the time cheated with. The friend and I didn’t come close until about a year before. The guy she cheated with was my high school football teammate. At that time, he was a dead beat father, been arrested for selling drugs and sleeps around. He knew we were together. Of course the details didn’t match with my wife and the friend who told me. Wife said they had sex 2x within a week and was talking for a month (trickle truth). “The sex wasn’t good, he was small and went quick like 2 minutes.” “We used condoms, never in bed, never went out on a date, never spend the night, no oral, she didn’t love him but did like him, did thought about maybe being with him at one point but knew that would be a bad idea.” “Never talked about me but when started to change the topic quickly.”

Do you believe this? Can someone have sex more than once if it wasn’t any good? Did she love me during her cheating like she said she did? I don’t think a person can love or be in love with someone they cheated on.

What i found out from my friend. She gave him oral, there were at least a couple of times no condoms. He started coming over beginning my sophomore year in the fall of 2002 and off and on through spring 2004. There were long stretches they didn’t see each other. He couldn’t tell me the number of times they had sex but it was more than 2x. It was the the 2x as my wife’ mentioned and one time in the summer of 2003 as this is the time she gave him oral and came in her mouth. He said his cousin told him that she got pregnant by me and that’s when my girlfriend and affair partner became friends. I knew she was pregnant at the time but she had a miscarriage. When I confronted her about this, she denies it and says they weren’t messing around then and they only messed around in November 2002 only.

Does this mean this Is when the sex stopped, and when they became friends? I do remember the month she got pregnant was our roughest month as far as arguing and lack of sex. For me this is a red flag.

Did he get her pregnant? Do you think she was cheating the whole time from fall 2002 to Spring 2003? Could she fell in love with the guy over this long period of time or was it just booty calls? Was his sex better? Was he bigger? Does she think about him or did she think about him frequently during cheating? Is it okay to want All the details? These are questions that runs in my head as well as mind movies.

My friend was going off his conversation with his cousin (affair partner). However we are no longer friends due to an argument over money.

It’s been 9 years since I found out. Other people knew but never told me. This is embarrassing as we live in a small town. We reconciled, but even today it’s hard as I feel and know she isn’t telling me the whole truth. (To this day I haven’t gave up my source). To be honest when I graduated from college in 2005 our relationship has been strong and no indication of cheating. I’ve been doing things since 2005 as far attention, affection etc. Within the past year, I know it’s weird as you must be thinking it’s been along time ago but I just look at her differently, don’t want to touch her or be intimate with her.

I was young in college but didn’t cheat, being a star athlete at the time i could have easily without her knowing. I am not sure what to do - work through it or divorce. One of the biggest thing that bothers me the most is trickle truth. She feels she has told me everything and we need to move on .

Need to move on is the WORST thing a cheater can say.

You cannot move on in some cases b/c you don’t know all the details. Like you said - the truth comes trickling out. Others knew long before you did. How does she think that makes you feel?

PTSD.

Things need to be brought out of the dark. Either thru counseling, a polygraph... maybe do tests to verify the kids are yours....

Even if you've been told the truth, it still needs to be addressed for your health purposes. If she loves, you, it shouldn't' be a problem.

Do you believe this?

The question is more do YOU believe it? Because that is all that matters. Cheaters lie. It's in the very nature of cheating.

One of those forms of lying is to minimize one or two steps back from what actually happened.

My WW has insisted she only had sex one time with her AP in at least six weeks of being physical with him.

The litmus test is to think about possibility vs. probability. Lots of things are possibly true. But are they probably true? See the difference?

Is it possibly true my WW only had sex with AP once? Sure. Is it probably true? Probably NOT.

Someone who is minimizing is caught up in their own regret rather than the empathy and real remorse needed for true and authentic reconciliation.

Apply this to your own situation and you'll have a pretty good grid for this.

Your WW sounds like she wants to rugsweep one of the most toxic things a human being can do to another human being.

You can most certainly move on. The question is whether she is actually worth your additional time and energy for you to take along on that ride. Her asking you to "move on" is a self-centered entitled rugsweeping gambit.

Here's the thing: Your wife appropriated for herself the right to a season of sowing her oats, while assuming your loyalty -- and you WERE loyal. So you got the very raw end of the deal even before you were married. The unfortunate truth is that she created an intimacy gap in your marriage that was there before she even took the vows. If she's not willing to address that intimacy gap squarely, you're left simply staring into that abyss, knowing she schemed to be penetrated by another man and was okay with a "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" attitude toward you. I imagine that won't sit well with you and will continue to eat away at you over time.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:07 PM, December 14th (Monday)]

So your D-day one is nine years ago. I know it takes time to heal and I'm not trying to take your wife's side that it's "time to move on". You heal on your own timeline. Have you been doing therapy? It sounds like you have been open with your wife. She should be patient with you. Not say it's time to move on. She should be trying to do what she can to help you heal.

"Did he get her pregnant?"

Only she can answer that.

"Do you think she was cheating the whole time from fall 2002 to Spring 2003?"

This is part of why trickle truth is so damaging and problematic. It's entirely possible.

"Could she fell in love with the guy over this long period of time or was it just booty calls?"

Either is possible. Some people fall in love during their A, others don't.

"Was his sex better? Was he bigger? Does she think about him or did she think about him frequently during cheating?"

To start with, it's a little unfair to compare normal sex to "forbidden fruit" sex. More broadly, most people have sexual experience outside their marriage (I know maybe different since you were high school sweethearts). Generally speaking, you can drive yourself crazy with these kinds of comparative "am I the best they ever had?" questions. She probably still thinks of him on occasion. It's the nature of fantasy...

"Is it okay to want All the details?"

You decide what you need. Some people need all the details to forgive and heal. Some don't.

Advocate for what you need.

I understand your need for the truth.

this happened years ago does not make it old news for

you found out recently.

your WW is lying.

time to tell WW she has to write a timeline of her cheating.

that you will schedule STD tests, polygraph test and a DNA

paternity test.

as to recover many BH have done so. though best you to do

of the above things first. better decisions are made when they

are based on facts.

also being it was a small town and many people know it is

best that you move far away to help you reduce having

triggers.

Hi Diggity11, welcome, and sorry you find yourself here.

I have to say, when I read through your first few paragraphs, it was almost a copy of my relationship with my WW. Both HS sweethearts, both our first and only sexual partners, etc. We started dating in 1996, married in 2004, first and only child in 2006.

My dday was July 28, 2015. I learned of her recent PA by snooping on her tablet, found one email that couldn’t be misinterpreted, then found the video she sent him. Ironically, reading the words my wife sent this guy spelled it all out, but for some reason, it didn’t register with me.....until I saw the video, I couldn’t ignore that! When I confronted her, she admitted to a ONS prior to marriage, while I was away for the weekend. We fought, ironically, about my lack of commitment.

Anyway, you obviously feel you don’t have all the details. I felt and still do feel like I don’t have all the details either. It took 3 years and threats of divorce for my WW to come clean with me. This TT, over 3 years ,was exhausting.

After dday, my WW had answers for everything, except, things just didn’t make sense to me. What she was telling me didn’t align with what little evidence I had. Guess what!! I was right, there was more, there always is.

I can tell you that no matter how much time passes, these unknowns will eat at you. They probably have been since you found out. I wanted to believe my WW, I wanted to kill her AP, I wanted things to go back to “normal”.

As I got more educated (thanks to SI and other forums), I began to grow a spine and wouldn’t let things go. I asked her the same questions over and over again. She maintained her story but she finally realized I wasn’t moving on, so she let out more truths over the next couple years.

I would suggest a polygraph. Your WW might come back at you with a bunch of reasons why it’s not needed, she might gaslight you, deflect, etc., but this is really the only way we as BS’s have to verify our cheating partners story. Many folks go this route and end up with a parking lot confession, or a confession to the polygraph examiner. Regardless, it can be a good tool to get to the truth. The fact your WW’s story doesn’t match what you have been told is not uncommon. WS’s minimize and withhold information to “save you more pain”, which is total BS, it’s all a means of controlling the situation. My WW was deathly afraid of all the truth coming out and that I would have left her, so she made the choices to withhold info that I wanted and needed.

I realize it is a long time ago, similar to my situation, but this is the type of thing that doesn’t go away. If your WW is confident that she is telling you the truth, she should have no issues taking a polygraph. In fact, she should be enthusiastic about “clearing her name”, but I doubt this will be the case.

I suspect she would say “haven’t we moved on from this”, “I’ve told you everything, why do you keep digging up the past”.

Your story was painful to read, brother.

If you want the truth she has to believe that she'll lose you if she doesn't come clean. But that won't happen unless you being ready to leave is a reality.

Where do you mentally stand on the possibility of being single again as a result of her continued lies?

Well said GoldenR, very valid point.

There’s only one way you two can get out of this “intimacy gap”, that Thumus coined, is for her to be very intimately honest with you. If she throws herself on the alter of truth, makes herself vulnerable-naked, to you and the possible consequences, this is the offering she must make to please the gods of insatiable human curiosity. You will never stop wondering. I don’t care how mature, enlightened and sophisticated you are, you’re appetite for the truth will never relent. There should never be secrets between husband and wife. It causes an enormous “Intimacy Gap”. It causes resentment. It detaches you. Your love and trust for each other should be so true, that she should feel safe and compelled to confide in you-her best and most trusted friend, the details and the why’s of what happened. If handled correctly, it can bring you closer together, in time. This will give you both, both of you, peace.

She is withholding the truth, trickle truthing because she’s afraid of the consequences. Counter this by explaining the consequences of NOT telling you the truth. She has to boldly shed a bright light on every aspect of this affair. Any dark corner that is not illuminated, your mind will place monsters there. The things you fear most. If she wants you “to get over this”, SHE has to get you over this. She has to do it with full disclosure, loving patience, and acceptance of the risk of losing you in the process. Because your mental well-being should be more important than her selfish desire to not lose you. This is a loving selfless sacrifice. She needs to care more about you and your needs than the prospect of losing you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:43 PM, December 14th (Monday)]

11

I just look at her differently, don’t want to touch her or be intimate with her.

That is a significant statement, how long has that been going on?

A BS has 2 main sets of tasks to recover from being cheated on.

the frst is to process the feelings of anger, shame, grief, and fear that come with being betrayed. You've written about shame (living in a small town) and fear (was he better than you in bed) explicitly. I don't think you've gotten very far at processing your feelings.

The second is to decide what to do with your M. IMO, it's pretty hard to make that decision until you've started processing the feelings.

I recommend finding a good IC to help you process the feelings.

Hint: the shame is your W2b's, and they always affair down, so in any comparison, well, there's no comparison between you and her ap.

-DNA the kids

-Get both you and her checked for STDs

-Tell her that this year her Christmas gift will be a polygraph to find out if she was knocked i upped by that scum and if there have been others and if she has told you the entire truth. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

-Throw out EVERYTHING that was owned during the time of her cheating!

- I would also suggest that you move from the small town, even if it is just to neighboring town!!!

Have you asked your oldest what they remember about the scumbag and their mother?

Ultimately, you will have to decide if her cheating on you is a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter if her cheating took place yesterday or 40 years ago.

As for the kids, it is better that they live with 2 divorced parents with 2 different homes, than all living under the same roof, where there is consistent tension and resentment between the parents. Kids, especially the 13 years olds, pick up on EVERYTHING!!! No matter how well you think you are hiding it, the kids will know. It is better to show them what a good healthy marriage is. It is better to show them how a man truly reacts to such disrespect and treachery!!!

No matter you decide, do what is best FOR YOU!

Your kids are 20 and 13. They are becoming more and more independent, and will rely on you and the cheater less and less.

Good luck, stay strong, and refuse to be disrespected!!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 1:38 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

Do not roll over man. I am not being all red/blue pill or anything but the reality is that if she never comes clean she will always have a reason to do something in the future because "I never came clean anyways" (-type reasoning) and she'll likely act on it in the future. Rug sweeping will end with you in intense pain. Ask me how I know...better yet, don't and just trust me.

Stick to your guns and expose the truth.

I really appreciate you guys help. I am still undecided about getting divorce or staying. Not knowing everything and her not telling the truth drives me crazy. It has not got much better over time. This happen along time ago but I want to know details, timeline and the truth. I did bring up getting a polygraph to Prove it but she gets mad about it as she says she has told me the truth and there is nothing more. I may have to push this more. Some of the things I mention to her such As giving oral sex, using no condoms, sex more than a couple of times, communication between each other longer than what I was told. I know for 100 percent fact from a reliable source. I am sure there are other people who knows everything so why can’t I? I would rather hear it from her than someone else.

At times I think to myself, what if I messed around with different girls (we were high school sweethearts so I didn’t get the chance to have a lot of partners or that experience as a typical college kid would had) would it make it easier for me to forgive. My college teammates was encouraging me to fool around, saying your girl back home would never know. Again being very successful in football, athletic And Being a nice guy I had opportunities but shot it all down. She thought I was cheating in college because I was hanging out with the fellas when I came back home on some weekends. I can see why she thought that. The AP was convincing her that I was cheating on her as he I am sure just wanted one thing.

I feel robbed as I didn’t get the chance to find this out years ago so I can make the decision then .

1 - It's a big deal because if you knew she was cheating you may not have married her.

Therefore, her deceit robbed you of your right to make an informed decision regarding who you ask to be your life partner.

By withholding details she is still robbing you of your right to make a decision to R or D. And you can't forgive or heal until you know what she did.

2 - She's not fully cooperating because she does not believe you will divorce her.

Until she believes you'll divorce her she will continue to lie, withhold, and minimize - and blame everyone but herself.

3 - You'd be surprised. Your friends and others will not think less of you.

Public exposure confronts a cheater with the reality of what they did. Until then - she got away with it.

BTW, from your post everyone already knows.

4- She cheated because she thought you were cheating. No just no.

Hey buddy, you are a lot like me. Putting everything into a timeline. Searching every memory for something "significant" to put the larger picture in perspective. Because we think, somehow by knowing everything, some grandiose understanding and peace will follow.

I'm 16 years later, and I'm as miserable as I was then. I have a better handle on my mind, but it is basically mush at this point. I unpack that terrible box and spread it all out. What a waste of my life this has been.

Sounds like your trying to understand if it was "that bad". I will right now answer that nagging question for you. YES, and judging by your post, it was actually unforgivable for you. And you know what? That's okay, you can't change who you are. Do you want to?

You and I both know, and I suspect everyone on this forum who has suffered long term with us, that the only thing that will cure this pain is leaving the person that caused it. if you stayed with your partner that cheated, you are by definition now a cuckold. So let's ponder how to be respectable people while being a cuckold? You can't, that's silly.

Hang in there for the kids, that's what I'm doing.

[This message edited by Indiana43 at 6:59 AM, December 21st (Monday)]

Robert222

I do believe the only way I can get her to tell all is to leave. However when she first told me years ago, I left for 2 days but missed my kids like crazy. If I knew this before we got married there would be no way I could have met her at the alter. Our marriage has been great and even before except for when I was in college. I mean in college it was still good as we spend time together, went out dates, laugh, spend time with each other families. Even though we had good times, we did argue a lot during these times.

I hate the fact she cheating with a guy I know personally. His friends and I are not friends but acquaintances. I can remember during my college years the guy she cheated with me and I and other people played pool together in a bar. As guys being 19-22 years old we would share sex stories but more so other guys as they were living the single life.

Indiana43

Sounds like you are in Similar situation. I do think often about it and try to remember things in the past, signs I missed etc. I do want a timeline with details. Things I want to know is when did it start and end. How many times did they have sex? Could he been the father of the baby that she miscarriage? Did they have sex in the bed? Did they go on dates? Did she love him? I wouldn’t mind getting a polygraph test too.

The story I got from my reliable source and wife doesn’t match. I haven’t told my source to my wife but told her what I found but she denies it. So I know she is not telling the truth.

Diggity

What has your wife done to help you heal?

Has she actually read books?

Has she gone on forums like this?

I do think often about it and try to remember things in the past, signs I missed etc. I do want a timeline with details. Things I want to know is when did it start and end. How many times did they have sex? Could he been the father of the baby that she miscarriage? Did they have sex in the bed? Did they go on dates? Did she love him? I wouldn’t mind getting a polygraph test too.

The only way you can find this information out is by.

1. DNA test.

2. Timeline.

3. Poly test.

I highly suggest you get yourself into a therapist that specializes in infidelity to help you walk through confrontation. As well as to help you with more Ddays

I second Bignoob's advice.

Your wife doesn't seem to want to allow you access to any honesty or truth.

I would jump straight to the polygraph, but really really think about your questions.

I've gotten 24some questions after a couple of months that I intend to ask her, writing them down as they come to me, even paced as to make it hard to lie about it and a trick question that's not too obvious.

These are due to be asked of my WW's AP who's cooperating sorta, kinda.

But a poly is an option afterwards.