SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Punishment? She is a grown woman and an adult. Restitution yes. Remorse She better have. Guilt , I hope for awhile. Otherwise divorce is a consequence. As for telling the kids. People seem to have this idea that kids are indestructible and that they will rebound from anything. My wife’s siblings are a lot older than she is so most of thier kids are around my age. When some of my wife’s siblings had affairs I got to see first hand what happens when kids get told about infidelity. It was a shitshow. Later in life when they got in thier 40s I had a conversation with one. And he told me straight up it was when he started drinking and doing drugs , he went through a very rough patch. For me hearing how he reacted to that trauma made me very cognizant of what we tell our kids. If they ask then I think yes they need to know. But we shielded our kids. I didn’t blow up in the house. I kept my cool and acted very much like it was business as usual.and to this day they don’t know. We acted like parents in front of them. You are the parent. Hopefully you know your kids. But if you make the decision to tell them then make sure it’s not to serve you but to serve them. This decision will change them forever. And it may not be for the better. Fucking your children up is just another consequence of infidelity. Waywards have a hard time with the long game. Like the grams on Dowton Abbey said”Marriage is a loooong business”. Decisions you make today will have consequences far into the future. Make sure you weigh them carefully when it comes to your children. Emotions are flying and as a guy I get the justice aspect. It took me a long time to accept there is no justice in infidelity. Just don’t punish your children for your wife’s crime. Make sure you tell them for the right reasons not your vision of justice. It takes a lot of time to gain perspective on our decisions following a trauma like infidelity

I disagree with Bigger. Just get over it - is the worst thing you can say to a betrayed.

If a betrayed was able to do that - they would.

Clearly the poster is struggling and came here for ideas and suggestions to help fully heal. Actively seeking support is a step in the right direction.

FWIW I did not “get over” my H’s affair, his intent to D me, his ability to blame me for his unhappiness and his utter disrespect during his affair. I just learned to accept it and understand it. Though we are happily reconciled — “get over it” is not how I describe my healing.

It’s choosing to not let his poor choices continue to affect my happiness or negatively affect me.

Woah!

The1stWife:

Could you please point out where I even remotely suggest the OP “just get over it”?

I think that would be the worst advice offered here on SI and take it seriously that you insist I offered that advice.

Bigger,

It was a ONS 12 years ago and she told you about it. Get over it. Stop punishing her. Yes – it was definitely wrong, but it was only one time.

This is from your post on page 1 of this thread.

punishment has no place in recovery.

making amends, restitution, providing just compensation are

part of recovery.

requiring that your WW provides you with a divorce because

the she killed the old marriage is needed for you to continue

recovery is fair.

also the children need to be told so they will learn the reason

why their dad has not been right and that his behavior had

nothing to do with them being the cause.

In context:

I’m not suggesting they will approve of her affair or give her high-fives, but I’m guessing they would respond in the way nearly ALL those that haven’t experienced infidelity first-hand do:

It was a ONS 12 years ago and she told you about it. Get over it. Stop punishing her. Yes – it was definitely wrong, but it was only one time.

I'm suggesting how his kids will respond to show how telling them will not be the "punishment" he's expecting. It's VERY cleat that it's not what I think - seeing as I am not one of those that haven't experienced infidelity first hand.

Once again: WHERE DO I SUGGEST THE POSTER JUST GET'S OVER IT?

HFSSC, I read that same quote as well. Good eyes and a good

memory are priceless.

what an appropriate punishment would be for my WW

I can answer this question in one word: remorse

I have always drawn the connection between infidelity and the passages in the Harry Potter series where Dumbledore is 100% convinced that Snape has changed his ways and is now on the "good side." The audience eventually learned that Snape experienced remorse, something so powerful that it literally caused his patronus to change forms. What Rowling described for her character was remorse.

If it works for Snape, then it will work for your WW.

Post-nup guarantees NOTHING in most states!!!!!! D guarantees exactly what you agreed to.

I've come to the suggested punishments of: 1) A divorce (still stay together, still be in a relationship) as the divorce officially terminates the marriage.

I did exactly this. It is not "punishment", it is a form of justice and there is a big difference. I agreed with my fWW to commit to a future relationship, just not as along as it had to be built on the existing terribly broken legal M and all the trauma and horrible triggers that the existing M provided.

If your WW is willing to agree to your settlement needs, and you are in a state or country that makes that possible, and you want to do it as a part of a new beginning, just know you are not alone and know that it is a reasonable approach that has been done successfully. Pre-nup provides no guarantees in most jurisdictions D that is finalized in the courts is at least a sure thing to move forward from. If it is what you thing may work for you, know that it is not an unreasonable potential.

I suggest you get out of the "punishment" mindset and consider something closer to what you feel is justice. Of course, when cheaters do their thing, and you choose to stay connected and in search of R, real justice is not likely possible. Bust still, as a concept, justice is far better than punishment. I wish you well.

[This message edited by DIFM at 9:03 AM, February 4th, 2021 (Thursday)]

Read Biggers whole paragraph. He is commenting on how someone (poster's children) might react who has never experienced infidelity.

He is not saying the poster should just get over it.

Thank you go those that posted Bigger’s quote. I’m not the only person that read this and interpreted the same meaning.

Those are very triggering words. Anyone here at SI knows that. Perhaps the word choice could have been different but using those specific words are very dangerous here.

Let’s move on from this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:21 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Lets be fair here. Some are being very disingenuous. I read Bigger's post on page one. He's clearly telling the OP that his children when informed about their mother's infidelity may respond as many do who have never experienced infidelity. He is NOT telling the OP to just get over it. Sheesh!

[This message edited by fareast at 9:29 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Gutpunch33

I tend to be a justice/law like person

I can so identify with this frame of mind.

He thinks you can have a justice viewpoint or a mercy viewpoint and I seem to lean heavily towards justice

I agree with both of these frames of mind in different circumstances.

Is there any BS on this site that hadn't wanted at least a pound of flesh for what was done to them and their family?

I know that I wanted at least a pound of flesh from both my ExWW and former best friend.

The mercy frame of mind was directed to their son that was a result of their A. I didn't want him to suffer in any way because of what his parents had done.

So Monday he asked me "what would be an appropriate punishment for my WW

I agree that there may be an appropriate punishment but I can tell you that, from my point of view, there will never be justice when still with your WW. Things will get better but justice you shall not receive IMHO.

My former best friend and ExWW and their son were living together for less than a month when she caught him cheating with the wife of another friend.

She and her son moved in with her parents which ultimately led her father to have a disabling stroke from which he never recovered.

My former friend died of cancer and my ExWW went off the deep end. Dropped her son off with my GF, now wife, and left stating "he always wanted a son so he can have mine."

She dropped off the grid and to my knowledge no one has seen her since.

The State got involved and took the child who was adopted by my former friend's parents. He is surrounded by his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who all love him.

I don't know if you can call it justice but I met and married my wife and she has given me wonder children and I am happy having my family.

Fooled13years

You are to be commended for your actions. Taking in the child was not easy (I’m sure) but you did it anyway.

I can think of a few "punishments," although I'm not sure the word is truly applicable when it comes to infidelity.

I don't trust you.

I have no faith in in this marriage.

I no longer believe anything you say.

I'm not entirely sure I love you anymore.

I will not be married to a cheater.

Oh! And let's not forget a little unhinged rage while we're at it!

I believe that infidelity is self-destructive. The first person a wayward betrays is himself. One SI member described it as pouring gasoline all over herself, lighting a match and giving her husband a hug.

They blow-up their own lives and we, the betrayed, are but the collateral damage.

And it's not just us, the spouses, who are betrayed. Infidelity often occurs in the work-place, jeopardizing careers and the success of the company or institution. It often involves members of close friends or family friends, compounding the betrayal and multiplying the damage.

It took me years to finally get past my own pain and see what my wife had done to herself. And I don't think I'm too far or behind on that bell curve, either. It takes most people, it seems to me, years to heal enough to see what infidelity does to the wayward.

So, while I think your IC's question is a good one, I also think he was trying to get you see to it all in a different light. You may very well come to a different conclusion and I can respect that, for truth be told, even years and years later, infidelity still baffles the shit out of me because in the end, to me, it still doesn't make any sense at all.

Well, thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses (and the sarcasm, love the sarcasm of this group). I have appreciated the crowd sourced wisdom of SI for a long time now. And, I love the Harry Potter reference...

I know there isn't really any justice or punishment that fits. I do believe this is a therapy exercise meant to pull that out of me.

I am however, strongly considering that it's time to tell the kids. Maybe this fall when we can all be in the same place together. Plus, it gives me/us some time to work with the new therapist and assess if working with him will pay off for me.

One of the most recent developments in restarting my therapy is that I have come to the realization that I know the "highlights" of the incident, but have glossed over most of it. I think that was me trying to limit the damage and avoid a real hard look at my WW's actions. If I could skim over the details, it kept me from having to face the harsh reality that it was a deal killer for me and that D is necessary. I wasn't willing to be a part time Dad, so suppression was my friend because it bought me time to until the kids are all grown. The youngest heads to college in August and now I'm faced with an empty nest. So, now is the time to really dig in to the details and determine what's next.

I have to also say that I believe my WW has spun it enough to where she desperately wants to view herself as a victim in this story too. And, wants me to see her as one too. That's easier to accept in many ways. The issue is, the facts that I do know don't match up. I can't see where she was a victim, in fact, I see her as the pursuer. So, I've have put together a very comprehensive set of questions that with the help of the therapist, she is going to answer that takes me from the very early steps of the infidelity through the end of it. I'm hoping against hope that in doing so, I can get a better understanding of her perspective. I don't know, maybe it will help both of us. Or maybe it spells then end. Either way, I'm making my piece more and more with letting go of the outcome. Something I've heard preached on this website for over 8 years now.

One of the 'causes' of therapy is that we can hold multiple conflicting ideas in our head about the same phenomena. If the conflict bothers you, therapy can resolve the conflict in one's head.

For example, a BS can experience these conflicts: how can I love someone who has betrayed me? How can I stay with someone who has betrayed me? Am I acting in my own best interests by staying and loving, or am I selling myself out?

If that's what's going on in your head, a good IC can help resolve the internal conflict by setting you on the path you really want.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:49 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

My apologies, Bigger. I had my 2nd COVID vaccine yesterday and I am not at my best today. I missed the colon preceding the part that I quoted. I will say, in my defense, that had I seen quotation marks around that statement I think it would have been more clear to me.

GutP. I understand what you are saying. You made decisions at the time that you did — but maybe were not the best long term.

My H was very happy to let me believe the OW started the affair. Until she sent me the emails between them and I saw the truth. He did pursue her. He was not blameless in any of this and it happened because he made it happen.

That info came to light about 2 months after Dday2. It almost pushed me over the edge.

I just don’t understand WHY the cheaters continue to dig themselves into a deeper hole. And continue to lie after the betrayed has figured things out.

I understand your frustration that your wife tries to portray herself as a victim. She’s not. Never will be. I’m sorry she doesn’t understand that.

I don’t think you should tell your kids. They have their own lives and problems. If you need to vent or lean on someone choose your therapist or friends for that.