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This post may contain triggers for some, so please don’t read if you have PSTD from violence or abuse.

After my WS confessed on his own that he was having a 3.5 year affair, he snapped in the days/weeks/months to follow. That’s not to say he has not always had a temper on him. He always snapped easy and had problems in our marriage before children.

When he drank, he would be violent. I was never punched or slapped etc, but I was grabbed by the throat, I was dragged off the couch when I was holding our child as a baby, I was shoved up against walls.

Once he realized I was going to l leave, he became more crazy and controlling. Followed me, stalked my phone...treated me as if I was the one cheating. My children witnessed 2 events in which things got physical. One event my oldest called the police and my parents came and picked us up at the house.

He’s was in IC for about a year and it’s helped a lot, but there is still a part that looses control specifically when it comes to the kids. I’m all for yelling and discipline....but feel he goes a but overboard and ends up scaring them instead of disciplining because the yelling lasts longer then just a discipline yell...if that makes any sense. I think he forgets what they witnessed and why they get scared even if the outbursts don’t happen very often anymore.

I feel like I am not only trying to heal myself but my children and the guilt of not protecting them is on my head.

The OW never saw this side. Assume that life was so easy that way..there were no kids...no stress...just easy street. All while I was at home raising 3 children.

I really have no one else to talk to so I’m sitting here with it all bottled up inside. I know he’s trying and has come a very long way....but I don’t want my kids afraid. Maybe they need IC or family therapy needs to open. Or maybe I need to talk to them about it. It happened 2018 and I haven’t talked about it with them. I see now that it affected them and I did a rug sweep

Any advice n how to talk about and approach an even that toon place in 2018? My guess is.....his anger outbursts are triggers for them.

[This message edited by WanttToBeHappy at 11:59 AM, February 11th (Thursday)]

You need counseling.

Call domestic abuse hotline in your area. Immediately. Speak to people trained for these types of situations.

I’m saying prayers for you and your family.

We are all safe. :) I promise.

Everything I mentioned was in the past....

He yells and I think it’s a trigger for the kids when we faced the mess years ago. I rug swept the kids and how they were affected by it all.

I just didn’t take into consideration that the kids would have triggers too.

We all would like nothing more than to forget it all.

I just didn’t take into consideration that the kids would have triggers too.

We all would like nothing more than to forget it all.

Your kids really need to get into therapy IMHO. Witnessing abuse is incredibly traumatic for children. And aside from being traumatizing, it is also modeling really unhealthy relationship dynamics. My two stepdads were abusive, and I can't help but think (with the benefit of hindsight of course) that I put up with a lot more from my xwh than I should have in part because I had NO idea what a healthy relationship looked like. Some of the things my xwh did and said made me feel so crazy and it is only with therapy that I was able to start tracing my reactions back to trauma from my childhood.

None of you will ever forget it, as much as I am sure you wish you could.

And moreso than you and the kids getting into therapy - your wh needs to as well. Him flying off the handle with your kids, especially after what they've witnessed, is unacceptable. Just my 0.02.

there is still a part that looses control specifically when it comes to the kids. I’m all for yelling and discipline....but feel he goes a but overboard and ends up scaring them instead of disciplining

As long as he is still doing this, he shouldn't be in the home. The children need to feel safe and secure and they can't do that as long as he is there in his current state. He needs to move and the kids need to go to IC asap.

I know what it's like to be a child who has experienced this and nobody thinking of the affect it had on me. I'm 53 years old and I can still close my eyes and remember the fear I felt when my dad lost control. It's a horrible feeling. It's also a horrible feeling tip toeing around your father feeling like you never know what is going to set him off and unleash the monster.

I'm sorry, but your kids should come first before your WH. Protect them.

Yelling can be a form of abuse, especially if it's causing fear and anxiety. It's manipulative. I grew up with an angry, raging father. He was never physically abusive but would yell for no apparent reason.

Everything I mentioned was in the past....

It's not in the past if it's affecting things in the present. Please get your kids into counseling.

There's no reason to yell at children, unless they are about to run into traffic. Parenting should be done from a place of control and calm. Nothing children do, aside from something imminently unsafe, requires emotional abuse. Logical consequences, clear boundaries, communication and positive reinforcement make for well-behaved, responsible kids.

As a former physical abuser - he should be making efforts to make the children feel safe - that he continues to frighten them with his tone, volume or demeanor tells me he's nothing more than the DV equivalent of a dry drunk.

Abusers rarely change because it comes from a belief system not a genuine loss of control - they feel entitled to abuse, control and frighten their families. Please get away from this person for your children's sakes.

You need therapy. Your kids need therapy.

There should be absolutely no more yelling by him.

He once abused by losing control, yelling it the top of that slippery slope for him.

You need to honestly re-evaluate your reasons for staying in this situation and the damage it may be causing your kids. I think you are still rugsweeping the situation to a degree.

There is no excuse, and no tolerance for abuse of any kind. Please get yourself and your kids help.

I am heading back to IC soon.

And we did finally talk about this. Yelling and from the kids POV of how that is upsetting. A discipline yell is just that...a 1 min yell or get in trouble and then move on. I just feel like it gets dragged on...and with the past anger issues, it does make me nervous. And I know they get nervous...even if it doesn’t happen often. It’s like ok...I get why they r in trouble, but yell and move on. Not keep going. That’s not good for anyone.

R is not only myself but entire family is NOT easy. You simply don’t start fresh as they say needs to be done. There is a past. There r memories...there is that thought that you know exactly what that person is capable of. That year was a rough year. I was pretty absent. He lost his mind....it was hard and hurtful on us all. I think he forgets we ALL need to heal. I forget that also.

Marriage therapist did recommend family therapy also...so I understand where you all say that.

No. There is no "yell and move on." You may move on. He may move on. The children live in fear.

Dday was 2 years ago. His violence happened after dday. 2 years ago is not that far in the past.

the yelling lasts longer then just a discipline yell

He is still abusive.

there is still a part that looses control specifically when it comes to the kids. I’m all for yelling and discipline....but feel he goes a but overboard and ends up scaring them

The abuse is not in the past. He is still abusive.

I agree, the kids need IC. But, at their age, it won't help much, because they are still living with an abuser. It would be like going to MC, and working on the marriage, while your spouse is in an affair. It won't help, because the biggest issue is still present.

He should not be yelling. PERIOD.

WTBH, I want you to understand that kids are LESS equipped to deal with trauma than adults. There is no such thing as "moving on" to them. Every yelling session is a potential blow up that could involve violence. And why wouldn't they think that? It's happened before. It could happen again. That's why ALL yelling needs to stop immediately. They need to heal and move on which they can't do when every day is potential crisis and violence is just around the corner.

Stop justifying it. I think there's a reason why you keep feeling guilty despite also thinking that he has improved. The threat to them is still present so please acknowledge that. Please demand better for them. YOU are the only adult and advocate that they have. If he won't stop, you need to go to bat for them and make him stop. Either he stops or he leaves until he can stop. And keep on him about it. Don't accept lip service from him. Your kids deserve that. They need that. Please do it for them.

I also want to say - IC is a great step for all of you. But just know that the IC may also make some of the hard suggestions that we are too. The IC may also advocate for him to recover outside of the home. So he ready to hear more of the same and be ready to make the hard choices if he refuses to stop creating a toxic environment for the kids.

Jumping on the train to affirm all those here who say he is abusive. Yelling is abusive, period.

Just curious, did you grow up in a household where there was abuse? Yelling, threatening, etc. Because somewhere you learned that adults can behave that way, and it's OK. We're all telling you, it's not.

As someone already said, children watching abuse is traumatic - they will have PTSD. And they will think that it's OK when they become adults to either dish it out, or take it themselves.

If I were a kid who witnessed abusive behavior between my parents, and the one being abused didn't intervene to protect me from witnessing that, I'd be pissed as hell at that parent who didn't get the abuser out of there.

You seem to justify the abuse by saying you weren't punched or slapped. It isn't an issue of a slippery slope - grabbed, and dragged, and shoved are just as harmful as being punched or slapped. It's ultimately about domination, and he is controlling you, and continues to by yelling. Please read this twice: kids do NOT deserve to be yelled at, unless it's a matter of their immediate physical safety.

And yes, his outbursts ARE triggers for them, and they are experiencing trauma as a result.

Just because you or your children don’t have bruises doesn’t mean it’s not abuse,

Abuse isn’t black & white,

Abuse is delivered in many different ways,

Physical Abuse,

Sexual Abuse,

Psychological Abuse,

Verbal Abuse,

Emotional Abuse,

It’s still Abuse!!!

Yelling is not ok, it's a form of intimidation and abuse.

You can tell yourself

We are all safe. :) I promise.

Everything I mentioned was in the past....

as much as you want, but your children dont FEEL safe.

It breaks my heart to read,your child had to call the police, this is so traumatizing.

Grabbing by the throat and everything you describe done to you is terrible and not acceptable. The message you send to your children is: abuse is OK. It's just not.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, I was never physically abused and don't understand every situation people get into, we have different levels of tolerance for everything, but yelling for me is unacceptable, if he needs some form of pressure reliev, he should go running or doing pushups.

Please make sure you and your children are safe, this can escalate quickly. It's not in the past, sorr...

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 3:09 AM, February 12th (Friday)]

He is abusive. Full stop. You and your kids shouldn’t experience any of that. Been there myself, not cool.

I was going to address the yelling at kids in general part but not worth it.

What is good about your WS that makes you willing to stay with him?

Please listen to the advice you have been given.

I am 55 years old and still can't handle being around yelling. I may look fine on the outside but I am a mess on the inside. You can't imagine the long term consequences living with uncontrolled anger and yelling has. It is not ok.

You can be calm without yelling and parent with consequences.

Please get the kids into counseling as soon as possible.

Wishing you the best.

Everything I mentioned was in the past....

To a damaged child (well and adult), there is no differentiating that 'this was in the past'. With every yell they don't think "Oh he will never do that again", they think "Oh no, is he going to lose it again". They are just in limbo waiting for the next time.

My dad hit my mom over 40 years ago and in my head I know that is what he is capable of. EVEN if there was no episode since then. FOURTY YEARS.

Lastly, your relationship is the example of what a marriage looks like to your children. That ultimately was my lightbulb moment. I didn't want my M to be what my children went looking for in a spouse.