SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish there was a like button so I could remember all of the amazing posts and refer back to them right now. But I’ve read them in a bits and pieces throughout the day and can’t.

The bottom line is if the WS is just going through the motions and losing weight or getting fit for the BS to “like or love” them again - it’s not going to last and it is not a healthy mindset for the WS to have. Just like when I wanted my WS to send me a million texts or write me poems or any other of the 100s of things I wanted him to do after dday. It doesn’t work if it’s not genuine and it’s not healthy if he’s only doing it to get me back. Telling your spouse you must have bjs during red week, or you have to go the ballet they hate, whatever it is you require - none of that works long term in a healthy reconciliation.

We all have our own free will. If a WW chooses to get fit and healthy, she will. If she chooses to be heavy, she can do that too. If the BS doesn’t like it, he can use his words respectfully and then leave. If anyone is in a sexless marriage and is unhappy, use your words - talk to your spouse respectfully - tell them it’s not working and then exert your own free will and leave.

In my opinion, a marriage should be about two people working together for a common goal. You are a team, rooting each other on, not worried about keeping score or who did the dishes, etc. None of us who were cheated on can ever make that go away. No amount of fit bodies, bjs, sex, dinners, jewelry, love songs, poetry, vacations, etc will take it away. It happened. If we choose to reconcile - at some point, we have to let it go and stop consuming ourselves with what we did or didn’t get during the past or we are only taking away from our present and our future. It’s easy for me to say this now - coming up on my 5 year dday anniversary. I don’t know how long it’s been for you, Oldtruck. But at some point, maybe after 3 years? 4? If you are still worried about what the AP got that you didn’t - it might be time to worry instead about if reconciliation is really what you want.

Guess who has gotten daily red week blowjobs since d day?

This just might be the most revolting, insulting statement I've ever read here. Congratulations.

Oldtruck, all of your examples would indicate to me that the WS is not remorseful and therefore not conducive to R. All of the women on this thread have conceded this point ad nauseum. And we have all agreed that rebuilding a M after infidelity requires effort.

What you apparently refuse to accept is that a woman's bodily autonomy supersedes any real or imagined claim for damages sustained by the BH. (Because it is ALWAYS a BH in these threads) I don't care how many alternative scenarios you come up with, substituting cake or steak or trips you could take. None of those will ever satisfy the answer to the underlying question because none of us are ever going to say, "Oh, yes! That's so the magic analogy that makes it justifiable for you to expect your WW to give you 'red week blow jobs' or anal or swallow or work out at the gym to get that fit little body back for you."

I know a good part of the story for each woman who has posted here. Most of us have survived some sort of childhood abuse; likely sexual abuse. We've lived through childhoods that taught us all the wrong things about femininity and being a woman. We've spent years of Our lives trying to figure out who we are and make peace with that. Fighting with our bodies, trying to be the right weight, the right shape. And by damn, now I've had COVID and I can't walk a tenth of a mile so if my H had a need for me to get to the gym he would be shit. Out. Of. Luck.

The reason I posted that novel earlier in the thread was so I could make this point. It's not just the "feminazis" as someone so eloquently posted. I am a very conservative woman in a biblical Christian M. But in that same M is my H who would never ask or expect anything from me that makes me uncomfortable. Because he loves me unconditionally and there is nothing he could desire that would be worth taking me back to a place where I was so horrifically broken.

There is no fair or just compensation for sexual betrayal. None. And if a person cannot let go of the idea that it exists, he or she, as I said earlier, is just riding an endless loop of expectation, disappointment and resentment. Which builds more expectation leading to disappointment and resentment. Isn't it exhausting?

For me it is the chemistry that I feel with the woman. That is the important ingredient.

For me it is the chemistry that I feel with the woman. That is the important ingredient.

I believe the chemistry between two people is what matters - not whether they are overweight, etc.

This just might be the most revolting, insulting statement I've ever read here.

I will not debate this.

Though this was a WW that gave into her alpha OM that she

do this one act whenever her friend Flo would visit.

This is a BH that saw how his WW responded to being treated

by an alpha male. BH just decided to show his WW that he is

just as alpha as her OM is and he will be getting the same

treatment when Flo shows up. His WW confused her BH

being a beta male because he would accept sex only 3 weeks

a month instead of 4 weeks. When he was just being

considerate.

Yes it was his WW's body. Her choice whether to take care

of his need to be taken care of every 4th week and recover

or divorce her BH.

I guess that WW gave in because she felt she did not have a

leg to stand on in her defense. Though she had 2 knees.

Going out to restaurants, trips, are all over rated.

Honey (BH) I (WW) know this first hand. Believe me

we do not need to do these things.

BH why are you making me plan date nights, find fancy

restaurants, go on romantic trips. Are you trying to trigger

me and rub my affair with the OM in my face?

BH how ridiculous, immature you are by behaving, insisting,

I plan date nights, go to nice restaurants, go on romantic

trips with you just because I did those things with my OM.

Do you think that means I have to do them with you?

BH stop being unreasonable. Stop acting like a child.

Can we put away the weight and gym issue and address this

quote and just compensation?

And for those that did not read it before my wife never had a

weight issue and she goes to the gym for herself.

Yes the title says Weight. I seized on to that issue to open up

the discussion on just compensation. Not to limit the

discussion of just compensation.

BW why are you making me plan date nights, find fancy

restaurants, go on romantic trips. Are you trying to trigger

me and rub my affair with the OW in my face?

BW how ridiculous, immature you are by behaving, insisting,

I plan date nights, go to nice restaurants, go on romantic

trips with you just because I did those things with my OW.

Do you think that means I have to do them with you?

BW stop being unreasonable. Stop acting like a child.

Again, it's forcing WS to do something that the WS does not want to do. Which like many other posters have stated will led to resement. Why force this issue??

If a WS cannot do those thing willing, there is no R.

[This message edited by jadedangel at 8:11 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Old truck, you don't get to start this off talking about physical features you can "overlook" on women and talking extensively about weight and the gym and then say please, can we put this issue of weight and the gym away and address just compensation? LOL forever.

And y'all and your alpha-beta bullshit. Jesus. If you hate your wives that much, divorce them.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:11 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Again, it's forcing WS to do something that the WS does not do. Which like many other posters have stated will led to resement.

If a WS cannot do those thing willing, there is no R.

Right

I've said this before, but I find it chilling that some (not all!) BH on this site WANT sex acts that their WW aren't enthusiastically wanting to do. Do y'all WANT the full menu IF it's given begrudgingly? I can COMPLETELY (remember, I AM a BS) understand WHY you want what the OM was given. But do you really want daily BJs from someone who hates every second of it? Not all marriages are reconciliation material.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:23 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Though this was a WW that gave into her alpha OM that she

do this one act whenever her friend Flo would visit.

This is a BH that saw how his WW responded to being treated

by an alpha male. BH just decided to show his WW that he is

just as alpha as her OM is and he will be getting the same

treatment when Flo shows up. His WW confused her BH

being a beta male because he would accept sex only 3 weeks

a month instead of 4 weeks. When he was just being

considerate.

Ya this, total bullshit.

First if all the AP isn't Alpha. He's a scumbag who knew how to feed the WW ego and give her the external validation she felt she needed and he knew he could ask for anything to keep those kibbles coming.

Yes he got blowjobs. What guy on the planet doesnt like getting his dick sucked? Tell me. so if he knew she would bend over backwards for him so he kept goving her what she believed she needed, why the hell not ask for that..

The entire interaction of an affair is fake and unhealthy and you want to bring that dynamic into your marriage?!?

Not creating a new solid loving relationship but a series of transactions to help stroke YOUR ego?

That's not a marriage, nor one thats sustainable.

Jadedangel, yes it works just the same for a BW. I tend to

write from the BH view because I am a male. Though because

I write that way does not mean that those words cannot be

applied to BW and WH as well.

Not all marriages are reconciliation material.

Agreed.

If I had to beg my exWH for the same attention that he willing gave to the OW then I might as well forget it. I'm sure he would have but it would have never been done with love to me.

That makes a big difference. And he could never make it equal because it never should have happened to begin with!! There would never be enough walks in the park, roses, attention that he could have ever given me because all of those moments had already been stolen by the OW.

And I still think there are underlying issues for a WS to not make the same effort to the BS. I just don't think they have really gotten to the "why" of it. Or they just don't care.

Though this was a WW that gave into her alpha OM that she

do this one act whenever her friend Flo would visit.

This is a BH that saw how his WW responded to being treated

by an alpha male. BH just decided to show his WW that he is

just as alpha as her OM is and he will be getting the same

treatment when Flo shows up. His WW confused her BH

being a beta male because he would accept sex only 3 weeks

a month instead of 4 weeks. When he was just being

considerate.

And, what I read is that if she has been doing this since dday, she has done this for him the 5 or 6 years he was cheating on her over the span of two different women.

So, when you take that into consideration, let's look at recompense, shall we?

I listened here on recompense. I did. I worked my freaking butt off. As you have stated OT, I couldn't "unfuck" the AP. But, I did every thing I could think of to help my husband know he is the most important man in my life, always has been, and to try and show him how sorry I was for ever forgetting that.

He cheated.

I would say Nothing I did really would make my cheating fair.

I would also say it didn't make it fair for him to turn around and have an affair that lasted 9 times longer with each week of that containing as much sex as was in my entire affair.

Is he compensated now? I don't think he is. Because there is really no such thing as providing enough compensation.

I will also say that if my husband suggested that I needed to now stay slim for him after my affair, it would be difficult for me to understand that as compensation. That would feel more to me like we were going to proceed in our marriage with him dictating terms that I would be unsure I would be able to meet over time.

Prior to my cheating, I had always had this underlying feeling that I wasn't loveable and I had to earn love. I hustled for love for so long that I just didn't think I would ever meet his expectations. I discovered after my affair that I was creating these expectations and kept piling on to them myself. These were not his - he just wanted me. This was a thought that helped me to heal - that I needed to stop making assumptions that I had to earn love. Being told that I need to stay slim wouldn't translate to me as compensation for my affair. It would represent that I was right all along that he didn't value me for me.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:35 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

I wonder just for some additional perspective, if posters would add theirs and their spouses BMI?

BMI Categories:

Underweight = <18.5

Normal weight = 18.5–24.9

Overweight = 25–29.9

Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

"Weight can affect a person's self-esteem. Excess weight is highly visible and evokes some powerful reactions, however unfairly, from other people and from the people who carry the excess weight. The amount of weight loss needed to improve your health may be much less than you wish to lose, when you consider how you evaluate your weight. Research has shown that your health can be greatly improved by a loss of 5–10 percent of your starting weight. That doesn't mean you have to stop there, but it does mean that an initial goal of losing 5–10 percent of your starting weight is both realistic and valuable."

Copied off the the Dept of Human Health (USA) web page.

from the livestrong web site:

The average adult male and female in the United States has a BMI of around 26.5

The average American having a BMI of 26.5 is overweight and needs to implement dietary changes and exercise to drop down to a healthy weight range.

For your own health - wouldn't you want to "be a healthy weight?"

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 8:40 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

For your own health - wouldn't you want to "be a healthy weight?"

Come on be honest. This thread isn't about being healthy.

Its about the BH expecting compensation and this just happens to be one of the ways they expect to get it.

Alpha male? He cheated on her for several years compared to her 3(6?) Months affair. He was cruel. He told her he was going to the OW on special occasions, as he was walking out the door. He repeatedly compared the other women to his wife, with his wife always on the losing end. He laughed at her pain, as he went off to get his dick wet. One of the women was a close friend of hers. He has said she took it because she knew he deserved it It was about as emotionally abusive as it gets.

And now, he has her on her knees every day,for a week, once a month.

Lord knows, that woman is praying for menopause.

I wonder how she is being "compensated"?

Alpha male? As BSR said, when I read these threads, I go hug my husband, and thank him for loving ME, not parts of me,and not treating me horribly. And my husband cheated. Lol

Dragnheart, the realty is that this BH needed this to recover.

His WW wanted to recover and she felt that complying with

her BH request was worth the price of not getting divorced.

Every thing in life is a trade off. For this WW to agree to

provide her BH with the service was no where as bad as where

she would be if she was divorced.

This BH needed this from his WW to get past her having sex

with her OM. It would never undo the sex his WW had the OM

though it was enough to make this BH accept what happened

and move on.

This couple made this deal because it was needed to prevent

divorce.

WW was a free agent she could of said F off this is my body

and let her BH divorce her. To this WW a couple BJ's every

4 weeks for her BH was worth it to not get divorced.

No different then this WW giving her OM those BJ's so he

would not end his PA with her. When comparing a PA with a

marriage a marriage is definitely worth more to preserve.

This BH whether you used the word: demand, ask, required

this service every 4th week does not matter for his WW was

free to refuse this request.

Everything has a cost and this WW found the price worth it

during her PA and marriage.

Because you would not provide this service if you had been

a WW and accept being divorced does not make it wrong

for this WW to accept it because she did not want to be

divorced.

No one can walk in this WW's shoes. For her no matter how

uncomfortable those shoes felt to her they were better than

walking barefoot across the gravel road that divorce would

of placed her.

hikingitout, it not a WW had an affair for 3 months and had

sex 10 times and then her BH now has a RA for 3 years and

had sex 100 times and they are even now.

It is not that to be even the WW has to have another PA for

2 years and 9 months and have sex 90 times with her OM to

be even.

The affair sex can never be undone.

Just compensation is what WW/WH have to provide the

BH/BW what they need to accept that the affair happened.

It can be acts of service, it can be sexual acts, it can be what

ever the BS needs. Maybe the WW did not keep a clean house

before her PA. BH feels and needs a spotless house. So

he tells his WW you had the time to have a PA with the OM.

So you can now use that time to make the house clean enough

to eat off of the floors.

Yes the WW can say I am not your housemaid, mother, slave

or whatever and accept her BH divorcing him.

Just compensation is what WW/WH have to provide the

BH/BW what they need to accept that the affair happened.

It can be acts of service, it can be sexual acts, it can be what

ever the BS needs. Maybe the WW did not keep a clean house

before her PA. BH feels and needs a spotless house. So

he tells his WW you had the time to have a PA with the OM.

So you can now use that time to make the house clean enough

to eat off of the floors.

This seems like some serious bullshit to me. A BS needs a clean house to get over the A, give me a break with this crap already.