SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hikingitout, re-read my post. Including the bolded part.

I meant that this WW could not make things even by

having another affair.

I did read your post. I understood you were saying that the original WS shouldn't cheat back. My response was to this first part:

hikingitout, it not a WW had an affair for 3 months and had

sex 10 times and then her BH now has a RA for 3 years and

had sex 100 times and they are even now.

I was saying that wasn't true. When my H cheated it didn't make us even. It made us way worse off.

Chocolate Cookie Dough Cheesecake

My Apologies. By all means, let the [ ] flow unfettered.

[This message edited by HFSSC at 11:59 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

HFSSC - Best. threadjack. EVER.

I'm fixing to gain some weight on that cheesecake and it'll be worth it.

I still feel that a transactional marriage isnt sustainable, will lead eventually to resentments, is just holding the affair over the waywards head constantly, not allowing the wayward to do the work necessary to be come a safe partner, is more fear and control based, and is used to provide external validation to the BS which will never be satisfied because ones worth comes from within.

Yes. Agree.

I think we have to separate the idea that the WS must prove themselves worthy during recovery before the BS puts any effort or decision towards Reconciliation.

But, when you start down the path of reconciliation it's with the health of the two individuals and the marriage in mind. It becomes about both people's needs and working on creating something new.

HFSSC

I just had coffee come out of my nose!

MY NOSE!!!!!

OMG....

Im going to screen shot that recipe. I meed some sweets right about now lol

Blow jobs and cooking after d-day?

I'm at that age where guess which I prefer...

You continue, despite warnings from the mods, to make huge, sweeping generalizations about other BH,WW,and marriages that are not your own.

You've also said your wife has always been thin, so this wasn't an issue for you.

So, instead of talking about what you assume happens in other marriages, before,and after, dday, let's discuss yours.

What did your wife do to compensate you? Is she still doing it? How long ago was her affair?

I think we have to separate the idea that the WS must prove themselves worthy during recovery before the BS puts any effort or decision towards Reconciliation.

But, when you start down the path of reconciliation it's with the health of the two individuals and the marriage in mind. It becomes about both people's needs and working on creating something new.

I agree. Theres a difference between the proving one self worthy of R and actually working at R.

But making that proving ones worthy feel more like punishment is how it feels when theres talk of compensation.

HFSSC, you just killed someone's R with that recipe.

HFSSC, you just killed someone's R with that recipe.

I hope I'm not the only one making this cheesecake this weekend!

Edited to add: I'll even share it with my WH

[This message edited by SadieMae at 10:48 AM, February 26th, 2021 (Friday)]

I sort of like Old Truck's short, even text lines. It's sort of like an extended form of free verse. Maybe even haiku.

I sort of like Old Truck's short, even text lines. It's sort of like an extended form of free verse. Maybe even haiku.

It makes my eyes squirrelly lol

We have trained our brains to read left to right with full sentences straight through. I have this issue with say playing a scratch crossword. My brain sees words written top to bottom and has a shit fit lol

Yet i cam read sentences backwards without any issues at all as long as its written left to right Or words missing letters, say all the vowels and still understand whats being said within the context of the sentence.

But making that proving ones worthy feel more like punishment is how it feels when theres talk of compensation.

100 percent agree.

There is a difference of the WS having natural consequences to their actions and actively punishing someone else.

I tend to think that punishing puts you in a parent/child relationship making the BS the authoritarian. It not only doesn't help the BS, it takes away opportunities for the WS to prove themselves. The BS is never going to feel the WS proved themselves if they had to tell them everything they needed to do.

Think about this in the example that seems to be near and dear to many a BH heart:

If you have to tell your WS to give you blow jobs 3 times a week, and they do just as prescribed, nothing further, is that going to be hollow for the BS? Is it really going to make the BS feel happy or are they going to associate all the times they get blow jobs with their spouses affair? Aren't you kind of turning that into even a worse thing? Empty blowjobs as a reminder of the affair?

Or would you like it better if the WS was authentically working with you to have a better relationship and having genuine concerns and care over your needs?

HFSSC you have a PM.

Alpha male? He cheated on her for several years compared to her 3(6?) Months affair. He was cruel. He told her he was going to the OW on special occasions, as he was walking out the door. He repeatedly compared the other women to his wife, with his wife always on the losing end. He laughed at her pain, as he went off to get his dick wet. One of the women was a close friend of hers. He has said she took it because she knew he deserved it It was about as emotionally abusive as it gets.

And now, he has her on her knees every day,for a week, once a month.

Lord knows, that woman is praying for menopause.

I wonder how she is being "compensated"?

Alpha male? As BSR said, when I read these threads, I go hug my husband, and thank him for loving ME, not parts of me,and not treating me horribly. And my husband cheated. Lol

To be clear... She had a 6 month A. I had an 18 month RA and I later cheated for basically 5 years. Neither of my APs were known to my WW. Her AP was a coworker that I knew casually and they had been in our home and we had been in theirs on a few occasions. My WW knew the OBS and their child before the A. She had ended the A before I found out. AP tattled on her a few weeks later for spite.

I never demanded the red week blowjobs, it was never anything I expected "before" either. That shit came out in the hellish trickle truth she put me through. She is the one who chose to do it of her own free will. The truth is she threw more sex, of any sort, at me after she was outed. I never expected that type of red week compensation "before". Quite the opposite, I would try to do more for her and sympathize with her situation during that time of the month. "Before", I would often stop after work and buy her her favorite dark chocolate bar or some other little treat, now I feel like a fucking chump for doing that kind of shit.

The fact is she was willing to whore herself out for attention and affirming words, not the sex of course, it was the attention\words, ain't that what all the WW's here profess. I guess the period bullshit she claimed to experience with me didn't apply if you're blowing another woman's husband in his truck after work then rushing home to a meal I cooked. That same woman blameshifted, outright lied, trickle truthed, gaslighted, and was a factor in the DV the OBS experienced. This was all while we had an 18mo baby at home. Our oldest had just turned 5.

And since I'm being open here, the truth is she got played. She got used for sex and she knows it now. The cruel thing is the words meant nothing in the end. AP called her a whore to her face when he outed her. The bitter pill for her is she affaired way down. Physically, education level, dick size, you name it AP was not on my level. I affaired up both times and this has caused my WW to feel incredibly insecure. It's been a big topic in past MC.

The power dynamic has shifted. I was smitten with her "before", not now. Time has not been her friend. She did gain weight "after", and she lost it a bit later but it took a toll on her body. She is completely gray, I am not. She is not fit, I am fit. I could go on, but you get the idea.

She frantically tries to keep the marriage together, I do not is the TL;DR of this post.

Buck

So what have you done for her since you're a madhatter?

She seems to be the one doing all the work to keep the marriage going.

Is that really a united, loving relationship?

Buck. Thanks ever so much for clarifying that, and for repeating that delightful and descriptive term describing your sex life.

I'm so very disturbed and frankly, disgusted by the things that I've read in this thread. I'm going to go ahead and bow out of this thread and hope desperately that someone will close this thing soon because it seems clear to me that those of you entrenched in the idea that you are OWED compensation with no limits to what is fair game have no interest or no capacity for listening to anything that doesn't suit your narrative.

She frantically tries to keep the marriage together, I do not.

That is very sad. I feel like she needs to continue to do work on herself because a healthy person would not frantically try to keep a marriage that the other person doesn't care about for years on end.

As you and I have discussed many times there are a lot of similarities of me and your wife. The difference is I will not frantically try and keep this marriage together by myself. Nope. And if I thought for one moment my husband feels he "affaired up" with that woman, he can really go fuck himself and leave and have her. Sorry, not sorry.

If we are going to stay married it's because we both want to and because we both have learned to value and trust each other again. If he thinks he can do better, then he really should.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:53 PM, February 26th (Friday)]