SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oldtruck, thread jack sorry. Do you hit the space bar when typing to make the sentences split like that?

Anyone else notice this too?

Right now if i scroll down to view your last post i see paragraphs but when not replying its all broken up for example:

I see one line of text thats a full sentence but

the

Next like is one or two words then another line of

full text

Then again just a word or two. Just curious if

this is

Done on purpose or a fluke.

(Without the line spaces i cant get my post to mimic what im seeing)

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 9:20 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Can we put away the weight and gym issue and address this quote and just compensation?

Uh-uh oldtruck. YOU made it about weight. "Issue of Weight" - it's right there in the thread title. Don't @ women that have thoughts and feelings about the thread that you started.

Maybe next time if you want to discuss 'just compensation', then oh I dunno, maybe start a thread about just compensation? Just a suggestion of course.

And alpha-schmalfa. "Alpha" males IME are the most insecure misogynistic examples of masculinity. And I've known quite a few 'alpha' males in my time - I worked in oil & gas for over 15 years and that industry is rife with them. Personally, I find any male that touts their 'alpha'ness tiresome and boring to deal with.

I've said this before, but I find it chilling that some (not all!) BH on this site WANT sex acts that their WW aren't enthusiastically wanting to do. Do y'all WANT the full menu IF it's given begrudgingly? I can COMPLETELY (remember, I AM a BS) understand WHY you want what the OM was given. But do you really want daily BJs from someone who hates every second of it? Not all marriages are reconciliation material.

Janagreen, I was raised (60+) we were taught not ok to hit

girls, not to force a woman to have sex. Women were the gate

keeper to sex.

So a man would be happy that a woman would provide sex.

We would accept that a woman could not want to do certain

sex acts. No need to force her to do anything she did not

want to do.

D day, WW had a PA and did many things with her OM that

her BH always wanted to do but because his WW said those

things were off the table.

Well after the BH finds out that she set the table with her

finest linens, napkins, silverware, china, crystal, her BH says

I want the same treatment. I am no longer going to let you

serve me dinner on a bare table, paper plates and cups,

plastic utensils.

The BH goes to work every day, hands over his check every

week, faithful, then D day he finds out his WW treated her

OM as a king. This BH is no longer willing to be treated as

fool. This OM came as thief in the night, not support her

financially and WW gave him everything.

She lied to me about not willing to do those sex acts.

WW gave her OM to her best. Well WW cannot give me

better than her best but she can give her best just like she

gave her OM.

It not that WW gave OM BJ and never would give her BH a

BJ.

It is the WW gave her OM her best, she never withheld any

thing from her OM. So BH wants her best. Meaning she

cannot withhold anything from me that she did for her OM.

Old Truck,

I do not agree with what you are saying.

It is not that to be even the WW has to have another PA for

2 years and 9 months and have sex 90 times with her OM to

be even.

There is NO even. That's a projection of what it must be like. I am in the situation, they are separate and neither cancels out the other. It will not settle either of us emotionally, it will not fix the problems we have, and it really only made our problems 100 times worse. There is no "evening the score". It looks that way on the outside, I get it, but nothing is that neat. An eye for an eye only means you damaged me, I damage you. It doesn't do anything at all towards recompense. Look at Buck, it's obvious he will never feel recompensed.

J Maybe the WW did not keep a clean house

before her PA. BH feels and needs a spotless house. So

he tells his WW you had the time to have a PA with the OM.

So you can now use that time to make the house clean enough

to eat off of the floors.

No, what you are talking about here, and it comes down to most of the recompense that we dicuss on this site is leveraging the affair to keep an upper hand.

What REALLY needs to happen is the BS must accept there is no such thing as recompense in the same terms of tit for tat.

Recompense, if you want a long term marriage/recconcilion is:

"I have made some really terrible decisions that have been abusive towards you. You did not deserve these things. I am going to work my butt off to figure out how and why this happened, and I am going to change those things about myself. In addition I am going to work my butt off to let you know how much I love you and how grateful I am for this second chance".

Recompense can only be given in humility, and it needs to be given freely, but in the form of creating a healthier spouse and marriage for you as the BS.

As for cleaning, or more sex, or whatever the BS wants to be part of the new marriage is not in the area of recompense. It's in the area of working together to create a relationship that you are both happy in.

There are natural consequences to cheating, and believe me if the WS works on those things and accepts accountability and these natural consequences its enough. To keep a power dynamic that one person owes more to the marriage for the rest of our lives, is not going to create a happy lasting marriage.

Instead, the WS does the work, the BS works on the healing, and then together they come together to decide what they want their lives to be like together. If the BS wants more sex, as the WS I should absolutely take that into consideration. Not because I cheated, but because I am now going to see that love is an action. I am going to make more of an effort to meet that need because I want my husband to know he is loved. And, I am going to let him know what my needs are and he is going to do what he can to meet those in reason.

It's transactional versus organic. You can keep someone in a transactional state because they feel guilty and they don't want a divorce, but it's only going to go that way for so long until there are new resentments.

I am not saying the WS doesn't need to work their butt off, they do. They need to prove they are going to be a safe spouse moving forward and show all the signs of being a successful rebuilder. That's recovery. When you offer R it means to me that both people are going to work together to have a more loving, communicative, and mutually beneficial relationship.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:33 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Blow jobs and cooking after d-day?

Quid pro quo isn't my ideal. Quid pro quo seems like selling out for fool's gold, easy to fake.

This seems like some serious bullshit to me. A BS needs a clean house to get over the A, give me a break with this crap already.

Brew3x, a floor clean enough to eat off of was not meant

literally but to use an example of a just compensation that was

not in the form of a sexual act.

AGAIN THERE IS NO LIMIT TO WHAT JUST COMPENSATION

CAN BE.

AGAIN THERE IS NO LIMIT TO WHAT JUST COMPENSATION

CAN BE.

But, Old Truck, there is.

If my husband only focuses on recompense, as sisoon said - that would be easy. I can clean a floor or give a BJ. That to me, would have been easy peasy. I just do what it is he wants, I can go about my day. Yeah!

But, then because I am a wayward thinker, eventually that all catches up with me because I carry around resentments. Either I am going to end up fucking someone else or just leaving altogether.

You can get recompense, or you can get a WS who spends real energy changing. If they do the work to change, you are going to get a far better spouse. I am more generous, more patient, more communicative, and more fun than I was when I was a wayward person running around waiting for the next thing to cheer me up or make me feel good.

AGAIN THERE IS NO LIMIT TO WHAT JUST COMPENSATION

CAN BE.

Yes! Yes there fucking is!!!! Or there should be!

I’m out. Y’all made me write the f- word.

All right. Well, I'm 40. And my mindset is that I wouldn't want to be with a man who could, um, perform in a situation where I was "providing" a sex act. I only want to be with partners who want my enthusiastic consent in every act we engage in. I don't want to be the gatekeeper to sex. I want to be an equal, respected, enthusiastic participant.

To be taught not to FORCE sex is not putting the bar on the floor. It's burying it underground.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:41 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Dragnheart, I prefer shorter line length for it is easier to get

to end of a line then find the beginning of the next line. So the

eyes do not get lost.

Hand injury so for a while I have not used capitals. Though I

would make the effort with WW, NC, etc.

Many times I would use single lines because I felt they would

not form a good paragraph.

Also like to set questions apart so they get noticed and hope

they get answered instead of skipped.

However I do not know which post you are talking about.

Oldtruck. Its every one of your posts.

I am going to screen shot it and post it so you can see what i see then maybe it will make more sense lol

See below.

See how the words "easier to get" are on their own line separate from the rest of the sentence?

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 9:48 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Uh-uh oldtruck. YOU made it about weight. "Issue of Weight" - it's right there in the thread title. Don't @ women that have thoughts and feelings about the thread that you started.

EllieKMAS, your bite is worse than a male pit bull.

I think that you cannot let go of the weight issue because you

would not be able to make a case.

All right. Well, I'm 40. And my mindset is that I wouldn't want to be with a man who could, um, perform in a situation where I was "providing" a sex act. I only want to be with partners who want my enthusiastic consent in every act we engage in. I don't want to be the gatekeeper to sex. I want to be an equal, respected, enthusiastic participant.

Yeah, that. I can't imagine more of a turnoff than knowing I was having sex with someone who didn't want to be doing it with me. I'd be creeped out by a guy who could enjoy it if he knew I didn't want to be doing it. That sounds like the most miserable harmful sex.

hikingitout, it not a WW had an affair for 3 months and had

sex 10 times and then her BH now has a RA for 3 years and

had sex 100 times and they are even now.

It is not that to be even the WW has to have another PA for

2 years and 9 months and have sex 90 times with her OM to

be even.

The affair sex can never be undone.

Just compensation is what WW/WH have to provide the

BH/BW what they need to accept that the affair happened.

It can be acts of service, it can be sexual acts, it can be what

ever the BS needs. Maybe the WW did not keep a clean house

before her PA. BH feels and needs a spotless house. So

he tells his WW you had the time to have a PA with the OM.

So you can now use that time to make the house clean enough

to eat off of the floors.

Yes the WW can say I am not your housemaid, mother, slave

or whatever and accept her BH divorcing him.

Hikingitout, re-read my post. Including the bolded part.

I meant that this WW could not make things even by

having another affair.

I think that you cannot let go of the weight issue because you would not be able to make a case.

?? Make a case..... for what exactly?

And I am pointing out the serious issue with you now 14 pages in saying "don't make it about weight" when you are the one who made it about that in the first place with the thread you started. Not sure why me pointing out a simple fact is so problematic.

And pibbles are the best doggos. I take it as a compliment to be compared to one, thank you.

Brew3x, a floor clean enough to eat off of was not meant

literally but to use an example of a just compensation that was

not in the form of a sexual act.

AGAIN THERE IS NO LIMIT TO WHAT JUST COMPENSATION

CAN BE.

Sorry for the harsh language this thread struck a cord with me my W’s AP was her trainer sometimes I tell myself he fucked the weight off of her.

Anyway in reference to a clean house it’s just not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for her to work on herself and show me I’m important to her and that I matter not just some dude that takes care of the house, I want to know I’m loved.

It’s like sisoon said those things are easy to fake, I always got a home cooked meal during the A and it made no difference.

Dragnheart, are you using a PC or your phone?

I saw that image of my post. I have use short lines but the

lines are all consistent in length being this is not justified

typesetting, just flush to the left typesetting.

The only time I do not have my normal length lines is when

the sentence is that short or it is the last sentence of a

paragraph.

I would send a screen shot of how it looks on my PC though

that is above my pay grade.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 10:03 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

Oldtruck, I think Ellie and others have made the case quite well. I don't know what's so hard to understand about it.

Yes, a BS of any gender is going to resent the hell out of any effort that the WS put towards an AP. I even sarcastically suggested that my XWH could just leave me money on the bedside table after sex like he would for a prostitute at some point. Maybe get a part-time job so that he could afford me and keep paying bills. Now imagine if that had actually been a requirement for R. How long would that need to go on before it became incredibly gross instead of just me enjoying being mean to him? That's not a relationship.

So maybe the WW hit the gym and lost 30 lbs in her manic stage of trying to be sexy to rando AP and cheat. Maybe the BH truly does deserve for her to keep hitting the gym and stay toned and fit forever. A BS probably deserves the WS to cut out his or her own heart and hand it to them. There's nothing that a WS could do to truly make infidelity up to a BS. But sure, say that this one thing, this lost weight is the recompense that the couple settles on in R.

How many years does the WW have to live stressing about not eating too much during the holidays and maybe how that medication she's taking put 10 extra pounds on her and OMG is she too fat now for her BH and is he going to divorce her or start pointing out her weight? Is she going to need to step on that scale every day for the rest of her life and track? Is there a number she's not allowed to go over or she has violated the R agreement? Want to create an eating disorder?

There's a big difference between staying at a healthy weight for your own sake and being threatened with divorce if you don't. One looks like health. The other looks like being abused.

And is there an age where you've accumulated enough wrinkles and sagging and health problems when she can stop being so worried about her exact weight or is she going to need surgeries and botox to keep herself as an acceptable example of femininity in repayment for cheating?

Maybe you could argue that the WW deserves all that. Maybe if you feel that way, you aren't in R and there's no point in staying married. What kind of marriage is that?

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:06 AM, February 26th (Friday)]

EllieKMAS, again putting meanings in my words that are not

there. I do not hate Pit Bulls.

I thought I was paying you a compliment by saying you had the

bite of MALE pit bull.

Dragnheart, are you using a PC or your phone?

I am on my cell phone. That said only your posts look like that.

Owell. I was just curious. Sorry to T/J

I still feel that a transactional marriage isnt sustainable, will lead eventually to resentments, is just holding the affair over the waywards head constantly, not allowing the wayward to do the work necessary to be come a safe partner, is more fear and control based, and is used to provide external validation to the BS which will never be satisfied because ones worth comes from within.