SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If we had a daughter, it's a good bet I'd have wanted to name her Alexandra; W probably would have agreed.

I agree that your sister revealed something important about herself and your fiance. You can dump your fiance. You have dumped him, and I hope he stays dumped. You're living at home ... your parents need to know.

I recommend a good IC to help you resolve the anger, grief, fear, and shame that comes with being betrayed.

The vast majority of us look ordinary to the vast majority of us. I think almost all of us look top notch to a small group of people. Some people really like certain features. Long blond hair isn't a high priority for me ... my W had long, almost black hair when we met, which she cut off 30-35 years ago, and I still miss it.

IOW, I suspect there are people who would pick you over your sister based on your looks. But you probably know that in your head.

I recommend finding a good IC to help you end your jealousy of your sister and learn to love yourself as you are - because you are, in fact, loving, lovable, and capable, even though you don't believe it yet.

*****

The 2 people you most rely on for support as an adult, your lover and your sibling, cheated with each other. That is truly an experience that is beyond awful.

You think you can't handle it, but feeling awful is, in fact, what you have to do to heal.

You'll probably heal best if you can find someone to talk to, someone who will help you voice many of the thoughts that run around in your head and who will help you separate the different strands so you can deal with them one by one. ICs do that, but others do, too - some clergy, some friends.

You can heal without help, but it's slower.

(((Alexandra95))) - a hug, if you want one

The fact that he invites her over for a game, then in the short time you are gone at the store tells me this has been going on longer than they are saying. This is whats called a Double Betrayal (BF and Sister)

She admits that they had been intimate with each other several times over the past few weeks, but she says she turned him down every time he asked her to have sex.

This is a lie. They've had sex and if you called and said you were going to be another hour they would have fucked on the couch and nice little secret when you got home. Such disrespect!!

Do your parents know why you moved home, that your sister was banging your now ex boyfriend?

Block him forever as he made a choice, and turn your back on her for as long as you like.

You need to do several things. (1) Dump your fiance now. NC him forever. (2) Tell your parents what your sister did. If your sister has a boyfriend, tell him what she did. She must suffer consequences for her actions. She is a cheater and a traitor. (3) Assume that the fiance and sister had sex. (4) Find another place to live away from your sister ASAP. (5) Focus on your future. I assume you are still quite young. Establish a career that can provide you with a secure future. Go back to school if necessary. This will ensure that you will never have to be dependent on ANYONE. (6) Allow yourself time to heal. Do not jump into another relationship quickly. Spend time with loyal and decent friends. (7) Maintain distance from your sister. Your relationship has been irreparably damaged. Maybe one day things might be different between the two of you, but not now and not tomorrow or the near future. (8) Take care of yourself physically by working out. (9) Look into counseling to help you heal from this double betrayal.

I am very sorry what happened to you, but as said many times in cases like yours, you dodged a bullet though it may not seem so right now.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:21 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

I reached out to one of my friends and I'm currently staying at her house. She was shocked to hear what happened.

My sister has tried to contact me many times and sent me long emails with thousands of apologies, but I have just ignored her.

After that, I've just stayed in the guest room. I have slept, cried, and slept more. I haven't eaten anything.

Gently, I'd say bye bye to your fiance. Not only did he cheat, he cheated with your sister. No turning back from that. He's a pos, and your sister admitted he's been asking her to have sex.

I have ended things with him already.

Don't believe your sister either, they might have had sex AND she's in damage control mode right now.

I don't know, but I hope she didn't have sex with him. Otherwise, I will never forgive her.

Did you inform your parents?

Yes. They were shocked as well when I told them what my sister had told me. Apparently, my sister didn't tell them anything so they originally thought everything was a misunderstanding.

how old is your sister?

She's 22 (3 years younger than me).

What exactly does she mean by intimate?

Most people when "caught" will automatically either lie and say I didn't do it or minimize and say I only did a little bit.

When the police say do you know why I stopped you, and you were going 90 in the 55 zone you might say well I might have been going 60.

Like your sister saying they have been intimate but have not had sex. You might forgive a small indiscretion but not the truth.

When/If you decide to talk to her, you should ask her to write down what, when and where she did things with XBF.

And if at some time the BF pleads to "explain" realize that he and your sister have talked and their stories will match...

Good luck...

I remember when I was in my teens or early 20's I made a comment to my mother about how pretty some girl was, and what did she think of so and so etc. She replied that she thinks all youth is beautiful. Now that I am close to her age when she said it, I see she was right. You are 25! The difference between you and your sister in the grand scheme of things looks-wise is a drop in the bucket. I promise you. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and stay active and enjoy what you have.

That being said, I don't think I have much more to offer. You have dropped him and distanced from you sister for now, this is great. As hard as it is, it is much harder after marriage with kids and more years involved.

Since she is your sister you will probably want to have some sort of relationship going forward when YOU are ready, but she needs consequences. Let her know your relationship is forever damaged because of this and ask her what she intends to do over the next decade and years beyond to prove to you that she has your best interests in heart and ISN'T LYING TO YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING since she has destroyed your trust.

Hopefully she will see the error of her ways going forward.

I reached out to one of my friends and I'm currently staying at her house.

This is a good idea. Seek support from friends and family (except your sister). It’s not your job to hide what your X fiancé and your sister has done. You have also removed yourself form the people that hurt you which is good.

Your job is to take care of you.

If/when you go pick up your stuff at your ex-fiancé, don’t go alone.

If he has cheated once, he may have cheated more than once. You’ll need to get tested for STD.

Take it one day at a time, it will get better

I don’t believe your sister will ever be honest exactly what they did.

I know of 2 posters who sisters had affairs with there husbands. They both needed to maintain no contact.

As crazy as it sounds, your sisters betrayal is worse then your fiancé. However, you can cut off toxic people.

I strongly urge you to seek some counseling.

You need to accept it happened but realize he did t cheat b/c of anything you did or did not do. He did not cheat b/c you aren’t smart or are too smart or were or weren’t a good cook.

He made a choice to cheat thinking he would never get caught. But he did. He destroyed you and your family by having an affair with your sister. A choice he willingly made. With full knowledge of the consequences.

Anything he says now is irrelevant. He needs to stop harassing you by trying to talk to you. Be the stone cold hearted person you need to be when it comes to him. You have no other choice.

Your parents need to be involved in this. They need to sit down with you and your sister to support you and give your sister the proverbial slap upside the head she needs. They need to know the truth and your sister needs to own it.

In front of you. You need to witness her behavior so you can see she truly understands what she did. And how she destroyed your family as well. If she blames your XF then she is still being dishonest and she has a long way to go before she gets it.

And then you start to slowly heal. And get away from your sister. She has a huge amount of growing up to do and figure out why she did what she did.

And if your sister has a BF I would be sure to tell him. And every BF she has for years to come. See how she likes it!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:31 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

You are handling things spectacularly well , noone should be in your life if they cant have your best interests at heart .

Your sister is probably quite jealous of you, she would never have used your fiance for validation otherwise .

My sister has tried to contact me many times and sent me long emails with thousands of apologies

Your sister is looking for absolution for her sins from you, but that’s not your job. She has her own path to walk now.

You sound like you’re doing alright, all considered. Be cold, be pragmatic, let your head rule your heart for a while. Identify that future that you want, and go get it!

Sending strength!

I think you should tell her that you know everything and this is her one chance to speak the truth and admit the same. Do it when she is in the room and cannot text him or call him. See if she adds time or details to her story and then at least you will know. You could also do the same to him face-to-face. I am sorry this happened. Kick him to the curb, but if you need to know more, try this technique.

[This message edited by deena04 at 4:30 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

Dear (((Alexandra95)))

I know there is nothing more that can be said. I just what you to know that if us older people out here could we would give you a hug and take all your pain on our shoulders for you. You did not deserve this horrible double betrayal.

I also just walked in on my W in another mans bed. It is sooo horrific but you are young, you must bounce back, you must get out of bed no matter how hard it is, you must eat even if it is a smoothie. Please please please do not allow this situation that you had no part in hurt your mental heath to the point of depression. Depression is no place to be. Get out of bed. Talk to people who love you.

My daughters husband cheated on her and then left, she was like all of us devastated she wrote this to me a couple days ago.

"I know that heart ache all to well. But it's truly amazing the freedom and joy on the other end. It's taken two years but I can say I feel happier than I've ever been"

As far as you comparing your looks to your sisters, I can honestly say that more men are attracted to a real beauty you have. Sure blond hair and big boobs for a minute but just one minute. For me blond and big chest doesn't even get me started.

I have been around the block and getting close to the finish please don't waist any of your time on cheaters. Grieve but get back out there.

Sincerely,

Organic

The old man

You've received good advice thus far.

Wanted to add.

1) your sister isn't pretty....she's actually quite UGLY!!

2) she's also a HORRIBLE person!!

This fiance of yours.....you're not married so good riddance...kick this loser to the curb!!

As for your sister, I would tell EVERYONE in your family what she did. Your parents, if you have sibs, aunts, uncles, cousins, EVERYONE!!!

Than keep her as far away from you as possible. You can love some people, but sometimes it has to be at a distance.

Drink lots of water and please eat something.

Listen to Stronger by Kelly Clarkson.

Best line - you know in the end the day you left was just my beginning

She admitted to "being intimate" with him several times. What exactly does that mean?

They're not junior high school students who just "make out". There were multiple entanglements. In those situations, things just happen. Obviously she was interested (repeat business) and is trying to blame shift to him.

Personally I think your sister is a narcissistic grotesque liar. Be careful, she might even be trying to prove to herself: "oh, I'm better than my sister, I can have anyone she has anytime I want".

Fortunately he's gone, hopefully, permanently. So much for his desire to M you. As far as your sister is concerned, she should be greatly demoted as your relative and friend. She can go back to her video games.

I'm so sorry you found yourself here.

I'll reiterate what everyone has said:

This was NOT your fault and had nothing to do with your appearance. His decision to cheat was HIS alone. It wasn't because "she was prettier" or whatever.

She is NOT pretty. She is ugly inside and that is stronger than any good hairstyle or make up.

Individual counseling will help you deal with this and give you perspective on how you want to deal with your sister moving forward.

I'm glad you dumped the ex, he wasn't worth your time and energy.

You don't have to decide about forgiving your sister right now, but if you need to know more details, ask her for a specific timeline. Because she is "feeling awful" she may give you the truth, especially since you dumped the asswipe.

Take care of youself. Eat something, drink lots of water, go on walks. Take care of YOU.