I dunno.
I just don't know how I can never *not* be angry at the crap my recovering SA pulled.
Starting with taking away my ability to decide if I wanted to marry an addict or not.
Sorry. My husband had NO RIGHT to take away that sort of agency from me. He had no right to play god with my life.
I mean. Great if someone people can be like "Oh, honey, it's totally OK that you pulled a bait and switch about who you were when we got married. It's absolutely OK that you took away my abilities to make decisions over my own life."
But, that will never be OK with me.
(I mean, certainly, it's pissing me off now thinking about it.)
But, I don't think about it all the time.
I will always be pissed off, hurt, angry, you name it with my husband's SA.
ALWAYS.
We both know it. Sometimes I voice it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I just say...I'm having an angry day.
I actually felt safe enough to have sex with my husband a few weeks ago. It's been like 5 months since that happened. My response to him "Don't fuck this up, again. Because you know what will happen, again."
But, if I choose to stay in my marriage...(for a lot of the same reasons you do)...well, that's part of staying in the marriage, and these are the terms I must accept.
What helped me the most was cultivating some mindfulness. Not the meditation variety. But, the learning how to be fully present when you are cutting the lawn or knitting or whatever. That's actually been an amazing gift, as I've been dealing with a recent breast cancer diagnosis (which, I find rather ironic..given my husband's SA).
I also need to stay away from triggers.
And I really began investing in myself again. While I am very lucky I did find my husband..I also have found myself. I have goals for myself. PhD by 50. Some career related goals, for the first time ever. I have hobbies that are just for me, and in non-covid times, I try to get out a little bit and socialize with people that know very little about my personal life.
Maybe you still need to grieve the marriage and life you wanted? Maybe it just takes you longer to get the anger stage. After DDay1, it took me 18 months to get through the anger stage. After I discovered my husband's relapse, it took me almost 3 years to work through the angry stage. (Side note: if my husband relapses again and lies about it...I'm guessing the angry stage will last 6 years..)
My anger stage is also does not come quickly. This time, it took me a year after DDay2 to get angry.
It is who I am. It is not changing.
My husband also knows this is the terms of staying in a marriage with me. He also knows he's free to leave, and I will not stop him. Yet, he stays.