X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Wayward Side

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Wayward Side

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

how to start rebuilding

buckeyegirl13 posted 5/7/2021 11:48 AM

How do you start rebuilding a broken marriage?

leavingorbit posted 5/7/2021 12:22 PM

Are you in IC? Thatís the first step, IMO - fix yourself. The marriage didnít cheat. Iíll try to elaborate more later but the IC point is important and Iím not familiar with your other threads.

Thumos posted 5/7/2021 12:58 PM

You're often asking the same question in different ways. I get it, infidelity creates a shit storm of confusion and pain.

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"?

Have you written down a specific and detailed plan for how to implement the book's recommendations in your situation?

Have you reached out to a local betrayal trauma specialist for IC and scheduled an appointment?

Have you considered that MC is usually harmful in the immediate aftermath of discovery of adultery?

Have you written out a detailed narrative timeline of the affair many pages in length - with no lies of omission or commission (as the saying goes "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth")?

Have you offered to turn over all documentation of your multiple infidelities to your husband if he asks? Have you assembled same (texting, sexting etc.) so it is ready should he ask?

Have you secured a full STD panel to know you are clean and disease free?

Have you voluntarily disclosed your actions and your choices to your extended family so they understand the pain your husband is enduring?

Have you offered a polygraph? Have you located local polygraph examiners for this purpose?

Have you stopped the trickle truth you talked about earlier?

Have you gone completely NC with all 12 of your AP's and proven this beyond a reasonable doubt to your husband?

Have you supplied information about your AP's to your husband so the OBS/OBGF's can be given information about their own lives and betrayal from their spouses or boyfriends?

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:01 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 5/7/2021 13:07 PM

How do you start rebuilding a broken marriage?

I do think you need to stop framing it this way. You're doing yourself no favors with this. The marriage wasn't broken.

Increasingly in cases of infidelity today, it is happening in what should be considered good marriages. And this is being acknowledged more and more all the time. Sometimes it happens in bad marriages. But even when that's the case, so many other choices could have been made aside from infidelity - especially serial adultery. It is certainly the case that once infidelity happens, the marriage is indeed spiritually void and the covenant has been broken. Most people feel and understand this, even if they aren't religious.

The most loving thing you can do is to stop trickle truthing your husband, stop blameshifting or justifying anything, avoid AT ALL COSTS rewriting a new false history of your marriage, and be prepared to offer your husband anything he wants within reason -- including, most especially, a peaceful, quick, amicable and favorable divorce should he want that.

Fighting him on that in the wake of 12 men is not a loving act, nor is pressuring him to "fix" the marriage that has been torn asunder.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:23 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

src9043 posted 5/7/2021 17:46 PM

You should follow your husband's lead entirely. You need to work on yourself so you never cheat again on him or your next partner if you divorce. Infidelity with twelve men in two years is mindboggling. I have no idea how a couple can come back from that type of betrayal. But, if your husband is willing to try, you should kiss the ground he walks on. If he wants a divorce, make it amicable. Amazingly he is still with you, so I suppose that is a good sign.

But you need intensive therapy with a very good counselor so that you can move on with your life in an honest, righteous manner so that you never repeat such destructive behavior. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Good luck to both of you. You both have a lot healing to do.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:12 AM, May 8th (Saturday)]

15yrsinthemaking posted 5/10/2021 05:04 AM

Disclosure : I'm still new here.

From my understanding your "old" marriage is over. Now you must start from scratch. Show your BS that you are taking action to change, to show them you no longer what to live that way or be that wayward partner.

But before you can address the marriage you must address your issues then you can work on your marriage. And while you are working on you it's important to show support and empathy towards your BS.

grubs posted 5/10/2021 10:18 AM


How do you start rebuilding a broken marriage?

You don't. That marriage is dead. You fix the brokenness in yourself that led you to here. You do what you can to help fix the brokenness you inflicted on the BS. Than once you both have done a semblance of healing, you consider whether or not you are both invested enough in building a new relationship. If the answer to that question is yes, then you build a new marriage in the old ones place.

RocketRaccoon posted 5/10/2021 22:04 PM

As others have posted, you don't, as the 'old' M has been reduced to rubble.

Am curious as to the 'why' *no sarcasm or judgment, so please read objectively*:
- Why do you want to rebuild?
- Why the change in mind after your As?
- Why the change in heart that the M is precious?
- Why does M seem to important now?

BluerThanBlue posted 5/11/2021 07:50 AM

What have you tried so far?

Chaos posted 5/11/2021 11:35 AM

You don't.

You DO start rebuilding yourself. You be there for the good, the bad and the ugly of your BS rebuilding themselves.

And then you go from there. One baby step at a time.

numb&dumb posted 5/14/2021 10:49 AM

You start by fixing your broken self. Seeing a Pdoc about a treatment plan and sticking with it is the best thing you can do to try and heal your M.

Your BH needs IC as well to work through everything himself.

You each heal yourself. Then if you both decide to build a new M. . .that's the time for rebuiling.

Selithe posted 5/15/2021 10:06 AM

Ducking multiple men for attention and empowering feelings, yeah... Definitely the wife-mother syndrome / mid life crisis.

Sometimes life tricks us with its ways. In teenager years and early 20s shows us we are the protagonists of our lives than take that privilege away with the responsibilities of being a "spouse and a parent".

I write a lot about "persona creation 101/cheating with personas." Because that's usually what happens in an affair. An alternative reality(more like a fantasy world) created for your pleasure.

People do this for that, they cannot answer the question of "Am I happy in my marriage? and If not Do I wanna leave my spouse or stay together?". When you don't have an answer for these questions and whem you feel truly stuck, that is when the monster inside of you awakens. It creates a double life where 'you think' you can manage and enjoy both lives.

But in reality, it is an escapism tactic at its best. If you end up leaving your BS for OM, guess what? Thst man wants the exact commitments that bound you in the first place. However, this involves personal affairs.

What you had was a purge affair. Which is purging what has developed and accumulated inside of your soul and body out by acting extremely single. Unfortunately, all the years of development and accumulation of love was tainted by those action overall.

Rebuilding is a decision made by BS's alone. You can't make those decisions for him. You cannot give hall passes to him to "even the ground etc" or giving hin trial seperation to 'find out what he needs'...

What he needed was you and you betrayed that. You cannot cheat life or shortcut things with cheap tricks, you gotta learn that.

First, start sharing. I mean finding a Counsellor that has the best interests of both of you is real hard, lets be honest.

So what can you do at this point on, is sharing what led you to this. Finding together what made you so crazy to act this way. What were you getting out of it? Emotional extortion by selling out sex?

I lnow how you feel, because I was once in your shoes, I call my situation by "prostitute of emotions". I had multiple men in my life and my body count is really high. Was never paid in money, but emotional eomance and support. I extorted that thing out of men I seeked by offering sexual relief. Sometimes, we downgrade ourselves to our most primal selves. And that's what I saw within me. The "me" that was desperate for salvation of struggle. And I expressed that by ducking other men and getting emotional support, talking my harsh life and relationship conditions with them, sharing and such.

Overall, you have a lot to solve in your life. Reconciliation in BS's eyes starts with 2 questions though.

1. Will she/he do this or capale of doing this again?

2. Am I confortable with this type of person after the results of the aftermath of affair (estrangement, emasculation humiliation, disgust, anger, brokenheart)?

If the answer is yes then R is possible...
Rebuilding is the answer and next phase once one is in reconciliation. As I said, express yourself as honest as possible to your husband, get into IC to find out your reasons "why's and how's", and share them with him. That helps BS to create a schema in their head to how to move forward from this.

You got a lot of work on your hand and you are literally freaking out as you are losing your core family unit. Just, lay down the reality, never be cold or blame shifting person and never argue the points.

Most vital point, never Trickle truth or hide anything anymore. Just pure honesty.

[This message edited by Selithe at 10:16 AM, May 15th (Saturday)]

buckeyegirl13 posted 5/16/2021 14:04 PM

I'm working on fixing myself, I'm in therapy once a week, I go to AA meetings, I'm learning how to love myself again. I know the old marriage is gone I simply just want a new life with him. what I've done to him sickens me everyday. I truly want a life with him and only him.

[This message edited by buckeyegirl13 at 2:05 PM, May 16th (Sunday)]

Thumos posted 5/16/2021 14:08 PM

That's good to hear. Have you also taken steps as outlined above?

buckeyegirl13 posted 5/16/2021 14:32 PM

Yes, all social media has been deactivated, he has passwords to everything and he has the whole truth

jinkazama posted 5/16/2021 17:08 PM

Your posts are really short

Maybe you should post more

Like what are you doing daily to improve yourself, your marriage.

And how your husband and you are talking about this situation. So on.....

Then maybe the people here can help you more.

Otherwise your every other new post will be same like " what to do" " how to save marriage"
" How to make him believe that i love him"" etc ..

Thumos posted 5/16/2021 17:20 PM

Yes, all social media has been deactivated, he has passwords to everything and he has the whole truth

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I meant also some of the following:

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"?

Have you written down a specific and detailed plan for how to implement the book's recommendations in your situation?

Have you reached out to a local betrayal trauma specialist for IC and scheduled an appointment?

Have you considered that MC is usually harmful in the immediate aftermath of discovery of adultery?

Have you written out a detailed narrative timeline of the affair many pages in length - with no lies of omission or commission (as the saying goes "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth")?

Have you offered to turn over all documentation of your multiple infidelities to your husband if he asks? Have you assembled same (texting, sexting etc.) so it is ready should he ask?

Have you secured a full STD panel to know you are clean and disease free?

Have you voluntarily disclosed your actions and your choices to your extended family so they understand the pain your husband is enduring?

Have you offered a polygraph? Have you located local polygraph examiners for this purpose?

Have you stopped the trickle truth you talked about earlier?

Have you gone completely NC with all 12 of your AP's and proven this beyond a reasonable doubt to your husband?

Have you supplied information about your AP's to your husband so the OBS/OBGF's can be given information about their own lives and betrayal from their spouses or boyfriends?

Return to Forum List

Return to Wayward Side

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy