SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out This past Monday that my wife of 12 years was having an emotional affair with and old flame from her past. He was her first boyfriend. They were chatting via Facebook and apparently sexting too. They were going to physically meet up but I caught it before it happened. My WS was dumb enough to ask if I minded if she went to dinner with her old BF who was coming to town in a few days. Im a very trusting husband and said yes at first but had strong reservations. Later that night I had a strong dream that we were fighting ( we never fight) about her going to dinner with this guy. That dream was so strong that I started digging into things the next day . I felt horrible because this is a woman who I have trusted for 12 years with my full trust.

On her Facebook and found this guy ( I only knew his first name) Once I found him in her friends I found their chats. I was so shocked, I could not believe what I was reading! She was telling him that she loved him on every chat and she was even calling him, things she called me! This was so devastating to me. They had also talked about how they were going to see each other.

I confronted her when she got home from work that day. She said it was only harmless flirting at first but I kept telling her I knew more than she knew I knew. I called a bluff and asked her about "the sexting" when I wasnt even sure if she was sexting him or not, she admitted to it! I asked her how long was this going on and she said at first a year, then said it was maybe a year and a half. She still tried to say that it was just something stupid she was doing and it meant nothing. My gut tells me different. The inflection in the chats, along with all the emojis tell me this relationship was very serious. She also denied that she would have gotten physical with him, she claimed that she had decided after all that she was not going to dinner with him early that morning after she asked me. I dont believe that one bit.

Im devastated and still cannot believe this is happening. 12 years together, never a fight, she was my best friend, we did everything together! Now this! Im so so heartbroken and numb.

[This message edited by UseTaCould at 9:22 PM, May 10th (Monday)]

[This message edited by UseTaCould at 3:22 AM, Tuesday, May 11th]

Hi UseTaCould and welcome to the best bad club to be in. This is a union of souls that don’t want to be here but are so glad we are.

Look – I believe your wife MIGHT think this was all flirting and not so bad and that dinner would only be dinner and she would be home before midnight with – at worst – maybe having given OM a kiss.

It’s like when I walk into a fishing-store just to browse about and walk out an hour later with an expensive fly-rod that I have been reading about, looking at reviews and obsessing over for some months… I can honestly tell my wife that when I went in I had no intention on buying, but honestly and deep down I know that once in the store I won’t resist the temptation. I KNOW I went in there knowing I would be tempted and knowing I would probably give in.

You caught this before it went further. And yes – she probably decided that morning not to go, and yes – by lunch she would decide to just go to let him know she wouldn’t stay, and yes – once there she would tell him she could only stay for a glass of Chardonnay, and yes – once sat down it would go the way we all know… OM would be walking out with a new trophy-rod…

I can share how I would deal with this. This is based on both my experience and from seeing for years what works and what doesn’t here on this site… Please – take it or leave it.

I would sit her down and tell her something along these lines:

Wife. I love you and thought we had a good marriage. However your affair – YES it IS an affair – makes me realize there is something wrong. I am willing to do a lot of work in making this marriage the best, but what I will never accept or do is SHARE MY WIFE.

What I have seen between you and OM and how you have acted make me believe you don’t want this marriage. It has also made me doubt that I have the place in your heart a husband should have.

I won’t hold you back. If you truly think I’m a compromise and Brad is your true love then NOW would be the ideal time to acknowledge that and for you to go to him. You will never be happy if you see me as second best, and frankly I won’t settle for being second best.

There is no rush as such. I am starting the process of how we amicably end our marriage. If you want me as your husband you are going to have to let me know so clearly and vocally and to show me through actions that you are earnest. Just remember – the further I get along the path of ending our marriage the harder it might be for you to catch me.

Then I would be adamant on a couple of things:

No – nothing you did or did not do in the marriage made her have the affair (or go on this slippery path).

Yes – there probably are issues in the marriage, but her decision to seek a solution with him is totally her burden. You won’t accept a slither of responsibility there. Keep in mind that IF your actions made her cheat then there is no way something you do or do not do in the future causes a repeat.

Yes – this was an affair. The secrecy, the sexual content, the decision to meet up… DEFINITELY an affair.

One thing to do: Is the OM married? If so then let his wife know that OM and your WW had plans to meet. Let her know there has been some sexting and flirting and that it’s enough to cause you worry. It’s not your role to tell her they were having an affair – it’s your role to make OM jump away from what he thought was an easy conquest. It’s your role to make him delete your WW off his contact list and avoid your city like it’s plagued.

UseTaCould, you are right to be angry and hurt. Your WW was having an A. I completely agree with Bigger that your WW is lying to herself about how deep she was in this and what would have happened if/when they met for dinner.

Your WW is lying to you and herself. She is trying to minimize and cover her ass. These are not good signs. It shows that she is trying to rugsweep her actions, instead of acknowledging how wrong they were and how they affect the M.

Has she cut off all contact with AP? Blocked him on FB and sent him a no-contact letter? If not, she is likely biding her time until she can contact him again. If she isn't willing to do this IMMEDIATELY you should have a big concern.

Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and your M. You did not cause this and SHE is to blame for her actions. Don't let her blame you for her bad decisions, regardless of what may have been wrong in the M.

I’m sorry you are facing this situation in your marriage. Yes your Wife cheated and lied and quite frankly she was most likely going to have a physical relationship with the old BF.

The fact that this was an old BF of hers make this worse. Sadly you will now always wonder if she has had feelings for this guy for your entire marriage. She will say she hasn’t but now you will never really know.

In regards to your future, your wife may be the kind of person that believes if nothing physical happened it wasn’t really an affair. If she takes that position you now have another issue to face. And that is that she is trying to sweep this under the rug.

In order to happily reconcile your wife needs to admit to the affair and stop lying to protect herself. She needs to accept the damage she caused to you and your marriage. And lastly, she needs to be full of remorse. If she isn’t truly sorry and willing to do anything you need to make amends, then she is not remorseful but she merely regrets getting caught.

I suggest she needs a counselor to figure out WHY she did this.

You need a counselor to figure out what to do. You need some support right now while you are on this emotional roller coaster. One minute you will hate her and the next minute you love her and then you are saddened by it all.

Keep posting here. We will support you.

Your case is similar to mine, I caught it before it went physical, POSOM was an old flame too who lives in another country. This WAS an Affair, the question is did she ever travel alone to POSOM's city ? was this her first rodeo ? Did she send him naked pictures or videos that could wind up online forever ? is she in love with him ? Demand a polygraph.

Have her write POSOM an NC (No Contact) FOREVER text and make sure you watch her hit "send", short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes), make sure you tell OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any and WITHOUT warning (very important).

I would expose her huge betrayal with at least both set of parents and have her apologize for her it. Exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment.

Have her read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, it's a short read and you can download it for free, the book talks about boundaries and other important things.

Demand she goes to IC (avoid MC at least for now) with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important) to find out her whys, what made her cheat ? How does a married woman gives herself permission to have an illicit relationship with an old boyfriend ?. Also NEVER reveal your sources.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've "seen it" play out THOUSANDS of times, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a script.

All cheaters lie a lot. Her plans were to take this physical.

This wasn’t a mistake. It was a planned decision she made.

Like most who come here you never thought your wife was capable.

She is.

It’s totally up to you how you want to handle this. No one else gets any say so.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:46 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

UseTaCould: Bigger's advice is the best advice you'll get. Set her free. Tell her that you're doing it because, above all else, you want her to find her happiness. Tell her that if she decides that her happiness is with you, she will need to show that via actions. Then start your solo journey. If she follows you, then perhaps your marriage will work. If she doesn't, then you'll know it was over already.

Very sorry this happened. The shock and pain is deep and you'll need to practice a lot of self care and look into individual therapy (preferably with someone who specializes in what is called betrayal trauma).

You'll get a lot of good advice here from folks.

I don't want to add to your agony but rather to brace you: You should consider the possibility that you don't know the entire story here. This went on for 1.5 years? Then the likelihood it already has been a PA (with at least some kind of physical contact) is pretty high.

Your WW has only admitted -- even though you think you're a step ahead of her -- to what she thinks you know.

WS's have a propensity to "trickle" out the truth over time (really damaging on top of the initial betrayal) and they will also minimize (offering you bits of the truth that are one or two steps back from what really happened).

A rule of thumb -- unless you have hard proof otherwise -- is that if they say it was an EA, it's probable they kissed. If they say they only kissed, it's probable oral happened. If they say "only oral" it's probable they slept together. If they say "only once," it's probable it happened multiple times.

It is certainly possible you do know the whole truth here, but don't take anything from her at face value -- not for a good long while.

Yet that she already betrayed you in theory, threw you under the bus for another man, and was fully prepared to sleep with him -- is really nearly every bit as devastating as if she had already gone through with it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:01 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

UseTae:

Welcome to the site, I wish circumstances were better for you.

I really can't phrase it any better than Bigger did. This is about what you feel is your "line you won't cross" for marital boundaries. Her actions don't really match up with her words. Particularly this:

She still tried to say that it was just something stupid she was doing and it meant nothing.

God, I hate this one. Obviously, it means something to you. I isn't "nothing", it's very much a something. It's infidelity. You really don't know what she might or might not have done had she had dinner with this guy, nor does anyone, maybe even her (as Bigger suggests). I do know that placing herself in the path of temptation isn't particularly wise in the face of her infidelity, and doesn't speak well for her commitment to your marriage.

What you do next is up to you, of course. It's possible it could either way, depending on her commitment to fix the results of her decisions.

I would go see a lawyer and start looking at your options in the event you want this to end or she does. You can take you time to figure out what you want but while you are doing that there is nothing wrong with preparing yourself for divorce. The truth is you really don't know what all went down and your just learning the start of it. I would look into the OM and see if he is married. If he is I would inform his wife or girlfriend.

A year and a half of this is a long time for this really to just be nothing.

she claimed that she had decided after all that she was not going to dinner with him early that morning after she asked me.

Convenient. You're getting a taste of the half truths, elisions, trickling, etc. that WS's often engage in. I know you're not falling for this. Don't.

"I was about to end it" -- which is essentially this in a subtle form -- is one of the oldest cliches in the book. And "I was about to end it" does what to alleviate the fact of your betrayal?

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:03 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

Thank you all for your support! I need it!

Has she cut off all contact with AP? Blocked him on FB and sent him a no-contact letter?

This is what scares the heck out of me, I cannot be for certain that she has cut off all communication with him. I check our phone records daily and nothing, however with all of the other means of technology out there I just dont have a clue. The day I caught her she offered to block him and to delete her Facebook, unfortunately I did not see her do this but Im pretty confident her FB is deleted because she no longer shows up in any kind of FB search. I took pictures of what little chats from FB there were as she was deleting history as she was going along. However I did have enough from 3 days to reveal what was going on. She is being very sneaky, something I never knew she could do. I have evidence that she deleted things from her Icloud account as well. A lot of the evidence has been wiped im sure but If my gut is correct and she is still trying to reach out to him, I will catch her because im on to her now.

[This message edited by UseTaCould at 9:26 PM, May 10th (Monday)]

First off I agree with pretty much everything that has been written above.

Here is your quandary; you had to confront immediately in order to avert what was certainly going to be a consummation of their online affair, but in doing so, she was able to "cover her tracks" by deleting and now possibly going underground.

That leaves you with not knowing if "sexting" is just dirty talk or if it is pictures and videos, and to what extent.

Also, where does this sleazebag live? If he isn't that far away (like under an 8 hour drive) then I would be quite surprised if it hasn't "gone physical".

And even if he lives farther than that, but you or your wife have been out of town, then steel yourself for the possibility she has already crossed the physical line.

Additionally, I feel an illicit relationship cross over from an Emotional Affair to full on cheating once sexting, particularly if visual sexual content has been shared, even if they have not met in person since this began.

Think about this: Does your wife sext with you? Does she send you sexual pictures and videos? If she did that for him and not for you, she is engaging in a level of intimacy with him that she does not with you.

***

What does this mean? My feeling is you can certainly follow Bigger's advice, which is very sound.

However, if you want to consider reconciling OR if you want to end it, but are "on the fence", you'll probably want to investigate further and see if you can stomach trying to continue a life with or if she just crossed a line that you are unwilling to continue from.

Some questions:

1) Do you have kids?

2) Are you good with technology?

3) Are you willing to have her take a polygraph?

[This message edited by faithfulman at 10:05 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

When you delete FB they tell you that you have to wait 30 days before all of your account will be deleted . If you sign on to it again the clock starts again

Biggest advice is sound .

You are correct that unless you are a tech guru there are so many different ways and apps it’s mind boggling

If I were you I’d wait a week or two and then sit her down and ask her if she has had any contact by any means with him. When she says of course not I would tell her that I hope you answered that correctly because you’ll be taking a polygraph test to confirm that

Her reaction will tell you much of what you want to know. She should be eager to do it

UseTaCould,

You should also consider using voice activated recorders (VARs) and place one in her car and anyplace in the home she might talk on the phone. They're not too expensive and can provide a great deal of intelligence. Even if you're tracking calls, she still could be using a burner phone OR some type of communication app (Facetime, etc.) that your phone log wouldn't catch...

woah a year and a half?! thats a full affair.

so emotional or physical, its still wrong. its betrayal and not ok. you should be ticked. you have every right to be! she is not coming out w the truth unless you catch her which scares me because I know that side of the coin and its even worse then the 1st.

you need to feel whatever you need to, get answers, hear the story in anyway you can get it, message the guy to back the F off and then see what you want or whats salvageable. clearly there are cracks in the marriage.

Texting is a big deal....a very big deal.Especially with an Ex because the emotional pathways have an advance start.

Studies show that among other things (texting/sexting is addictive). It triggers the same parts of the brain as drugs. Texting also creates the same emotional bonding as face to face communication.

After 1 1/2 years of 'bonding' (especially with an Ex) it's highly unlikely she can stop contact cold turkey. Especially with the ease and temptation of using secretive texting apps.

Treat her affair as an addiction. In order for her to take you seriously she must believe you are ready to divorce her unless all contact stops now and forever (bluff if necessary).

Have her write up a detailed timeline.

To save time and discourage further lies or withholding information, insist she take a polygraph test to validate the timeline as well as continuing contact.

Inform her that the truth may make it difficult to remain married - but any further lying or withholding information will guarantee divorce.

UseTaCould,

I'm sorry this happened to you. As others have said, welcome to the best club that no one wants to join.

First, this is an A. I'm not telling you it went physical one way or another, but even "just" an EA is a complete betrayal of vows and has destroyed your marriage. It is dead and gone. You can choose to, if you want, build a new marriage with your WW. You can also decide there is no practical way for you to come back from this destruction of trust.

The books most people recommend around here are "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

The first helps you understand how affairs start and how to set better boundaries. It also has exercises to help you decide if you should try to reconcile (R) or throw in the towel.

The second is a short guide on actions your WW can take to help make you feel safe in your relationship in the wake of her betrayal. It is a short read. Most WS's that read it early on feel it is one sided, etc. Well guess what, affairs are pretty goddamn one sided, so it shouldn't be surprising that the repair efforts are a little one sided. She has to do the heavy lifting.

The "list" of things that you should consider as needs:

1) A complete written timeline of her affair. If you want, confirm this with polygraph. I didn't do the polygraph personally, but there are plenty of people that have gotten really good mileage out of it.

2) NC letter that you watch her send out. Something like, "I have chosen to recommit to my husband and any contact with you will not enrich our relationship. Please never contact me again."

3) Individual counseling for her to figure out what let her do this to you, and how she will fix that. Individual counseling for you to recover from the betrayal trauma. Not marriage counseling because it generally does more harm than good right after an affair is discovered.

4) Complete electronic transparency. Accounts/PWs. GPS location. Etc. No more secrets.

5) Expose to the degree that it is useful. At least tell the other betrayed spouse (OBS) if possible and there is one. Tell others in your support network that you are sure will support you whether you choose to reconcile or divorce. Affairs die in sunlight.

It's not fun to be marriage police, and you can't do it forever. If you don't do it at all though, it's unlikely that you will actually get the affair to end.

I check our phone records daily and nothing

As TIF just said it's not fun being the marriage police. It causes a lot of anxiety, elevated BP and so on. You will probably tire of this pretty quickly and you should.