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How did you feel when you took your first legal step?

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Tallgirl posted 5/10/2021 21:05 PM

Well today I signed the legal separation agreement. I chose this. I knew it was coming. I couldnít live with a cheater. And yet I am not overjoyed, not elated, not feeling satisfied.

It came with more of a sad relief. End of the youthful dream life I guess.

I also found some documents I should not of read. I know better but I read a few anyways. Confirmed he is an outstanding liar. The betrayal knife still goes to the quick. When I donít care, it will be a relief.

Next step. Buy him out and divorce.

Maybe it will get easier when he moves thousands of miles away in 2 weeks.

Here we go, the next phase. On my own. I will be ok. I will.

EllieKMAS posted 5/10/2021 21:10 PM


I felt all the things. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Bitterness. Relief. Guilt... You name it, I felt it.

But it gets better. And having him move will probably help, helped me enormously at any rate.

You got this girl!

skeetermooch posted 5/10/2021 21:22 PM

Oh, I felt sad, relieved too that I wasn't hanging on for more humiliation. With infidelity, we're often forced to take actions way before our hearts have caught up. I wasn't out of love, nor was our marriage on the rocks. I had no idea he was prolifically cheating - so I was in no way prepared to end my marriage, yet that's what I had to do. He wasn't going to fix himself and he had no intention of divorcing me. I had to do the dirty work.

And, oh the whiplash - effectively cancelling our futures, without a fully realized, or desired, plan B in place.

It's hard af. My heart is still playing catch up. The entire process of ending a marriage that you didn't choose to end is terribly sad.

I wish my ex would move thousands of miles away. Not fearing running into him will certainly help the healing process, severing all ties, getting rid of the last of his crap - it will all help.

You will be okay and it will hurt because an atrocity was visited upon you by a con artist and liar. It's not your run of the mill headache.

99problems posted 5/10/2021 21:25 PM

I didn't like the feelings I had when I filed for divorce. That was incredibly painful.

I really, really liked getting the final divorce decree 10 months later. (Longest 10 months of my life, but many people have a lot more trouble and I am grateful)

Filing for divorce was the first real step I took on the path to healing.

Alonelyagain posted 5/10/2021 21:31 PM

Relieved, empowered, and determined.

Chili posted 5/10/2021 21:39 PM

Hey TG:

Wondered how you've been doing.

First - absolutely you will be ok. And I'm pretty certain you won't be "on your own." I don't mean that you'll necessarily be partnered up (although you could be if you want that). But I mean you have too much light and love and good things to give the world to not be sharing that with wonderful people in your life - friends/family/other healthy non-life sucker types. I'm quite certain you will blossom.

How I felt with the first legal step? Terrified. Like I was a failure. Furious. Ready to be done right that very second. Embarrassed. Horribly sad. Yup - all over the place.

Felt that way at the final legal step too - had a friend in town with me and we had a lovely celebratory lunch then I had to ask her to go drive around for a while so I could curl up and sob.

Weird emotions will hit upon you at the most random times. Stupid, but part of the process.

I think it might help with him getting out of dodge. Having his presence around I think just prolongs the pain. You will get there with not caring. It won't be long before he can never ever hurt you that way again. Won't that be lovely?

BearlyBreathing posted 5/10/2021 22:31 PM

Itís not what you want. But it is what you need. Itís not fun but is the beginning of the end and once youíre through that it feels so much better. Hang in there. You are going to be just fine

WhoTheBleep posted 5/11/2021 10:46 AM

I felt like I took my power back. I was telling him, "What you did was wrong. I deserve better.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:51 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 5/11/2021 10:49 AM

My first legal step felt so uncomfortable and abnormal to me. It still does (my legal separation should be complete this month). It was something I needed to do to protect myself. I still see it that way, but that's about it.

TheWrongOne posted 5/11/2021 13:16 PM

I'm looking forward to filing next week. I want out of my sham of a marriage. I'm tired of being lied to and cheated on, and I cannot wait to become sexually active again with a different partner. I know that is shallow reasoning but it is the truth.

dogcopter posted 5/12/2021 10:34 AM

I had been living in it for so long, I found that nothing much changed. I had already cried all my tears (usually in the shower so nobody could hear). I had already gone through most of the stages of grief. Not a lot changed.

I was so nervous when I met with the lawyer the first few times. I was not used to doing things behind my wife's back and I wasn't ready to tell her at that point in time. I was worried she would look in my phone and find that I had started the process. I hid copies of my affidavits in the attic and only worked on them when nobody else was in the house. It briefly went through my mind that all that nervousness over getting caught must have been what she lived with for the past five or so years. I couldn't do it; living a double life would have killed me!

After I told her that I was going to file, I was no longer nervous; that feeling too has vanished. I walk into the lawyers office and wait in a chair. I read sports blogs and sometimes forget what I'm there for.

I still have sadness... I had unbelievably deep sadness when I asked for the divorce. That feeling never seems to go numb, but it's not overwhelming anymore. It just is what it is now.

I feel some relief. I feel guilty that I have relief.

I feel guilt that I gave up on someone who is a sick love addict (possibly BPD).

But after the initial awful two weeks following me telling her, things inside have returned to something somewhat normal. It was hell, but the body can't exist in crisis forever and the mind finds ways of getting out out of that state if you've been in it too long.

barcher144 posted 5/12/2021 13:59 PM

I don't think that there is any wrong feeling as to how you should feel.

When I finally accepted that divorce was imminent, I went through 4-6 weeks of feeling almost manic. Meaning, I didn't do anything stupid or dangerous (as manic people tend to do), but I was incredibly happy... like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I know other people have had a similar experience as me.

It's seems common that most people, however, either actively second-guess themselves or they begrudgingly are doing the right thing.

I'll say this... I think that I waited way way way too long. I think that normal people should be second-guessing themselves or at least doing the stiff upper lip thing.

Marriage is hard. Divorce is painful. That's kind of how it is, you know?

Tallgirl posted 5/12/2021 21:35 PM

Ellie, thanks so much. I sure got the signed papers. I am now buying him out.

Skeeter it really is like cancelling your planned future. Like the final door, about face to somewhere else. Destination unknown.

Alonelyagain. I wish I felt all that. Good for you.

Chili, thank you so much. You are kind. I sobbed right before I signed. Even though I was angry too. Felt like a wingnut. It is my NOT 27th anniversary on Friday. Fancy that. Pls join me in wine consumption. 😋

Thanks BB. It sure is unchartered territory for me.

WTB, good for you. That must have felt awesome to take your power back. Love it

TheWrongOne, hey, there is nothing shallow about being a healthy person. I am right there with you. I totally agree. No more nun for me. Just need to find a volunteer. 😉

Dogcopter, I wonder why guilt is so prevalent. I feel guilty I couldnít for give him and try again. And objectively I know there is no reason at al for ME to feel guilty. You sound like you are making it through very nicely.

Barcher, so true, that is kinda how it is. Well put

Thank you all for sharing. I appreciate it. I havenít been here too much lately. I realize I have missed it. 😊

Shehawk posted 5/12/2021 23:10 PM

I'm looking forward to filing next week. I want out of my sham of a marriage. I'm tired of being lied to and cheated on, and I cannot wait to become sexually active again with a different partner. I know that is shallow reasoning but it is the truth.

I can relate to this. I was/am so angry about my celibate marriage! So very angry about the lost years he was getting his needs met and ignoring my needs and desires.

TheWrongOne posted 5/13/2021 11:35 AM

They say whenever one door closes another door opens, and I think most of us here are ready to run out that door.

Marz posted 5/13/2021 12:10 PM

You should start thinking ahead.

Where you had no future you now can make one.

Cutting a cancer out of your life will allow your life to flourish.

Dump a cheater, gain a life.

A lot will stay in a shitty situation only because they are afraid of the unknown. Your future gets to be what you want or make it to be.

No more looking over your shoulder wondering.

Start putting one foot in front of the other. Youíll get there.

Hippo16 posted 5/14/2021 20:54 PM

I cannot add much to what others have said.

When I was told I was being divorced - it was both a bit of agony (but not much of a surprise) and a bit of relief. Yes relief. The unhappy relationship and abuse was now on a firm path to an end.

So it is with you.

I congratulate you on finding the courage to "sign" as that is the beginning of a firm path to future happiness.

From what you have posted over the time here, I gather you are a "catch" and the only worry is finding someone who will not betray you and yet make you happy.

That is a lot like prospecting for gems or gold in mine tailings.

Tallgirl posted 5/21/2021 19:52 PM

Thanks. marz and Hippo.

He will be out of dodge next week. I am grateful. I found out he was still lying about her. How is it some grown ups think omission is not lying? He swore he never talked to her again. I found a photo of a card she sent him while we were still talking about maybe R. No address, just his name on the envelope, she either met him at work or left it on his car. I know it is truly moot now. I am angry again for believing in him. I am certainly more secure in my decision.

I am certainly worthy of honest, respect and love.

When do you naturally stop calling someone your husband.

Marz posted 5/21/2021 22:27 PM

You donít get it yet. This is who he is always was and will probably always be.

I had your problem when I was younger. Iím honest so I thought everything else was too.

NOPE !!!!!

Countingsheep65 posted 5/22/2021 01:19 AM

I too did a legal separation due to financial reasons.

I started to feel like I was the sneaky one, going to all theses attorney appointments behind his back. He would come home and had no clue what I was up to.

But....when it was time to serve him the papers is when I got wound up. He got served at our business! I wish I could of seen his face. Sends me a text just saying, ďI got the papers ď I did not respond. Felt a bit empowering really, because now he knows I mean business.

The power in the words written that he was served with scared him. I wonít lie, I have got some pleasure watching him squirm!

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