I never know where to post these things any more, but this seems like the right fit.
We bought an RV a couple of months before I found out about his affair. I saw it almost like a vow renewal because that was a big purchase with the intentions of traveling together for several years. It was to me a huge leap of faith for him not just to agree to but to be so excited and want so much.
Now, I find myself on the other end of this leap of faith. Right now we are in the throws of:
-Me leaving my job. It's a very high paying job and one I have done for a very long time.
-selling most of our things
-selling our house
-leaving our friends and family
All of these things are coming to a head right now. I am almost finished with the job, we are getting ready to list our house in a week, and most of our things we aren't using have already been sold, given away, thrown away, etc.
Now, suddenly I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. I probably would have felt that way anyway. But, I realize we will be constantly together. At one point that seemed appealing to me? I mean, with caveats - we do have a few separate interests we can continue even on the road.
Lately everything he does gets on my nerves. That has never been the case our entire marriage. I hope that is just a phase, but it's concerning that I can't seem to control that feeling or do anything to divert it. I am really not sure what to even do with it.
I plan to talk to him about all of it over the weekend and sometimes people say things here that helps me jar things loose. I feel that always leads us to have better discussions.
I am still doing IC, but I have dropped to monthly. It's kind of expensive for us both to do at once, and while that's not usually a huge concern, I am trying to be more conservative now that I won't have a job. I also don't have a ton of time with everything we have going on. I think some of my fears are I just put myself in a position that now I am relying on him financially and I have never relied on anyone in that way after leaving home at 19.
At the same time, logic can kick in and I know I could get a different position, and if we are being even more honest, this actually puts us in a better place if we do decide to divorce later. All the assets are then pretty much paper shuffling rather than dealing with 20 years worth of stuff to divide and conquer.
I am not really sure what it is I am looking for, but this is a very rough time for us in a time that it should be pure happiness. I have been trying to focus on the happiness, after all what we are getting ready to do is something we have dreamed about together for a long time. I think there will be either an opportunity for some big reconnections or it's going to illuminate why there never will be.
I can even see what I am typing that I am probably putting maybe more pressure around it than I should. But, this is a major life revision. I don't want to not do it, but at the same time the closer it gets the more trepidation I have.
On the other hand (the logical one) I am ready for new career challenges, I can buy another house if I want to. I am in a good position. Why this is so emotionally scary is not a mystery.
Maybe I am just overwhelmed but I have to also think, there are a lot of phases to recovery, reconciliation. Do I want to be doing POLF in an RV on our own? At the same time I realize this could be the best thing to happen for us.
Anyway, thanks for listening to this disjointed post. I need to unwind this a bit and try and hone in on some thoughts that I want to share with him. I am a logical person who wants to move forward with the plans, but my emotions are getting out of sorts the closer it gets.