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Seeing my IC

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MyAndI posted 6/10/2021 02:03 AM

As most of you know, Andi and I are separated and my IC was once our MC.

I have come to know my IC outside of her profession; we had lunch recently and saw a movie. We've talked by phone a few times, and there's been some emails and texts.

She told me last week that she longer wanted see me as a client, and that her history as Andi and my MC was no longer fitting because she is in fact a marriage counselor for those trying to reconcile. A few days letter she called.

We like each other and are really just friends right now. We've had some good laughs lately. I like her company and she knows me pretty well, so what the heck.

We haven't planned anything for the near future but my gut tells me we'll go out again sometime. She's a fabulous dresser, wonderfully groomed and fit.

I most likely will never tell Andi because at this point it would be none of her business and I expect her to move on too.

Not saying I'm getting serious about this Gal, but I like the company of a smart woman. She's been single for many years so there's no husband to piss off.

I think I'm seeing that I can move on. For years now I've been looking for permission, hoping to get tossed to the curb, is that messed up or what?

[This message edited by MyAndI at 2:06 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

Sceadugenga posted 6/10/2021 03:33 AM

IMHO, the counsellor is overstepping the ethical boundaries of her profession. In many parts of the world there is a moratorium on pursuing any personal acquaintance with a former client. If I remember correctly, depending on the exact location, its typically 5 or 7 years in the USA, although some therapists believe there should be a lifetime ban.

Another brow-raising point I saw is the fact that the thought of there being a husband to piss off even crossed your mind. Does that mean that you would have, even for a second, considered continuing that acquaintance/friendship if there was a husband in the picture?

forgettableDad posted 6/10/2021 04:39 AM

I most likely will never tell Andi because at this point it would be none of her business and I expect her to move on too.
Move on too? Are you moving on to your MC?

I don't know man; reading through your last few posts and process. It kinda seems like you form attachments and/or "emotional" connections to women really really fast. Add to that your zig-zagging on decisions and it seems like there's a solid foundation that's missing inside you.

Let's rephrase it. What do you think "moving on" is exactly? Because it reads to me like you're still acting out with your ex-partner as a lodestone.

I know it's not very politically-correct these days but given the inherent built-in differences between men and women maybe find a male IC?

ironworker81367 posted 6/10/2021 05:33 AM


Just my opinion..
That MC is way out of line.. I mean she should have her license revoked.. Im sorry but the shrinks don't get to pick and choose who to date through there client list.. I know you and Andi already had a rocky road to patch but the MC just jump in and swoop you up... Now my question is what lie will the MC tell Andi about not being able to see her any more?? Because all boundaries have been broken by the counselor..

ironworker81367 posted 6/10/2021 05:34 AM


Just my opinion..
That MC is way out of line.. I mean she should have her license revoked.. Im sorry but the shrinks don't get to pick and choose who to date through there client list.. I know you and Andi already had a rocky road to patch but the MC just jump in and swoop you up... Now my question is what lie will the MC tell Andi about not being able to see her any more?? Because all boundaries have been broken by the counselor..

beauchateaux posted 6/10/2021 06:35 AM

Um, this is NOT okay, IMHO. What the heck??

If I recall correctly, this is the counselor who unloaded on your wife for 'wasting everyone's time' or something and said she didn't want to work with her anymore, and you felt very validated by it at the time. The REASON this relationship has evolved into 'not okay' territory is because now you have to reframe any and all advice she's given to you, and also to your wife.

If she was interested in you, then was she ever really trying to help you two save your marriage? Did she ever have your best interests at heart? Did she have Andi's at heart? How long has she been harboring the desire to see you 'outside of her profession'?

I agree with ironworker - this is completely unethical. And I'm concerned about you saying something like this:

I most likely will never tell Andi because at this point it would be none of her business and I expect her to move on too.

It's none of her business if you date other women, now that you're separated. Fine. But you don't think it's pertinent to her, even a little bit, if the MC that you two were seeing together for help might have had an ulterior motive while she was still officially engaged as your therapist and BOTH of you were her clients?

I'm sorry, I know you're separated and I know your wife has betrayed you and lied to you as well, but I can't help but look at the things you've done since separating - falling back into bed with OW with very minimal coaxing on her part in what was literally the first couple days you were on your own (if I recall), now flirting with the idea of dating your MC (I mean, geez, man) - and wondering if somewhere, subconsciously, you're trying your best to punish your exWW by doing things that you know would likely upset her way more than finding out you've started dating random women she doesn't have any prior connection to.

Maybe something to unpack - with a DIFFERENT counselor.

In the meantime, a lot of your posts are about women who may or may not be interested in you sexually. It doesn't exactly come off as bragging or boasting, but I do see a hint of you seeking validation in the interest (or even the potential interest) of these other women (the OW, the 'ladies of the St. Elmo's Fire Gang', now your marriage counselor) - again, I could be wrong. But maybe something to consider - again, with a different counselor. Maybe pick a male therapist next time...

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 6:37 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

Chaos posted 6/10/2021 06:37 AM

I have come to know my IC outside of her profession; we had lunch recently and saw a movie. We've talked by phone a few times, and there's been some emails and texts.

This is highly inappropriate and completely unethical. For you both. And I think you know it.

MyAndI I say this with the utmost concern for your well being. Please - check yourself before you wreck yourself.

gmc94 posted 6/10/2021 07:21 AM

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

DaddyDom posted 6/10/2021 08:06 AM

I'm just going to be honest here, and I hope I don't break any SI rules in the process, but I feel like I need to say something.

I honestly don't trust or believe you MyAndI. I stopped responding to your posts a while ago because each one seems to be worse than the next in terms of what has happened and how you have responded. Are you really that broken? Perhaps. But my gut keeps telling me you are trolling us. And for me, this post confirmed suspicions. I don't believe you. At all.

Is it impossible that this happened with the MC? Yes, it is physically possible. But it makes zero sense. No MC I know would EVER even hint at having a relationship with a client outside of the office, it would be the end of their practice. But even that is not what convinced me here, because there are stories of people in this world (school teachers, priests, daycare workers, etc.) that have had inappropriate relationships. I get that. People are weird.

But what exactly about you and this situation made the therapist stop and think, "Hey, this guy is CATCH!"? The infidelity? The complete lack of self-respect and empathy? The way you jump into relationships at the drop of a hat? That sexy sense of selfishness and inability to commit to anything?

I mean, I would be no less shocked if you went to the doctor and said, "Help me quit drinking alcohol" and the doctor instead replied, "Nah, I think it would better if we were alcoholics together". Nope. Sorry. I don't buy it.

You are welcome to think what you want of me, but I do not believe a word you say. And if what you are saying is somehow the worlds most F'd up truth, then I can't help you, because you show no desire to be helped. Even in this post, you aren't asking for help, you are bragging, and looking for attention. Stop it.

EllieKMAS posted 6/10/2021 08:41 AM

I guess my main question with you is why on earth do you seemingly feel such a pathological need for female validation? Why is it that you feel such a need to brag about this woman or that woman? Why do you feel such a strong attraction and need for such inappropriate partners?

I think that bears some thought and unpacking with a male counselor since you are clearly too raw and fragile right now to deal with having a female counselor.

is that messed up or what?
Yes it very much is. And I think you know that, deep down.

An MC doing this goes beyond the pale of all professional conduct, and if I were you, I would start being really concerned that this woman clearly doesn't have her head on straight. Not only for violating her professional code of ethics, but also because (and I say this with all concern for you and not blaming you for it) you're a hot mess right now. You are a walking red flag. And for her to be encouraging you in such a startling manner and seeking any sort of relationship with you right now tells me that there is something way off about her.

Catwoman posted 6/10/2021 08:48 AM

I agree with DaddyDom--you don't sound as if you are seeking help. You sound as if you are seeking approval and validation from this board.

Neither are forthcoming from me. The MC/IC is wholly out of line and should be reported to her licensing board. No ethical MC/IC should be going out to lunch and a movie with a current or even former client.

If you had a shred--just one shred--of decency, you would report this woman, go completely NC with her and find another IC to deal with your issues.

Cat

maise posted 6/10/2021 08:50 AM

But what exactly about you and this situation made the therapist stop and think, "Hey, this guy is CATCH!"? The infidelity? The complete lack of self-respect and empathy? The way you jump into relationships at the drop of a hat? That sexy sense of selfishness and inability to commit to anything?

I mean, I would be no less shocked if you went to the doctor and said, "Help me quit drinking alcohol" and the doctor instead replied, "Nah, I think it would better if we were alcoholics together". Nope. Sorry. I don't buy it.

You are welcome to think what you want of me, but I do not believe a word you say. And if what you are saying is somehow the worlds most F'd up truth, then I can't help you, because you show no desire to be helped. Even in this post, you aren't asking for help, you are bragging, and looking for attention. Stop it.

All of this.

HellFire posted 6/10/2021 09:05 AM

Daddydom FTW

BraveSirRobin posted 6/10/2021 09:09 AM

You are welcome to think what you want of me, but I do not believe a word you say. And if what you are saying is somehow the worlds most F'd up truth, then I can't help you, because you show no desire to be helped. Even in this post, you aren't asking for help, you are bragging, and looking for attention. Stop it.
My thoughts exactly.

LetItRain posted 6/10/2021 09:25 AM

You are welcome to think what you want of me, but I do not believe a word you say. And if what you are saying is somehow the worlds most F'd up truth, then I can't help you, because you show no desire to be helped. Even in this post, you aren't asking for help, you are bragging, and looking for attention. Stop it.

Couldn't have said it more clearly than this ^

wildbananas posted 6/10/2021 09:32 AM

I very recently started seeing an IC and part of the paperwork I signed beforehand clearly stated that if we ever saw each other in public, she would not acknowledge me unless I acknowledged her first and even then, our contact would be minimal. And she would 100% refuse all social media contact as it would be highly inappropriate.

I don't know if that is standard practice (the forms I signed) but this situation just feels icky to me. Maybe start over with a male IC and explore this?

landclark posted 6/10/2021 09:38 AM

I honestly don't trust or believe you MyAndI. I stopped responding to your posts a while ago because each one seems to be worse than the next in terms of what has happened and how you have responded. Are you really that broken? Perhaps. But my gut keeps telling me you are trolling us. And for me, this post confirmed suspicions. I don't believe you. At all.

Yep, all of this. I feel the same way, and I think you're banking on people believing/trusting everything they read on the internet.

And if you truly do live in such a very very small town that everybody knows everybody and that's how the OW found out so quickly about your separation, it's also only a matter of minutes before AndI finds out about this, whether you tell her or not. **ETA and then SHE could easily report the MC, assuming the MC is actually licensed. And let's not even get into licenses and code of ethic violations that are a very real thing and have structure around this very topic, that you're implying are being completely ignored here.

So very many holes in your story.....

[This message edited by landclark at 10:19 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 6/10/2021 10:31 AM

Put me in the same camp as the others. I do not feel like this can all be true. I feel like you may be lonely and need something from us that we can not provide. I hope you will seek out IC for real. You do not have to ask me not to post to your posts, I won't after this. I have compassion for others but I think you need more help than we can offer here.

jadedangel posted 6/10/2021 11:15 AM

I've been following your threads for a bit and all I can say is "WOW".

I have come to know my IC outside of her profession; we had lunch recently and saw a movie. We've talked by phone a few times, and there's been some emails and texts.

I bet this isn't the first time she has done this. She ought to be reported because she apparently does not care about her license to practice.

You are not ready for a relationship. You need serious IC and have a lot of work to do before you are even close to being a safe partner for someone else.

Invest in yourself and leave the women alone for the time being. But IMO, I think you are similar to my former father in law and just cannot be without a woman.


WalkingHome posted 6/10/2021 13:28 PM

You seem to have a serious obsession with having deep female relationships that are sort of good friends...and then cross into something else.


Frankly...as a guy...that is kind of strange. It's great to have friends in all walks of life but yours seem to consistently fall into an odd category.


I think the above is correct...you likely do need some help that is well beyond an internet forum. I hope you find it.

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