SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just getting some thoughts out here.

Back when my husband and I were dating, I initiated contact with a guy who I thought was attractive. I said something to the effect of "I have a boyfriend, but I just have to tell you I think you're so hot." (I was maybe 20 or 21 at the time, and this was through MySpace)

He responded with "I don't care if you have a boyfriend, what's up with me and you hanging out??"

I had a feeling of panic and realized this could really happen. I could do it. I instantly decided NO, I am not that person and I don't want to be that person. I couldn't hurt my husband (then boyfriend) like that. I knew it was wrong.

I never responded to him and I never did anything like that ever again.

There are lots of little moments like that where one makes a conscious decision to go further or not.

Initiate contact.

Respond.

Flirt.

Exchange numbers.

Open the phone, navigate to the number.

Write text.

Send text.

Begin forming relationship.

Imagine having sex.

Talk about having sex.

Plan where it could happen.

Think of lies to tell spouse.

Figure out how to cover your tracks.

Get ready, get dressed, get in car.

Go to the meetup spot.

Take clothes off.

Etc etc etc.

Thinking of it this way makes it so obvious this is not some mistake. It's conscious and calculated.

And as badly as I want to (because we have a life and kids and house together), I just can't get to a place where I feel good about continuing in a relationship where someone could do that to me.

I get so annoyed when people say it’s a mistake. No, it was a series of choices, like you said. A mistake is trying to open the car door of a car that looks like yours. Having sex with somebody who is not your spouse/partner is a choice.

I absolutely agree that it's conscious and calculated.

I had similar experiences of being hit on - that I rejected.

BONUS! I even told my WH about them.... and he was balls deep in his PA at the time.

Last time prior to dday I was out of town & called/told WH about what had happened. WH got super PO'd, screamed that he didn't want to hear about it, etc. I thought it must have hurt him to know I was out of town and had opportunities for an A.

Just this moment I wrote "should have been a huge red flag".

And I deleted it, bc it should not have been a red flag. Being frustrated/angry bc another person is hitting on one's spouse isn't necessarily a red flag for anything. It would sure as heck frustrate/anger me too.... and I never cheated.

I mention bc I see that little moment I just had as another way of showing how deeply buried our own shame about "how could I not see it" can become.

In any event. I agree.

AND

now that you've come to terms with the bologna that is "it just happened", or that our WS are able to engage in such calculated, callous, behavior.... how can this perspective help YOU heal?

A mistake is trying to open the car door of a car that looks like yours. Having sex with somebody who is not your spouse/partner is a choice.

YES! Absolutely not a "mistake."

now that you've come to terms with the bologna that is "it just happened", or that our WS are able to engage in such calculated, callous, behavior.... how can this perspective help YOU heal?

For me it's such a clear answer that this is not a good enough relationship for me. The instant I found out I wanted to kick him out. I didn't ONLY because we have kids and I wanted so badly to be able to spare them the hurt of divorce.

(I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage "for the kids," but if it was possible for it to be good and me to feel good in it, I wanted to explore that)

I wanted to take some time to see if I could get past the hurt, to see if he was going to really change, and to see if this could work.

But it didn't get easier for me, and he didn't do major things I'd asked him to.

I've just asked him to move out recently and we told our kids yesterday. They are crushed and I am just angry and heartbroken that he's done this to us.

I'm going to take our time apart (3 months for now) to just focus on myself and heal, and see if he does the necessary self-work, and see if I even care at that point to consider giving him another shot. If we didn't have kids, I'd walk away and never look back, but it kills me to see my kids hurting like this and I tried so hard to avoid it.

Absolutely correct, it is not only a decision, but a series calculated decisions.

Many of the apologists and mental gymnasts here is argue otherwise, however this is the closest thing to an absolute fact in this universe.

I completely agree. I get so angry when he says "it just happened..." I always correct WH and tell him it didn't just happen, you made choices and decisions to allow it to happen. Another one I hate is "it was just a perfect storm..." All of these just absolve the WS from taking any responsibility. They all have control over their man or lady parts, as well S their car, cell phone, mouth, etc. OF COURSE IT'S A CONSCIOUS DECISION YOU CHEATERS! And we are not so stupid as to believe otherwise. And when WH says it's my fault on top of all this? Yeah, that's why R isn't possible.

I have always been faithful. Ike many here, I'm just not wired for cheating. When I was married, I had to leave my wife for a post bachelor's program, and so I lived in Rez for 12 months. I worked for student housing as a Don, and as a result, worked with many, young, attractive women. There was one in particular who confided in me that she felt safe being around me as I was fully committed to my wife. She was right. There was literally nothing on this earth that code induce me to cheat. That's why I call bullshit on the notion that any of us could cheat.

Initiate contact.

Respond.

Flirt.

Exchange numbers.

Open the phone, navigate to the number.

Write text.

Send text.

Begin forming relationship.

Imagine having sex.

Talk about having sex.

Plan where it could happen.

Think of lies to tell spouse.

Figure out how to cover your tracks.

Get ready, get dressed, get in car.

Go to the meetup spot.

Take clothes off.

to add:

Do it over and over and over again, do it with a variable number of different people.

At least my Ex never tried to give me the "accident" nonsense, at least past the inital gaslighting before a 6 week EA turned into 5 PA's.

How can these people spout this garbage to their BS's and keep a straight face? (spoiler, it's because they are bad people who do bad things and don't feel bad about doing them)

That's why I call bullshit on the notion that any of us could cheat.

Same. I don't believe it. I would never.

Do it over and over and over again, do it with a variable number of different people.

And as with my husband, for a decade+

It's not just a conscious decision. It is thousands of conscious decisions. Maybe ONS isn't thousands by itself but the mindset, attitude, openness to it are decisions made before hand that count as many decisions in themselves. LTA - thousands.

csaiht,

Good for you that you knew it was wrong and you stopped it before it got out of hand. So sad that your husband didn't know when to stop.

The cheater chooses to cheat. Then when caught says it’s ax “mistake”.

The only mistake was getting caught.

Funny thing is I used to tell my H this: there may come a time when you may decide you don’t want me or the marriage. If that’s the case — please don’t cheat. Just be honest that things have changed. It will hurt but at least I will still respect you.

Of course he cheated first and then decided he did not want to be married to me any longer. So typical.

My WS used the mistake word just last week (for the umpteenth time).

I told him, "hand to god, you use the word mistake one more time to describe a five year affair and I will not be responsible for what I do next."

His response: Ok, you're right. I shit all over the best person I've ever known. You didn't deserve it. And then when you found out, instead of ending it, I shit in your mouth.

Um, ok I mean that's better, harsh, but more truthful.

There's no question that an A is a mistake at a macro level. But it's no accident. It wasn't just a slip. It was a set of calculated decisions that led to a predictable outcome.

They didn't trip down the stairs and end up screwing on the way down.

Buying Diet Coke when you were supposed to get Coke Zero.... that is a mistake.

Going over to the bakery and shoving 15 donuts in your face…… That’s a choice.

In MC, my FWS was made to answer a line of questioning during the timeline review that made it painfully clear that he had made a series of very deliberate choices that led to his initiation of the affair, and every subsequent aspect of it. A lot of "Then what did you say/do? Why?", over and over again.

He never used the word "mistake" again. And he never got away with replying, "I don't know why..." ever again. I think that he realized there was so much more to conducting an affair then having sex outside the marriage (which is bad enough, but not the half of it).

BTW this process took several months, almost as long as the A itself, but I appreciated it being dissected on that level, and apparently the MC thought it was practical and necessary. Subsequently, FWS took this info into his IC to do the real work. Hopefully, that is. We shall see.

I'm impressed with your MC, HardKnocks.

Oh yes...conscious decisions. The person I never was fell into my husband's lap during yoga classes at the gym, the rest follows your so well described moments. Everything my husband did was deliberate and quite conscious.

When I discovered his affair, we separated for three months. He went to live with his AP. Another conscious decision.

This gave me much needed time to understand myself, to become the person I am today...I worked on me in IC.

I feel for you and your children. Mine are adults, but they were shattered by their father's decisions about his AP. It was hard on them as well. They were so angry!

I wish you and your children well. I admire that you say you will take the time to heal yourself. It is a good discovery journey. Many ups and downs, but in time, yes you will feel and live the good that is in you.

I'm impressed with your MC, HardKnocks.

.

Me too, steady! When the MC asked FWS to recall the previously referred to "Just a Casual Lunch Date (#1)" on the timeline and asked, "So were you sitting across from her or side-by-side?" I knew I had found a gem. I really needed that win.

This weighed on my mind a lot too.

I had countless times where I was presented with opportunities to cheat, men being a little too flirtatious, attention online or in person, old friends and flames trying to reach out etc. And I always made sure to not respond, ignore, block if necessary, remove myself from the situation etc. Conscious choices to be faithful because I never had interest in attention from anyone else.

And the stark difference makes it so hard for me to process the fact that my WH made entirely different choices when he was faced with similar scenarios, and sought out interactions like that.

It's made the whole thing so much harder to process and seriously highlighted how deliberate each choice is made along the way.

Completely relate