SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking back over the past four years I came to the conclusion that there seems to be less of a stigma on the cheater than there is on the betrayed. Has this been your experience?

Yes.

I think it has its origins in the mistaken belief that the BS must not have done things in the marriage to force the WS to stray. After all, if it were a happy and fulfilling marriage, why would someone stray?

This belief fails to challenge the WS and put the responsibility for the decision to cheat on them. We fail to look at the WS's decisions and actions and hold them responsible for the same. This enables the WS to blame the marriage for the cheating instead of themselves. That's quite convenient for the WS and devastating for the BS.

There's a lot of chatter about "affair-proofing" one's marriage, and it's the greatest of myths. One can only affair-proof themselves. They cannot control another's actions by their own.

In my own marriage, I could have cheated. After all, my ex traveled extensively (think gone either 3-4 weeks at a stretch or traveling several times a week), leaving me solely responsible for two small children while holding down a full time position. I chose not to. But it would have been, based on the "theory" above, "understandable" if I had cheated because he wasn't around.

Those weren't the vows I remember taking.

Cat

Cat:

As usual, I believe you are right.

When I spoke to people about my WS's affair, most asked me what I did to cause it.

Some asked me if I had cheated and was her affair retribution.

When I insisted I had done nothing to cause her to cheat, they claimed I must've done something because good people don't cheat.

I ran into some of that too. And I just tell myself that anyone who says such crap clearly has not been cheated on - lucky them. It is truly one of those life experiences that you just cannot understand until you have been there. And I also remind myself that what other's think of me is really none of my business. The people who matter to me know the truth.

When I insisted I had done nothing to cause her to cheat, they claimed I must've done something because good people don't cheat.

I think you've cut to the chase here.

Good people DO cheat. Bad people DO cheat. People cheat. People cheat in good marriages and in bad ones.

Just as people say that luck is found at the corner of opportunity and preparation, affairs are found at the corner of opportunity and self-manipulation.

While opportunity is self-explanatory, self manipulation involves all of the things that a WS tells themselves to give themselves permission to take a stroll on the slippery slope.

S/He won't ever have to know about this.

S/He hasn't been a good partner (this is usually untrue)

The marriage has been bad for a long time (also usually untrue)

I haven't been happy in a long time (also generally untrue).

S/He works too much, isn't involved with the kids, is involved with the kids too much . . . you get the picture.

A big challenge of healing from an affair is peeling back all of this self-manipulation to get to the core reason, which is because the WS made the choice to do so. The longer the affair goes on, the more "layers" of this self-manipulation are put on the "reasons" for the affair and the more difficult it is to peel them back.

This is what makes "the marriage/spouse made me do it" such a lifeline for the WS. Now someone ELSE buys in to the self-manipulation. Yippee.

Not.

Cat

I have started saying

#untilithappenstoyou

I think people falsely believe that if the bs "caused" the betrayal then they (the person blaming the bs) is somehow safe from a similar fate.

This is flat out victim blaming.

Would they say the stuff they do out loud if he had hit me in front of them? Would they have turned away?

No I did not wear or fail to wear something or do or fail to do something that caused my WS to make the choice to cheat.

And no. I don't think I should work on what I did to make him do this, not make him more upset at me by demanding to know the truth, and just make good memories with him/ try to works this out with a man who became my abuser.

Until. it. happens. to. them.

I lost friends after WH cheated. It was crazy.

Cat is right - it was assumed I had done something "wrong". F that S. I had done NOTHING wrong - he was/is a selfish shit that only thought about himself. Not the 3 kids we had, and certainly not me.

I think people are afraid that they can't "affair proof" their marriage. The BS MUST have done "something wrong", so they avoid that, and they are safe. When they are faced with the BS doing nothing "wrong" they panic and bail. It's too close to home - and could happen to them.

I stayed and we are in a good place (most of the time) but the marriage is toast. I am emotionally prepared for WH to leave at any time. I'd be sad, but not upset. I will not be unprepared again.

In my experience the cheater has it worse. I have been called a "patient man", a "stand up dude", and "unbelievably kind when you consider what she has done". No one has called me a dumbass except myself.

I think there is a stigma to R, "the new shame" of staying with a cheater. However, cheaters are almost universally reviled, and the default advice is "leave". I've heard my fWW and those that have cheated that she is close to (three other women she is close to for those of you not familiar with my story) talk about feeling that they are now just a "cheating bitches" and if that's what they are called from now on, they deserve it.

There is also some stigma for the betrayed that is related to the "unmet needs" fallacy. But I haven't really felt anything like that personally.

No one that I've told my story to has blamed me, said I was a bad husband, or in any way shunned me. Among those that know, my wife clearly feels some social pressure and shame. She is tentative and careful with her words. Among those that don't she is basically back to normal. I previously made a post talking about her obliviousness when she told some friends we hadn't seen in a while that we had a "rough patch, and were at each other's throats". She would never say that to the people that know.

I think when you are in R, one important thing to remember is YOU are forgiving and rebuilding with your fWS. Why would you want society or your social circle to continue shunning or shaming her for what they did if you are going to stay with them? This might make that social stigma seem less because they are trying to be courteous to you, the betrayed, the one that has to deal with it every day in your mind.

In my experience, I can remember asking myself two question repeatedly:

1.) What did I do to cause this? Nothing!

2.) What did I do to deserve this? Nothing!

Even I, initially, tried to figure out some way to blame myself. I think I did this as a way to explain it to myself so I could fix it.

I think there is a stigma to R, "the new shame" of staying with a cheater.

This has been my experience as well vs. being asked what I had done wrong. If you go to pro-cheating sites or forums, you will see a ton of the BS did something wrong talk almost always from people who have cheated. However, move over to the other side and it's a ton of "you're crazy to stay, they're vile humans, etc.". So I guess maybe it depends on where you're looking or who your friends are.

I've told several people in real life and have not once been made to feel like I somehow did something wrong. Well, ok, one of the APs accused of me not meeting his needs, but coming from a paid cam girl, that doesn't really mean much.

Has this been your experience

Nope. When a WS has so many affairs he can't even remember how many, much less most of their names, and some of those affairs are Craigslist strangers met in parking lots, Ashley Madison clientele, and at least one woman with a penis (still can't figure that one out, likely just escalation of impulsive behavior)... Kind of hard to blame the BS. All signs point to him.

In fact, far from a stigma, I get accolades for not losing my mind and ending up in a straight jacket. I admit, I like the admiration. Feeling pretty strong these past few years.

For me there has been.

Ive noticed this in a number of the relationships we have that are aware of her affair. I also might be sensitive about this subject but I notice in more in the women, her friends, female family members etc. I once actually caught/overheard a few of her acquittances speculating in a very cruel and crass way about what it was that she wasn't 'getting at home' that her affair partner was able to provide.

ps I realize this is just my personal experience and not fair to generalize.

R

I once actually caught/overheard a few of her acquittances speculating in a very cruel and crass way about what it was that she wasn't 'getting at home' that her affair partner was able to provide.

I hope those are now former acquaintances.

Hmm I'd agree there is a stigma but not more so than on the guilty parties.

For instance I think understanding and tolerance is changing, in the UK a high member of Parliament was outted for an affair with his personal aide. There is outrage at breaking social distancing rules he enforced on the rest of us. And serious questions about her salary for 15 days work a year. However there has been an extreme backlash mainly on social media rather than the mainstream media. About how foul they both are. There is huge outpouring empathy for her husband and his wife and all the children. Media have been called out for labelling the wife "humiliated" on social media because the only humiliated people should be the two badly behaved guilty parties themselves. Nowhere at all have I seen any indication the BS maybe at fault.

This could be because hes an intolerable idiot anyway but I was pleasantly surprised the narrative was supportive to the BS's.

However I do believe there is still some underlying thought there is something wrong with the marriage or bs rather than just the ws. And I think there is a HUGE stigma to consider staying. That's the debilitating part. As if being betrayed isn't hard enough you're judged heavily by everyone that knows if you decide to try and work through it.

That for me was really crippling.

On dday I went nuclear with exposure to shut down any misinformation that could have been spread about my role in WS's affair. It helped with our mutual friends and family but I still get negative comments from strangers sometimes. Those people are naive to what true infidelity is. To know it you have to go through it. And I don't wish that on anyone.

Yes.

I’ve been reading forums dealing in relationships, and read some dreadful comments; betrayed wives being told it was their fault for lack of sex for their ‘poor’ husbands who just had to have extra, betrayed men being told that it was because their ‘poor cheating wife’ was dealing with the lions share of the family chores and felt unsupported. Absolutely no context to support these unsubstantiated claims. I read the other day someone telling an angry betrayed wife who was understandably ranting about the AP, that the affair was 50% her husbands fault and 50% hers because she was responsible for the bad marriage that had forced him to cheat!!!!!

I agree that it’s a narrative that helps people feel like it won’t happen to them. If I’m x, y, z then they won’t cheat. It’s strange to me that people feel their own actions have such control over others!

But I also think the stigma happens to betrayed who are attempting to reconcile. I’ve read time and time again betrayed being told they have no back bone, they’re doormats, to have some ‘self respect’ etc etc.

I’m really tired of it tbh.

I honestly believe both of these narratives are really damaging not only to betrayed but also to the wayward. How can you as a couple create a stronger marriage if you both want to repair but this is the rubbish you’re both listening too?

I’m so grateful that I found SI so early on as without the wisdom on here, I think our reconciliation would be far from the healthy one it is!

Tentwinkletoes it’s all been hugely triggering, that video had me in tears for her. Seeing his poor wife being hounded by the press and the comments on her being ‘humiliated’ is just gross! But yes there has definitely been a backlash against it! My instant thought was I hope she finds surviving infidelity and has a strong tribe behind her because she’s going to need it. And so will the betrayed husband who has been barely mentioned!

It’s only by speaking out that the narratives can change.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 7:04 AM, June 27th (Sunday)]

There is in my experience.

The day after I found out I had an appointment I couldn't break. As I sat there telling this person I thought was a friend of the M what I'd found out...and how devastated I was was plain to see... he said something along the lines of 'you need to keep a guy happy in bed'. WTAF? I mean, maybe my WH had said something to him along those lines, since he'd also been parading his AP all around our town, apparently?

Not sure, but my now EXWH was getting plenty at home. I think it is just an assumption in certain circles that it *must* be because the wife is lacking in the sack. Pisses me off.

When I talked to my Dad, crying my eyes out, telling him my now exWH had been having a 2.5 year affair & was blaming me...saying he cheated because I cheated, my Dad asked me, "Well, did you?".

He pretty much ended my trust in people with that question. Did he even know ME?! Obviously not! (What did I expect from a person who cheated on their loving, devoted wife as she died of cancer?).

Sadly, other than my one friend who is my ride or die since Jr. high, NO ONE I used to

know holds my ExWH responsible for his actions.

I believe that's true.

I don't think it is with my good friends who stuck with me and really supported me.

I've said it many times that I'm a Born Again Christian. My observation through the years was that the church family seems to often want to have the BS take responsibility for some of the blame. It revictimizes. I think some IC have done so, too, from stories on SI. Certainly it happens with too many MC.

Even I, initially, tried to figure out some way to blame myself. I think I did this as a way to explain it to myself so I could fix it.

I’ve seen this a lot. It’s a form of hopium.

I CAN FIX THIS!!! Nope. About all you accomplish is a longer stay in self imposed limbo.

I don't remember many jokes in which the WS is the butt, and I can't think of a piece of classical literature in which BSes get a lot of sympathy.

Compared to the pain of being betrayed itself, this is a mosquito bite. (The mosquito just bites - no disease ensues.)

JMO.