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The issue is still- when, if ever, is he absolved of those earlier behaviors? I don't mean to t/j here and maybe this doesn't belong on SI, but this is on the same level as the affair. There's the lack of regard for my safety and my children's safety and health.

I dunno. Part of the reason why I'm able to "balance the ledger" is because I truly believe my WH would change it if he could. But when it comes to those earlier behaviors, could it be that maybe your WH is not sorry, or if he is that you don't really FEEL like he's sorry? And if you can't feel like he's genuinely remorseful for it, what's your confidence level that he's not hiding a grudge from you. Is there anything that he could be doing to offset it if he's not sorry? I do think it's a pickle.

The issue is not that I don't feel he's sorry.

It's more that I don't feel safe, and I don't trust my WH's judgement about who is a safe person or not. I don't trust that he is able to appropriately evaluate risk to himself or to me or his children. This is at least partly a result of the affair and behavior during and before it.

Also, I don't trust other people to be safe anymore. I'm always evaluating everyone I come into contact with carefully. I feel like a sentinel for my little fiefdom.

I get confused though. I wasn't always like this. Is this healthy? Do I need to heal? Maybe if I divorced, I could let this go. Or maybe not. Maybe this is really just a difference between my personality and my spouse's that I should accept and move on separately. I don't believe he is having an affair or wants to or will. I believe he is remorseful for that. I feel or think he is sorry for the other behavior mostly because he now understands how it upset me and made me feel unsafe. But would he go back and not do it if I weren't in his life? I doubt that.

We also have many of the benefits of our life and lifestyle because we balanced each other. I'm not unaware. He encouraged me to start our business when it was my skills only. It was successful and eventually allowed us to spend early years together not working with our children. I'm grateful. We are lucky. I wouldn't have done it without him. He has been a great father. And I have pulled him back from the riskier parts, and he counted on me to understand people and risk. He stopped listening to me at some point. He asked me about his AP before she was, but he didn't listen to my advice.

I felt this way early after d-day and less after a time. It's back. There are things that have happened recently. We are nearly in a place where we can coast on life. I don't want to police. I asked if he felt I was policing him this morning. He took a while and said he didn't feel like I was, but he felt it was equally important if I felt like I needed to police him. He has offered me multiple alternative solutions to that. It's tough. None of them feel ok.

I don't trust that he is able to appropriately evaluate risk to himself or to me or his children. This is at least partly a result of the affair and behavior during and before it.

I have this same fear. I sussed this out earlier this year here on SI -- that I'm fearful of my WW's judgement in men (leaving myself aside, of course). I fear that if we D, she'll bring a shady man like her AP into my son's life. She also wrapped up my son in the affair in so many different ways. And her behavior during the affair was that of a space alien; after the affair it was that of a defensive footdragger.

ChamomileTea:

On the other, sometimes our love is blocked by other things, like the rage I felt at my fWH's mistreatment of me. Six and a half years out, I love him, but like you, I'm a bit "meh" about it.

It is the trust in his character that is the block to an open, fully conscious love for my husband. Yes, I was mistreated during his affair...I became the target for his putdowns, criticisms, drunken demands for sex, stonewalls, I was walking on eggs, physically sick to my stomach, and yet, I said nothing, just put up with it.

D-day took an emotional load off my shoulders, as I understood then that I had become nothing more than the justification to have an affair. It was not my fault. Oh and he had tons guilt. Shame came later when I exposed his affair to our families.

Since we reunited after our separation, there is a visible effort from him in showing me the good side of him. No just showing me but doing and saying good "stuff". What drives his effort, I honestly don't know and I don't think it matters to me. I am also putting in an effort to live as kindly as I can. What I do know for sure, is that my conviction about our restart in our twilight years is the right path for me and us.

There is absolutely no statute of limitations for our life together. We will take all the time that we both need and have and live it with all the ups and downs of post-infidelity alongside our personal imperfections. We accept this.

We both realize that we have options in how we live with one another. All I ask is to be told ahead of any life changes my husband chooses to do that do not include me, and I will do the same to him. Together we will inform our families. No more intentional secrets, and no more intentional mistreatments. NO MORE!

I don't know if this is the right place to voice this, but I promised myself that if my husband ever chooses to intentionally hide anything from me concerning fidelity, I will bring on the wrath of hell of a woman scorned twice on him. I suspect he kinda knows that. Keeps me sane.

Thanks for launching this topic, CT. Your posts and the many responses have provided me with some wonderful introspection.

First, I am a long way from the five year mark. I'm more than a year from Dd1, but not a full year from the last Dd. So, I know I am speaking as a novice in this process. Thus, I am only speaking for myself.

These post have caused me to more intensely assess my discussions with my WH even now. Is it serving a helpful purpose for ME? Is this interaction just (or mainly) serving a punitive purpose for him? Is that helpful?

Because we are still "early days" in R, it is difficult for me to imagine a time when I would decide intentionally to take discussions of the affairs off the table.

Yet, I certainly want to get to a point in my healing, and in the healing of our relationship, and in the personal growth of my fWH that we discuss it infrequently at some point in the future.

It feels like these betrayals and the work to heal are part of the fabric of our relationship, and maybe like any other traumatic event that a marriage survives, it will always be something that is necessary to discuss at times.

TX posted an excellent example of the kind of trigger that I believe would be well worth sharing with my fWS if something similar happened--even 15 or more years in the future.

However, it would be good for me to always circle back to those questions:
Is this discussion truly helpful to me? To our relationship?
Is this merely meant to punish my fWS?

BreakingBad,

At first, my questions and comments about my W's A had 2 goals: 1) to get information, and 2) to remind my W of what she did.

As time went on, punishing my W by reminding her of her A became less and less important, because I saw the work she was doing, and because I saw changes in her behavior. That evolution occurred naturally, without conscious effort.

I did, however, start to check my feelings when I considered saying something about the A. Usually, if I had no positive outcome in mind, I was angry about something, and I dealt with the anger directly. That started happening about 14-15 months out from d-day for me, but your timeline is likely to vary from mine. Even if your timeline is like mine, I think the November d-day will be the key date.

IOW, you're processing looks like it's within the normal range.

Six and a half years out, I love him, but like you, I'm a bit "meh" about it.

This is basically where I am. So maybe I'm farther along than I thought? And if so, this doesn't seem like a relationship that is going to be all that rewarding long term. I can say that the irony of being a betrayed spouse is that we really do often end up feeling "I love you but I'm not in love with you." For us, it's an authentic experience brought on by being betrayed; for the WS it was just another line they rehearsed.

Anyway, I don't expect feverish romantic love every day in a marriage and certainly not long term. But I expect better than "meh."