SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Chiming in because I have a WH who has memory issues due to some heavy impact accidents he was dealt when serving. The bitter thing is, being a narc and expert manipulator, due to his poor memory, he believes the lies, it’s a nightmare no therapist can unravel and if there is one I have yet to meet them.

Here is my concerns about this.

= LTAP still in free contact. You think it’s been out of the blue but honestly if he is treating you this poorly over a piece of metal can you honestly say there was a NC gap?

= If LTAP is aware of WH memory issues she could be fishing for $. This bracelet might have been tin, she knows her crap was tossed (assuming you let her know at one time or told him and he told her??) so now she is in need of $ and will say something like it was a gold bracelet with diamonds and if he won’t return it then he has to buy her a replacement... probably do this for a few “treasures” so she can sell it for $.

= Or this is their way to meet. She thinks he kept her “treasures” (using that description puts emphasis on it’s extreme importance to guilt trip WH) so him handing them back (bet my money she would refuse postage because they’re “treasures” and could be lost) allows them to meet/hook up.

= the more she insists it’s high value the more he sees you as the villain for tossing it.

= due to the pressures and fears around the pandemic, reconnecting with past APs seem to be the flavour of the year on pro-adultery forums. So many write about wanting to check in, see how they are etc etc, this bracelet is such a weak excuse I can help speculate this is her trying to fire things up again.

To defuse you need to devalue the bracelet and refocus your WH. You need to ask WH why this is important, May as well have the hard talks if you’re looking towards door option D. You could ask WH to describe this “treasure”, say you will check to see if it’s around, when he describes something say “oh, no, that was never the bracelet, her bracelet was [describe something cheap/ugly], she is either lying to get $ from you or must have given that bracelet WH describe to one of her other men she was screwing around with, she never gave you that one only a [cheap/ugly nothing] one, but I’ll see if that [cheap/ugly trashy] one is here.” Devalue this bracelet, highlight it’s unimportance, because the more he cannot remember and the more she insists this is some super valued bracelet he is lost.

IDK so much more than just a bracelet here, there is smoke and I don’t think it’s coming from this stuff she suddenly wants back.

NMSB - Similarly to hockey, concussions, head trauma, memory loss being mentioned, the topic of your WH verbally abusing you and your children was mentioned. Reading "children" (not knowing their ages, thus I asked) being abused is triggering. My heart is beating slightly less so knowing they are adults removed from that environment.

If you’re only in this marriage because of financial reasons and you don’t love him, detach, and things like his mistress messaging him won’t matter. Water off a duck’s back. You won’t be in situations where your husband is hollering at you because of some dumbass bracelet his floozy got him decades ago. Disassociate until the housing market benefits you, then escape.

Good luck to you and your situation.

@LostInHisFog I love your breakdown of why the bracelet is possibly so material to the OW & WH. Unsure about the recommendation to discuss it with him. He doesn’t sound like a person she can have any fraction of a rational conversation with, particularly when it comes to his mistress. Like navigating a minefield.

Oh, man. I think it might be wise to get out sooner rather than later so that you don't get stuck caring for him as he declines.

That sounds so shitty, but he's shitty. so hey.

A few years back, I actually had the chance to listen to Chris Nowinski talk about his book, and chatted with him a bit after about wrestlers, specifically Chris Benoit's murder-suicide. And Nowinski talked about the issues and symptoms, and one of the things that stuck with me, besides an escalation in uncontrolled rage, is that the more concussions/impacts, the likelier you are to develop CTE. Someone with a handful, even if severe, is probably less likely to develop it than someone with many minor ones.

The problem is, last I understood, that they can't really diagnose it. They can make best guesses, and try to treat symptoms. And if you're concerned, push for him to get checked out. I wish you luck.

Given the situation and the memory issues that are surfacing, I would say that he needs a neurological workup to rule out any physical cause for *some* of his behaviors. CTE is real and so is steroid abuse (not accusing here--just saying it has been prevalent among professional athletes for quite some time and "roid rage" is real).

That being said, he needs to figure out why he is behaving as he is so that he can remedy it. If he doesn't, are you willing to stay in this situation?

If he is flipping his shit over a gift given to him so long ago he doesn't remember when it could have been lost or discarded, then there is something else going on.

Asking for the return of a gift given years ago is definitely fishing. Definitely. He needs to work with you on how he handles that, and flipping his shit and blaming you is not the answer.

Cat

Your WH's behavior seems odd and concerning.

First, those aren't her "treasures". It's a gift given to him years ago. AP hasn't seen them in years.

There's a part of me that wants to find a pair of the oldest, nastiest, stinkiest running shoes, find some dog poo for the soles, and stick them in a box and mail them to AP. Throw in a candy necklace too. Ok, just kidding, but I like the thought of seeing her face when she opens the box.

The discussion of WH mental state and verbal abusiveness is concerning. He's barely in control of his temper. The best thing you could do to help him may be to help yourself by leaving the situation first. It might bring him to get the help he needs. Please take care.

His behavior is abusive.

His actions are odd.

You cannot control him. I know you have reasons for not leaving, but consider separating your life from him as much as you possible can.

His behavior is highly suspect and should not be getting this upset over a bracelet from the AP. He is punishing you and deserves to be kicked out of the house with that attitude.

It wasn't all the A's that killed my M, it was the way my xWS behaved toward me after the A's.

He is punishing you

NPDs do this all the time (as do others with issues), although it can be challenging to know what you are being punished for. I agree with Crazyblindsided, he IS punishing you.

I cannot decide what he is most angry at:

You ruined his chance to speak to AP without interference or guilt.

Or

You threw out her "treasure" and he hated having to tell her that.

Or

He has been reminded that you ruined his chance to continue with his side piece.

Maybe he's angry and blames you for all of it. But this is classic punishing behavior. Narcissistic rage. It comes out of nowhere and makes no sense because it's all made up in the narcissist's head. I know he has done this ragey stuff to you before, NorthernMSB. I remember you writing about how he does this stuff and always ruins Christmas, which you love. It's not about the AP or the holidays. It's that he is abusive and quite possibly a narcissist. It's what they do--lash out at people. Forever. His only goal is to hurt you, and then he feels better. It's a tantrum.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:52 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]