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I know that OwningItNow sounds harsh right now to you. She is speaking truth. A terrible side-effect to being in a bad situation for a long time is that you adapt and things that are appalling to someone on the outside have become commonplace to you. This happens all the time. It's how we survive and we're really good at it. I read your posts and feel like you've lost perspective on what normal and acceptable is because you're living in this black cloud and can't see the daylight anymore. You get to make the final decision on how you live your life, but I promise you that this is nothing compared to the peace and happiness that you could find away from him. It's expensive to leave for sure, but I've never made a greater investment in my future than what I spent to leave.

NorthernMSB,

I'm ignorant of your situation and still haven't read your profile or previous posts.

I've been in the position you were in yesterday. It's panic-inducing and awful. Sorry. You came to SI for immediate help, and I felt it was best to concentrate on the situation at hand rather than to discuss your entire situation.

The reason I suggested to let it play out is to get the unique opportunity to know how your WH thinks and feels at this point in time about you and your marriage and the AP. The key phrase here is at this time. My WH and I have been in many conversations about the affair since D-day where he stops me to ask if I'm inquiring about his thoughts back then or right now. I get confused myself.

Here's the thing- your husband told you directly yesterday what he thinks of the marriage and you and himself and her at this time. He told you his priorities right now. His priority is 1) what he wants, 2) what his previous AP wants and ? He didn't even mention your wants and feelings.

You aren't ready to leave. I get that. I don't want to kick you when your down, but your husband has spoken. He has told you where you stand. I think you should do something about it if you don't want to go through this poo again.

t/j sorry @DevastatedDee I am not sure why you quoted me in your post. Was that directed at me, or supposed to be an example of how not to be? That I was being abused? Just trying to understand. Thanks.

Well, after what I thought was the end of it (he was at work all day and I chalked it all up as an unfortunate incident), this whole thing just came up again.

She gave him a bracelet and a pair of running shoes in 1988. Imagine that. He has maintained over the years that I threw it out. I don't remember doing it with any ill intent because I didn't know the scope of the betrayal until 2019. I assume it got purged in boxes that were discarded through our various moves over 24 years.

I am quite happy the items are gone now but honestly don't remember when or how they are gone.

Anyway, he came home from work, had dinner, was watching CNN and then went upstairs for a minute. No hostilities or anything. Came down and sat down and lit into me for throwing out the bracelet. I said I'm sure I did a decade or two a go but don't know when. He was actually yelling at me about the bracelet, maybe he wanted to send it back to her since she asked, etc so on. I had no right. Again, we went through our stuff many times and chucked stuff. Maybe he did it.

Basically right now I don't care. its gone but he wouldn't let it go, kept on me about this fucking bracelet until I literally put headphones in and turned up my music and told him I couldn't hear him anymore.

What the Fuck? He is deranged. or flat out stupid.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 5:53 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

Not remorseful at all.

SisterMilkshake He never has been which is the reason this will eventually end. Just got a nice project today so I will squirrel that money away.

NorthernMSB put a date on the calendar. Stop getting comfortable. Why does your husband even say he is still around? He treats you HORRIBLY.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That shit is unacceptable. You two had an agreement. He not only shit on that agreement but then he went to maximum effort to prove he does NOT "get it" and that he's still willing and able to put the whims of an OW ahead of your feelings and your sense of security.

It's up to you what you do with that, but yeah.. I think it's as bad as it looks.

I’m sorry, but the “you had no right” to throw out a gift from an AP of 20 fucking years?? That shit is almost laughable. It’s not, because I know this is not the response you were wanting from him. But what the actual heck?

Of all the silly gooses, he is the silliest.

Underserving Yes, laughable but I am astounded he took a run at me about this today. The subject was basically closed, and he dragged it all up again to be indignant about it? Seriously. I didn't know they only dated for 8 months either until yesterday. Seems like a pretty short time to develop this over the top love of my life bullshit. Anyway, I was pretty blasé about the stupid bracelet before but now I am thrilled it is sitting in a landfill for the last couple decades.

Hey Northern - as a fellow BS with a WS who doesn't get it, own it, etc. and has not quite yet pulled the trigger on D, just want to send you hugs.

What an effing jackass.

He is SMEARING your nose in it. He is cruel.

He just took ANOTHER run at me, like for real, about the bracelet. What the fuck is going on???? I am so confused. IF I threw it out, it was at least 12 or 14 YEARS ago. He is literally sneering at me and yelling about what kind of person throws out someone else’s “treasures” For real. After blowing up my life cheating with the woman who gave him said bracelet. What the actual fuck?

This is surreal.

How cruel. What a jerk!!!

Hang in there.

You know, I'm actually kind of concerned now. This is totally irrational and although he is an asshole, he isn't quite this much of one.

I have actually told him for the last 3 months or so that he might want to go see our doctor because he's always had kind of vague memory issues about things that don't matter to him generally. But the last year and especially the last bunch of months has been off the hook bad. He will say something and then literally not remember less that 10 seconds later. Will watch a movie with me and then the next day have no idea which one. Many times I am left looking at him and going are you serious you don't remember??

He in the last 10 years has gone from being generally a bit of a dick to truly awful ranting and hostility. It isn't just me who is the target, both of my boys won't get into any conversation with him because he can blow up anytime. He asks me for our address EVERY time he needs to give it to someone. Doesn't know it.

We had a conversation a bunch of years ago when that Will Smith movie Concussion came out because it scared him. He asked if I thought he had chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). My husband played hockey from 4 years old to his 20s. He played professionally and was known to be a brawler both off and on the ice. When I spoke to teammates, him, and his family the estimate for probable concussions was in the double digits. And he just kept playing after being knocked out sometimes, like the same game.

I am genuinely getting concerned here. Yes, he's an awful husband but I think something is going on here, for real. not making excuses.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 8:23 PM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

Were it me, I'd take out a giant home improvement loan, stash a good 50% of it, have some work done and then if & when the house is sold, be that much ahead.

Now that said, I know someone very much like you -or seemingly so. No matter what life tosses at her, she plows ahead and makes the best of it. No complaints. I admire those qualities.

I wish you well.

It isn't just me who is the target, both of my boys won't get into any conversation with him because he can blow up anytime.

NMSB -

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to express something without completely utterly hurting or offending you. I’ll say this, I work tandem with child protection social workers, which is likely why this statement leapt out at me. I don’t know your boys’ ages but based on this statement, I hope you’re referring to adult children who don’t live in the home.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 2:48 AM, Thursday, August 5th]

My WS was mean when we were trying to R and he had never, ever, in the history of our relationship ever raised his voice at me or been mean to me. Ever. They react when they have to deal with this shit.

If he has a health problem he may go to a doctor. But WHY is the meanness surrounding OW a day after she contacted him?

My WS is a sex addict and when he was deep into the porn addiction I also urged him to go to the doctor because I thought he had had a stroke. It was actually the effects of his addiction.

I know you said your sons are grown. Do they live there?

t/j sorry @DevastatedDee I am not sure why you quoted me in your post. Was that directed at me, or supposed to be an example of how not to be? That I was being abused? Just trying to understand. Thanks.

It wasn't meant to be about you, I'm sorry. I should have quoted more selectively. What I was driving at was your suggestion that it takes a long time to R with many stumbles and that the stumbles the OP has been slammed with are the sorts of things that will break a person over time and leave nothing left of her, assuming he was working on being worthy of R for years and years.

My kids are adults. And no. they do not live here.

And this is NOT focussed around dealing with today or the cheating.

Never mind. Everything here is thought to link back to infidelity.