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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed


Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

Your description of the events leads me to concur that you have made the one choice that has been left for you to make.

I wish you strength and courage and grace as you move through this very difficult process of healing from infidelity while divorcing with young children.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 156   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8698420

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 6:35 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

My guess is that there were far more OM and for a much longer time than you're aware of. Either that or your WW admitted to the therapist that she is trying to do something sneaky with the impending separation. I think it's up to you whether you want to go or not. Some people are fine assuming it's worse than they knew and some people really need to hear it for themselves so that they can let go of that last little bit of hope they may have been holding onto. There's no right or wrong answer here.

posts: 5078   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8698423

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 7:11 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

The therapist insisted I come. And told me to "not trust my wife whatsoever"

This is spooky. Are you checking your financial accounts too, maybe call Experian, Equifax and TransUnion to freeze your accounts temporarily?

I do wonder if she's ruminating about a false DV report.

I have never heard of a therapist doing something like this.

posts: 167   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8698427

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 7:17 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

This is not good. What are the law regarding recording in your state. You may want to have a var on you.

making it through

posts: 1290   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8698429

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 9:28 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021


She’s never been to the therapist. She goes on the first time come tomorrow.

I called and vetted the therapist gave her a quick break down if why we were coming to see her, and why my wife need to keep going to see her.

Sorry if that was confusing. I think a lot of you think she had already seen her.

The therapist wants me there for the first session to make sure my wife covered all the bases and does not lie about anything.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8698443

straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 9:41 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

Did she ever share her thoughts with you about who she thought the father of your second daughter was, and if she didn’t care, why not? I understand if you don’t want to say.
I expect there would be a way for her to spin it, like, whoever the biological father is, she wanted you to be the Dad.
Can she see the other side? The side which is dishonest, exploitative and unkind, because kind of decision had to be yours.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 40   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8698446

medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 12:05 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

The therapist wants me there for the first session to make sure my wife covered all the bases and does not lie about anything.

And it will be the shortest therapy session known to man because just as the pope is catholic, your STBXW will listen to the therapist for 10 minutes at most and decide that they are ganging up on her and she will be out the door before you even pull your CC card out to pay for that session.

This will happen regardless of if you were there or not.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8698452

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

I am so sorry to hear, OP. I mean, in realizing its time to D, you definitely moved forward in making the ONLY decision you really had. But I can imagine what a rough weekend this had to be for both you and your daughter.

That your WW's IC wants you there for the first session is a sign that she is likely one of the good ones. She knows the yarns WWs like yours are likely to spin, so she wants to shut that all down premptively. Or at least that is what it looks like.

Your daughters are lucky that you are there for them. You know already that your 8-year-old probably is really confused and your WW is prone to telling your daughter nonsense, please keep an eye on her questions and how she is seeing the whole situation.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:10 AM, Monday, November 15th]

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8698460

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 12:56 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Hey Ark,

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. Listening to the anguish of your daughter must have been soul crushing. As a father to two daughters, I get it. But maybe a few words from the other side might help.

I struggled for seven months, deciding whether or not to pull the plug and fracture my family. When I finally decided, I felt peace for the first time in years. Peace mind you, not happiness or joy or anything positive. The pain was still there, but there was something else, something far deeper. It was as if I had settled where I knew I should be.

We did an nesting arrangement for a year while the house sold, and it have me a chance to get myself sorted. I found a two bedroom apartment with my two girls and it works. It was close to school and work, and it gave them each their own room as they don't always get along. I sleep in the dining room. Which I have converted into a bedroom with the help of an armoir and curtains. Not ideal, but cozy.

We have been there just over two years, and my girls are well. We laugh, we live, we go on. Even though it was difficult, they adjusted. I think it was me that struggled the most. Not only was I grieving the end of my M, I was struggling with feeling like a failure as a father. But after three years, I have realized I'm not. I have realized that fact comes in all shapes and sizes.ours is just different now.

You are at the beginning of your healing process.i fact, it won't really start fully until you physically separate. You will make your space your own and you might come to savor the time you spend there with your daughter. You might even discover that you will become even a better father and man without the dead weight of your WW. I know I did.

One funny thing about my life now is that it is remarkably stress free. I'm sitting in a pub marking while a pot of stew cooks at home. I'll pick up my younger daughter and take her home with me, as my oldest lives with me full time. I always have a comfort meal made for transition days, mostly to have them associate coming to dad's with positive memories, but also because my STBXWW is a lazy POS who hates cooking, so I score extra points...haha.

Hang in their my friend. You have so very many people pulling for you. You can and will do this and do it well.keep posting, keep reading, and keep hoping...

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1181   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8698462

faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 2:13 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Ark04l, if you decide to go see the therapist:

1) Bring a Voice Activated Recorder. Record the session. Start it well before the session. Don't sweat the laws. You need this evidence for yourself. And don't set it to voice-activated. Just record everything.

2) Do not admit to any accusations or characterizations that your wife may throw at you: "No I didn't do that.", "I don't know what you are talking about", "That is your characterization. I am not going to argue with you, just say what you have to say."

3) Be prepared for HER THERAPIST (capitalized to emphasize this therapist is hired to represent her best interests, not yours) to turn on you or get you to be part of the problem, or a "cause" or "contributor" to her cheating. Do not go for it! - Even if the therapist is sensible, your wife could be setting up some type of ambush to get you to agree to something. She has no leverage. You do you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:32 PM, Monday, November 15th]

posts: 892   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8698473

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 5:55 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Your way out of Infidelity is to D your WW. You will go your way, she will go her way. Why does it matter whether she goes to IC?

Because you have chosen D, your way forward for healing is to get her out of your mind.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1483   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8698490

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 4:30 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Her going to IC is important to me.

It allows her to hear from a professional how fucked up this all is. And what she should be working on from this point on. I don’t think she’d ever go if I announced D.

So for the sake of me, and my daughters in the future. It’s important she gets help.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8698534

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

So for the sake of me, and my daughters in the future. It’s important she gets help.

Yes this is true.

It is also true that you need to protect your daughters from any future damage or exposure to your wife’s poor choices.

Sometimes it is not enough to love people. Sometimes you have to make the hard choices.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11149   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8698538

Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 10:54 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Completely agree Ark.

1) For your daughters. 2) because you will have to co-parent and 3) because you're a decent guy with some degree of empathy despite the trauma she caused you

posts: 440   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8698597

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:22 AM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

Her going to IC is important to me.

It allows her to hear from a professional how fucked up this all is. And what she should be working on from this point on. I don’t think she’d ever go if I announced D.

So for the sake of me, and my daughters in the future. It’s important she gets help.

I think you're doing very well, Ark. You don't have any kind of timetable so there's no rush. I would recommend though that you don't get so invested in making sure she does her IC that you end up making big concessions. If you still want separation, don't allow her to distract you from that be inferring that she won't do her work. She's already tried that, right? And the answer to "not willing to work" is "here's my lawyer's business card". YOU aren't the one who put this marriage in the crapper. She is. She doesn't get to negotiate terms. Anything you offer, even if it's a temporary reprieve while she establishes in IC, is on YOUR terms.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8698631

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 5:24 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

So for the sake of me, and my daughters in the future. It’s important she gets help.

You don’t have to go scorch earth during your D. At the same time, it must be clear that your STBXWW is free to do anything she wants with her life.

After signing the paper, I did help my WW with her college studies, it was good for her therefore good for my kids, but at the same time, she started dating and I didn’t care.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1483   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8698707

Grace8At8Tab ( new member #74459) posted at 8:22 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

Hello, Brother Ark. Welcome to the worst club in the world to be a member to. I just have 2 points I want to share with you.

I'm a member here because I was my ex's rebound. She had a decade long relationship with a childhood friend who married someone else he met in college. After we dated for 6 months she asked me to marry her. I declined initially because I was sure I'm just a rebound. But I can only resist so much. Think of a tall Amy Adams with a postgrad. Married for 3 years and cheated on for 11 months. Absolutely no red flags. Didn't use phone in my presence, sex life the same, time together never different. She still noticed if I had a haircut, or when i got new clothes. I only caught her because she forgot to turn off her PC with a pdf of her CC bill with charges for a hotel room.

But I now realize that however devastating for me to go through that hell, it's nothing compared to what you are going through. The only thing I can tell you right now that is a complete truth is that it will get better. I know this for a fact. You will have to find your own way through this just as I have, but through it you will. It's like being forced through a tunnel with only one exit. You have no other place to go but out.

My second point is regarding how you caught her. I'm not trying to be insensitive and if I am I'll leave it to the mods to delete this. It's about her telling you that the reason they communicated after she gave birth was to break off the affair and her eventually telling you of it. I have a different take. You said on one of your post that until the paternity results were known, the cheaters were not sure if the boyfriend was the father. They were face timing because they were acting like a family with a new member. Your STBXW was so into the relationship that her boyfriend's p*n*s was literally just inches away from your daughter 2 weeks before she was born; they were not about to break up. Which makes all her narrative suspect.

You said your therapist adviced you to not believe in anything she says. At this point, it's sage advice.

Good luck. I'll be following your progress.

posts: 3   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Northern Border
id 8698744

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:21 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

Ark, if you're going to D, there is nothing you can do to enforce that your WW is going to continue in IC and or will tell the IC the truth. She is a known cheater and a know liar. I think you need to stop trying to control the outcome on her end.

Once you send her divorce papers, she is going to become combative and she is going to spin this story just as she has been trying to set this up. It is important for you NOW to game plan for your divorce and how that plays out in the public opinion and with your kids.

Your wifes text about how shes willingly moved away from a man who was hitting on her at the sushi bar (if that was even real) is a set up to make you look like the bad guy. Just know going forward, you need to combat, b/c your WW is very likely to show that to your kids as well. Respond back, and tell her that you are no longer showing her affection b/c she has cheated on you, name the AP in the text and with some details. Screenshot and shave those messages. You prepare for the worst and hope for the best. The worst is coming, b/c your WW is not one to accept that she is wrong. She is going to blame you for this blow up and for the D happening. Guarantee she isnt going to just volunteer to others that she cheated. Once you file those divorce papers, don't be surprised if she changes her story altogether and deny any affair took place. That is what they do, this is how the behave. Before you know it, you forced her to cheat b/c you werent showing her any love, withholding affection, spending too much time working, you name it. She is going to sell that story to whoever will listen.

So file for D, don't bother with the IC. You have zero control once the papers get filed anyway. Don't waste your time trying to control something you cannot.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8698757

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:03 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

You want to fix her badly. Most do. Only she can do that. Let her go. Save yourself. Staying in this won’t get you a thing except limbo.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8698774

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

-polygraph is today.

What are the questions that will be asked?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1483   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8698869
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