SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No unmet needs fallacy. No pick me dance. Step one, end the affair permanently, get absolute transparency, no contact sent in your presence.

Want to see what doing MC early yields?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/642801/wife-of-almost-ten-years-is-emotionally-cheating-on-me/

There you go just one of many future time machines you can take here to see how it plays out.

If you finish that thread (doubt you will but at least browse the beginning). I can give you the rest. But ultimately I asked for a D (divorce) one year after I found out. And now we are in reconciliation.

I used to be trusting like you used to be. I understand your pain, brother.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:05 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

The level of disrespect from your WW is off the charts. Go see an attorney. File for divorce. If she comes around and the two of you decide to stay together you can always stop the process. BUT, given the absolute level of disrespect and brazen behavior committed right in your face, I can't imagine how you could ever want her to continue being your wife. She will contact the AP again. You know that. Throw her out when she does it along with all her crap.

You did the right thing by confronting her and removing her from the bedroom.

You reacted in the way that sends a very strong message that you will not tolerate her disrespect and cheating.

If she continues to see the Other Man you should:

Read up on the 180 (you stop being her husband)

Stop funding her lifestyle - stop giving $ to her, close down her credit cards and/or cancel all joint accounts

Start having your pay deposited into another account

Stop doing favors or errands for her

I think you get the message here.

5 years is considered a relatively new marriage. Cheating at this stage is not a very good start. Moreover, like a typical cheater, she is blameshifting by telling that AP was making her feel the things you couldn't make her feel. The disgusting thing is that she has no regret for what she did and continues to be with him. This definitely shows that she is not R material. This isn't really something anyone sincerely trying to work on their marriage would want.

It's good that you stopped doing pick me dance, don't come back to it at any stage. Someone who does not respect himself will not be respected by others, especially if it's someone who doesn't respect you even before you start doing it.

You didn't mention what her reaction was when you took control, called her back, told her your feelings and thoughts and kicked her out of the bedroom. Her behavior at that time can also provide important clues.

I suggest you cancel MC. The chances of anything coming out of it to your advantage are low, and it's likely to your detriment. You may have to listen to a lot of bullshit about how you made your wife cheat on you. And they'll probably tell you to get over it by sweeping everything under the rug.

Your marriage is not, but your WW is the problem. So she has to solve it by IC.

You didn't mention the details about their affaire, you think you have the whole truth, but I highly doubt that. The typical cheater gaslights and only accepts as much as you know. Since you have many texts, she must have told you quite a bit. But she probably explained that part by minimizing and sugarcoating it. If you choose to R, you will need to request a detailed timeline of their A to be the subject of a polygraph. If what you know and feel is enough to choose D her, then you don't need to know the discusting details which can cause you mind movies.

Since you haven't mentioned about kids and much assets to share, I'm assuming they don't exist. So if you get divorced, you can open a clean new page in your life. For some, D can be very difficult due to kids and financials, but this is not the case for you.

Some prefer to R in order not to lose the person they love. They think that they are reconciled with the person they married who are in love with them and respect them. But this is an illusion, they are no longer who they thought they were. Maybe they never were.

She's probably saying she loves you, but the sad truth is she's not in love with you. She gave the speech that at best "I love you but I'm not in love with you", if she didn't, get ready for it.

The "I love you" part would probably not true either. Is there someone you love but do such an evil?

In conclusion, I suggest you get a divorce and not spend any more of your life with a liar and cheater who doesn't love you. You deserve better.

Good luck.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:44 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

Well, I didn't get any sleep last night. After I kicked her to the guest room, I got a lot of very remorseful texts saying all the things I should have heard 5 days ago.

Wrote out a speech so I could say exactly what I intended and informed her this morning that the marriage we had was gone. That I am ready to divorce her.
Explained to her the conditions in which I was willing to accept starting over, or I would file. They included:

Kill MC indefinitely, start IC for both of us
Access to everything
std testing
Letter of NC and a talk about what NC will involve
phone data recovery (immediate)
full recount of A confirmed by recovered data

She accepted.

So now I guess I continue 180 and keep researching. Find out if this will hold or if I've just ended up dragging out the divorce. Willing to give it one last chance if she earns my trust and respect.

Owl - so sorry you had a need to be on SI, but I found it to be "the best club no one wants to join".

Sounds like it took a day or so, but you are regaining your agency, which IMO is healthy.

I think it's really important you seek the advice of an attorney ASAP. NOT bc you will (or will not) eventually D. But bc knowing your rights is an important part of this sh*tshow, AND bc you have received some advice (eg close bank accounts or putting her belongings in bags on the street) that MAY backfire on YOU, as divorce laws are VERY different from state to state, and even among different courts.

Another thing, painful as it may be, is that no matter what your WS has said about whether or not the A is a PA (physical affair - ie sexual, even kissing) or an EA (emotional w/o ANY touching), it is usually a good idea to get a full STD screening done... and to have your WS do the same (and to NOT have sex until the WS can provide the actual paperwork showing the results - do not take the word of a WS on this, or pretty much anything, at this juncture).

I always recommend reading "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. I'm told you can get it online for free. It's not very long (took an afternoon to read), but it's a pretty basic "roadmap" of the steps a WS needs to take to even consider R. It may ultimately turn out you aren't interested in R, which is fine too.

As to R vs D, everyone is different. If you don't feel, like in your bones kind of feel, that you have any desire to R, then so be it (NO judgment on that front). However, most (not all) BS are confused and somewhat ambivalent about R vs D in the early days/weeks (or months), which is also totally OK and understandable. If you are in that latter category, it's time for you to set some firm boundaries about what you are and are not willing to put up with to remain in the M. Some folks get there really quickly.... others (myself included) take some time on that front. We are all different.

The thing about boundaries is they are about YOU and NOT about trying to control someone else's behavior. If seeing the AP again is a dealbreaker (ie means you will D), then you MUST be emotionally ready/willing/able to immediately file for D (or to at least move out of the marital home). A good IC (individual - NOT marriage) counselor can help with that.

If you do seek IC, my suggestion is to find someone who has finished school in the last 8-10 years, as relational betrayal is a TRAUMA, and the "old timers" may not have much education or training in TRAUMA. They may say they specialize in infidelity, but haven't kept up to date (eg ask them what books they recommend and I'd bet the good folks at SI can give some opinions). If an IC EVER suggests that the infidelity was due to ANYTHING you did or did not do, fire them immediately. A marriage does not cause cheating... a BS does not cause cheating. Cheating is only caused by the cheater deciding to do it. full stop.

That's what I got off the top of my head.

Again, I'm so sorry you find yourself needing SI, and I hope that the members can provide some guidance, esp during these early "rollercoaster" days after discovery.

Godspeed.

ETA - looks like I was typing as you were posting, so my post may just be confirming what you've already done....

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:17 AM, November 17th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

In order to discourage her from withholding information, minimizing the extent of her betrayal, or outright lying I suggest she provide a written timeline (including what she said about you or her marriage) - subject to a polygraph test.

Writing it all down converts the affair (in her head) from a harmless romance into the deceitful betrayal that it is. And in order to effectively process her betrayal (long term) you need to know how you were betrayed. Otherwise you'll wake up years from now reliving this nightmare.

It's a critical foundation starting point.

Facing a polygraph discourages minimizing and withholding information. It takes control of the 'story' away from the cheater (cheaters hate that).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:22 PM, Wednesday, November 17th]

That's a good solid start. I used an immediate ultimatum also. Now is not the time for half assed measures. She's either ALL IN or you're ALL OUT. No Contact is immediate and permanent ... ANY breaches means you have nothing to work with.

I've not seen any mention of children. Assuming there are no children, I'd not put myself through the pain and frustration of R, just go straight to D. I've been cheated on and D'd and I've been cheated on and in R now in a subsequent M, so I have some experience in saying that D is by far the easiest way to get your life and self-respect back and move on.

Good Luck to you, your life will suck for a while, but the swift and decisive actions you're taking now, if you stick with them, will pay huge dividends in reclaiming your life back.

IMO you've done well under the circumstances. Nobody handles this crap perfectly. Time will tell. Your firm actions forced her to face possible consequences and a reality check. Watch her actions. They will tell the story. Her words are worthless. It is not a race. You will be on an emotional roller-coaster for an extended time. Good luck.

I suggest you both read:

"Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on studies of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity and what they did that exposed their marriage to a high risk of cheating.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda J. MacDonald and Bryan Hall

6 days until the marriage counselor appointment feels like an eternity.

This field is full of morons. She’s broken not your marriage. I see you canceled. Good.

You don’t know this guy. STD testing should be mandatory. Unfortunately that’s where she’s put you.

Upfront they tend to promise the moon. Words don’t matter much.

If they have any contact or work together the affair will probably continue.

Cheaters always lie a lot. It’s good you investigated as most will only confess to what you know.

Get strong and stay there. You’ll come out better no matter which way this goes.

Sorry you’re here. You’d better put some thought into your future.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:51 PM, Wednesday, November 17th]

OP are you truly willing to walk away? This is no time for bluffs. You really do need to have to have the mind to actually walk away to truly not do the pick me dance. Or else its just called playing hard to get.

Typical cheater script. Nothing special at,all.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Owl,

Kill MC indefinitely, start IC for both of us
Access to everything
std testing
Letter of NC and a talk about what NC will involve
phone data recovery (immediate)
full recount of A confirmed by recovered data

Pretty good work in such a short time. Its way too early to tell which way this is going to go. Your situation is pretty bad in that this OM is obviously in easy access distance to your home, and more importantly your wife did not show any signs of agreeing to stop this affair until you put divorce on the table. In a fucked up way she might have actually done you a favor by being so brazen with you and telling you she was still going to see him. I will not speculate what they were doing when you called and told her to come home but I know what I would bet on. Her behavior in essence shocked you out of denial and figuring out you were either going to do what you did or live in an open marriage that she created.

Just a few suggestions on your list above.
ACCESS TO EVERYTHING
In todays world, access to everything can be very difficult to guarantee. There are more apps out there than we can count that cheaters can use, and I am guessing by now you have figured out what a "burner" phone is. Probably not there yet because you just dropped your demands on her. And if she has a work phone and computer that you do not have access to, then access to everything may not actually be what you intend

STD TESTING
No need for any comment. Glad you included it

LETTER OF NC AND TALK ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS
I think you need to understand that the letter in itself means absolutely nothing. Its her willingness to do it with no hesitation and let you approve it that is more important. Understand that a very short time ago she was at his house and it was no secret to Om that you knew she was there and that she had refused NC. Unless this OM is a complete bozo and stupid, I would guess that he will initially suspect that her NC communication is being made under duress so do not be surprised if no matter what she says or e mails or texts him if he does not just say OK see you later honey.
It does not look like they work together unless I missed that in your post, so there is absolutely no bull shit about in person closure meetings.
I do not know what NC means to you, but I am hoping it means exactly what it says and that you do not waiver on this demand.

PHONE DATA RECOVERY

Nice if you can do it, and if she agrees to help you it would be a positive sign. It may not be possible in some cases depending on how they communicated. You already know they were having sex so you have to make the call on how much detail you want. Everyone is different.

IC/MC
obviously you were smart and took everyones advice about killing the MC. I want to caution you about IC. You have a wife who has been lying and deceiving you for months and was caught and did not confess. Why would you assume that she is going to go in to IC and tell them the truth at this early point???? And quite frankly there are a ton of idiots out there who will tell your wife NOT tell tell you all the details. Your wife can sign a document authorizing her therapist to meet with you and inform you of the basic story that you wife is spinning to them. And it is not beyond the realm of possibility that she might be told that its OK to remain friends if she stops having sex with him. Therapists run the gamut of proficient in infidelity to morons will tell her you are being unreasonable. You need to be involved in meeting with this therapist and making it perfectly clear what your expectations are.

Lastly, please do not be smitten with her agreeing to your demands verbally. She went in the course of one evening where she was going to his house to where you have divorce on the table. my guess is she was a little shell shocked. When they are cornered, they agree to anything when the stakes get raised.

I am sure you have and will be told that her actions are what counts not her words. Your next big problem is going to be how do you verify what you are being told. In your situation, with a wife who vehemently resisted immediately cutting this guy out of her life, you in my opinion are taking a big gamble not considering a VAR and polygraph.

And make sure you try to find out if any of her girlfriends knew about what she was doing. Did any of them cover for her before you caught her.

You are off to a much more solid start that many that arrive here but your struggle is just beginning.
I hope you make the right decisions.
Good luck to you.