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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Found out 2 days before my 16th anniversary

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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 2:45 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

My husband has been working out of town since June only coming home on weekends. I noticed small changes and him pulling away. 2 days before our 16th wedding anniversary(nov 13) i found out he has been seeing another woman. I found screen shots of texts i saw red and was only able to see one. He says this started as a friendship 3.5 months ago and got out of hand. They went for drinks and hung out where he was staying. He says they kissed a couple times but he told her he didnt want it to go any further. At this point he says it's done and hasn't contacted her nor her him. He is remorseful and sorry. He wants to make things work. Unfortunately he is still working out of town for 2 more weeks. Im having such a difuclt time as you can imagine especially with the distance and wanting to see the changes we are both willing to make. Our marriage was broken before, zero communication basically roommates who have sex. We lost each other. Not excusing his choice to seek attention outside our marriage as i was also seeking attention and neither of us spoke about it. Im hoping this crisis can turn our marriage around and bring us to an even better spot. For me i will no longer accept old behaviors so in a sense this has given me power. But since he isn't home yet im having a very hard time. We have had a few hard conversations but i need to see action. I dont know what im asking but i appreciate you reading and maybe offering your prospective. Thank you so very much

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701626
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lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Hugs and believe that no one ever wants to be here. It is new and you will feel that you want to get over it fast but if you don’t take the time, re-examine the relationship and do the work, this will pop up again and again in this relationship. So, first things first- this will take time. Please brace yourself. Second- if you want to be together, it will take hard work from both of you. And it won’t be a linear path of numbing, anger and sadness. I am very new to it and have not found my limbs yet but here is what helped me from what this group told me.
1) sign up for IC- no MC yet until you have some rational tools to do with trauma.
2) no contact with AP
3) I say it gently but you don’t have the whole truth. Most of us did not and until your WS admits to the whole truth, reconciliation does not start.

Someone shared these wonderful resources with me so I am sharing with you. God speed and hugs. I have no wisdom.

Listen to addicted mind podcast episode 21 and 22

These are the best podcasts I heard. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You did not deserve it and it is a choice made by your husband unilaterally.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8701628
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CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 3:10 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

[This message edited by CometGirl at 11:43 AM, November 30th (Tuesday)]

posts: 91   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2016
id 8701630
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:44 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

What is the working situation after 2 weeks? Will he be home permanently? If not you have additional challenges you need to face if he has time when he is not with you for extended periods.

What has your H to help you heal? Do you have access to his email or text messages where you can see who he is texting via phone bills?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11149   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8701654
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 9:02 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

He will be home permanently i have told him he can't return once the job starts again in the spring. He was texting her via his work phone so i don't have any access. He is also working nights right now adding to another layer. When he comes home its going to be a lot. Dealing with trying reconciliation and being home again with kids and home responsibilities after being gone for 7 months.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701662
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:12 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

I don't want to say that it can never happen. Sometimes a WS does draw the line at actual sex. But there's motive, means, and opportunity here. I'd have to agree with CometGirl, a polygraph might be the way to go. You can certainly go forward with what you have, in terms of R. If so, I would go ahead and get STD testing just to be safe.

This isn't about you, or the distance, or being lonely, or any of the other myriad excuses you might hear from him. At the bottom line, cheating is about CHARACTER. It's about how we uphold our values system and whether we have the integrity to stand on our word. My advice is to watch and see if he takes 100% responsibility for what he's done. If he blameshifts to you or the marriage, that's going to mean he doesn't get how serious this is.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8701666
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

He has already taken full responsibility, we know where we got lost but the fault isn't mine and he expressed that it has nothing to do with me and he was the one who made the choice and it was a terrible mistake. Im not sure i even want to know every detail. If he is willing to put in the work and i see it i think the details just might hurt me more.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701668
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

You cannot forgive if you do not know the full scope of what you are forgiving. You will be stuck before the starting line.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8701674
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 9:41 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Does everyone find out everything? Before i found out i was already thinking the worst! The scenarios i was making up in my head were insane

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701675
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.
That said I will offer you the same advice I offer every newbie here.

1. See your Dr and full STD testing. The one thing that you know 100% for sure is your spouse is a liar. Protect yourself everyway you can. That means getting full STD testing, I would also encourage you to make him do the same. If he is being truthful he should jump at the opportunity to prove it. If he fusses and grumbles, and pushes back, dig deeper. Generally adults that are attracted to each other stop at just kissing. I know it's a horrible truth, and probably hurts to hear it. But like a bandaid it's good to rip it off and get to the truth, because you cannot start to rebuild without it. Not in a meaningful way. Also let your Dr know what's up, and if you are older (>40) get a full physical this is incredibly stressful and more than one or two newbies had have had significant health issues arise from the overwhelming stress. If you aren't sleeping or having trouble eating, let your Dr know as well. Lastly as for a referral for a counselor that is trained in dealing with Trauma for yourself (you don't need one that specializes in infidelity, that's his problem not yours).

2. See an attorney and learn your rights, and his obligations. Learn how S or D can impact you both financially and in most aspects of your life. I have said it more than once, but will again, you can't choose the path to R until you know what other paths have offer.

3. Understand his choice to cheat is just that His Choice. That means it is NOT your fault. It also means no matter the state of your M, he still acted inappropriately, and in a way that shows he has some fundamental brokenness about him, and he has to be willing to work on himself, and fix that before you can even consider rebuilding. Additionally it was a choice. He CHOSE to do this, he wasn't forced to, it wasn't an accident, it is a series of really bad choices.

4. Find out if the OW is married or not, and let her spouse know what's up. It is the quickest way to guarantee that they haven't taken it underground and are hiding it. There's a million and one ways to hide an A with today's technology. So don't just assume it's over. Be smart, if he is angry when you bring it up, that should concern you. He should be NOTHING BUT willing to do whatever you ask to rebuild. Real remorse is palpable, and is free of anger and blame.

Check out the healing library, tons of good info there. This is a very real trauma, so do not minimize it to make it easier for him. Feel the feels, and understand this isn't something you "Get over" like being mad that he got a speeding ticket. This takes years to recover from, and your trust in him will absolutely NEVER be the same. He needs to understand this, he needs to understand and bear the weight of his own Choices. Do not swallow your anger, sadness, fear, or whatever else you are feeling. That delays your own healing.
We had a rule that there were no hidden feelings, or any lies of any kind ever again. If we thought the other was trying to minimize, hide, or fold into themselves during the early days of R we got to call bullshit on the other, and they had to stop and talk about what they really were dealing with in their own mind. It helps healing and it helps rebuilding when there is complete honesty.
Do NOT accept less. You deserve to be treated with honesty, kindness, and empathy. If he can't do that, then he isn't R material.

((((And Strength))))

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19099   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8701689
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Lemons17 ( new member #79612) posted at 11:20 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

First of all, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I don't have much advice as I'm only 12 weeks post Dday, but I wanted to say that my H stopped at kissing. He said it was a line he absolutely wouldn't cross and there are several reasons why. I know he's telling me the truth because he's been able to prove it through texts. That said, you do need to make sure he's telling you ALL the facts because you will never be able to R without the truth being out there. Hang in there...in time you will smile again.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8701690
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 11:38 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Welcome to the November 13th Dday Club. I'm 18 years ahead of you. You can get through this and be happy again. One way or another.

You already understand one very important point: it is no fault of yours. It's no fault of the marriage. It's a personal issue that your WS needs to figure out and understand. Why did he seek to sooth whatever is broken in him with someone else?

My FWW did the very common thing of trying to shift blame on me and our marriage and sadly at the time I took it because I was so traumatized and I wanted R so badly. It took me years to figure out that all of that blame that I accepted and many of the problems in our marriage were either the result of her own personal issues or her rewriting our marital history.

As others have said, it's very likely that you don't yet have the full truth. The BS that reveals everything immediately is a rare bird and I'm not sure that it's ever been proven to exist. Read the articles in the Healing Library on the Tactical Primer and Getting The Truth.

The timeline process discussed in Getting the Truth is very helpful in developing a clear understanding of what happened and when. The threat of a polygraph may be more useful than the polygraph itself. And cheaper.

I would suggest something I did myself that really helped: write you own timeline of the marriage for at least a few years leading up to discovery. Go through your calendar and emails and write out a history of events and then go through and recall how you were feeling about yourself, your marriage and your WS during that time. Note arguments and relationship discussions that you recall, suspicions that may have cropped up, everything that might be relevant. Be brutally honest with yourself in there. Don't reveal this to you WH. Use it to fact check his timeline and help you spot blame shifting and narrative changing.

Good luck to you.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8701694
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 11:56 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

I lost 100lbs and had a tummy tuck 4 years ago. I never got the positive comments from my husband i turned to soical media, i was absent. I didnt tell him what i needed and he didn't tell me how this made him feel. 3 years later he has these feelings still but now he has opportunity as he has been away from our family for work. No responsibility and seeking attention. With him being away i realized i wanted him more and his attention was on someone else for the past 3.5 months. I can pin point the changes in his behavior and when my gut told me something was up.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8701697
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

We can't tell you if your wayward husband is being honest with you or not. I hope you can read more on here to see the patterns that do emerge with most of the wayward spouses. One story that comes to mind is tx1995. I hope she sees your post and can give you an idea of what can and does happen. A lot of "trickle truth" seems to happen because a lot of waywards will only fess up to what you discover on your own. You say you don't want details. Your husband may think he has gotten away with behavior you definitely wouldn't approve of, so he may be tempted to repeat that behavior. Actions, not words need to be your guide. Hoping for the best for you!

posts: 298   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8701699
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Don't just assume him feeling bad is remorse, him saying "sorry" or "I know I hurt you" is not remorse, normally when a cheater is found out, at the very start of Dday, they don't feel remorse at all, what is going on is they feel bad for being caught doing something bad and feel guilty about being judged, basically it's all about them, the guilt and bad feelings is all internalized and nothing to do with you the betrayed at all the "I'm sorry", "I know I did a bad thing" etc is really lip service . Remorse is a much deeper emotion and hard to articulate for the newly "busted" cheater. Remorse comes from real empathy for the pain the other person is feeling because of their infidelity. It's so easy to see a wayward spouse feeling bad and low and think "they are remorseful" no, remorse is rarely a flat sad emotion.

The other thing to be mindful of is in the world of infidelity "just" is a red-flag that a lie is being told, the AP is never "just" a friend or "just" a coworker, it was never "just" a lunch or "just" a dinner, the encounter was never "just" a kiss or "just" a blowjob. If two adults who desire each other have the time and privacy for lips to touch then there was time for sex. A second dday normally follows ddays where the wayward claimed "it was just....."

Since you're still apart while he works away from home I would plan how to interact with the wayward when they return, you need to recover before you try and reconcile and to do this you need space, even if it's within your own martial house. If possible set up a spare bedroom for him and start thinking of some boundaries (like no devices after 8pm) and the devices are left on the counter to charge, you need a sanctuary 'safe zone' to go to when you get triggered when you both talk, and you need to talk, don't rug sweep and avoid confrontation, a spare bedroom set up for a few weeks allows you to mentally recharge and regroup your emotions each night to allow you to seriously weigh up R or D. Also it's not unreasonable to start impromptu FaceTime calls, the "rule" is he has to answer immediately, if he is in the bathroom or with a client then he can mute you but it's a random check in at any hour and he must answer it, failing to do this will make you assume he is with the AP and you will consider separation. Also get the APs details, who are they? are they married? If he fails to disclose these details assume he is still with AP because he is protecting her and the affair, if he is in it with you, wants the marriage, then he needs to be willing to answer the difficult questions like who this AP is. If the AP is in a relationship you need to let the other betrayed partner (OBP/OBS) know and provide your direct contact details in case they uncover new information your wayward is hiding.

Since it looks like you want this marriage, though honestly it's far too early to make that call but this is your life, download or get your hands on a book called "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it then get him to read it. It's a very valuable book and most couples working on R will recommend this right at the start of Dday.

It's coming up to the silly season, how are you going to tackle this? Some will recommend rug sweeping but I'm not from that school of mind, it's better to be apart on one Christmas day, with family knowing the why, then being an emotional wreck in front of the kids and destroying a Christmas memory. If you are planning on R there are many future christmas meals you can have together. If you are determined to do this together at least tell both parents so they are aware and can give support, you need support, don't sit on this by yourself otherwise if he fakes being the happy couple you might want to lash out which will have a negative domino effect.

Head over to the healing library and work through the articles, read that book by Linda MacDonald and maintain good hydration since your body and mind dehydrates faster when in shock and a dehydrated mind leads to poor decision making and erratic emotions. Avoid alcohol for the same reasons.

Consider typing into google "external validation addiction" and see if both of you have issues with this.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 2:09 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8701716
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:20 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

It’s up to you to decide if you want to know the details. As you said that may make it worse for you. But for many betrayed spouses the details matter b/c they don’t want to find things out later. You don’t want to be reconciling and six months from now learn there were 3 more "other women" (as an example).

But only you can decide what is best for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11149   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8701749
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:14 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I never got the positive comments from my husband i turned to soical media, i was absent. I didnt tell him what i needed and he didn't tell me how this made him feel.

This is NOT good. You should not seek external validation to make you feel good about yourself. You need to know that you worked hard and lost that weight and had that surgery, so that YOU could look in the mirror and be proud of who YOU are. If you are seeking external validation from others, even your spouse, and rely on that to make you feel good that will lead to behaviors that put you also on the slippery slope to cheating, and while a few ego kibbles especially from those that love us are nice, that should not where your happiness and pride come from.
Internal happiness, and pride will ensure that you don't care what others think and say.
Make sure you work on this in IC. As a former CoDependent, I can tell you life gets a whole lot better you don't rely on others to make you happy.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19099   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8701777
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:46 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

I am sorry you are here. It really sucks.

There are a few things that I am stuck on…..

1. You said you looked for external validation. Sorry to ask this but I think it is important to know. Did you have an affair or an emotional affair to get this validation?

2. I thought you said that your husband did not compliment you after losing 100 lbs. firstly, that is incredible achievement! Way to go! An amazing achievement. Secondly, wtf? This is a red flag. How could he not? Why not? This makes no sense to me unless you simply didn’t speak or were not friendly.

3. 3.5 months and only kissed. I would look for proof that this is true, even then, some cheaters are outstanding liars. I have a hard time believing this coupled with his time away. Do you think it is possible he has cheated before? It sounds like he hasn’t been engaged in the M for a while. If you want to read about outstanding lying check out my story.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:03 AM, Thursday, December 2nd]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8702069
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 Thoughtso (original poster new member #79633) posted at 5:05 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

1. I absolutely didn't have an affair of any kind. I was on my phone a heck of a lot of the time.

2. He has never been a warm and fuzzy, when i ask how does this look he will say do you like it? That is what should matter. I actually think he might have been threatened by my new look.

3. When we started dating in our early 20's we actually didn't have sex for 3 months. Not that means anything now but he told me in his first caught angery state that sex didn't happen he told her he didnt want it to go that far. He has since told me 3 more times no. But he most definitely could be lying.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021
id 8702135
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:35 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Wrong post

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:35 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8702160
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