SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on me after 3 months of marriage. It was a one time thing he did in a moment of weakness and I've forgiven him and we're trying to move on.

Problem is, I just don't love him like I used to. I used to think the world of him. I used to feel so safe and secure in his presence. I'm still very fond of him, but it's not the same. The way I used to love him was so pure and beautiful. It was the best thing in my life. I miss it so much. And I wonder if I'll ever feel it again. If I'll ever trust him so completely again. I feel like I'm grieving the way I adored him and the relationship we had.

I've been trying to get into see a counselor and after 2 months of waiting, I finally have an appointment next week. But, I keep having these grief/panic attacks. They're usually triggered by a memory of the before times and I end up sobbing uncontrollably for 30 mins to a couple hours. I think it is because I've not really been dealing with this sadness. I spend about 10 minutes a day writing about it, but otherwise suppress it so I can accomplish things and be productive. I don't know what to do with this sad energy.

Do you have any experience with this? I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with the grief of infidelity.

How do you know it was a one time thing in a "moment of weakness"?

Cheaters are liars that minimize and hide things. If you took his first account, it was likely sanitized and minimized and painted him in the best possible (for a cheater) light.

For example, if he went out, got drunk, then went to a strip club with his buddies, and then got a handjob. How much of that was really preplanned? How much did he actually just want to go do that, drunk or not? Was getting drunk to be weak on purpose? Often cheaters will manufacture the "moment of weakness" in order to excuse themselves of the behavior up front.

You got a complete confession confirmed by polygraph or something else to be sure there won't be trickle truth?

What did he do to earn your forgiveness? How has he changed? What does he do to assuage your anxiety and prove he is being honest and faithful now when he wasn't before?

This is perhaps the most important question:

How do you know he wouldn't make the same "one time mistake" if he ended up in a similar "moment of weakness"?

If you can't answer that question, there is still no way for you to feel safe in your M and you aren't in R.

The specialness and purity is gone forever. It is part of the permanent damage of infidelity. A lot of people have had success with some PTSD coping strategies, especially from the book "The Body Keeps the Score".

How long ago was this? How does he act when you bring up the subject? What's his demeanor been like since you found out? The answers to these questions are kinda important for your sake.

I can't speak for how long it takes given I chose to D, but I've been around this place long enough, and I have plenty of experience with cheaters, so I would concur with TIF above. Cheaters lie, and it is likely that your feelings are a result of not really dealing with the initial betrayal in a way that allows you to move forward, or it is a manifestation of your subconscious trying to tell you something. I find, at least with me, that when I repress things, they tend to bubble up in unexpected ways. Hopefully your IC can help you resolve these issues, but maybe you need to revisit the initial A with your WH and start peeling back the layers. I suspect that there are things you don't know, and your lizard brain is trying to get you to look at them for your own protection.

I am also grief stricken. I don’t know how to deal with it. It feels like a death. Something incredibly precious is gone that cannot be recovered.

I’m sorry I don’t have more advice. But you are not alone, hon. I’m so very sorry. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I'm sorry that your WS has done this to you. This should literally be the honeymoon period of your relationship.

As others have said, make sure that you closely examine this "moment of weakness" and that your WS has been able to give you a good explanation for why he made that choice and how you can be confident that it will never happen again. We see a lot of cheaters here. The "one time, moment of weakness" is a common excuse but in truth, relatively uncommon.

I know how you feel. I believed that absolute trust was part of what made our marriage so special. My complete trust made it easy for my FWW to pull the wool over my eyes during her year long A. It caused me to overlook obvious red flags. Absolute trust sounds romantic, but it's not healthy or realistic.

I had a very romantic notion of love and relationships. My W and I had "true love." It was something special and we would die before we betrayed one another. But we're just people, not characters in a story book. That means we're really just a big bag of physical and emotional needs that can be driven to do all sorts of terrible things if the right buttons are pushed.

I get where you're coming from. I still grieve that innocent, romanticized notion of love. I loved it.

But that magical notion of love was never real. That may seem unromantic, but the truth is that real love isn't magical. It has to be nurtured. Once you get past that early passionate period, it requires constant care and feeding. That requires real effort from two active partners. Being willing to put the work into that is much more special than relying on magic.

Please read through the information in the healing library. You're still early in your marriage and you should be fully aware of the real nature of infidelity. This is almost never just a little slip-up.

Seeking2forgive, your post was wise and helpful and comforting. Thank you.

PDXGIRL,
I am so sad that you are going through this. This loss has changed how you feel toward your spouse. That is heart breaking.
You are grieving the loss of the relationship that you believed you had. Unfortunately the only way past these feelings is to go through them. You have to sit with the grief and sadness as you would the death of a loved one. Your body doesn't know the difference. Feel it. Face it. Journaling is a really good way to process your feelings. Exercise also helps. Walking, running, working out, yoga, whatever works for you!
During this time make sure you eat well (if you don't have much of an appetite try to eat healthy snacks), stay hydrated (you would be surprised how much water you need to replace all those tears!), and try to rest (sleep will let your brain heal).

Problem is, I just don't love him like I used to. I used to think the world of him. I used to feel so safe and secure in his presence. I'm still very fond of him, but it's not the same. The way I used to love him was so pure and beautiful. It was the best thing in my life. I miss it so much. And I wonder if I'll ever feel it again. If I'll ever trust him so completely again.

You'll never get 100% back to that perfect love and total trust, but you can get to a better place. Truthfully this is a good thing. We tend to romanticize our loves and put them up on a pedestal. We also tend to wear a mask even with other. It is better to see each other as who we really are. Flaws and all. The people we are married to are human and can and will do things that harm us intentionally or not. Authentic and transparent should be the goal going forward. Try looking through the positive reconciliation thread in the reconciliation forum. While no one recommends going through betrayal several have mentioned that their bond is stronger because the work they both had to do to repair the damage.
This may or may not be possible in your case. That he strayed just three months in is typically not a good sign. Just pointing out that your worries about perfect love and total trust is not going to be what determines if you can reconcile.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:01 PM, Friday, December 3rd]

Aww I am so sorry PDXGIRL.. No one deserves to go through this but especially being a newlywed is very disheartening. The pain is unbearable when finding out, but it is great that you are journaling. I did a lot of that too in the beginning. I also read any book I could get my hands on, dealing with infidelity of which the counselor recommended. Those triggers will fade in time.. I do promise you that.. just hang in there. I remember running down the middle of the road crying my eyes out. I suggest running, but maybe not down the middle of the road.. ha ... Exercise, exercise.. it helps. Do you have any one to rely on to discuss things with. Also, what are his actions? He should be going to counseling and giving you full access to all his social media accounts and phone information. He needs to make you feel safe first and foremost. I will pray for you PDXGIRL that you find peace soon.

I feel like I'm grieving the way I adored him and the relationship we had.

They're usually triggered by a memory of the before times and I end up sobbing uncontrollably for 30 mins to a couple hours.

You're in mourning, you are grieving. This emotional suffering, the extreme sadness, is a very natural response to loss which you have experienced.

You are not alone, you are not overreacting. I always thought the stages of grief was like a check list, you experience one phase then move onto the next phase then the next until done... nope. There is no timeline on how long grieving lasts because it's a process and it's situational. There is no flow chart of emotions you move through, you can ping pong between all the phases of grief or just experience a few. The key is how to healthily manage and cope as you go through this, trying to stop it is harmful, you got to let it hit you as hard as it hits.

Your mourning the death of the marriage you thought you had, his infidelity has killed it, it is a death, your mind and heart are treating it as such, you can't logically talk yourself out of it, you are grieving that loss. Yes there can be a new marriage if you both work on R but it will never be that marriage you treasured so dear.

IC will help you with this grieving process because they will give you healthy advice on how to manage it as you go through it. Until your IC if you want some quick info on the why your body is acting like this there is a great two part youtube vid that explains it quite well, open youtube and type in search "Infidelity Trauma: An Interview with a Specialist Part 1" and then watch "Infidelity Trauma: An Interview with a Specialist Part 2" I found them informative and helped validate my trauma, it's not just a betrayed spouse "over reaction", it's a legitimate trauma.

Big hugs (((PDXGIRL))) this is a very useful supportive site, not just the forums if you head over to the healing library and click 'articles' there is a bunch of short helpful information to help guide you. I will say you using the term "moment of weakness" minimizes the severity of the action so maybe be a little kinder on yourself and stop thinking of the infidelity in that way. Don't vanish, post when you need to vent or if you want a book recommendation or even when you're confused and need a soundboard. Sending strength.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:13 AM, Tuesday, December 7th]

Thank you, Seeking to Forgive. You also gave me the encouragement, reminder of what a relationship needs to survive, and supporting words that am looking for at this hour. I’ve waited years to join this site as I’m aware that most (of you) will see right through me.

You’re not alone in your recovery. ❤️

I feel like I'm grieving...

That's because you're grieving. You really did lose something that isn't coming back.

In return you gained some truth in your life. A harsh truth...a horribly harsh truth, but if you value the truth, then it was a gift.

Your husband isn't who you thought he was. He isn't that guy who made a mistake. He's a different guy than you thought, that revealed himself to you. He may have revealed himself to himself too

So now you need to actually learn who that person is, now that you know who he isn't. Try to un-know what you thought you knew about him, and just watch. Watch without judgement and see him as he is. At some point, you'll decide if you want to be married to him or not. No rush.

Sending strength!

@lostinhisfog

I have just watched the video you recommended (the guy is an idiot btw!!) and the information the therapist shared I found really insightful and helped me to understand my own reactions to my XWGFs infidelity.

Thanks for recommending.

2D

It feels like a death. Something incredibly precious is gone that cannot be recovered

It absolutely is a death. Its a double whammy of trauma and it hurts deeply and you will grieve and go through all the stages of grief and probably more than once.

Recovery in a relationship that is attempting R often restarts a few times and has hitches and resets. Especially if you find out more truth or don't have the full truth at the beginning. Even though your M is new it has been killed. Your spouse single handedly murdered it. He also betrayed you. The one person in the world that was always ha e your back 100% didn't. That's a big punch to the gut.

You won't ever have blind trust again and that's ok. You will grieve. You will heal. You may find that you trust your H mostly but it will never be blind and thats ok. I'm 13 + yrs out. I dont trust my H blindly because of what he did. I also learned during my healing and recovery that the only person I trust blindly is me. I'm perfectly happy with that.
Trusting me and being wary and open eyed has allowed me to catch my kids lying and prevent them from doing things that could have gotten them in big trouble. It allowed me to figure out a boss was screwing me over before it happened and prepare. It has allowed me to protect myself in any ways because now I can spot liars like its a freaking super power.

So allow yourself to grieve. Feel the feels. Ask for support from your H when you need it. Ask him to back off when you need to be alone. Once you are on a sure footed path to R then you will find that the grief is not so overwhelming.
Personally the path through R was really rough initially and during that time I found solace and peace through work. Out of work I was a disaster. I often stayed up half the night thinking about it crying writing and getting those emotions out.
Eventually it got to where I could keep it boxed up like you are doing. Then as we did the work to rebuild our M and as we each healed ourselves the need to discuss think about the A became less and less.

So sorry you find yourself here. You are experiencing two things: grief and trauma. On top of that, normally in a trauma of this magnitude you would rely on your partner to comfort you but in this case that partner is the perpetrator of the trauma. It's really so isolating when your reality is shattered and you have to go it alone.

Please know you will get through this. Yes the relationship has changed and you don't know yet the extent of the betrayal nor the steps you will need to take to heal. What you can do is process, process, process this painful realization. It isn't healthy to suppress it - even though suppression is necessary to function during part of the day. Do what you need to get through your day but carve out that time to grieve. Read great books and articles - some in our healing library - and get to know the truth about this trauma so you can recover and eventually thrive. It's a process.

Some books that help from our healing library are:

After the Affair - Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.; HarperCollins (paper); ISBN: 0060928174

Not "Just Friends" - Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity And Heal The Trauma Of Betrayal by Shirley P. Glass, PH.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli; ISBN: 074322549X

How to Help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald - a must read for the WS but helpful to many BSs

Your feelings will change and in time you will see it is necessary. For now allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and don't worry about the outcome down the road. You may feel so many different things all at once and that is okay. Do you have the ability to connect with an individual therapist who specializes in trauma from infidelity? That would be a great step to help you cope right now. Keep coming here to express your thoughts - it can be so helpful to vent.

I hope you're hanging in there, PDXGIRL. You can get through this and be happy on the other side. It's not easy but many of use have been there. Let us know how you're doing.