SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 45, wife is 43. We got married in Aug 2005. About a year later, I had to go out of the country on business. One day, on the phone, wife told me she had invited a "friend" X for dinner to our apartment. I didn't think much of it - I knew the guy and he appeared to be a decent sort of fellow. But for many years, I carried a hunch something happened that night. When asked about it after a few years, wife pretended she barely remembers the dinner invitation.

Fast forward 9 years to 2015 - we are in a different country now. My wife was having an EA (she won't call it that) with another person Y that hurt me very much. Wife did IC at that time for a few months (her own initiative, I didn't believe anything would come out of it). I have been living in pain all these 6 years. To address it, I began IC and MC now. It came out that X was actually her ex-bf. My thought immediately went to that night 15 years ago. A few hours ago, she confessed that it was a ONS. The confession came after I promised her that there is no threat to our marriage no matter what truths come out.

I intend to keep that promise and besides I have two small children. She has been 100% faithful the last 6 years - gave me full access to her email/social media accounts. So R is the only option forward.

Right now, I don't even know how to describe my feelings (English is not my first language, but I cannot describe them in any language). It is far more intense than what the EA caused 6 years ago. I don't know if it is grief, trauma, shock or whatever.

What do I do now - in the next few days, few weeks, few months?

For what it is worth, she is totally dejected as well. The only thing I asked so far is how many times it happened. She insists it happened only once after she became my wife. We have been living in a different country the last 11 years, so nothing happened between them during this time.

I’m sorry you find yourself here. Regardless of how long ago it was it is fresh and new today. Don’t let her minimize by claiming it was so long ago.

Don’t take any options off the table, and don’t tell her “R is the only way forward”. She needs to write you a timeline, with the knowledge that one lie and you are done with the M.

Take care of yourself first, you will get through this but she has to prove worthy of R and right now it’s too early to make that decision.

English is not my first language, but I cannot describe them in any language

I suggest you get the book "Cheating in a Nutshell." It may well put into words what you are feeling. And if it does, have her read it. She needs to understand what has happened to you. The earth beneath your feet just shifted. You're questioning who you are now because your definition of yourself was woven into the picture of the two of you. You are shook.

She needs to viscerally understand this before you can move ahead.

A few hours ago, she confessed that it was a ONS. The confession came after I promised her that there is no threat to our marriage no matter what truths come out.

I intend to keep that promise and besides I have two small children. She has been 100% faithful the last 6 years - gave me full access to her email/social media accounts. So R is the only option forward.

I understand wanting to keep your family together because of your young children. I get it.

Nonetheless, you have made a huge error in guaranteing your wife she gets to have extramarital sex with no consequences.

Make no mistake - there is more than you know.

She is a serial cheater and she slept very well for 1.6 decades after the ultimate betrayal of a committed relationship.

She lied for 10 years after her alleged only 1 night stand. Which by the way was obviously planned in advance.

Then she had an "emotional affair". Or at least that's what you know of.

You're also quite certain she has been faithful because she has given you access to accounts that she may have deleted and scrubbed any evidence out of.

She may also have methods of communication you don't know about.

And she is dejected? Let me tell you, it's not because of your pain. It's because she is exposed.

But I get it. You prefer to keep your family together. Beware of the pain you are in for, because you have not gotten the full truth, so your mind will keep at it, just like the past 6 years.

And even more than getting the truth from her, you need to get to your own truth, about who your wife is.

Choose your path, but get the truth first.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:00 AM, Saturday, December 11th]

Thanks everyone for the quick responses.

I will read the book "Cheating in a nutshell".

Some more info: we are originally from India, living in Canada since 2010. Mr X and Mr Y are both in India, so unlikely anything physical would have happened after 2010.

I agree she is dejected not because of the betrayal itself, but because I now know.

I guess the marriage is changed forever. I am changed forever.

I guess the marriage is changed forever. I am changed forever.

Unfortunately yes, you will heal and you may R but the marriage is changed forever.

What do I do now - in the next few days, few weeks, few months?

I think the first thing you'll want to do is to really dedicate yourself to good self-care. Your dday is just hours' old and this kind of shock is hard on the body. It's important to eat right, sleep when you can, hydrate, avoid alcohol altogether, and get some exercise if possible to get those endorphins revved up. Don't be like me and wait too long before talking with your medical doctor. I was so sick to my stomach four months after dday that I'd have divorced my fWH on the spot if I thought it would make the queasiness and aching go away. Talk with your doctor about stress management.

I don't know about "Cheating in a Nutshell". I've heard it's a good resource for describing the anguish a BS goes through, but I've also heard that it leans toward divorce. Since I haven't read it myself, I couldn't tell you. You might try How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald in tandem with or instead of. You might even find a free copy for download online. It's a short book and I think it has merit for both the BS and the WS. It will go through quite a bit of that information regarding the anguish a BS goes through in order to open up the WS's eyes to how serious the situation is. But it also give the BS a good idea about what they should be seeing in terms of work from the WS, describing the attributes of "good rebuilders". It's a pretty easy book to start with and although it has some Christian overtones, there's nothing that impedes upon the messaging. Another good one, particularly for your WW to read is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I like this title because she has a really effective method for working on boundaries.

You'll be dealing with a lot of feelings over the next few months while you grieve for the marriage you thought you had. There are going to be some really challenging days, I'm not going to kid you. Just remember that whenever you start feeling overwhelmed, it's a good time to BREATHE. If you look up the term "four square breathing", it a very easy technique that can actually lower your blood pressure and focus your mind. You will get through this. We're all living proof that whether the answer is R or D, we do recover in time. You will too. The pain might seem terrible at times, but it is temporary and finite. Count on it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:37 AM, Saturday, December 11th]

"The only thing I asked so far is how many times it happened. She insists it happened only once after she became my wife." This sounds like it may have happened prior to your marriage as well?

Also, huge error in promising no D if she discloses. She owes you that, regardless of outcome...this is a time I'd consider going back on your word.

I don't get the ONS part.
It was an ex (so it's not only "once", it was "again").
She invited him over for dinner for when you were away.
I'm sure they were both expecting "something" to happen.
So it was planned and not spontaneous.

The timeline is called for here: how it all came about.
Who contacted who, and how.
How long were they communicating?
How was it they arranged to meet up, at your place, while you were gone.
She should explain how extra special she made things for him, for old times sake. The dinner, the table setup, things set up just right for them to sit near each other to start it off, and of course, the bedroom all setup to be the most inviting it could be.

Expect to have a rough ride at least for months over this. I hit the bottom about 5 months out, and that was faster than others. And recovery is very slow. The doubts and loss of full trust is forever.

Your situation is compounded by the knowledge of the follow up EA with Mr Y. Is that it or is there more?

I agree, you don't invite an ex for a ONS. It was definitely planned by the both of them. It is also highly likely that it wasn't a one-time thing after or before the fact.

Yep, I third what Beb and Rugswept said. This had to be planned and more than likely just a smaller part of a bigger A.

You may also want to re-look the recent EA with Mr. Y. Were there any meet-ups between them, was the guy local, do you still have the phone she was using at the time, how did you discover?

[This message edited by DeWittle at 12:33 PM, Saturday, December 11th]

One option might be to remain in the marriage, keeping your emotional distance, until the kids get older, then divorcing. If things are tolerable, you can stay indefinitely.
As others have pointed out, it seems unlikely that someone who has cheated twice that you know of has refrained from cheating other times.

I think you need to require your wife to provide at timeline of both the PA and EAs.

Since she's a serial cheater, IMO it's likely there's more to the story about the Ex/AP1.
And there may be others that you don't know about.

You need to investigate whether her affair with the Ex/AP1 continued while she was engaged (and into her marriage).
Did the affair end because she moved to another country?

Inform your wife that sex outside the marriage is not the only reason people divorce. The lying and deceitful behavior (as well as the sex) has destroyed your trust in her.

You can forgive her. However, unless trust can be restored, there can be no rebuilding of the marriage.

Therefore, her first step in rebuilding trust is to stop withholding information that she feels will hurt you or make it more difficult to reconcile. The amount of information you need is entirely up to you (not her or her therapist).

Can you describe her EA (e.g., who, how they met, did they meet face to face, secret/private frequent communication, spending too much time with him, topic of conversation)?

And what were her responses when you confronted?

Was this an arranged marriage? It can be difficult for some of us to understand how that works. We are not judging, just not conversant with the steps it takes to become engaged etc. Was it a love match for you? Was it for her? This sounds like she had the ons fairly soon after marriage. Perhaps she wasn’t as dedicated to you and the marriage. This is no excuse for her cheating, just trying to fill in some info.

I think you need to get real with her. Don’t ask her why. She did it because she wanted to. Ask her, instead, why she was not more dedicated to you from the beginning. Why were she and her bf broken up? Why did they not marry? Lots of questions for you. If you are interested in staying married you need some very strong boundaries within the marriage. Start with lying and cheating. Your wife might be showing remorse right now but she has managed to treat you and your marriage as afterthoughts. You need to be aware that getting a cheater to change is very difficult so look ahead. This is when you need to look at options for you should this fall apart. It’s called getting your ducks in a row.

I'd like to add that R is a good possibility here.
She was off the reservation, but not in the extreme (from what we know).

You MUST however, get all of it out of her, right now: for your sake and for hers.
For her: it'll be embarrassing and shameful and difficult for her to admit everything.
That's exactly what you want her to feel so she can experience the fallout of these huge betrayals.
An A is a life changing event. It changes us forever and it can radically alter the direction of life.

For you: without EVERYTHING you want to know, you'll constantly stew with this in your mind, forever.
Either get it all out or your M will really suck.

I do think from what you said there is possible recovery here, but you are still at the start of that road.
A fake rugsweeping solution is the worst way to go. I know. That's what I did. It doesn't work.

So R is the only option forward.

Not true.

In fact, statistically not likely. A lot of things have to happen just right, and there are some uncontrollable unknowns that you have to get lucky with, to pull off a successful R. You just found out, and you really don’t know whether you will be able to accept this ultimately. You’ll have to see.

I suggest you tell her that you were wrong, that you truly had no idea how it would hit you (ever shot yourself in the foot? I bet it feels different than you’d imagine) that the marriage is truly at risk, likely to now fail. It’s not a manipulation, it is just stating a truth. And now is the time for truth, in all things.

Best of luck, friend.

One thing I have come to accept as a truism is that cheaters lie... a lot. And they are really good at it. They know their faithful partner well and leverage that knowledge against them in an effort to hide the truth.

There is a general narrative arc that almost every new BS follows here. Their WS confesses or is outed, and they get a very sanitized, pared down version of the truth. We tell them that there is probably more and to brace themselves for more disclosures. They respond that their particular BS is not like that and they move to R far too quickly, only to discover more depths to their betrayal. They come back and tell us we were right, and then the real work begins.

There is a mythic Chester's Handbook we often refer to in this place. It's like a script cheaters follow after Dday. In reality, it's just a set pattern of behaviors that cheaters follow that are instinctive on their part. Very few, and I mean very few waywards come clean right away. So the odds are there is more, much more to your WW's story.

By offering R no matter what she did, you are entering a no win situation. Youve agreed to buy the item at any price, so how can you negotiate? You need to look at game theory. She knew that she had to confess to something and gave you the absolute minimum she could, without giving you so little that it would seem implausible. That way, you would stop digging and she could leverage your kids, your desire to keep the family together, your honour as a faithful partner, and her tears to get you to rugsweep the whole thing.

She may be telling you the truth. But what does your gut tell you? He'll, my STBXWW was forced to confess at Dday, and through sobbing, snot filled tears, she looked me right in the eye and denied that she had given another guy (not the AP) a parking lot blow job. Yeah, they are accomished liars, and I suspect your WW is very good as well, having pulled the wool over your eyes for the better part of two decades.

If you push to know more through a timeliness, outing her, and a polygraph, her response will tell you the true depths of her remorse. Often, it's an inch deep and a mule wide...

Keep posting and keep reading. We have all been through this and are still here because we need this place for our own healing, or we want to pay it forward and help our brothers and sisters navigate their trauma.

Big problem going forward is that it is not likely you will ever get the whole truth. Even a polygraph is no assurance.

In many of these early phase discoveries, it does not seem to dawn on the BS that they are relying quite a bit on the cheaters' version of the story. In effect, relying on the accounting of a known liar highly motivated to hide as much as possible.

Here, we have the conclusion that it happened once; that the first one was only emotional; that moving to Canada has made it impossible to have cheated subsequently. These " facts" come entirely from the WW. And, there is no effort to challenge them, nor may there be the means to do so.

It amazes me how frequently a BS seems satisfied thinking he or she has the whole story.

gulty, welcome fellow Canadian, sorry you are here.

I can relate to the ONS many years ago, same with me and my WW. I found out about her ONS about 15 years after it happened. But, there was more, a lot more. I agree with others, an ex-bf and ONS just doesn’t add up. Her "confession" only on the requirement of you staying in the marriage is very suspect. I suspect she is telling you just enough so she can control the narrative, my WW did the same thing. Think about it, it was 15 years ago, no text messages to recover, no way for you to have any evidence other than what she tells you.

Take time for yourself and don’t commit to anything. I would get some IC for yourself.