SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

29 year marriage ends when husband leaves wife for the mother of one of his students.

I thought it was really, really good.

The husband and wife are both painted as flawed human beings. The adultery is not justified nor excused, nor does the movie seem to blame the wife for it ("if only she'd been nicer/kinder/etc this would have never happened"). But she also wasn't a saint, because, well, no flawed human being was ever perfect in the marriage. The husband somewhat explains the "why" of it, but it's clear that he's conflicted, ambiguous, etc.

The wife's initial shock ("but we were so happy!"---well clearly not because adultery does not happen in "happy" marriages). Her desperation in wanting him back, if only he would just come back, everything could be fixed! (He doesn't want things "fixed", he's "in love" with someone else.) God, all so relatable, I felt like I was kind of watching the last few years of my own life.

There is a whiplash moment where the wife confronts the mistress. She is full of cold outrage (justifiable imo) and self righteous indignation, and she asks her something along the lines of, "What gives you the right to do this to my marriage, what were you thinking?"

The mistress says, "I was thinking that there were three unhappy people and now there is only one."

I was like...whoa...on every level. That is SO the way that they think. "I'm unhappy. I know how to fix this---I'll hook up with this married man who is unhappy in his marriage. That will fix everything!"

But anyone who is mentally healthy knows---you cannot "use" another person to fix your own unhappiness. It just does not work that way. And yes you might find short term happiness....but then one day you wake up and you realize that using another person to try and fix whatever is wrong with your life, using another person as a band-aid, and another unhappy person at that...fixed absolutely nothing. This is true if you are single, unhappy, and chase after an unhappily married man, as the mistress in this movie did, or if you are single, unhappy, and try to find another single person to fix your life and your unhappiness.

If you depend on another person to be "happy", and apart from them, you cannot find happiness in your life, you better sleep with one eye open, that's all I'm saying.

And I'll say this as well--I have never met, talked to, or even seen the AP that my ex left me for. And I don't know if she would describe herself as "happy" with him, today. But I know 100% that he is not happy with her (surprise surprise, who could have seen that coming?) But it's too late now and his choice is either stick with her, or be alone which he absolutely cannot bear. I see infidelity in their future but also don't give a shit so I'm not sitting back at the edge of my seat, in eager anticipation. I just know it's coming for them.

Anyway. There's a poem referenced in the movie, that starts with, "I have been here before..." The premise and sort of over arching point of the movie was, whatever terrible thing you are going through, whatever terrible thing has happened to you--someone else in this world has already been through it. And instead of staying stuck in our bitterness about the injustices and wrongs that have happened, we can use what we've been through to help pull others out of the muck, who are currently stuck in it.

The wife winds up creating a website with the help of her son, and she adds poems to the database. So you can find topical poems on whatever subject you search (hope, sadness, grief, etc) because no matter what you are going through, someone else has already been there before, and written about it. And you can find comfort and solace, and know that it's not just you. And you're not alone. Kind of like this SI website.

Hope ya'll have a glorious day.

And you can find comfort and solace, and know that it's not just you. And you're not alone. Kind of like this SI website.

This was what I was thinking as I was reading your post . Thank you for sharing this!!!

I remember watching that movie and then reading reviews afterward. To my utter astonishment, many of those reviews held out the character, Grace, as the piece's villain. She's played to perfection by Annette Benning who really does bring you inside the anguish of the betrayed wife. Maybe that's what was so off-putting to so many reviewers, that strong emotions are in play. Bill Nighy is good as usual as the conflict-avoidant, Edward, but for me... this was the main feature of the drama and the reason why the relationship failed... that Edward couldn't be bothered to communicate with his wife. All she wanted was connection. To her estimation, they were retired and now it was time to enjoy life, go places, do things, be together. Meanwhile, he's cheating because he's too conflict-avoidant to defend his own vision of what those golden years should be. There can't be compromise, because he's already withdrawn, taken his ball and left the court so to speak. And yet.. because she's vocal in her pain, lots of viewers felt that Grace was the bad guy. For me, it just goes to show that people who have not experienced this kind of betrayal, simply cannot understand it.

It's a really good movie. I don't recommend it for newbies, but I think it's an eye-opener for those of us who are farther down the pike.

but we were so happy!"---well clearly not because adultery does not happen in "happy" marriages

Yes it does. All the time. In fact the therapeutic community is increasingly recognizing this is more often the case than not. Even adultery apologists are recognizing this now.

Wayward thinking, entitlement, poor moral fiber, taking loyalty for granted from faithful spouses - - those are the reasons.for infidelity.

Thanks Thumos …. That sentence stood out to me as well.

I have to agree with Thumos and CT.
My M was pretty damned good. We worked together to make a good home, we supported each other had great sex, and laughed daily.
Unfortunately for me my H had depression that he refused to accept or address. He knew his unhappiness in life was damaging and the kids. That's why he met with the OW in the first place. She was a D attorney.

Adultery does not happen in "happy" marriages.

This is not a commentary on a BS being a good/bad spouse.

I am not invested that others should agree with me. Nor is it my job to argue until other peoples minds are changed.

I’m simply acknowledging that others believe differently as others have disagreed with my statement that adultery does not happen in happy marriages.

I too agree with Thumos. We all have different views on this topic as we all also have views on what’s a happy marriage. My marriage was a happy one. My wife and I adored each other. She began a new job and became in close proximity with her AP on a daily basis. Feelings developed just as feelings develop whether we like a new coworker or not (I’m not talking sexually but just in general. Do we think new worker is lazy, bad attitude, golden spoon fed child, etc). We formulate our opinions as time goes on about the new coworker. And then we either act or not on those feelings. Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with BS as much as it does with facing those raw and overwhelming emotions that come into play. JMO.

I watched this with my best friend who is a former wayward and we spent time discussing it. Having supported me through my betrayal, he has a new perspective on infidelity now. I could see him on the Bill Nygh character as he is very conflict avoiding and even cowardly at times. I found myself vocally sympathetic with the BW as she wad really ind sided and emotionally destroyed by the whole thing. And ghen again, I found a little of myself in the Bill N. character even as a BS, because I often think that I had gotten on the wrong train with my STBXWW when we first met. Oh, how I wish I had never met her...

I think it's a good thing to be in a place where we are far enough in our height that we can confront these issues without triggering. I couldn't have done it two years ago...

I haven't seen the movie, although it sounds interesting.

That said, I think the idea of a 'happy' marriage or even an 'unhappy' marriage is too simplistic. There might be more happy times than unhappy times and maybe that's the metric people are using, but I think it's what you focus on that makes the determination. My ex and I both thought the marriage was generally a good one, but as with life, there are ups and downs. I tend to focus on the positives and I wonder if she focused on the negatives. Meh, that's for her to figure out I suppose. I'm generally in a much better place now.

Infidelity can happen in "happy" or "good" marriages. But I don't WS view themselves as happy when they cheat. Part of what they need to give themselves permission is some amount of relationship history rewriting.

Self-reported happiness is notoriously unreliable.

FreeToGoNow,

You did a great job of capturing the essence of that movie and analyzing how it mirrors some of the experiences of real-life BS, WS, and AP.

While agree with others that As can happen in "happy" and "good" marriages, Hope Gap shows distance between the couple at the beginning (as I recall). I watched the movie a while back as part of my own healing process.

I do like that none of the characters are villanized--but all are flawed.

The one part that struck me as underplayed in the movie was the WH's self-centeredness. He wasn't very self-centered. Maybe he was self-centered in the very abrupt way he leaves her.

In my experience there is a large overlay of self-centeredness in WS behavior. (Even if they were unhappy in the M, they could have worked on the M...or left before starting the A if they were truly that miserable.)

That line in the movie about now there is only 1 unhappy person? I say, give it time.

If a WS's response to unhappiness is to "fix" it with an A and they never confront that destructive behavior or work on it in IC...then it's quite likely to be replicated in their new relationship. And back to 3 unhappy people again.

I also agree that the WS is almost always not really happy or secure with themselves. The marriage may be part of this, but it may also be just internal to the WS.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:23 AM, Monday, December 13th]

I watched this after I saw it posted here.

At the beginning I was so angry, maybe even irrationally angry, at the treatment of the son. Early in the movie, the WH asked the son to stick around for an hour or two because he was going to tell the BW that he was leaving and wanted him to stay and take care of his mother. It wasn't clear to me, but it even seemed the WH asked the son to come home for the purpose of being there while he told the BW he was leaving. Maybe he even told the son before he arrived. That just seems so crappy to me.

Both the mother and father used the son to discuss their feelings and communicate between each other. I realize that was probably a literary device, but it seemed awful. Also the husband seemed to make a final, unilateral decision with no discussion with his wife and wouldn't allow her to discuss or communicate afterward. I would call that extremely selfish.

My thoughts probably have something to do with my father doing the same to my mother when I was a young adult at college. I identified with the child more than the WH or BW.

Well, in my first marriage, I thought we were doing fine. We had challenges, in particular one of my sons' health challenges with autism,Down Syndrome and all the physical illnesses and heart defect. I still really loved my wife. I knew that life is not all about being happy. That one can expect a fair amount of pain and hardship in life, interspersed with some happiness. A meaningful life, to me, meant being responsible, helping others, responsibility to one's s family and community. Happiness as a goal is unrealistic but I was glad to enjoy it while it was there. I knew it was fleeting but would resurface again, periodically.

I used to think it was an unhappy marriage because my most prominent memories were of the final period, while she was serially cheating. Her behavior became cruel and abusive. I was exhausted taking care of the kids virtually solo while working full time, as she was gone, cheating.

I wonder if many of us were in good marriages until the cheating and abuse started. Maybe not, as how can one be in a good marriage with such a deeply flawed, selfish person like a cheater.

I know looking back, there were many instances of my XWW being abusive that I overlooked. The serial cheating, was just too in my face, a bright line, that I woke up. I am, in many ways, thankful for it. Many people just do not recognize emotional abuse, especially against a man, as a reason to divorce. Cheating, they understand.

Affairs can and do happen in happy marriages.