SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would think, something l Iike paternity fraud would factor into consideration for determining custody.

SHSA-

I did't read from your most recent response that you're suicidal or your WW is as well. Certainly, if that is the case, please seek the right medical and mental health assistance that you need to get yourself through this tough patch. This is a tough journey for you and your boys.

But based on your writing, that's not the way I read it.

Your wife has spent years in a lie regarding the paternity of your boys, and immediately when you confronted her with your knowledge of the truth, she had a well rehearsed response that is a complete and utter challenge to your competence. She didn't run to the bathroom and lock the door and waited hours to come up with a response. She had one that was well rehearsed and prepared for the day that you confronted her. That does not mean she's not in a bad mental state, but it also doesn't mean that she is either. What it does show is that she is highly manipulative and calculated. That is why I provided the anecdote of my exMIL, who created the lie about her having cancer when she in fact did not.

This lady has been emphatically lying not only to yourself, but to her sons, her family and the entire community, and is a complete Narcissist, self serving and manipulative. That is the only factual confirmation that anyone can conclude based on your latest post.

If conceiving was an issue, there's IVF. There's adoption. She stole your Agency, and made a unilateral decision to have children by another man, but told them they were yours? She never asked you, NEVER thought about your feelings. This is a lie. More than likely, she had an affair with this dude, and passed the children off as yours b/c she was in love with the OM. If you were having issues conceiving, than just 1 kid would have been enough, but she went back for another??? FFS, no one questions this?

She said the other man, he's evil and horrible and so is his wife. How many times have we heard this on SI, b/c the WW just does not want us to contact the other BS. They are protecting the OM, and themselves. The OM was so horrible that she went back for years to have sex with him? What planet does she think you're from. YOu weren't born yesterday, and neither was the collective wisdom of the BS's on SI. I don't buy it. You need to consider your next move carefully based on custody, but at some point you're going to have to contact the OBS. Like I said in my previous post, your boys will find out at some point. You want to make sure that you, the one sane parent, is the one relaying that message to them, and not your WW, who we know is a liar.

Your WW right now is stonewalling you. Youre going to need to grab this bull by the horn if you want to get to the bottom of this. Don't be surprised if your WW is already monitoring your calls and emails. I know mine did, after I confronted her. Don't put past what these individuals will do to protect themselves, the extent of their lies and manipulation. Good luck brother. We are here to guide you, so please take what you need and ignore the rest.

I'm just not seeing why this particular WW needs to be handled more delicately than the other WWs in families w small children either. The thing that stands out is that WW's betrayal of the OP is especially egregious.

OP I do hope you check back in when you get the chance.

Just think carefully about what you want to do, you have a delicate situation. I think you need to establish the truth if you can, even if that means phoning the other couple.

Hard truth time-

You are going to have to accept some difficult facts and do it fast because it hurts bad and that hurt stops once you are driving the truth train.

The life you thought you had was not real. It was a lie. It was a lie made up by your WW to deceive you into slavery, serving her goals and desires with chains made from falsehoods of a family and home that were never real. That includes your kids. They were never really yours and that hurts bad, real bad.

You were a victim on D Day. Today isn't D Day. You have choices to make and you best make them fast because the road our of hell is a hard walk and it doesn't get shorter if you wait.

There are a lot of kinds of slavery in this world. We think of it as chains and whips, but it's more than that- It can be lies that keeps you on her plantation. It can be guilt. It can be shame. It can be doubt. It can be fear.

You are the master of your destiny. You own you. Today, standing wherever you are- You are a free man with the knowledge to make up your own mind, to make your own choices to be free or to stay in her bondage. She will try guilt, shame, kids, money...all of it. Those are chains around your neck just as sure as if they were hammered on by a blacksmith.

You deserve freedom. Walk off the plantation. That starts with D papers.

Good luck.

It would appear that Mrs. SHSA's threats and manipulations were successful.

I certainly hope not. Please let us know what happened, OP

Well, it’s been 5 days and 4 pages since his last post when Mrs SHSA decided the best defense is a strong offense and since then …. Crickets!!!

A woman who has two kids by another man and claims to be a victim must have really thick skin and a belief she will never get caught. Crocodile tears.

Hold your horses. It's been a rough week work wise.
I'll give you an update later today once I get to my office.

Well, it’s been 5 days and 4 pages since his last post when Mrs SHSA decided the best defense is a strong offense and since then …. Crickets!!!

Wow. Impatient much? Give him a break - he's had a lot to digest here and at home.

The man has been deeply traumatized. Give him some time to get up off the floor. Demanding he tell us what's going on isn't supportive at all. We are owed nothing

All of us are concerned about SHSA well being.

His life has been turned upside down.

I would imagine not coming back here is not a priority, sorting out his life is.

Hold your horses. It's been a rough week work wise.
I'll give you an update later today once I get to my office

SHSA - you owe us nothing. You look after you first. We all want you to be safe and care about your wellbeing but this forum, and its deep knowledge, is to help you when you want it.

Update in your own time.

I am looking forward to your update and hope that you are making progress in how you are proceeding or processing this horrible situation

Thank you all for your replies and support. This thread has gotten long and I can’t reply to each and every one of you, but rest assured, I read you at least twice.

As I said, the thread is already long and I am well aware my pontifications are particularly long and most certainly don’t expect anyone to keep track of everything that was said before. There have been some observations, doubts, questions, and general concerns, which will hopefully be covered in this summary.

On infertility
After 1 or 2 months of trying, we went to her OBGYN to make sure everything was OK, made sense since at the time I was 34 and she was 35, almost 36.
The OBGYN has been her doc since she was a teenager, so the relationship with him was strong and he had a complete file on her. He did an echo right there and said he saw no problems on her side. He sent me for a spermogram (?), the test where they see the count, morphology, viability, and a bunch of other things. Went back to him to go over my results. I was there when he said: "You will never get pregnant with these results". Referred me to a urologist specializing in fertility issues.

The urologist wasn’t as fatalist as the Ob, he said pregnancy with those numbers was very hard but could happen at any time. Life always finds a way. He ordered a few more tests and balls echo. Reviewing the results there was no evident cause, his treatment plan was: to wear loose underwear, quit smoking, limit the number of hours spent seating, workout a little, lose some weight, vitamins, minerals, and a couple of meds (don’t remember which or what they were for).

I don’t remember if he said "You should see results in 3-4 months" or "You should see improvements in 3-4 months". He explained the spermatogenesis cycle and everything and sent me on my merry way.

Of course, I never went back because 4-5 months later wifey was preggo, the treatment worked, right? right?

Planned sex for the purpose of procreation (with me)
After those doctor visits, we got the whole kit and I mean, THE-WHOLE-KIT. Tracking apps, ovulation detection strips, thermometer, expensive "trying to get pregnant" lube and much more. At certain points during the month, it was like doing it in a lab and it worked, right? Sigh…

On where I hang my cape and legal outlook
I’m an EU citizen living in LatAm for the past 23 years. Came here when I was 19, liked it, and never left, never got around getting local citizenship by naturalization (that may play against me if/when divorce happens). Kids have double citizenship and I never got around to getting the wife her EU passport, however, both the marriage and births are annotated on my family book back in Europe so she can apply for my country-of-origin citizenship without my intervention at any point she so feels like it.

Down here the state seeks the "superior interest of the child" in any divorce proceedings. It’s pretty much like California, but on steroids, although here it is relatively easy and commonplace to hide assets in preparation for divorce, we’ll see what the lawyer says about that.
Kids born in the marriage are "naturals" and bio fathers have no claims as far as I know.

I have a meeting with an attorney later this week.

On surveillance
To be honest, at this moment I see no point. That being said, I got access to her iCloud account where I can see photos, call logs, and contacts; on her Gmail account, I can see search history and geo-location history; on her FB, chat logs. I don’t have access to WhatsApp though.

On my particular interest in getting help for her first
Yup. At this moment she is the #1 priority when it comes to getting IC. I will get her the best care I can afford because of 2 simple reasons:

1)No matter how much I love those kids or how much they love me. A child needs a mother, preferably a well-rounded, grounded, healthy mother.
2)For my selfish interest, by getting her the best care I can I also hope that at some point (preferably in the near future) she can come to terms with what she has done and maybe, just maybe, will be willing to give me my much needed "whole picture" so I can chew on it, swallow, digest and eventually archive it and move forward to a happier life.

As time progresses, I keep feeling calm, but she is getting worse by the day. As someone accurately described it some 3 pages ago, now she realizes she not only destroyed my world but hers and the kids too. I don’t see her looking for forgiveness; she’s way too damaged, sees no way to fix this and is in a very deep conflict with herself. Can’t even look me in the eye. She just keeps her head down and spends most of the time crying when the kids are not around.

On concerns about my own well-being and need for counseling
I know, trust me. I know.

Unlike my wife, I’m calm, extremely resilient (I'm not kidding here), and know where I’m standing. At the moment I’m very ok. A psychiatrist once said I’m not normal, that I process things differently. One side of my brain is stupidly more developed than the other one. Think of it like a dude with Hulk Hogan’s arm on one side and Skinny Pete’s arm on the other one.

I’ll be getting help soon, I’m well aware that at some point the right side will try to take over and I will have a safety net by then.

I said in an earlier post that at some point in my life I dealt with anxiety, panic, and depression, I’m the poster child for Lexapro because my particular case was/is 100% neurochemical imbalance related. My body just doesn’t make enough serotonin, that’s it. Meds like lex usually take anywhere between 8 to 12 weeks to kick in, when I started it I was a new man in less than 10 days, my body was just starving for serotonin.

I do feel however some low-key anger. The best way I would describe it is the anger you feel after losing a lot of money on a bad trade, or maybe if you are a car guy, the anger you may feel after blowing up your engine while trying to show off at a red light, the anger you would feel after finding out your partner paid an extra 1000 dollars on premium high-performance air for the tires.

Whenever I think of my situation and my wife the phrase I find myself repeating on my mind is "Fucking idiot, from all the choices and options you had, you picked the worst by far, the one I can’t forgive. What a moron"

In a couple of weeks tops, I’ll be taking a few days off. Still undecided on where should I go. I’ve always found peace at sea (I come from a long line of seafarers) so that would most likely be it.

About the relationship with my wife
What I said about her and our relationship in previous posts remains true. True to me at least.

There was a rough patch a few years back. Did some soul searching (and documental searching too) and can say that the rough patch started around fall 2012, became unbearable by Jan 2013 with the S and D words being thrown around but never actually going through with it.

The rough patch started resolving by late April 2013 and took a 180 change for the better by late May. Complete night and day change.

I feel guilty, for I know I played a major role in the creation of the environment at home which eventually enabled this whole thing to happen. My wife clearly doesn’t remember what we were fighting about, but I do and it wasn’t trivial at all. I know how relentless and hurting I can get when faced with such critical differences. I’m not an easy person to be around during those times. Yeah, she made her choices, but there’s no denying I helped in making it easier for her.

Before that rough patch and especially after May 2013 my wife has always been a loving, caring, supporting, always there connected partner (and now an idiot too). We did everything together, had fun, long talks, everything, and as far as I could tell, to me the relationship was perfect until this whole thing came out.

On the path forward for me
Guys, for real, I am well aware of where I am standing. I know what she did to me, I know the word used to describe males in my situation. No need to try to convince me on D her. I got no desire for R and am thousands of miles away from forgiveness or rug sweeping. Please, no need to keep rubbing it on my face.

On the debate of moral and/or legal obligations towards the kids
To me, this is a non-issue. These kids are innocent victims too and even though they are also giant reminders of what happened, I love them. They are the source of the happiest moments of my life and I am dead set on keeping loving and supporting them as best as I can. Sure, I may regret this decision once they become teenagers and start treating me like shit, but worth the risk. You just don’t divorce kids.

No point in trying to sway me away from this thought. This is set in stone.

Coming up next, she wrote me a letter on Saturday

Those kids are blessed to have a father like you.

As for her? This isn't a shock to her. She has known for years,that these weren't your kids. She knew what she did. She's sorry? Ashamed? She wasn't sorry when you didn't know about it.

Thank you for the update. You are doing amazingly well. It would appear that you do not need any further advice. I hope you stick around so you can provide advice to others. You seem to be what all men should strive to be. Those children are so lucky to have you in their lives.

A psychiatrist once said I’m not normal, that I process things differently.

My IC said that I "seem to lack a self-preservation instinct."

I'll just agree from afar that you are pretty calm considering the circumstances.

Sending strength.

Your ability to stay focused and level headed in the wake of your discovery is the stuff of a super hero. Your kids are incredibly fortunate to have you as their rock.