SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So just the typical affair with typical Wayward response:

Deflect, minimize, justify, refuse to answer.

She's nothing special. Just a very good liar.

Good observation GMC94.

Perhaps she was just having unprotected sex with AP for several years, at the same time as OP, and wasn’t sure who the bio father was. Given that she was still having sex sometimes with OP (as well as and at the same time as AP) how could she know for sure (despite the low sperm count issue), unless she ran her own tests? She let the cards fall where they would.

Perhaps she came to hope OP was the bio father when the affair ended badly and she saw what a great Dad OP was. She might have even searched for resemblances and half convinced herself the bio dad was OP.

She had her ridiculous cover story cooked up just in case. It sounded plausible when she practiced it in the mirror … now not so much.

This is conjecture.

What is not conjecture is that WS is not on speaking terms or even passingly acquainted with truth and honesty. That is now a long-standing character trait. Her most recent disclosures sound phony.

[This message edited by straightup at 3:25 AM, Sunday, February 6th]

I’m so very sorry that this has turned out the way it has, SHSA. Everyone here knows what it’s like to have the fabric of your world tear apart and to lose everything that you held most sacred and precious in a second. There are no words for it.

You’re getting a lot of good advice here, and you’re undoubtedly overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed. None of us can tell you exactly what to do.

Here’s what I’ll add from my experience. Like your wife, my WH lived in the lies of a fabricated narrative for years. He had created in his mind a million justifications, explanations, and manipulations that explained why what he did was justified, how he wasn’t a bad guy while doing all of this, how he wasn’t really hurting anyone, how I was at least the partial cause of his actions, etc. In my opinion, over the long term, this really alters the brain and thought patterns of a person.

So what you need to know right now is that she has lied to herself for a very, very long time, and the lies are extremely complex and multi-branched and cover a lot of territory. There are the lies that she told you about your children every single day for years. There are the lies that she has fabricated to make herself a victim of circumstance, of the other man, of his wife, of fate. There are probably a million other lies of various types along the way. She will not be able to give you a version of what actually happened that is not colored and distorted by all of the lies that her brain has fabricated to hide from you and from herself.

This is really important because you have already found yourself begging her to tell you the truth of what happened. My WH wouldn’t have known the truth if it beat him over the head. And that didn’t change. He has never recovered from the damage that he did to his ability to think in a straightforward, non-manipulative, non-self-defensive way. His brain won’t let him go to a place anymore that makes him face the truth of virtually anything. Some of what you said about the way your wife reacted reminds me of my WH. She has told herself stories in her head until they are imprinted as much as actual memories. Even when presented with clear-cut evidence on a given point, she may not accept it and may tell you that it didn’t happen or that you are wrong.

It will be extremely hard to dig through this and she will fight you every step of the way. You will have to start looking for other sources of the information you need, She is not your friend. She will not have empathy for your pain. She will not be motivated to help you. She has developed a pattern of manipulating and misleading you, using your best impulses against you, using your love for her against you to keep you in the dark and trusting her. That will not change now. She will become more dangerous, more manipulative, and absolutely selfish and self-protective. And because of this, you have to change your strategy and thinking about her or she will do you very, very grave harm. I know what I’m talking about. You have to stop thinking of her as anything but your adversary right now. You can’t trust her, depend on her or believe her in any way. If you do, you will continue to suffer indescribably because every time you figure out what she is doing to you again, the pain will magnify. Because she can see your pain now, and when they see your pain and continue to gaslight and defend and manipulate and blame you, it is almost worse than when they could lie to themselves that you weren’t being hurt. There’s no denying it anymore.

I’m sorry, but you have to see her as an adversary and get some detachment from her emotionally as quickly as possible. You have two beautiful boys to think of, and they are the most important thing. I had two young boys myself when I found out. Your wife is already trying to use your love for them against you to get you in line. Think about that. You have to protect them from her because the good mom in your head doesn’t exist. It is absolutely your construct at this point. She has been willing to use her children, engineer their biological heritage and give them a life story that may be devastating to them in the future. What are the possibilities that they won’t know about this at some point in their lives? That truth will absolutely affect them greatly whenever they learn it. She has managed to do what she did without thought to how what she was doing would affect them. She has shielded herself through internal lies that again, will be hard for her to ever tear down and accept.

I’m sorry to paint a bleak picture, but you are about to start a trip through hell. I wish I could be positive and uplifting, but I think you already know what we all learn very quickly: this is one of the absolute most trauma-producing, devastating events that can happen to anyone. There is no good choice and no great resolution in even the seeable future. It will take a time for anything to be better, and a lot of it will have to do with how quickly you realize the reality of who you’re married to. Part of that is learning as much as you can about what has really happened. She will not be where you get that information—at least not directly. She may give you clues that will lead you to some of it inadvertently.

I recommend that you start taking notes. Your mind is traumatized and that will continue, so keeping a record will be very helpful. It’s one of the things I really regret not doing because my WH was a master gaslighter who changed his story and his explanations on a dime depending on where he saw a vulnerability or a chance to make me doubt myself. Cheaters are master manipulators of everyone.

That and listen to all of the other standard advice: get STD tested, take care of yourself physically, drink a lot of water, find someone to talk to, get some counseling, and especially, see an attorney. That is critical in your situation. You need to understand your rights, whatever you decide to do.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. SI is as good a place as you will find to share this awful situation with. Not a lot of consolation, I know, but we are here for you.

I guess everyone agrees your wife is far from normal and you can't trust a word she says.

It's great to get all the counseling available to you both. I am nervous with the talk of your wife possibly being a danger to herself. I think it's very possible considering the magnitude and breath of her deception.

No one has mentioned the precarious legal relationship you now have with the children you love so much.

I think it's necessary you see an attorney about if you should adopt your own children.

If your wife ever dies or divorces you, you are on the birth certificates, yes, but what if the bio father wants to make his presence known?

On the one hand you will be dealing with the maybe dangerous guy who might want to lean on you for money, on the other you have the nice friendly guy who sent her a Mother's Day card (yeah, what's that about?) who could be in the running for dating your WW should she D you.

Of course you need to know who the bio dad is, and you'll want to see an attorney to find out if you need to secure the legal relationship to your own children.

NowWhat106 you are one of the great reasons SI is so valuable. Your post helps OP and ME (others), very well thought out and articulated in a short post. OP you have been given so much advice from real people who have lived and studied infidelity.

Sincerely,
Organic

I asked her if it would be OK to get a kit for the kids, she said "do whatever you want, just don't tell me if there turns out be anything wrong with them and don't ruin their lives by telling them either." clearly referring to the health part.

From your first post, clearly your wife was referring to the DNA part and not the health part. She knew the answer and warned you to stay in your place and not confront her.

Telling the kids should not be a consideration for years. FYI, children at any age hear, see, feel a lot more than they get credit for and will put the puzzle together with a few stray words.

At the very least, you need to know who this man is and what "danger" he represents to you and your family. Personally, she's lied to you all these years and she lied to you about their paternity. I would be very, very careful about accepting anything from her as the gospel truth until you verify every word of it.

Snort.. and she's a Catholic? Have you checked with your priest about a possible annulment?

If you are looking to lean on our experience then the easy answer is that it was your standard run of the mill affair, the wife found out and threatened to expose. This causes your narcissistic wife to write her down as a bad player. What we do know is that your wife is a worse person than her, what she did to her boyfriend’s wife was worse than any extortion threat.

Also, if you know now and they are now no longer at the same employer there are no grounds for extortion. You should strongly consider reaching out to her. You know that you will not be receiving truthful information from your wife.

I'd have her take a polygraph.

As GoldenR said, typical WS response to getting caught.

We always tell BS not to tell their WS before they inform the OBS of the affair. Because, the WS will warn their AP,and by the time the BS talks to the OBS, the OBS will have been told the BS is crazy,abusive,etc,and probably won't listen to the BS.

Funny,how for 5 years he wasn't a bad,dangerous man. No. He only became bad when he broke it off with her.

Your wife is full of shit.

he may even choose to remain in their lives as a father figure or "Dad", but "Father" denotes an obligation, and again IMHO, he has no moral "obligation" towards his WW or her children.

Technically true BUT…

Op and his WW are currently the primary caregivers to these young children, until he relinquishes his responsibility, transfers care to his WW, who’s, at this time, mental competence to parent is in question. OP has made it clear that he regards himself, very much emotionally, their Father.

Yes, he could legally walk right out that door, if he feels his WW is mentally competent, stable to parent in his absence but, from what the OP has indicated, he’s not likely to do that.

And his name is still on their birth certificate as the Father.

Yes, there is indeed a lot of ground for him to cover, discover and reconcile that has been well proposed here but, I think his first priority should be to maintain or establish a stable nurturing environment for those kids before he does anything else.

I wouldn’t leave that house until I knew the kids were safe. I wouldn’t unnecessarily agitate or destabilize the situation until I knew the kids were safe.

From the bizarre dialogue that took place on DD, I would want to ensure that she is mentally competent, stable, will not harm self or others before I split the scene, destabilize the scene, or drag her off to polygraph interrogations.

As a Paramedic for 35 years, I can tell you first hand, that the most dangerous, volatile scenes that cops and medics respond to are, domestic crises such as this. I would caution everyone to use caution and discretion in their posts.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:15 PM, Sunday, February 6th]

I know there have been some recent changes in the law, but I am pretty sure financial responsibility will remain with OP, regardless of actual parentage.

Plus, one is so bonded to the kids after raising them, it seems unrealistic to contemplate excusing them from hislife( not that he ever expressed this intention).

I wonder if he could divorce and have a shot at physical custody?

Well, this is playing out similarly to what I expected. This, sadly, is not that rare of a story: husband fucks around and has kids on the side, wife fucks around and bears another man's offspring under her husband's nose.

Sometimes the super-specific details change, but not the overarching story. I am not sure I recall hearing "I had another man's children for us!" or similar before.

***

Some posters will tell you: "You have all the information you need to move forward".

That may be true in a technical sense. Your' wife is an immoral, cheating person, who appears to be quite off-kilter mentally.

You kind of know what you need to know.

but on the other hand, you now have a gaping chasm where you what you thought you knew about the past years of your life, your relationship, and your family were.

***

It appears that you are very technically competent. As I mentioned in post #2 of this thread, before you confront, get your surveillance in order and you will learn at least a lot of what you need to know, because your wife will lie to your face, and your only hope to find out what is real is to spy on her when she thinks she is in private.

So, did you get surveillance in place? I hope you did, for your sake. If not, you'll probably have to write off a lot of "the truth".

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:34 PM, Sunday, February 6th]

From your first post, clearly your wife was referring to the DNA part and not the health part. She knew the answer and warned you to stay in your place and not confront her.

Telling the kids should not be a consideration for years. FYI, children at any age hear, see, feel a lot more than they get credit for and will put the puzzle together with a few stray words.

Finally, someone sees through the WW's true intent. OP misinterpreted this from the beginning, and others followed, by believing this was about WW's fear over finding out health concerns ... BS ... she KNEW from the beginning what OP was going to find out about the boys true parentage. This was her way of drawing a line in the sand and threatening OP to keep his mouth shut about what he was about to find out.

Now she's flipped the script to another, right out of the wayward handbook, lie/excuse: "Oh No, we can't do anything, because the AP/OBS are dangerous, terrible people."

This WW is not mentally ill like most are labelling her. She is a self centered, manipulative bitch, whose ball of lies are rapidly unwinding. She's not sick, she's running scared, and OP is still giving her way too much benefit of the doubt, rather than looking out for his own best interests.

Exactly. She knew you were going to find out,when you said you were doing the tests. She had plenty of time to concoct this ridiculous story.

She got pregnant..twice..by this big,bad, scary man. And his angry BS(who had every right to be fucking furious), was so cruel to her,poor muffin, threatening to expose the affair to you.

It cost her so much money to keep her quiet? So she can prove that? I mean, a bank statement would prove it. How did she explain thousands being missing?

Bullshit

She had an affair. An average affair. He dumped her,and his wife was furious. Nothing new here.

Except she lied to you. And those kids.

As I said earlier..if he was so bad,dangerous,and evil, why did she have an affair with him?

And his wife,the other betrayed spouse,is evil for threatening to tell you.

I hope you didn't buy this horseshit.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:44 PM, Sunday, February 6th]

This ^^^^^^^^^^^

Read these two posts by Hellfire and Butanyway over and over until it sinks in.

Do not project your understanding of ethics morality love and commitment onto your cheating wife. She is living by different rules and different definitions.

I am with these guys. Follow the money. How much and when. Either she spent a lot or she did not. That’s one thing that I would get to the bottom of immediately. The other man may be held by his privates by his wife. You need to get all those little facts. I hope that’s what you’re doing right now.

I do agree with Hellfire. BTW, if this guy was extorting her, she could have talked to the local prosecutors office or the police.

Don't trust a word she says. Look into this case deeply.

You need to make an informed decision based on facts, not lies.

If she was kidnapped, on a strange Island in the Pacific and being tortured or held at gunpoint, her argument would be more valid. Not the case.

What I also find blinding is she says the kids are incredible. They are your kids (you raised them I mean) but how was that said ? If she was forced to have these kids with this 'evil' guy, then she would still love and cherish the kids but it's not really something she would gloat about.

Just thinking about her mentality right now

Another thing..if he is so bad,dangerous, and evil..why did she choose him,to have 2 kids with. By her own admission, she CHOSE him.

Polygraph, Polygraph, Polygraph.

SHSA, I hope that you have support of some kind whatever is happening right now. You have had every truth in your life upended in a very short time. We all know how disorienting this is. It can leave you really vulnerable and open to extreme harm. We all know that it’s easy to question your own sanity and grasp on reality in these circumstances. We also all know that it’s possible to lose your desire to continue.

I sincerely hope that there is someone there to put their arms around you and support you (not your wife—she is not your friend). You are in the worst of it right now and it could go on for a very long time.

Please reach out to someone who you trust. You’re in danger if you’re alone with your wife too much right now with no outside observer to help you see how completely fucked up crazy her actions and behavior are.

Please protect yourself and your kids. Believe it or not, a lot more damage can happen.

Edited to add: An unremorseful WS is a cornered and dangerous beast that will do or say ANYTHING to defend itself. ANYTHING. Proceed with extreme caution.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 9:28 PM, Sunday, February 6th]

yes Hellfire. I smell polygraph on this one.

The OBS is either 'evil' or trying to protect her marriage and is aggressive at it, which any of us would be if we didn't walk first.

I am worried about the OP and perhaps him being manipulated here. He's probably a great, loyal guy who now has one or perhaps 2 affair babies who he will ultimately consider his own out of love and being a good person. However, he knows what's up now and he doesn't know who he's married to and now has to look at his kids as 'not his own'. While they are his because he's the true dad, not that other snake, it would stink to carry the luggage for other people's horrible and unethical behavior.

OP, schedule a polygraph. Please