SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NowWhat is correct as well. Protect yourself.

Maybe a recording device or something because this meltdown will be real when she sees her 'perfect' world collapsing.

I did not notice many, 8f any, folks buying the line that her only concern was over the test results showing health related issues.

Me, I just thought maybe his wife was so I'll informed that it never dawned on her that paternity fraud would potentially be uncovered( in other words , she is not bright).

And, I agree, she is not technically mentally I'll. Probably a sociopath or extreme narcissist. Rather than calling her sick, or I'll, or disturbed, or whatever I used, I meant twisted, evil, without a conscience.

She is very toxic, perhaps to such an extent that an evaluation re custody would favor primary physical custody being granted to the OP.

ShouldHaveStayedAsleep,

I sent you a Private Message. New members often don't see the indicator that says they have a Private Message waiting, so it's sort of tradition to post a public message like this, until they've been on the site for a bit longer.

Finally, someone sees through the WW's true intent. OP misinterpreted this from the beginning, and others followed, by believing this was about WW's fear over finding out health concerns ... BS ... she KNEW from the beginning what OP was going to find out about the boys true parentage. This was her way of drawing a line in the sand and threatening OP to keep his mouth shut about what he was about to find out.

It's pretty amazing. I've read thousands of stories on this site, and I still bought that one hook, line, and sinker. I'm thinking, "Ok, he has said that he has problems with panic and anxiety, her concerns for his panic over health information impacting the children seems legit and she seemed to have zero other concerns about it exposing paternity."

I suppose she could have just not been aware that the tests would so clearly expose her fraud. But it seems more likely that she's just an incredible manipulator who felt certain that he would either not have the nerve to bring it up or that she would quickly squelch it. She has probably used his issues to manipulate him for years.

At this point the question is whether this is just another garden variety affair by a truly epic liar, or whether she might indeed have gone down the complete crazy-town road of, "I want a baby now and I don't really care who puts it in me." The fact that she thinks that story makes her some kind of martyr to their family, or that he would buy that, is just incredible.

Not that one is any better than the other. But you always want to know this stuff as a BS. I started to say, "understand," but there's no understanding any of it.

As someone mentioned, if it was purely a sperm donor thing it wasn't by consent since she said herself that the OP only "suspected." Detective work might be able to determine the typical affair vs sperm donor scenario but the quickest approach to might be to talk to the AP's wife. If you can contact her, don't tell her anything about the paternity issue initially. Just tell her that you have evidence that your WW had and A with her H. Ask her if she was aware and what she can tell you about it.

but are there any resources to assist in that conversation.

I was reminded that SHSA indicated he does not reside in the US. His English is very good, suggesting perhaps the UK or Australia, but wherever he is, I wonder what the landscape of paternity laws looks like for him.

Make it a priority to take care of you physical and mental health. I know many have urged this, but please take care of yourself. Sending you strength.

"It was planned this way" and the AP suspects but doesn’t know they are his.

So it’s fairly easy to deduce here this was a long-term affair in which AP fathered kids you thought were yours — and it was convenient to cuckold you. Your wife didn’t really care much about whether you were the father which makes this similar to another case we saw recently here.

She was attracted to OM and wanted him. I agree with others that the rather mild infertility issues are just a mindgame rationalization. Lots of couples have trouble getting pregnant, at least the first time.

It was "expensive" according to her bullshit story to somehow engineer sex with OM so he could allegedly be a sperm donor and then only "suspect" he was the father. Probably would have been cheaper to just go the fertility clinic route, and that would have been a mutual decision. So that means her "expensive" line is also BS. It may well have been expensive but not for legit reasons.

My guess is his wife found out about the father and threatened to go to you with information not only about the affair but that the kids aren’t yours. Something made her stop. Maybe money.

I doubt the OBS is as "evil" as your wife claims. This is a common tactic by wayward spouses, claiming the OBS is dangerous or unstable. She needs to tell you who so you can contact the OBS. If it was "expensive" to buy their silence, well now the cat is out of the bag so what leg does your wife have to stand on in not telling you.

From what I am reading it sounds like the AP's wife has videos and threatened either:
1) Revenge porn against your wife
2) Threatened she would tell you and destroy the marriage

Your wife is right now pulling a duck. She is calm on the surface and her little legs are kicking away under the surface.
She is watching you and will try to manipulate you as I stated. You need to realize you didn't see this coming. So you can't trust your internal lie detector with her. She knows how to beat that. You need proof for anything she says. I mean anything.
I am glad you are MAD. Anger will make sure you fight for yourself. Too many times the BH will be afraid of fighting for their rights and the respect they deserve.
The WW will cry and think that lets her off the hook. She will talk how she was manipulated or tricked. These are all lies. She will use her weaker sex card and mention how she cared for you during the whole affair. You know that is a load.
She got pregnant twice from this guy. So, there was more involved in this affair and pregnancy than she mentioned. I would be worried if she contacted the other guy about the births afterwards. She might even had planned on leaving you until the other wife shut that down.
Expect your wife to burst into flames next time she goes to church.
Get the Recorder like you mentioned. You should also put one into her car. She is going to try to do something to minimize and get out of this as unscathed as possible. She already tried making herself the victim. Next move is to make a villain for you to focus on. It might even be you. Then she will pull the vested interest and love bombing. Vested interest is telling you are throwing away your life/family. The love bombing will be her trying to have sex and cook for you until you are less angry. Then she will lower those efforts because she will think you are satisfied.
You need to realize that begging is going to be the thing that angers you the most later. That anger you feel now is what I mentioned earlier to hold onto because it will have you fight for yourself.
Try to come back to us sooner than later. Don't let the kids be a reason not to handle this new trauma you have just endured. Your wife was abusing you and is continuing to abuse you. See it that way and know you want to fight for them like you would want them to fight for themselves in this situation. You are teaching them how to handle themselves when someone hurts them as badly as your wife just has.

SHSA,

This could be a threesome that went bad when the OM started seeing your WW by himself.

Perhaps your WW fell in love with OMW, hence her looking her up.

There is also a chance your WW was actually the obsessive and crazy person and they may have gotten a restraining order a against your WW.

In any event your WW has tons and tons of confession to do, and rugsweeping is not an option.

Timeline and Polygraph.

Do not let your WW have sex with you it will give her leverage to manipulate you. There is no niceing her way out.

I have an ex MIL that was so manipulative that she told her daughter that she had cancer when she didn't to get sympathy, and it was found out. She manipulated my exes father, and tried to with her other family members that the reason she was hooked on pills was because her husband did nothing to stop her except go to work, left her alone at home and spent too much time away at the office. Its all a Sad Me Story. There are hundreds more like this, but it all comes back to her never being the one to blame.

OP- do not believe your WW that the other OBS and AP are dangerous. That is complete horseshit. So dangerous that she went banging the guy for years. Does that even sound believable to you?

She concocts this fabrication of doing this for your family? Did you try IVF and fail? Probably not. Did you agree to this? We already know this answer.

She did not do this for the family. She screwed this guy and got pregnant, plain and simple. She made up this crazy ass story about using him as the sperm donor without your knowledge or permission long ago, if you were to ever find out. Its all made up.

And to everyone that is saying that poor women is in a bad mental state, to hell with that! I highly doubt that she is dangerous to herself. She is dangerous to everyone around her, just like my ex MIL. These highly manipulative individuals are only unhinged on their treatment of others, but will be sucking away on ice cream and steaks while crying crocodile tears. Its manipulation. Plain and simple. Since most people on here have not experience it, or even have met someone as manipulative its hard to put themselves in their shoes, or to even think that way. Until you've come across the devil, YOU have no idea what the devil looks like.

OP, get yourself a VAR. Make sure that every time you have a conversation with your WW, you have it on. It is to protect you and so that you can hear your WW continue to change her story, and it will happen. She will ride this one on her own, she will not be confiding in her mom or anyone else her bag full of lies. She will take it all to the grave with her, so use the VAR to protect and to educate yourself to make the best decision going forward.

Lastly, there is no use for a Lie Detector test. Who fucken cares at this point. If you want to fight to stay in the lives of the kids, the Poly does nothing for you. Decide how you are going to handle the Divorce, and that is the only option. everyone that says wait to decide on this, NO, you need to divorce her. That is the only way forward in your situation. She will never be safe, she will never be a good partner. Don't waste more of your time.

As for the boys, you will need to inform them of this on your own. I would not allow the WW to inform them, b/c you know she will lie and twist the truth, and you may end up being the bad guy in that new lie. You may end up being the bad guy who forced her to lie to the boys and to keep their real father away from them. SO YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE TO INFORM THEM. Just in case you're wondering, if you don't tell them now, they will eventually find out. They may want to take a DNA test on their own in the future, maybe in college, maybe when they have kids of their own. SO Be a real father, sit them down and inform them age appropriate. I'm not sure how old the boys are, but if too young, you will have to wait.

As for the boys, you will need to inform them of this on your own. I would not allow the WW to inform them, b/c you know she will lie and twist the truth, and you may end up being the bad guy in that new lie.

So true,

My original post suggested to wait, maybe years to tell boys. Amazing how I read SI member's posts and suddenly I realize how naive I am about the inner workings of a WS.

“When you understand the Nature of a Thing, You Know what It's capable of.“ -Thomas Fuller

SHSA - I don't have much to add but wanted you to know that my heart bleeds for you. I hope you have real life support and I am thinking of you a lot these days.

My only advice is: get a lawyer. Find out your rights and let the lawyer do things like contact AP or figure out the financial stuff. Yeah, it might cost you to use a lawyer to do these things but in your state you need someone looking out for you and doing the dirty work.

I wish you well.

SHSA,

About the OCs, other child..

In some states you can now sue for partial support from biological fathers when there is paternity fraud. I suggest you do this or go for a lump sum payment that your WW can use for their college education. Do this before OMW divorces OM so the boys will be in front of his children for child support payments. OM has a financial obligation here which he should not be allowed to shirk.

If the story of your WW paying OM and OMW is true you should prosecute for blackmail or demand restitution.

The children will have to know who their father is and it is better you expose this earlier than later.

As an OC myself I can tell you that I wish I had known of my biological family sooner. If I had known them sooner then I would have met my Mother and Grandmother while they were still alive. Blood is blood, I was glad I was able to see my biological father at least before he died.

You are also not obligated to tell the children lie to make your WW feel ok.

Your WW has lied horribly to her two children as well as to you, she has also lied to all the aunts, uncles, cousins and especially the Grandparents.

Instead of feeling shame or worthlessness your WW should be feeling that way, expose her and OM widely because you were the victim of a crime.

And to everyone that is saying that poor women is in a bad mental state, to hell with that!

No, Not "to hell with that" when children are involved. This woman is at least one half of these kids primary caregiver team and one half their secure home environment.

It’s wise to advise that it is the OP’s primary concern, should be one of his initial actions, to secure the children’s home environment and ensure their safety before doing ANYTHING else.

These scenes are HIGHLY emotionally charged and shit can really happen. I think you all know what I’m talking about…

The paraphrased dialogue last reported from DD, was very concerning. This family unit is in crisis and highly unstable, at risk.

PS: The kids are 7 and 5 years old. At this age they pick up on the slightest bit of toxicity and it has life lasting effect.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:32 AM, Tuesday, February 8th]

Yes, to what Reality Blows just said. There are young children involved here that need to be protected above EVERYTHING ELSE.

This will affect them so much. It already has. . .from before birth. My heart aches for all of you, SHSA. The worst of DDay was the immediate realization that there would be no way for me to keep what my WH had done from affecting my innocent children. Seriously, you’re going to need professional help almost immediately and far into the future. The earlier you embrace that and accept all the help you can get, the better.

I’ll say again, your wife is not your friend, your support, your ally. Not in any way. Not even in protecting your children. She did this to them before they were born. She set a course that would devastate their family and their lives. That alone should tell you how bereft of any decency and love she is right now.

SI is a supportive community, but you really have to take what helps you and leave the rest. I’m sure the last thing on your mind is a desire to get the AP involved in your children’s lives and get support money from him. Please ignore what doesn’t help you Right. Now. At this very moment. Because right now is crisis.

Please, please, please take care of yourself right now. You are those boys’ only sane parent right now, and they need you. They need your head to be as clear as possible. They need you not clouded by your WH’s madness and full-blown wayward attack of lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and whatever else she thinks might work to get you in line.

I fervently hope you are getting strong support right now. I remember the immediate days following discovery. You shouldn’t be alone right now, especially with a wayward as far gone as yours is.

Sending you hugs of strength and support.

How are you managing brother?

Please try to get rest, exercise, avoid excessive drinking, get counseling and try to take care of yourself.

SHSA,

Please call 800-273-8255 if you are thinking of taking your life.

None is this is in any way your fault, you mention a rough patch in your marriage, it most likely started when your WW started to cheat not because anything you did caused your WW to cheat.

I've been thinking about your dilemna since I read this post. Wow, this is very difficult.

A couple of questions if you have the time:

How definitive was the idea that you were the problem with your wife conceiving a child? Was the idea that you couldn't father a child ever stated by a reputable MD? I think this is important, as her entire case for adultery is based on the notion that you couldn't make her pregnant and the OM could.

When you say "Peer", this is a person whose name you know and have some records of how to get in touch with him?

What would keep you from confronting him now? You don't seem to be getting the real truth from your wife. Remember, she says "they are dangerous, crazy, expensive..." but she's lied about a lot of subjects since then. Do you think you could hire a PI or something to investigate at a distance?

I've been thinking about your dilemna since I read this post. Wow, this is very difficult.

A couple of questions if you have the time:

How definitive was the idea that you were the problem with your wife conceiving a child? Was the idea that you couldn't father a child ever stated by a reputable MD? I think this is important, as her entire case for adultery is based on the notion that you couldn't make her pregnant and the OM could.

When you say "Peer", this is a person whose name you know and have some records of how to get in touch with him?

What would keep you from confronting him now? You don't seem to be getting the real truth from your wife. Remember, she says "they are dangerous, crazy, expensive..." but she's lied about a lot of subjects since then. Do you think you could hire a PI or something to investigate at a distance?